View Poll Results: A Poll for Women only: a Man involuntarily Touches your Breast
I'd definitely be offended because it's never really "accidental". 4 5.19%
It depends on the circumstances but I'd be suspicious. 8 10.39%
It depends on the circumstances but I'd be willing to accept it was involuntary. 46 59.74%
I would brush it off as purely accidental. 19 24.68%
Voters: 77. You may not vote on this poll

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  #1  
Old 07-09-2018, 03:36 AM
Les Espaces Du Sommeil Les Espaces Du Sommeil is offline
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A Poll for Women only: a Man involuntarily Touches your Breast

Something very embarrassing happened today and I feel like kicking myself for it.

First, I must point out that it's totally customary here for men and women who are acquainted to greet each other with a kiss on the cheek.

Now, there's a woman I know and like a lot who is used to kissing each cheek. This has led to the occasional awkward ballet between us as we're not always quite sure what the other will do. From the start, she's also had the habit of putting her hand on my shoulder while doing so. I've never reciprocated in order not to look like I was taking advantage of the situation.

Earlier today, I was saying goodbye to her for the holidays and it was ballet time again. During the short moment of confusion, for the first time, I put the tip of my fingers on her left shoulder blade and, as I pulled away, my hand very biefly but unmistakably brushed her breast. I swear it was absolutely involuntary but I noticed it and there's no way she didn't notice it, too. She didn't say anything, I sure as hell didn't mention it either, and we kept on talking for a couple of minutes before I took my leave. She's very busy today so there's no way, I'll get to clarify things until we meet again in mid-August and it would be awkward anyway ("By the way, remember earlier today when I touched your breast ? Totally didn't mean to, I swear"). Best to leave it at that, I guess. Still, I feel bad about it, as she's someone I really care for and definitely don't want her to think that I'm also "one of those guys" after all.

Now, I know everyone is different so that I won't know how she really felt about it, but I'd still like to have an idea of how female dopers feel bout this sort of situation. Men are free to participate if they have a relevant anecdote but I'd like the poll to be for women only.
  #2  
Old 07-09-2018, 04:28 AM
TruCelt TruCelt is offline
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Of course I'd be suspicious. I'd be watching your behavior very carefully the next time we meet or speak to see if you are trying to make a change in the relationship.

My advice to you is never to mention it unless she does. The better approach in the moment would have been to apologize profusely and let her see your embarrassment. But everyone has at some point suffered from the same stoic urge to pretend a horror never occurred. Anyone with any social experience knows that these things happen.

Anyone with any womanly experience also knows that sometimes men try to cop a feel and make it seem innocent. You can't be sure. But the overall context of a person's behavior over the course of time is what makes it clear. So just be polite and treat her with respect, and let it go.
  #3  
Old 07-09-2018, 05:52 AM
Two Many Cats Two Many Cats is offline
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Female here, with advice from Caroline Ingalls from the Little House book series.

"Least said, soonest mended."
  #4  
Old 07-09-2018, 08:23 AM
Annie-Xmas Annie-Xmas is offline
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If you did it once, I would say "I don't like being touched. Please don't do it again." If you did it again, you'd get it as only I know how to give it.
  #5  
Old 07-09-2018, 08:24 AM
Nava Nava is offline
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Is it someone I know to be a pig? I assume it wasn't involuntary.

Is it someone I know to be a decent guy? I assume it was involuntary.

Is it someone I don't know well? It will depend on how embarrassed/stiff he looks, but in general and coming from a culture which tends to have that exact ballet you mention with you across-the-border people, I'd assume involuntary until proven otherwise.

In the case mentioned in the OP, if you brought it up weeks later I'd be muuuuuch more freaked out than when it happened. Just let it be. After 36+ years I'm perfectly conscious that sometimes tits just get in the way.

Last edited by Nava; 07-09-2018 at 08:28 AM.
  #6  
Old 07-09-2018, 08:47 AM
Les Espaces Du Sommeil Les Espaces Du Sommeil is offline
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Yeah, I'm not going to mention it at all, and sincerely apologize if she does when we meet again next month.

The thing that really bothers me, apart from the incident itself, is that it had to happen on the very last day before the holidays and mere minutes after she had told me she felt at ease with me. Way to prove I'm worth her trust .

Anyway, for the moment, all I can do is remember that she didn't say anything when it happened and that we kept on talking pretty much normally for a few minutes afterwards. Plus, when I left, she joined her palms in a "thank you" gesture*, then smiled and waved as I was going out the door. Tentatively, I'd say it's ok, but I'll sure be extra careful to stick to my original habit of not reciprocating her touch.

*I'd helped her carry some heavy boxes earlier this morning and, more generally, it seems that I've been one of the few people who has actually taken the time to talk to her since she arrived last Winter.
  #7  
Old 07-09-2018, 09:02 AM
Broomstick Broomstick is offline
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If it's someone I've known a long time who has never in the past copped a feel I'd be inclined to think it was truly accidental. Especially if there isn't a repeat.
  #8  
Old 07-09-2018, 09:24 AM
Rhiannon8404 Rhiannon8404 is offline
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In the situation described by the OP, I would assume accidental and not give it second though. If it happens again, then I'd be suspicious.
  #9  
Old 07-09-2018, 09:29 AM
Grumbacher Red Grumbacher Red is offline
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I voted that I would be willing to accept it was accidental in most cases.

Boobs stick out. They get in the way sometimes.
  #10  
Old 07-09-2018, 10:14 AM
ZipperJJ ZipperJJ is offline
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Yep, what she said ^^

It only really becomes awkward, to me, when the toucher blows up with either apologies or jokes. Then it becomes embarrassing for the touchee.

She noticed, she probably thought "glad he didn't make a big deal out of it" but she also definitely filed it away for future reference and will be quite upset if it happens again.
  #11  
Old 07-09-2018, 10:35 AM
FairyChatMom FairyChatMom is online now
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Nava View Post
Is it someone I know to be a pig? I assume it wasn't involuntary.

Is it someone I know to be a decent guy? I assume it was involuntary.

Is it someone I don't know well? It will depend on how embarrassed/stiff he looks,
This sums up my thoughts pretty well. In general, I tend to give people the benefit of the doubt. Plus, at my age, I don't find myself in such situations anyway, but thinking back, I recall a few skeevy encounters that I was too shy/scared to make an issue over which I'm pretty sure were intentional.
  #12  
Old 07-09-2018, 10:53 AM
Les Espaces Du Sommeil Les Espaces Du Sommeil is offline
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I value her company too much to allow it to happen again. If she feels like putting her hand on my shoulder, I'll let her but I'll make sure to keep mine off.

Thanks for your answers.
  #13  
Old 07-09-2018, 12:00 PM
Hilarity N. Suze Hilarity N. Suze is offline
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Well, okay, but isn't the shoulder blade on the back? I have a hard time understanding how this was accidental. That's quite a lot of drift.
  #14  
Old 07-09-2018, 12:47 PM
Nava Nava is offline
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They were face to face. When they separated, his hand accidentally touched the side of the boob.

They were side to side. When they separated while turning to face each other, see above.

There, two possibilities in a matter of seconds

Last edited by Nava; 07-09-2018 at 12:48 PM.
  #15  
Old 07-09-2018, 01:24 PM
PoppaSan PoppaSan is offline
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Asked the wife. Back of hand or side of hand? Easy to dismiss as accidental. Front of hand under arm area? OK, still easier to dismiss. Front of hand over nipple? She should have clocked you.
  #16  
Old 07-09-2018, 01:38 PM
Biffster Biffster is offline
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If you're still uncertain how she perceived it, show her this forum thread and poll. Show her you've done some research about it. I'm sure that will put her mind at ease.
  #17  
Old 07-09-2018, 01:55 PM
Les Espaces Du Sommeil Les Espaces Du Sommeil is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Hilarity N. Suze View Post
Well, okay, but isn't the shoulder blade on the back? I have a hard time understanding how this was accidental. That's quite a lot of drift.
Quote:
Originally Posted by Nava View Post
They were face to face. When they separated, his hand accidentally touched the side of the boob.
This. Except I'd say brush, not touch.

Quote:
Originally Posted by PoppaSan View Post
Asked the wife. Back of hand or side of hand? Easy to dismiss as accidental. Front of hand under arm area? OK, still easier to dismiss. Front of hand over nipple? She should have clocked you.
Definitely NOT the last bit. For the rest, it's difficult to say because it happened very quickly but I think it may actually have been my knuckles. I was closing my hand while moving away from her.

Last edited by Les Espaces Du Sommeil; 07-09-2018 at 01:55 PM.
  #18  
Old 07-09-2018, 01:57 PM
Patx2 Patx2 is offline
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Originally Posted by Rhiannon8404 View Post
In the situation described by the OP, I would assume accidental and not give it second though. If it happens again, then I'd be suspicious.
Yes, thatís exactly what I was thinking. As a woman, Iíd let it go, it sounds accidental and innocent.
  #19  
Old 07-09-2018, 02:44 PM
IvoryTowerDenizen IvoryTowerDenizen is offline
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If it was someone I already knew to be a decent fellow, I’d write it off as an accident. If it was a stranger, I’d be suspicious. If it happened again, my opinion of the decent fellow would change.
  #20  
Old 07-09-2018, 03:31 PM
Machine Elf Machine Elf is offline
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Front of hand under arm area? OK, still easier to dismiss.
I (a man) struggle with this. I am occasionally invited for a greeting-type hug with a (non-specific) woman, and when one of my arms ends up under her arm, it feels too intimate to me to wrap my arm all the way around to her back...and so I often end up with my hand pretty much under her arm. At the same time, I'm aware that under this circumstance my palm is dangerously close to her breast. Bottom line, platonic male-female hugs make me uncomfortable because I'm scared that no matter what I do with my hands/arms, someday my intentions will be misunderstood and my actions will make her uncomfortable, and I will forever after be regarded as creepy/suspicious.
  #21  
Old 07-09-2018, 04:29 PM
Beckdawrek Beckdawrek is offline
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I volunteer in a food truck occasionally. It is tight quarters. 4 people is about all it can fit. We have basically touched each other in all places. There is bending and reaching around and passing stuff from hand to hand. Plus it's hot so we are in shorts and light weight tops. We decided long ago to just forgive and forget. It works.
  #22  
Old 07-09-2018, 05:20 PM
Weedy Weedy is offline
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In that kind of situation, I'd think it was accidental, but I'd remember for next time. Depends on the guy.
  #23  
Old 07-09-2018, 05:38 PM
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In high school, I had an incident somewhat like the OP's. We were playing "King of the Hill" and I was the king. I got done dealing with one challenge, and saw another classmate (a girl) coming up from a different direction. I turned, and raised my hands up, planning to put my hands on her shoulders so that I would have a good grip for pushing.

But I didn't have time. I got my hands up to about mid-chest height--and then she was there. My hands landed squarely on her breasts.

I wasn't sure what to do. But I figured that if it bothered her too much, she would simply back off. But she kept on pushing, so I just kept on pushing. I pushed her down the hill without having a chance to adjust the position of my hands.
  #24  
Old 07-09-2018, 05:52 PM
Beckdawrek Beckdawrek is offline
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If we are talking about highschool boys, they would put hands on accidentally on purpose, so to speak. I never trusted those guys. As girls we got adept at deflecting those grabs. It kinda eased up during college, seems like.
  #25  
Old 07-09-2018, 06:23 PM
Jeep's Phoenix Jeep's Phoenix is offline
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This has only happened to me once; I'm confident it was purely accidental. I have large boobs; I turned suddenly to grab something from a table as the guy was reaching across the same table, and there was a brush with the back of his right hand. He was clearly flustered as hell, and pulled back quickly, but didn't say anything. I acted like nothing had happened.

I would definitely approach this on a case-by-case basis for future incidents though.
  #26  
Old 07-10-2018, 03:11 AM
Les Espaces Du Sommeil Les Espaces Du Sommeil is offline
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She sent a mail to a couple of people, including me, yesterday evening, accepting an offer to hang out after the holidays - my initiative, but other people were eager to get to know her better - and thanking each of us by name for it.

This, and what happened after the incident (she didn't mention it and went on talking normally for the rest of the time we were together, smiled brightly and waved as I was leaving) leads me to think she has decided to let it slide.

As for me, I'll just try to forget about the whole thing, go on holiday and make sure there's no repeat incident when we meet again.

Last edited by Les Espaces Du Sommeil; 07-10-2018 at 03:12 AM.
  #27  
Old 07-10-2018, 04:55 AM
Mangetout Mangetout is offline
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I am not a woman, so I won't vote in the poll.

Accidental touches happen by accident - the time to apologise is immediately, if at all (that is, it's not necessarily always explicitly necessary to make a fuss and draw more attention to it by talking, because it's very obviously accidental, momentary and involuntary - for example, if someone trips into you, it's probably more important to ask if they're alright than it is to apologise for touching them when you collided)

If you go back and apologise for it later, you are potentially demonstrating that you have been thinking about it, dwelling on it, more than you probably should have done.
  #28  
Old 07-10-2018, 10:54 AM
Elendil's Heir Elendil's Heir is offline
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Originally Posted by Biffster View Post
If you're still uncertain how she perceived it, show her this forum thread and poll. Show her you've done some research about it. I'm sure that will put her mind at ease.
Even better, ask her to sign up for the Dope and vote in your poll!
  #29  
Old 07-10-2018, 12:13 PM
Biffster Biffster is offline
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Even better, ask her to sign up for the Dope and vote in your poll!


  #30  
Old 07-10-2018, 03:44 PM
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I'm a guy, so I won't vote in the poll, and I don't do the kind of social kissing you describe.

Kissing someone on the cheek necessarily involves getting closer, and accidents happen. I yield to none in my appreciation of the female form, but if it happened to me I would just say "Pardon me" and if she didn't react, drop it from then on. I might work on being more definite in how I approached the social kiss next time, to avoid accidental contacts so everyone knows what to do. If it is clear that social kissing is about to occur, you put your hand firmly on her shoulder, she kisses your cheeks, you kiss hers, then you step back and smile and you have just greeted your friend.
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This is just happenstance.

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  #31  
Old 07-10-2018, 06:08 PM
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I'm pretty sure that people have accidentally brushed my breast on occasion, but I don't recall any specific incident. So it's possible that an accidental touch is completely forgettable to a woman. My advice is to put it out of your mind, if you can.

Boobs happen.
  #32  
Old 07-10-2018, 10:40 PM
CharmaChameleon CharmaChameleon is online now
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Well, a few years ago at a dinner party for my departing senior pastor and his family, hugs were shared all 'round. I accidentally touched the clothing covering one of her breasts. What's the big deal? That kind of thing happens, at least sometimes. It wasn't even bothersome after I realized that she'd had that kind of thing happen many times (I suppose), on account of we're a pretty "huggy" Church.

If she'd said something to him about it, it could easily have been pistols on the front lawn shortly thereafter. Instead, we had a nice meal and some camaraderie.

Meh.
  #33  
Old 07-11-2018, 10:41 AM
CelticKnot CelticKnot is offline
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An instant apology would do the trick for me. What kind of world is it when we can't even say "I'm sorry" or "Excuse me" without it being a big deal?
  #34  
Old 07-11-2018, 11:03 AM
DesertDog DesertDog is offline
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When I was a senior in high school one of my classes was biology lab assistant (I was that kind of kid) and one time I was carrying two erlenmeyer flasks by the neck in each hand when I rounded the corner and literally bumped into one of the two teachers who was a) about 25 and b) kinda pretty. We both froze but not before the back of my left hand pressed quite firmly into her breast. I still remember the sensation to this day.

She must have realized it was accidental, if only because I flushed strongly and apologized (actually, it came out something like "Aba s-s-sor aka guh") because other than that we pretended it hadn't happened.
  #35  
Old 07-11-2018, 11:16 AM
FloatyGimpy FloatyGimpy is offline
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A similar thing happened to me at work yesterday. A customer needed help so I came over and stood beside him. Then I felt a very soft touch on the side of my butt and quickly looked down and stepped away. He said "sorry" so he did know that he had touched me but I don't know if it was on purpose or accidental.

I voted that I'd be willing to accept that it was accidental.

Last edited by FloatyGimpy; 07-11-2018 at 11:17 AM.
  #36  
Old 07-11-2018, 11:23 AM
Barbarian Barbarian is offline
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Originally Posted by Les Espaces Du Sommeil View Post
I've never reciprocated in order not to look like I was taking advantage of the situation.
I assume you're living and working quelque part dans La Francophonie?

If yes, il y a pas de quoi. Accidental touching during la bise is normal and ignored.
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  #37  
Old 07-11-2018, 12:24 PM
Poysyn Poysyn is offline
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Accidental touching happens, and it's not usually a big deal. Really. We know they stick out. We get it.
  #38  
Old 07-11-2018, 12:41 PM
begbert2 begbert2 is offline
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An instant apology would do the trick for me. What kind of world is it when we can't even say "I'm sorry" or "Excuse me" without it being a big deal?
Speaking as an awkward guy, if I made incidental accidental contact with a woman's body I would only want to apologize if I had made her uncomfortable, because standing around talking about a contact that she hadn't bothered to be concerned about would risk making her uncomfortable. I personally consider it the more chivalrous option to run away and hide myself never to see the light of day again.
  #39  
Old 07-11-2018, 01:00 PM
alice_in_wonderland alice_in_wonderland is offline
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If it's someone I've known a long time who has never in the past copped a feel I'd be inclined to think it was truly accidental. Especially if there isn't a repeat.
This is exactly my response too. I've accidentally bumped into the chest of a female (and male) friend. I've always apologized in the moment, but I've had it happen to me from both male and female friends and never thought it was intentional.

If one of these occurrences actually was someone trying to cop a feel, meh, it is what it is.

I wouldn't mention it again. If were to happen again in the future you could say sorry on the spot. I've always gone for the direct 'Oh my goodness I just totally grazed your boob/butt, I'm so sorry!' but I kind of have that sort of personality. I think just saying 'Oops, sorry!' is fine.
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  #40  
Old 07-11-2018, 04:44 PM
Slow Moving Vehicle Slow Moving Vehicle is offline
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Not a woman, so won't vote, but I have, in the past two days, twice accidentally touched women (albeit, neither one in the breasts or buttocks). I was sharing a lane at a pool with a woman, when my goggles filled up. I didn't realize that she was approaching, and as she swam past - she was swimming freestyle, while I - ironically enough - was using a breaststroke - I got her in the stomach. Then, today, I was looking aside while walking at work, and put my hand right into the back of a shorter woman.

In both cases, I apologized - immediately for the woman I walked into, and when she got to the end of the lane and paused for the swimmer - and both assured me it was okay. Interestingly, both laid their hand on my arm when telling me not to worry about it. So I'd guess that the women in the thread are right, and embarrassed apologies demonstrate that you're not trying to be creepy. Whether or not the interactions would have been the same if I had involuntarily touched either woman in an intimate part of the body, I can't say. But the stomach is pretty personal, so maybe. In any case, with the swimmer, I was very careful to give her plenty of room when next we passed.

Last edited by Slow Moving Vehicle; 07-11-2018 at 04:49 PM.
  #41  
Old 07-11-2018, 05:09 PM
Biffster Biffster is offline
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Not a woman, so won't vote, but I have, in the past two days, twice accidentally touched women (albeit, neither one in the breasts or buttocks). I was sharing a lane at a pool with a woman, when my goggles filled up. I didn't realize that she was approaching, and as she swam past - she was swimming freestyle, while I - ironically enough - was using a breaststroke - I got her in the stomach. Then, today, I was looking aside while walking at work, and put my hand right into the back of a shorter woman.

In both cases, I apologized - immediately for the woman I walked into, and when she got to the end of the lane and paused for the swimmer - and both assured me it was okay. Interestingly, both laid their hand on my arm when telling me not to worry about it. So I'd guess that the women in the thread are right, and embarrassed apologies demonstrate that you're not trying to be creepy. Whether or not the interactions would have been the same if I had involuntarily touched either woman in an intimate part of the body, I can't say. But the stomach is pretty personal, so maybe. In any case, with the swimmer, I was very careful to give her plenty of room when next we passed.


The part that I find interesting is that both laid their hand on your arm without a second thought.
  #42  
Old 07-11-2018, 06:18 PM
seal_cleaner seal_cleaner is offline
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Guy, can’t vote. I believe you’re over thinking this. Over the years I have accidentally made accidental breast contact. Important: not with the palm, and obviously no squeeze. Other than that, the side hug is standard. Plus you can do a frontal hug with no chest contact.
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  #43  
Old 07-11-2018, 06:19 PM
begbert2 begbert2 is offline
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Plus you can do a frontal hug with no chest contact.
Wait, what? How?
  #44  
Old 07-11-2018, 07:12 PM
Biffster Biffster is offline
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Wait, what? How?


They call it the A-frame, I believe.
  #45  
Old 07-11-2018, 09:26 PM
Airman Doors, USAF Airman Doors, USAF is online now
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When I’m working I’m somewhat manic, and it has happened that I have accidentally done that. I had no idea the person was behind me, beside me, or around the blind corner that I was turning. Invariably I apologize profusely and it’s patently obvious that I’m not trying to cheap shot them.

The response you receive is directly to related to the circumstances under which it happens.
  #46  
Old 07-12-2018, 03:06 AM
Les Espaces Du Sommeil Les Espaces Du Sommeil is offline
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Originally Posted by seal_cleaner
Plus you can do a frontal hug with no chest contact.
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Originally Posted by begbert2 View Post
Wait, what? How?
Pretty easy actually : one hand on each other's shoulder or in the back, lean closer, kiss on the cheek (optional), no chest contact. Now, that my not be a hug in the strictest sens, but I don't know what else to call it.
  #47  
Old 07-12-2018, 03:08 AM
Les Espaces Du Sommeil Les Espaces Du Sommeil is offline
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Plus you can do a frontal hug with no chest contact.
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Originally Posted by begbert2 View Post
Wait, what? How?
Pretty easily actually : one hand on each other's shoulder or in the back, lean closer, kiss on the cheek (optional), no chest contact. Now, that may not be a hug in the strictest sens, but I don't know what else to call it.

Last edited by Les Espaces Du Sommeil; 07-12-2018 at 03:12 AM.
  #48  
Old 07-12-2018, 02:07 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by PoppaSan View Post
Asked the wife. Back of hand or side of hand? Easy to dismiss as accidental. Front of hand under arm area? OK, still easier to dismiss. Front of hand over nipple? She should have clocked you.
Also suspicious: if they say, "Ahhh-OOOOO-Gah!" when it happens.
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