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Old 10-09-2018, 08:22 AM
Urbanredneck Urbanredneck is online now
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Do some people never realize they were not good parents?

Scenario: An 85 year old woman is in a nursing home. She has 4 adult children, 15 grandchildren, and 2 great-grandchildren.

It is a holiday but she is mostly alone.

She is angry that few of her children have come to see her.

Thing is she feels she was the most hard working, thoughtful, loving, and caring mother and grandmother there was. He children, well they beg to differ., They remember neglect, mild abuse, and overall a lack of love from her. Her grandchildren have few fond memories since her grown children wanted little to do with her once they were gone. Some have kept some contact out of a feeling of obligation.

Do you think many older persons in this situation might ever come to the realization of their ways and even better, work to reach out and to heal the wounds?
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Old 10-09-2018, 08:33 AM
Tatterdemalion Tatterdemalion is online now
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I acknowledge that my mother is trying (very trying) but I feel it is too little too late. From my perspective my mother just wants to feel good about herself, without actually changing anything.
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Old 10-09-2018, 08:43 AM
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Barring any outright abuse, I'd say most people do the best they can. After all, there is no definitive meaning of what a "good parent" is. Nobody sets out to be a shite parent. That being said, I'd be surprised if any parent doesn't have some regrets / doubts about the job they've done. Also, I think it's a shame that an adult can't be arsed to visit their mother in a nursing home on a holiday.
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Old 10-09-2018, 08:51 AM
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My mother had very few good things to say about my grandmother. I don't recall any accusations of abuse, at least not abuse as would be defined in 1940s Kansas but there were many unkind words and little or no emotional connection. I clearly remember her saying that she never felt that "Clara" ever loved her or my aunts and uncles. Later in my grand mother's life, she really seemed to play favorites among her children and grand kids. My memory of her mother is that grand kids older than newborns yet too young to be put to work on the farm were just meaningless. From my current perspective, she really became very manipulative and loved to play the victim.
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Old 10-09-2018, 08:52 AM
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From the report of the offspring, as in most cases, the abusive parent, very early on chose to look away from what was uncomfortable to look at about themselves and their parenting practices. It starts with just one brick, but pretty soon thereís a giant wall between them and reality.

Itís a very human inclination I think. But one that we should all resist vehemently. You donít have to like everything you see, but choosing to just look away comes with WAY more uncomfortable consequences in the long run, I believe.

The offspring very quickly and accurately recognize there is no point in trying to make them see. It threatens to knock the whole wall down! They canít have that!
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Old 10-09-2018, 09:06 AM
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Also, I think it's a shame that an adult can't be arsed to visit their mother in a nursing home on a holiday.
And I think you haven't realized that not everybody has their family within easy reach of each other. Some people don't even have them all in the same country.
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Old 10-09-2018, 09:19 AM
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I was my dad's idea--the second child, that HE wanted as opposed to the first whom he never quite accepted. After Dad was out of the picture it was me, my resentful brother (we made up as adults), and Mom. Evidently she used up all her patience and love on my brother. I muddled through on my own, made a mess of things and cleaned up after myself. These days I've got no use for her and I've been very clear with her on that point. She'll be a martyr on her deathbed, bemoaning the absence of her ever-ungrateful youngest (OK, she birthed me, and let me sleep under her roof and eat from her fridge--I might as well have been a cockroach). Frankly, I don't give a rat's ass as long as she doesn't put my brother through the wringer on her way out. To the OP: There are certainly people who never get it, because they're narcissists who see only the gloom wrought upon them by the universe, and never once consider they might deserve it.

Last edited by Inigo Montoya; 10-09-2018 at 09:21 AM.
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Old 10-09-2018, 09:35 AM
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And I think you haven't realized that not everybody has their family within easy reach of each other. Some people don't even have them all in the same country.
I knew I should have added the "barring financial difficulties / extenuating circumstances" disclaimer. I've spent the last 25 years of my life pretty much separated from my family due to the lack of money to visit them. I wasn't able to be at my beloved father's bedside when he passed, but it wasn't from lack of care.
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Old 10-09-2018, 09:46 AM
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You can't change the mind of this kind of parent. Narcissists go through life creating their own reality in order to hold a fragile, shattered core together. They have to put survival-mode levels of energy into their narrative, pulling easily programmed people close and pushing uncontrollable people away. Of course they have to resist anything that might chip away at the self and reality they've created.
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Old 10-09-2018, 09:52 AM
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Barring any outright abuse, I'd say most people do the best they can. After all, there is no definitive meaning of what a "good parent" is. Nobody sets out to be a shite parent. That being said, I'd be surprised if any parent doesn't have some regrets / doubts about the job they've done. Also, I think it's a shame that an adult can't be arsed to visit their mother in a nursing home on a holiday.
This is a very kind-hearted thought, and one I'd be inclined to agree with most of the time. However, I think it completely misses the mark on a nontrivial number of parents. There's personality flaws and immaturity that can make someone a suboptimal parent. But when those flaws only become more defined with age, then cutting that venomous person out of your life is all you can do. Not everyone deserves the comfort of a nursing home, let along the consolation of those who've been on the receiving end of their bullshit their entire lives.
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Old 10-09-2018, 09:54 AM
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My father was a terrible person, a big part of his crapulence was his ability to deceive himself that he wasn't a horrible person. The last time I saw him was six years ago at my mother's funeral and he died this summer. I'm sure he thought that he was a good person and everyone else was horrible.
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Old 10-09-2018, 10:07 AM
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I think most abusive parents need more than abandonment to realize their shittiness. The traits that make them a shitty parent are the same ones that rob them of introspection and self-reflection.

It is much easier on the ego to conclude your kids are triflin' so-and-so's than it is to conclude you are a bad parent. Also, there are more narratives out there about ungrateful neglectful adult children who don't want to visit Mama because "nursing homes are creepy" than there are about shitty parents who are undeserving of love and attention. And even the victims of known parental abuse are frequently encouraged to forgive and forget, for the sake of "family". So you better believe an abandoned parent will have at least one person validating their opinion about how horrible their kids are, not to check in on them or anything. Who has the balls to ask an elderly person whether they did anything to deserve to be neglected by their family? No one, that's who.

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Old 10-09-2018, 10:12 AM
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My SO's ex-husband is convinced that he is an excellent parent. That is proven false because both of their kids love me more than him and that started right away when we started dating. Their 4 year old son is coming to stay with me alone next weekend by his request and usually refuses to go to his dad's house. I didn't want that to happen but someone has to be a positive male influence on him.

I don't think I am the best parent in the world but, if there was a parenting Olympics, I would get the Gold Medal and he would be disqualified even if it was just the two of us competing. He doesn't directly abuse the kids, drink, cheat, do drugs or any of the usual suspects. He is just emotionally absent, inattentive, insensitive to their needs, probably on the spectrum and possibly gay but he will probably never realize that. Kids pick up on that and they responded to me oddly strongly right away.
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Old 10-09-2018, 10:21 AM
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I would answer "yes" to your question because one cannot realize something that one was never taught and never exposed to. We learn our parenting skills mostly from our own parents. Children that are raised by parents who yell at them and demean them and beat them tend to display those parenting characteristics themselves.

I'm not saying that this is unwaveringly true, but you used the word "some" in your question.
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Old 10-09-2018, 10:57 AM
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And I think you haven't realized that not everybody has their family within easy reach of each other. Some people don't even have them all in the same country.
Yes, distance can be an issue. Hopefully though one can still write, call, or nowadays, do Facetime.
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Old 10-09-2018, 11:08 AM
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Some people truly never realize that they were not good parents. Many of the people who are that way, I expect they have a far lower chance of putting things right than the average 25-year alcoholic does.
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Old 10-09-2018, 11:32 AM
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Some people never come to terms with it. I get the feeling my mother has some idea but she will never admit it or apologize. In her case there is underlying mental illness as well so I can't call foul on it.
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Old 10-09-2018, 11:49 AM
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Many bad people never realize that they are bad people.
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Old 10-09-2018, 12:01 PM
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My mother was a terrible parent and although there are signs that she deep down is aware of it, shallow up, she is in denial.

It's a pretty rare person who can admit that their fundamental personality flaws permanently damaged all their children. My mother isn't rare in that way.
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Old 10-09-2018, 12:56 PM
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My best friend's Mom was abusive. Horribly abusive and cruel, culminating in her taking her husband's side over her daughter's claim of sexual abuse. She died a mean, nasty, horrible woman, sniping at the one child that did some and see her on her deathbed (my friend, who never gave up hope her Mom would return her love).

Once she died, the siblings all found out that the woman had willed her only "asset" - her Government Death Benefit - to the man she had leeched on to and they were on the hook for the cremation and service. So, in that case, no.
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Old 10-09-2018, 01:35 PM
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Children that are raised by parents who yell at them and demean them and beat them tend to display those parenting characteristics themselves.
Why is this do you suppose? Don't they remember how they felt as children? Myself, I learned pretty much everything NOT to do from my parents.
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Old 10-09-2018, 02:44 PM
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Why is this do you suppose? Don't they remember how they felt as children? Myself, I learned pretty much everything NOT to do from my parents.
My father got his ass beaten as a kid and he went on to beat his kids. He would be the first to say he was a "bad ass" who deserved every lick he got. And thus that makes him an expert in meting our punishment.

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Old 10-09-2018, 03:17 PM
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My observation is that there is this basic psychological principle: most people assume that other people are mentally similar to themselves.

Ergo, if you are cruel to your kids that is normal because presumably everyone does it. So it isn't abuse. And if you are "normal" how can you be "not good"?
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Old 10-09-2018, 04:00 PM
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There's also the "tough love" concept. Some parents are convinced that their abuse is in the best interests of their kids - and in fact, perhaps do genuinely have their kids' interests, or feel that they are doing the loving thing, when being tyrannical in the household.

Not that "tough love" isn't a real thing, but that it is easily misunderstood or misapplied.
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Old 10-09-2018, 04:15 PM
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You can't change the mind of this kind of parent. Narcissists go through life creating their own reality in order to hold a fragile, shattered core together. They have to put survival-mode levels of energy into their narrative, pulling easily programmed people close and pushing uncontrollable people away. Of course they have to resist anything that might chip away at the self and reality they've created.
This right here haa been my experience thus far with people who shouldn't be in parental roles but are. The sad thing is, is that there is nothing wrong with not being suited to parenting as long as you're honest about it
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Old 10-09-2018, 04:17 PM
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Gack! Accidently hit submit

Be honest about it and either take some classes/therapy or don't try to inflict yourself on an child.
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Old 10-09-2018, 04:48 PM
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My SO's ex-husband is convinced that he is an excellent parent. That is proven false because both of their kids love me more than him and that started right away when we started dating. Their 4 year old son is coming to stay with me alone next weekend by his request and usually refuses to go to his dad's house. I didn't want that to happen but someone has to be a positive male influence on him.

I don't think I am the best parent in the world but, if there was a parenting Olympics, I would get the Gold Medal and he would be disqualified even if it was just the two of us competing. He doesn't directly abuse the kids, drink, cheat, do drugs or any of the usual suspects. He is just emotionally absent, inattentive, insensitive to their needs, probably on the spectrum and possibly gay but he will probably never realize that. Kids pick up on that and they responded to me oddly strongly right away.
I thought custodial parents could get in some big trouble for not allowing/forcing kids to see their NCP, up until about age 12.
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Old 10-09-2018, 04:50 PM
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I did not realize I was a bad parent until my boys were grown. The reason I know I was a bad parent is that I am afraid to tell my boys to control their children when they are at my house, in case they never come back; one of my sons expects me to come over and babysit AND cook mac and cheese for his kids, just like mom makes. (Duh. You buy the babysitter and the kids a pizza, how does he not know this?); and I have a 23-year-old who still lives at home. He does pay a little rent, and he empties the dishwasher, but he expects me to wash his clothes.

Where have I failed? I know I am a terrible person but I tried really hard.
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Old 10-09-2018, 04:51 PM
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My Daddy was the most perfect father and mother to us 8 sibs. ( yes 8). Mom died while we were small. But, he was a tough disciplinarian. He was a DI in the Marines. That was to be expected. With his home boot camp we had chores and were expected to carry on like little privates. He had to do it. There were just so many of us. Things would devolve into chaos in minutes, if not. He loved us each and everyone. My brothers have a slightly different take, he was especially tough on them. They all went into the Corps after highschool. He gave them no choice on this. One brother really had a problem with it. He came around to believe it was probably the best later on.
I cannot tell you how much we loved that man. He was our hero. I miss him everyday, still.
Someone looking into our household might have cringed at the discipline. He never beat or abused. Punishment was work related. He also had high expectations as to behaviour and school work. So, every family looks different. There are plenty of people who never think about what they are creating with raising their kids. There are too many young adults, right now who have no skills or ability to succeed in this world because their parents were absent or had their head up their ass. That's what is sad. It's such a waste of humanity. Add abuse or neglect and it just multiplies.

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Old 10-09-2018, 05:10 PM
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Why is this do you suppose? Don't they remember how they felt as children? Myself, I learned pretty much everything NOT to do from my parents.
I think it is hard to overcome the deeply learned habits and behaviors that can become easily the templates for the unconscious reactions, the patterns that then people self-rationalize. And they may not realize how similar they are in some of the behaviors to the very things they complain of the parent about.

it is also of course that later some things they come probably to think as the right thing as it is their parenting template.

It is not to make a personal criticism, but you may think you are not doing anything you observed from the parents, but it may be another thing to the observation of an outside (or maybe not, but it is only to say the self-deceptoin or the self blindness in this area, it is a difficult thing to avoid, not impossible but it is difficult I believe).
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Old 10-09-2018, 06:19 PM
Onomatopoeia Onomatopoeia is offline
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My siblings and I have come to a consensus that ours were not good parents, not terrible, just not good. My mom is woefully undereducated, just barely squeaking through high school and diving headlong into her sole desire of having a passel-o-babies, which she proudly admits; she had 6. My dad was not much better, although he was able to further his education somewhat after being inducted into the Army in the early 1960s.

My parents put almost no effort into our education; they never encouraged our studies, never worked with us, never followed up with us on our homework, avoided parent-teacher conferences as much as possible, showed little to no interest in our grades or report cards, and seemingly could not care less about how academic achievement, or lack thereof, would impact our futures.

My mom, when she wasn't in church, spent much of her time actively grooming my sisters for husbands and motherhood. My father simply expected us boys to join the military.

If I were religious, I would consider my and my brother successfully avoiding the military (an act of defiance that, in my case, incensed my father to the point of throwing me against a wall, breaking my right arm and thumb in the process), going to university, and ultimately achieving advanced degrees in spite of our parents' roles in our upbringing to have been absolute miracles. My sisters didn't fare as well, each making it through high school but no further than completing a few community college courses before stopping.

I have a strong sense that our parents loved us. However, although they were very good at making kids, they were simply not up to the task of raising them. Perhaps if my mom bore 2 or 3 children instead of 6 she would have been more informed about the importance and necessity of childhood education in a rapidly changing 1970s world, but then I am probably simply making excuses.

Did my mom and dad think they were good parents? I don't believe the question crossed my dad's mind even once. He fed, clothed, and disciplined us so, as far as he was concerned, he fulfilled his obligations. There was no good or bad to it. My mom, on the other hand, believes she was a good parent to this day and becomes emotional whenever a contrary assessment is offered, so we've learned to simply keep our yaps shut about it in her presense.
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Old 10-09-2018, 07:09 PM
DavidwithanR DavidwithanR is offline
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Not that "tough love" isn't a real thing, but that it is easily misunderstood or misapplied.
The number of times in which "tough love" contains ANY love AT ALL probably hovers around 0.005 percent. I don't think it's misunderstood at all - it's just abuse with a hoity-toity name.
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Old 10-09-2018, 07:14 PM
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You can't change the mind of this kind of parent. Narcissists go through life creating their own reality in order to hold a fragile, shattered core together. They have to put survival-mode levels of energy into their narrative, pulling easily programmed people close and pushing uncontrollable people away. Of course they have to resist anything that might chip away at the self and reality they've created.
Thats a very good description of a narcissist and matches what I've seen. Once they can't control or use you, they throw you away.

I wonder what happens to the children of narcissists when they grow up. I know a narcissist couple with children, and I worry how their kids will turn out.

I would assume a lifetime of low self esteem, attraction to abusers/users, boomeranging between loving/hating your parents, not knowing your true self, etc. is what those children have to face.
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Old 10-09-2018, 10:05 PM
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Why is this do you suppose? Don't they remember how they felt as children?
A lot of people don't remember how they felt as children or as teens; a lot more have problems understanding not everybody is them. What worked for you only works for your kid if your kid happens to have that particular button; this was an enormous source of frustration for Dad and my brother Ed, as they had different concepts of both "time" and "curfew" and this led to more father-son arguments in a single weekend than us other two siblings would trigger in a year.

And for stuff such as being nasty to the kids, there is a learned behavior factor but also personality and mental health factors. The Grandfather From Hell was a psychopath (as was his mother), the Grandmother From Hell was paranoiac, the Aunt From Hell has official diagnoses of PTSD and BPD with attendant bipolar disorder, and the Mother From Hell (or at least, the next room over) has a personality along the lines of social narcissism with a strong solipsistic bent (She thinks of other people as being secondary characters in the movie that's Her life; that's when she doesn't view us as mere props). What's a wonder is not that they were bad parents, it's that any of the last two have had children who weren't completely bananas (although we have at least one avoidant personality and one bipolar, but hey, no psychopaths!... I think...).
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Old 10-09-2018, 11:29 PM
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My SO's ex-husband is convinced that he is an excellent parent. That is proven false because both of their kids love me more than him and that started right away when we started dating. Their 4 year old son is coming to stay with me alone next weekend by his request and usually refuses to go to his dad's house. I didn't want that to happen but someone has to be a positive male influence on him.
Just out of interest, who is that person going to be? My suggestion is that you find a person who doesn't think of women as money-grubbing whores. That would give the kid an even shot at turning into a decent adult human being.
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He doesn't directly abuse the kids, drink, cheat, do drugs or any of the usual suspects. He is just emotionally absent, inattentive, insensitive to their needs, probably on the spectrum and possibly gay but he will probably never realize that.
It's lucky there's someone around with a "partial PhD" in the cognitive sciences to explain his shortcomings to him.
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Old 10-10-2018, 12:29 AM
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I got an e-mail from my 54 year old step daughter a couple of weeks ago that I am no longer part of that family because her mom and I have been divorced for almost 30 years. I am zero, natha, nothing so no more contact of any kind. I raised her from the time she was 5 put her through school, gave her a beautiful wedding and her mom and I were always welcome at any gathering. She has maintained relationships on my side and they all consider themselves cousins and nieces and nephews etc. This all stemmed from her recent taking over of her moms care who has Alzheimer. I had been a full time care giver to her for the past 3 years and for the past 10 years have been handling a good deal of her life issues, medical, financial, etc.

In a lot of ways she is still not that bad, holds a normal conversation, keeps herself well groomed, attends her AA meetings, but does tend to talk about the distant past more and more because she is loosing her short term memory almost entirely. But anyway, we had a bout a 3 week sexual fling. Maybe fooled around 4 or 5 times. She was aware enough to put on oldies romantic music like we used to play, light some candles and put on a sexy nighty. Anyway she told her daughter about it and I suddenly became this pervert who coerced her into sex taking advantage of her illness. She has been trying to seduce me for the past 20 years or so and I just never fell for it. My mate recently died and I guess I was a little more vulnerable.

My daughter sent her off to relatives in Mississippi and handles some of her paperwork and thats about it. Every time her mom calls her and tells her she wants to come back she goes ballistic on me telling me I caused all this. At this point I happily told her to go fuck herself and I am through with the whole bunch. I was taking care of her mom to shield her and my son as much as I could. Any feelings I had toward her as a daughter have been annihilated. I am done.
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Old 10-10-2018, 12:46 AM
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Just out of interest, who is that person going to be? My suggestion is that you find a person who doesn't think of women as money-grubbing whores. That would give the kid an even shot at turning into a decent adult human being.
It's lucky there's someone around with a "partial PhD" in the cognitive sciences to explain his shortcomings to him.
Donít forget the gay-o-meter. He totally invented one!
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Old 10-10-2018, 02:24 AM
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Some people never realize. But on the other side, perfectly ordinary parents spend their entire lives second-guessing and doubting their parenting abilities from the time the baby makes its first appearance until they themselves shuffle off this mortal coil.

Every mistake the kid makes, they take it as their failing. Every bad life-choice the adult kid makes....yep, parental FAIL.

And I would wager that there are far more parents in the latter cohort than the former.
  #39  
Old 10-10-2018, 08:19 AM
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It is not to make a personal criticism, but you may think you are not doing anything you observed from the parents, but it may be another thing to the observation of an outside (or maybe not, but it is only to say the self-deceptoin or the self blindness in this area, it is a difficult thing to avoid, not impossible but it is difficult I believe).
Perhaps. But I doubt my kids are in constant fear of physical punishment, such as a bloody nose for having the nerve to purchase a magazine with their birthday money, or getting spit on because there were no coupons in the Sunday paper.

Last edited by manson1972; 10-10-2018 at 08:21 AM.
  #40  
Old 10-10-2018, 09:23 AM
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It has been my observation that usually the personality defects that make someone a bad parent are also the personality defects that prevent someone from realizing what a lousy parent they were.
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Old 10-10-2018, 11:04 AM
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Perhaps. But I doubt my kids are in constant fear of physical punishment, such as a bloody nose for having the nerve to purchase a magazine with their birthday money, or getting spit on because there were no coupons in the Sunday paper.
I hope not indeeed.

But there are the behaviors more subtle than the obvious ugly ones that can continue in a more subtle fashion similar effects.
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Old 10-10-2018, 11:25 AM
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Some people never realize. But on the other side, perfectly ordinary parents spend their entire lives second-guessing and doubting their parenting abilities from the time the baby makes its first appearance until they themselves shuffle off this mortal coil.

Every mistake the kid makes, they take it as their failing. Every bad life-choice the adult kid makes....yep, parental FAIL.

And I would wager that there are far more parents in the latter cohort than the former.
Very true.

Plus, there are just plain differences of opinion. A child may think as an adult their parent was abusive, strict and apt to engage in corporal punishment, while the parent may look back and think they did a fine job, attributing their children's adherence to the straight and narrow as opposed to the children of more lax friends and acquaintances who got involved in drugs/alcohol, failed to launch, are not terribly successful, etc...

Who's right? Both may be right in their own ways.
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Old 10-10-2018, 11:45 AM
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I just wanted to chime in a say that the judgement of someone being a bad parent often comes from their children (axiomatic, no?) Should they always without exception be believed?

In some cases, it is possible, (I'm just sayin') the children can be bad people and messed up unrelated to upbringing AND create a narrative for themselves and other that their parents are bad.

It can happen.
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  #44  
Old 10-10-2018, 05:21 PM
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He is just emotionally absent, inattentive, insensitive to their needs, probably on the spectrum and possibly gay but he will probably never realize that. Kids pick up on that and they responded to me oddly strongly right away.

What does being gay have to do with being a decent parent?
  #45  
Old 10-10-2018, 06:35 PM
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I just wanted to chime in a say that the judgement of someone being a bad parent often comes from their children (axiomatic, no?) Should they always without exception be believed?
If someone tells me their parents were abusive, I'll likely ask for more details. If they give me some cockamamie about their parents not being supportive of all their dreams, no matter how financially burdensome, then I won't agree with their assertion. However, if all the siblings are essentially saying that a parent was a horrible, then I'd take that as strong evidence that there was some abuse going on.

Quote:
In some cases, it is possible, (I'm just sayin') the children can be bad people and messed up unrelated to upbringing AND create a narrative for themselves and other that their parents are bad.

It can happen.
It can also be that children simply don't like their parents. Maybe their parents leave a lot to be desired, but their flaws don't rise to the level of abuse. I don't know if it is fair to judge a child as "bad people" just because they don't have a lot of love for their parent and don't enjoy spending any time with them. They would only be bad if they said they were abused.
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Old 10-10-2018, 07:47 PM
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What does being gay have to do with being a decent parent?
Potentially something, at least. It's much less common to be a gay parent with an unwanted child, because if you're gay, children are less likely to "just happen". So I'd expect that gay parents would be better parents, on average.
  #47  
Old 10-10-2018, 07:49 PM
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[quotev]Also, I think it's a shame that an adult can't be arsed to visit their mother in a nursing home on a holiday. [/quote]I cannot agree with that. If you don't like someone and they didn't/don't treat you well, then there's really no reason you should visit, IMO. Blood does not entitle one to a relationship - that has to be built. And both sides need to be willing. If one isn't, for whatever reason even if it's a bad one, you don't get the relationship.
  #48  
Old 10-10-2018, 09:26 PM
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If someone tells me their parents were abusive, I'll likely ask for more details. If they give me some cockamamie about their parents not being supportive of all their dreams, no matter how financially burdensome, then I won't agree with their assertion. However, if all the siblings are essentially saying that a parent was a horrible, then I'd take that as strong evidence that there was some abuse going on.



It can also be that children simply don't like their parents. Maybe their parents leave a lot to be desired, but their flaws don't rise to the level of abuse. I don't know if it is fair to judge a child as "bad people" just because they don't have a lot of love for their parent and don't enjoy spending any time with them. They would only be bad if they said they were abused.
It's expected that a narcissistic parent will treat (at least) one child exaggeratedly well, and (at least) one child extremely badly. Requiring all of their children to agree that such a parent is bad, is not reasonable - because they strive to be popular with at least one. They do it, at least in part, for exactly the reasoning you've fallen for - it gives the parent "plausible deniability" regarding treating their other kid(s) like shit.

Last edited by DavidwithanR; 10-10-2018 at 09:26 PM.
  #49  
Old 10-10-2018, 10:14 PM
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Potentially something, at least. It's much less common to be a gay parent with an unwanted child, because if you're gay, children are less likely to "just happen". So I'd expect that gay parents would be better parents, on average.
That only true if they assume their homosexuality and stay in homosexual relationships; in the case of women, it also assumes no rape pregnancy.

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Originally Posted by DavidwithanR View Post
It's expected that a narcissistic parent will treat (at least) one child exaggeratedly well, and (at least) one child extremely badly. Requiring all of their children to agree that such a parent is bad, is not reasonable - because they strive to be popular with at least one. They do it, at least in part, for exactly the reasoning you've fallen for - it gives the parent "plausible deniability" regarding treating their other kid(s) like shit.
One thing I really like about my brother who was "the wanted child" is that he always was conscious that he got to be "the wanted child", the pampered one who could (almost) do no wrong. Then again he also finds some of Mom's treatment of him extremely irritating; she only stopped referring to him as "his father's photocopy" when we were all in our 30s, after we managed to hammer it through her head that us elders weren't the only ones who found that line insulting. Nobody likes being objectified, even if it's supposed to be praise.
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Last edited by Nava; 10-10-2018 at 10:17 PM.
  #50  
Old 10-10-2018, 10:45 PM
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her moms care who has Alzheimer...

But anyway, we had a bout a 3 week sexual fling. Maybe fooled around 4 or 5 times. She was aware enough to put on oldies romantic music like we used to play, light some candles and put on a sexy nighty. Anyway she told her daughter about it and I suddenly became this pervert who coerced her into sex taking advantage of her illness..
What?
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