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  #1  
Old 10-09-2018, 10:10 PM
Sloe Moe Sloe Moe is offline
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Alright, this is how my hamburger(s) should be

Take two slices of bread. Take a patty of grilled ground beef, done right. Arrange the three correctly and you have a hamburger. You are not supposed to spread onto it any of the following:

1. anything reddish
2. anything yellow
3. anything white

I don't how mankind managed to evolve into beings that slather disgusting tsup, or mayo, or 'tard onto a perfectly good beef patty but it stops now. I will sooner apply barbecue sauce, or gravy or even chili. Cheese is an acceptable addition, as long as it doesn't overpower the beef. I'm adding it only because I like beef juice mixing with melted cheese. The blander cheese types will do, but not the ones that taste like plastic. If I want to add mushrooms, or bacon, or chili con carne to my burger, I'll ask for a side dish of them. Ditto for fresh vegetables. The art of making a pickle is irreversibly lost to mankind. Lastly, there has to be a better alternative to french fries but friends and relatives aren't very helpful. Again, man's evolution is not uniform.
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Old 10-09-2018, 10:15 PM
Chingon Chingon is offline
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Ok
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Old 10-09-2018, 10:19 PM
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My favorite burger is a Sonic cheese burger with mayo and tomato. That's all. Cannot be replicated at home. I have tried. You must have mayo. Sorry, I disagree with you. But that's the beauty of food; you can have it your way.

Last edited by Beckdawrek; 10-09-2018 at 10:20 PM.
  #4  
Old 10-09-2018, 10:50 PM
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Originally Posted by Sloe Moe View Post
Take two slices of bread. Take a patty of grilled ground beef, done right. Arrange the three correctly and you have a hamburger.
I agree. That is how your hamburger should be.

Mine should be like this:

Nice bun, nothing fancy
Good quality beef, grilled just right
Slice of cheddar
Lettuce
Pickle
Mustard
Onion

Occasionally another topping that strikes my fancy, such as green chile, mushrooms, avocado, or bacon. But really, except for the green chile, other toppings could be considered gilding the lily.
  #5  
Old 10-10-2018, 12:28 AM
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The "Classic American Hamburger" should have

-buffalo meat
-caramelized onion
-blue cheese
-sweet cherry pepper relish
-tomato
-zesty dill pickle
-cranberry mustard
-no bun
-all blended together into a nice paste
-spread onto a corn tortilla
-made into a rolled taco
-cooked
-served with a sweet cherry pepper-cranberry mustard relish
-and a sour cream-quacamole-corn mango salsa-salsa.

Best burger you'll ever have.

Trust me.

I made this once and it destroyed burgers for me. It's the only burger that satisfies now.

Edit: With Rough Drafts suggestion of green chile. Next time I make this I'm adding green chile to the mix, and going with salsa verde instead of corn mango salsa. That should green it up nicely.

Last edited by Drunky Smurf; 10-10-2018 at 12:31 AM.
  #6  
Old 10-10-2018, 12:44 AM
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A ground beef patty, seasoned with salt and pepper. Cooked medium.
A slice of muenster cheese.
A thin slice of raw onion.
Several dill pickle chips.
Ketchup, mayo, and brown mustard.
Served in a hamburger roll. A burger should not be served between slices of bread.
  #7  
Old 10-10-2018, 02:26 AM
Sloe Moe Sloe Moe is offline
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^
It was originally. In fact the owners said each burger came originally with a whole loaf of un-sliced bread (bring your own knife.) I just don't know what the extra slices of toast are for. For this place, only cheese and mustard are available besides the veggies.

http://dthul1bnkj67.cloudfront.net/w...Sandwich-2.jpg

Last edited by Sloe Moe; 10-10-2018 at 02:27 AM.
  #8  
Old 10-10-2018, 02:34 AM
DavidwithanR DavidwithanR is online now
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... Lastly, there has to be a better alternative to french fries but friends and relatives aren't very helpful...
If you're making your friends & relatives into french fries, you've got other problems than just mustard and mayo.
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Old 10-10-2018, 02:37 AM
Sloe Moe Sloe Moe is offline
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The other version of "original hamburger" that I've tasted, the one by the Brothers Menches, had coffee and brown sugar mixed with the ground beef, expected to give a distinctive taste that would make people come back for more. Served with ketsup and onions. Nah.
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Old 10-10-2018, 03:06 AM
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Good luck getting a burger without cheese. You tell them all you want is bread and meat and they are going to ask you, "do you want cheese on that?" It might still come with cheese on it.
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Old 10-10-2018, 03:48 AM
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Stop worrying about what other people eat.
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Old 10-10-2018, 07:15 AM
pulykamell pulykamell is offline
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My perfect burger -- hmm -- well, it depends on what mood I'm in. There's no one perfect burger for me.

My standard burger is a double cheeseburger, with patties no bigger than 1/4 lb, preferably most like 1/6 or even 1/8 pound. Cooked to have crispy edges. Sesame seed bun. Two slices of cheese. American is perfectly fine. Ketchup. Mustard. Dill pickle. Onions. Done.

On the other hand, sometimes I do like California-izing it by throwing lettuce, tomato, and "hamburger sauce" (usu. some 1000 island variant) on it. Preferably if I'm making it myself and have access to my garden tomatoes.

But when it comes to pub burgers (1/2 lb or so), that one's different. That one I take medium-rare-to-rare. My favorite would be topped with blue cheese, with mustard and onion, served on a rye bun, if possible.
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Old 10-10-2018, 07:25 AM
Fear Itself Fear Itself is online now
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It should be noted that a hamburger patty "done right" is made thin, with maximum surface area to develop tasty Maillard reactions, with crispy bits around the edges. Thick meatballs with significant pink in the middle do not belong between buns.

Last edited by Fear Itself; 10-10-2018 at 07:25 AM.
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Old 10-10-2018, 08:31 AM
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Never been a big fan of cheese on a burger, as I don't think it adds much to the flavor. Other than that, the OP is cray-cray.
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Old 10-10-2018, 08:56 AM
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This is the ideal.

Making one at home: 80/20 ground chuck, mixed 75/25 with hot Italian sausage. Grill to medium-well and serve on a good-sized sesame seed bun, with mustard, ketchup, grilled onions, shredded lettuce and maybe a little relish. Eat with lots of relish!
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Old 10-10-2018, 09:04 AM
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Good God you are ALL wrong!

But, since this is the internet, that is to be expected.

(Hmm, I think I will adopt this as my sig line.)
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  #17  
Old 10-10-2018, 09:10 AM
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Growing up we almost always had hamburgers on wonder bread (as opposed to a hamburger bun) and it always made me feel like white trash. I mean, we were white trash, but this is one of the things that really made it obvious.
  #18  
Old 10-10-2018, 09:24 AM
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Originally Posted by silenus View Post
This is the ideal.

Making one at home: 80/20 ground chuck, mixed 75/25 with hot Italian sausage. Grill to medium-well and serve on a good-sized sesame seed bun, with mustard, ketchup, grilled onions, shredded lettuce and maybe a little relish. Eat with lots of relish!
You're describing meat loaf.
  #19  
Old 10-10-2018, 09:32 AM
pulykamell pulykamell is offline
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It should be noted that a hamburger patty "done right" is made thin, with maximum surface area to develop tasty Maillard reactions, with crispy bits around the edges. Thick meatballs with significant pink in the middle do not belong between buns.
I basically consider them two different things, the first being a fast-food style burger, the second being a pub burger. Nine times out of ten, I will prefer the first, but every once in awhile, I just want a faceful of meat. Not stupid large so you can't even hold it in your hand and get your mouth around it: it still needs to be patty shaped.

Oh, and that reminds me, I also love a greasy and gooey patty melt, with well cooked onions, rye bread, and plenty o' cheese. Plus there's a local burger around here called the Big Baby, which is just double cheeseburger with a single slice of cheese in the middle, pickles, mustard, and ketchup, but served with a generous amount of griddled onions. The onions are maybe not quite fully caramelized, but they're definitely not just cooked to a translucent stage. I love fried onions, so this is also a burger after my heart. (Video here of one, with onions shown at 2 minutes.)
  #20  
Old 10-10-2018, 09:35 AM
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On the other hand, sometimes I do like California-izing it by throwing lettuce, tomato, and "hamburger sauce" (usu. some 1000 island variant) on it.
We just called that a 'hamburger deluxe', I'd never heard of it as a California thing because I've seen it everywhere.

My perfect burger has a hamburger patty (naturally), ketchup, mustard, mayo (or sandwich spread), dill pickle, onion, lettuce and tomato on a bun. Notice I did not include cheese.
  #21  
Old 10-10-2018, 09:37 AM
pulykamell pulykamell is offline
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We just called that a 'hamburger deluxe', I'd never heard of it as a California thing because I've seen it everywhere.
Oh, I know it's everywhere, but I just associate it with California for some reason. Maybe it's only me.

ETA: Okay, it's not just me.

Quote:
A “California burger” can mean one of two things. In the earlier half of the 20th century, a California burger came topped with lettuce, onion and tomato. Today, these toppings are ubiquitous, but at a time when California was known for having access to the freshest produce year round, a burger garnished with fresh vegetables came to be associated with the Golden State.
ETA2: Oh, not to keep you in suspense, but the newer meaning means containing guacamole or avocado. Now, I didn't grow up in the early have of the 20th Century, but I just picked up the "California burger" thing somehow, anyway. Maybe from just reading about hamburgers in general.

Last edited by pulykamell; 10-10-2018 at 09:40 AM.
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Old 10-10-2018, 09:41 AM
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OK, I can see that. But I wasn't around in the earlier half of the 20th century.
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Old 10-10-2018, 09:43 AM
Ukulele Ike Ukulele Ike is online now
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Fresh tomatoes are a blunder; they simply make the burger sloppier than it should be, and difficult to handle. Lettuce adds nothing to the experience.

Raw onion and dill pickled slices, white American cheese, yellow mustard and a schmear of mayo to velvetize and add tang.

Congratulations! This is our ONE HUNDRETH “How to fix your hamburger properly” thread!
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  #24  
Old 10-10-2018, 09:57 AM
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Originally Posted by Fear Itself View Post
It should be noted that a hamburger patty "done right" is made thin, with maximum surface area to develop tasty Maillard reactions, with crispy bits around the edges. Thick meatballs with significant pink in the middle do not belong between buns.
When I started making burgers in my panini press with the flat plates it almost changes my life. 1/4" thick & really crispy.
  #25  
Old 10-10-2018, 09:59 AM
pulykamell pulykamell is offline
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OK, I can see that. But I wasn't around in the earlier half of the 20th century.
Like I said, neither was I. Born in '75. But I somehow picked it up along the way.
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Old 10-10-2018, 10:05 AM
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Fresh tomatoes are a blunder; they simply make the burger sloppier than it should be, and difficult to handle. Lettuce adds nothing to the experience.

Raw onion and dill pickled slices, white American cheese, yellow mustard and a schmear of mayo to velvetize and add tang.

Congratulations! This is our ONE HUNDRETH “How to fix your hamburger properly” thread!
Mayo??!?



Get a rope.
  #27  
Old 10-10-2018, 10:06 AM
pulykamell pulykamell is offline
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Congratulations! This is our ONE HUNDRETH “How to fix your hamburger properly” thread!
Subtlety. Subtlety. This is a "how to fix MY hamburger properly" thread. Big difference. It's a kinder and gentler time.
  #28  
Old 10-10-2018, 11:26 AM
RTFirefly RTFirefly is offline
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Good luck getting a burger without cheese. You tell them all you want is bread and meat and they are going to ask you, "do you want cheese on that?" It might still come with cheese on it.
Grill your own - that's the route to good burgers.

There's only one place I'd rather eat a burger at than grill my own. Duffy's Tavern, Anna Maria Island, FL. Their brie and caramelized onion burger is amazing.

USA Today rated them one of the top 10 burger places in the country. That's how good a place has to be, to be better than what I can grill for myself.
  #29  
Old 10-10-2018, 11:30 AM
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Oh, and being a snob about what one should or shouldn't put on one's burger? Better than the same bit of snobbery with respect to hot dogs, I'll grant you. BUT this is still ground beef we're talking about, not filet mignon.
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Old 10-10-2018, 11:33 AM
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Filet Mignon?! You apparently haven't been over to the steak thread.
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Old 10-10-2018, 11:34 AM
pulykamell pulykamell is offline
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Oh, and being a snob about what one should or shouldn't put on one's burger? Better than the same bit of snobbery with respect to hot dogs, I'll grant you. BUT this is still ground beef we're talking about, not filet mignon.
Honestly, I'll take the ground beef four times out of five over the filet. Don't get snobby yourself about meat, mister!
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Old 10-10-2018, 11:43 AM
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Filet Mignon?! You apparently haven't been over to the steak thread.
I have! Thought I'd posted there, actually, but apparently not.
  #33  
Old 10-10-2018, 11:43 AM
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I like loading my hamburger up wth all kinds of stuff.

Sometimes I like it spicy, sometimes cheesy, sometimes meaty, I'm not picky.

My only rule is that I will not abide ketchup AND a tomato. It must be one or the other.
  #34  
Old 10-10-2018, 11:49 AM
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Perfect burger starts with steak. Trim off all visible fat, then grind the steak. Make a nice 1/4 to 1/2 pound patty and sous vide rare. Torch the exterior lightly. Serve on a bun, topping the burger with either a fried egg or a thick slice of avocado. Various condiments on the table.
  #35  
Old 10-10-2018, 11:52 AM
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OK, can we agree that avocado, fried eggs and fucking beetroot have no place on a burger?
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Old 10-10-2018, 11:53 AM
pulykamell pulykamell is offline
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OK, can we agree that avocado, fried eggs and fucking beetroot have no place on a burger?
Nope. Not a fan of avocado, but eggs are fantastic if you like them runny (and I know you don’t, otherwise I would agree it's a waste), and beetroot is just another kind of pickle (and my Polish genes prohibit me from saying anything negative about beets.)

Last edited by pulykamell; 10-10-2018 at 11:56 AM.
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Old 10-10-2018, 11:58 AM
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the burger sloppier than it should be, and difficult to handle.
If this is something you worry about I don't want your burger
  #38  
Old 10-10-2018, 12:20 PM
Ukulele Ike Ukulele Ike is online now
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Mayo??!?



Get a rope.
See John “Best Food Wirter in America” Thorne’s transcendant hamburger essay “Burger Heaven.” Mayo is de rigeur.

Unless you don’t like mayonnaise on your hamburger. Then you can leave it off, no skin off my butt.
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Old 10-10-2018, 12:27 PM
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Hate mayo on a burger. But then, I love Thousand Island on one, so my opinion is highly suspect on the matter.

If I ever find the guy that started the whole "Brioche bun for our upscale burger" trend I'm gonna kick him in the gahoolies. Brioche can't stand up to either the condiments or the natural juices, so the bun disintegrates before you get 5 bites in.
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Old 10-10-2018, 12:30 PM
pulykamell pulykamell is offline
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Hate mayo on a burger. But then, I love Thousand Island on one, so my opinion is highly suspect on the matter.

If I ever find the guy that started the whole "Brioche bun for our upscale burger" trend I'm gonna kick him in the gahoolies. Brioche can't stand up to either the condiments or the natural juices, so the bun disintegrates before you get 5 bites in.
Wait, what? I used to hate brioche buns on burgers, precisely because they were too rich and sturdy for a burger. Now the ones I see being sold commercially seem to be halfway between brioche and a normal hamburger bun, and stand up to a burger better than a bog-standard white bun. Now, I'm a fan of my white hamburger buns with sesame seeds (Martin's, especially), but potato rolls are also where it's at (Martin's, as well.)

Last edited by pulykamell; 10-10-2018 at 12:32 PM.
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Old 10-10-2018, 12:34 PM
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The finest ground steak cooked medium rare.

A slightly toasted bun.

A quarter inch thick slice of onion on the bottom, with the burger on top of that, and pickle slices on top of that, and a slice of tomato on top of that, and horseradish mustard on top of that, and some lettuce on top of that, and then the top of the bun last.

Perfect!
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Old 10-10-2018, 12:50 PM
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Wait, what? I used to hate brioche buns on burgers, precisely because they were too rich and sturdy for a burger. Now the ones I see being sold commercially seem to be halfway between brioche and a normal hamburger bun, and stand up to a burger better than a bog-standard white bun. Now, I'm a fan of my white hamburger buns with sesame seeds (Martin's, especially), but potato rolls are also where it's at (Martin's, as well.)
Please forward the brand names of these buns to the buyers in Las Vegas, because every single burger I've had in the last several years in one of the more upscale resorts has fallen apart almost instantly. We're talking Wynn and Palazzo here, not Casino Royale. I'd rather a bog standard white bun than those brioche monstrosities.
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Old 10-10-2018, 12:55 PM
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I found my perfect burger somewhat by accident. Every once in a while when I go to Five Guys, instead of getting a boring old ketchup mustard pickle onion lettuce burger, I'll get grilled onions, grilled mushrooms, jalapenos, and BBQ sauce. One day when I ordered this, the counter drone asked me if I wanted the jalapenos grilled too. Sure, I said. I didn't even know that was an option. OMFG that was amazing!
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Old 10-10-2018, 01:07 PM
DavidwithanR DavidwithanR is online now
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Good quality meat

Well-judged amounts of other items

Don't get all "creative" on me - burgers have been around a while - if your idea is new, then it's also wrong.
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Old 10-10-2018, 01:07 PM
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they simply make the burger sloppier than it should be, and difficult to handle
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Originally Posted by sitchensis View Post
If this is something you worry about I don't want your burger
Seconded!
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Old 10-10-2018, 01:09 PM
pulykamell pulykamell is offline
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Please forward the brand names of these buns to the buyers in Las Vegas, because every single burger I've had in the last several years in one of the more upscale resorts has fallen apart almost instantly. We're talking Wynn and Palazzo here, not Casino Royale. I'd rather a bog standard white bun than those brioche monstrosities.
These are the ones I've used. My main issue with brioche is that it's just way too rich a bun for something that is already rich as hell. Plus they're usually expensive as hell compared with your standard hamburger bun.




.

Last edited by pulykamell; 10-10-2018 at 01:09 PM.
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Old 10-10-2018, 01:33 PM
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Perfect burger starts with steak. Trim off all visible fat, then grind the steak. Make a nice 1/4 to 1/2 pound patty and sous vide rare. Torch the exterior lightly. Serve on a bun, topping the burger with either a fried egg or a thick slice of avocado. Various condiments on the table.
You and Jasmine are incorrect, sir or madam. Good steak is wasted as ground meat. What you want is ground chuck roast, which is about 20% fat. Fat=flavor, so the less you have of it, the more tasteless the cut. Why filet mignon is/was so popular and expensive is beyond my ken.
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Old 10-10-2018, 01:42 PM
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Seconded!
Hey, bastards, I just don’t like burgers (or sandwiches) that fall apart into my lap before i’m halfway through them.
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Old 10-10-2018, 01:50 PM
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You and Jasmine are incorrect, sir or madam. Good steak is wasted as ground meat. What you want is ground chuck roast, which is about 20% fat. Fat=flavor, so the less you have of it, the more tasteless the cut. Why filet mignon is/was so popular and expensive is beyond my ken.
Some of us fo not like fat, flavor or not.
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Old 10-10-2018, 01:53 PM
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That's why we saved you the rice cakes
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