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Old 03-11-2019, 10:25 PM
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youve been murdered most fouly what fictional dective would you want to investigate?


they can be police dectives private dectives or cozy amature types


id of made a poll but theres just too many .......
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Old 03-11-2019, 10:30 PM
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Inspector Clouseau
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Old 03-11-2019, 10:31 PM
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Nero Wolfe
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Old 03-11-2019, 10:40 PM
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Columbo. I want my murderer to be stalked and driven crazy before he/she is nabbed.

Or Porfiry Petrovich in Crime and Punishment, on whom Columbo is based.
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Last edited by terentii; 03-11-2019 at 10:44 PM.
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Old 03-11-2019, 10:43 PM
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Batman.

Not that I think he'd be significantly better at figuring out who did me in than any others, but I know that if he got involved I at least went out in an interesting way.
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Old 03-11-2019, 10:44 PM
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Vlad Taltos. OK, he's not exactly a detective, and he might not solve my murder, but he's got friends who could bring me back.

(outside of D&D fiction, that's the only setting I know of where resurrection magic is routine)
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Old 03-11-2019, 10:46 PM
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Tough call. A few options come to mind.

Frank Pembleton: Brilliant, dogged, and incorruptible. The man reads Greek! That would have to come in handy if I were snuffed.

Jim Rockford: He could probably get the killer, but even if he can't my brothers would enjoy meeting him. My one brother built a muscle car out of an old Firebird, so he and Jim would have a lot to talk about.

Christopher Foyle: Mostly I think he'd be a calming influence. My wife would (I think) be beside herself if I got croaked. Mr. Foyle would put her at ease. Also, he's entirely above reproach.

I think I'm going with... Foyle. Not only would he calm the situation down and get the killer, he'd do it with no violence whatsoever. And he'd look and sound perfect doing it.

Last edited by Defensive Indifference; 03-11-2019 at 10:48 PM.
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Old 03-11-2019, 10:50 PM
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I'd like a team-up of clouseau with Jessica Fletcher
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Old 03-11-2019, 10:53 PM
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I'd like a team-up of clouseau with Jessica Fletcher
You'd probably have been murdered just because Jessica was in town.
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Is it true the two greatest problems facing us today are Ignorance and Apathy?
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Old 03-11-2019, 11:14 PM
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You'd probably have been murdered just because Jessica was in town.
The hidden subtext/twist of Murder, She Wrote was that she was always the murderer, right? She would frame all these people, and each episode would show how she made it appear to the outside/law enforcement.
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Old 03-11-2019, 11:18 PM
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Harry "Snapper" Organs.
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Old 03-11-2019, 11:23 PM
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I'm kinda into Phryne Fisher at the moment. Plus I want to be murdered in Australia. And wear all those cool clothes, they are to die for.( heh)

Last edited by Beckdawrek; 03-11-2019 at 11:25 PM.
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Old 03-11-2019, 11:26 PM
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Dan Simmons' Joe Kurtz. I may be dead, but so will the perpetrators, at least one dirty cop, and probably a few innocent bystanders. I take being murdered very personally.
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Old 03-11-2019, 11:27 PM
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The hidden subtext/twist of Murder, She Wrote was that she was always the murderer, right? She would frame all these people, and each episode would show how she made it appear to the outside/law enforcement.
Either that or she was cursed to be a harbinger of death.
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Is it true the two greatest problems facing us today are Ignorance and Apathy?
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Old 03-11-2019, 11:31 PM
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C. Aguste Dupin
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Old 03-11-2019, 11:38 PM
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Patrick Jane from The Mentalist. He would walk in the room and solve everything in 5 minutes.
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Old 03-12-2019, 12:03 AM
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Hmmm. Peter Wimsey, Christopher Foyle, or Tom Barnaby? What a conundrum! I'm not sure I can make a choice.

NB: I have nothing against American detectectives, but there's something terribly reassuring about these detectives. Somehow, you feel you're in good hands.
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Old 03-12-2019, 12:04 AM
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Hieronymus "Harry" Bosch. The man's relentless.
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Old 03-12-2019, 12:10 AM
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Sherlock Holmes.
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Old 03-12-2019, 12:23 AM
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Mike Hammer. He'd go all-out to solve my murder, break any law necessary and/or beat the shit out of anyone in his way. And it would be especially satisfying if he was killed just after publicly exposing my killer because I hate asshole detectives.

Last edited by Dropo; 03-12-2019 at 12:25 AM.
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Old 03-12-2019, 12:30 AM
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Ace Ventura. I just want him to do another package delivery intro. Even if I have to die to get it done.
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Old 03-12-2019, 01:01 AM
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briscoe and logan from the good years on law and order

monk and colombo although they might kill each other before they solved me


and the cold case squad ...just the right amount of misfits to get things done
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Old 03-12-2019, 01:15 AM
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Scooby and the gang. Not Scrappy, I hate that little punk. Them meddlin' teens!!

Last edited by Beckdawrek; 03-12-2019 at 01:16 AM.
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Old 03-12-2019, 01:28 AM
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Takeshi Kovacs for me, thanks.
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Old 03-12-2019, 02:28 AM
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Harry Dresden. If I gotta be dead, I want half of Chicago, I mean, my hometown in flames/overrun by vampires/visited by living dinosaur skeletons.
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Old 03-12-2019, 03:51 AM
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His Grace, Sir Samuel Vimes, Duke of the Cities of Ankh and Morpork; with the able assistance of Captain Carrot Ironfoundersson.
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Old 03-12-2019, 04:00 AM
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John Constantine. Mostly because that means whoever killed me is going to get pissed beyond off by a master troll before getting their comeuppance.
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Old 03-12-2019, 04:19 AM
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William of Baskerville because it means that I have been dead for about 600 years. I should be over it all by now.
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Old 03-12-2019, 05:35 AM
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Inch High Private Eye.

Really probably Claude Lebel. From my own experiences I've learned the best detectives are always tenacious as all hell.

I know who I wouldn't want investigating:

Lt. Arthur Tragg and DA Hamilton Burger from Perry Mason. They had a terrible habit of arresting/charging the wrong people every week. HTF did that DA ever get re-elected?

Sheriff Roy Coffee from Bonanza was kind of a dumb ass too and locked up several innocent folks. He should have been booted from office as well!


Quote:
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Not Scrappy, I hate that little punk.
Me too! It's actually fun to hate him!
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Old 03-12-2019, 07:14 AM
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Encyclopedia Brown. Just because.
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Old 03-12-2019, 07:25 AM
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Them Hardy boys were kinda 'dreamy'. If I was a teen who was murdered, send me the boys, please.
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Old 03-12-2019, 07:52 AM
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DCI Tom Barnaby or his brother. A long history of successful investigations.
  #33  
Old 03-12-2019, 07:55 AM
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Judge Dee. Djien Djieh Dee is the only detective I've ever read who used the term "murdered most folly," so I'm sure he'd get to the bottom of the case, even if , as a T'ang dynasty Chinese official, he'd probably need some time to get up to speed in the modern world. ("Tao Gan, see if you can bypass the password on this website.")
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Old 03-12-2019, 08:23 AM
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Adrian Monk.

(Not so sure about that captain he works for. He looks like the sort of guy that would throw you in a hole in his basement and say stuff like "It puts the lotion on it's skin, or else it gets the hose again.")
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Old 03-12-2019, 08:27 AM
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Encyclopedia Brown. Just because.
Bugs Meany did it!
  #36  
Old 03-12-2019, 08:32 AM
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Sherlock Hemlock
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Old 03-12-2019, 08:34 AM
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Another vote for Adrian Monk.
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Old 03-12-2019, 08:38 AM
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To quote Ed McBain: If I get murdered, do not call Jessica Fletcher. Call the cops.
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Old 03-12-2019, 08:43 AM
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Harry "Snapper" Organs.
Yes, but only if he'd been following the case in the colour supplements.

Otherwise Sherlock Holmes, if played by Jeremy Brett. Masterful, whip-smart and implacable.
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Old 03-12-2019, 08:48 AM
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What about a team up between Adrian Monk and Shawn Spencer? The investigation would be Hillarious, a few innocents would be fingered at first, but eventually the real killed will be brought to confess when Monk and Spencer are both telling theories at him in a grand finale.
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Old 03-12-2019, 09:13 AM
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I'm going to go with former Mexican Federale turned vigilante, Machete.

Last edited by JohnT; 03-12-2019 at 09:13 AM.
  #42  
Old 03-12-2019, 09:16 AM
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If it has to be a fictional detective, please call Andrew Vachss's Burke. He and his cahoots are so cool.
  #43  
Old 03-12-2019, 09:19 AM
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Bugs Meany did it!
I don't know. Bugs has a fairly airtight alibi. He and several members of the Tigers are and have been serving time for mopery, loitering, and abuse of a corpse.
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Old 03-12-2019, 09:19 AM
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Sherlock Holmes.
Yes. The one that lives in New York.
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Old 03-12-2019, 09:43 AM
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Stephanie Plum. My wife's a big fan of the Janet Evanovich books, and since I'll be dead, I'll go with her favourite.

Alternate answer - Inspector Gadget.
  #46  
Old 03-12-2019, 10:06 AM
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Christopher Chance is a good enough comic-book sleuth straight up, and even better thanks to his wacky ‘master of disguise’ skills — but the cherry on top is how he’ll sometimes disguise himself as the deceased, to freak out the please-hesitate-now murderer he’s pulling a gun on and could use an advantage against.

Because, hey, if ‘resurrection’ powers are off-limits as too easy an answer, I’ll opt for ‘lookalike’ skills in hopes of the killer thinking he failed to get away with it and also failed to even manage it, what with the victim of attempted murder now apparently attempting murder right back at ya. (And handsome as ever!)
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Old 03-12-2019, 10:14 AM
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Sherlock Holmes.
Unless your alleged crime includes frolicking in diaphanous garments with tiny friends, maybe a detective who spends his alter-ego's time hunting fairies in the garden isn't the best choice.
  #48  
Old 03-12-2019, 10:35 AM
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DCI Tom Barnaby or his brother. A long history of successful investigations.
John and Tom Barnaby were cousins.

I'm leaning towards DI Endeavour Morse and DS Robbie Lewis, but since Morse is dead, maybe DI Lewis and DS Hathaway?
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Old 03-12-2019, 10:48 AM
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Y'all want knowledge. Closure. Peace of mind.

I demand vengeance.

Your detectives are going to do their thing, then give your case to a hopelessly corrupt and inefficient court system which might get your killer 4-7 years for a 2nd-degree manslaughter, only to have y'all watch... shaking with impotent ghost-rage... as your killer gets off early on a technicality.

Machete is PI, Police, Judge, Jury, and Executioner, all rolled into one. I will go into my eternal sleep knowing that my tormentors are getting what they got, just 10 times worse.
  #50  
Old 03-12-2019, 11:18 AM
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To quote Ed McBain: If I get murdered, do not call Jessica Fletcher. Call the cops.
To further quote Ed McBain: The last time a private eye solved a murder case was never.

I’d have to go for Flaming Carrot. I want my killer nailed with a stink bomb.
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