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Old 03-19-2019, 05:18 AM
diggerwam is offline
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long time married guy, have urge to vacation alone. Am I complete jackhole for even bringing it up?


I'm almost 50, been married 27 yrs this summer. Got married a little over 2 months after grad. All in all, good marriage. No kids, doing OK financially.

Past few years, I have had the urge to vacation alone and I have discussed this urge with my wife. Specifically a resort in Mexico that we have been at a number of times. I just found out this resort is going thru a full remodel starting in Aug, therefore the price point will be increasing to a point where i will probably be priced out if I wait until after the remodel.

I don't think it's a mid-life crisis, but even if it is, isn't that normal? I got married immediately after grad, I have never really done much on my own. It would be a challenge to go off and do this myself. There is no real comparison, but my wife has been known to travel for work on her own, and travelling for work to a brand new place seems like it would be a far greater challenge than going someplace where we have been a half dozen times.

Since my mother passed almost 9 years ago, I have come to realize how NOT well rounded she was. She was mother, spouse, caretaker and nurse, but didn't seem to have her own interests and life. She has been a huge lesson to me, I want to be more than just my roles. I want to have a life outside of my already existing roles.

My wife has pushed back on 2 points. 1st, she thinks it's dangerous for me to travel outside of the country alone. I don't agree and I honestly think that's her anxiety talking. There is no way to win, except to say I empathize with your anxiety but this is something I really want to do anyway.

The 2nd point she pushes is that she seems to be open to me going almost anywhere else in the US, just not Mexico. The best part of being long term married is that I always have an exploration partner. The reason why this resort in Mexico is so appealing is that I'm NOT exploring any new places. It's so much fun to explore new places and new restaurants together, I literally can't think of anyplace in the US that I'd want to explore alone.

Thanks for your time and advice.
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Old 03-19-2019, 05:58 AM
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Married 39 years, early 60s.

I frequently vacation without the Missus, either alone or with a friend. Ditto for her (although she does it less frequently then I).

Nothing at all wrong with solo vacations as long as: a) the option is open to both of you, and b) one partner isn't consuming an unfair share of vacation funds.

My advice is to give in on the security worries and travel somewhere else if you want a solo trip. Oddly enough, in our case I am usually the "explorer" of a new place solo, and then revisit with the Missus after reporting back. I also use my solo time to do things that she doesn't like (hunting, fishing, primitive areas, etc.).
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Old 03-19-2019, 06:24 AM
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No, you're not a jackhole at all.

Solo travel is wonderful. And it sounds your wife understands this, but is just worried about your safety.

Your wife is entitled to her anxiety, but that shouldn't hold you back. I don't think it would be so wrong to just tell her that you're going on a trip whether she likes it or not, but you'll check in with her twice a day (or whatever) and promise to be extra careful.

Are there specific things you intend to do while you're on this trip that you typically don't get to do when you travel with her? Maybe your wife just doesn't understand why you don't want her to come along. Perhaps it would help her see things your way if you were to explain to her that you want to check out X, Y, or Z--activities she doesn't enjoy but that you've always wanted to do.
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Old 03-19-2019, 06:45 AM
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Is there any chance your wife is pushing back because this is a place she would also like to go? My husband has gone on many trips without me - and as a general rule, it's because the trip is for a reason/to a place I have no interest in . He's gone on bowling trips , I wouldn't mind a fishing trip - but that brings something else to mind. Most resorts aren't really places you go alone. I don't mean that people necessarily go as part of a couple, but resorts and cruises are places people typically go as either part of a couple or as part of a larger group. Maybe it's not Mexico that's the problem - maybe it's the idea of a resort.
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Old 03-19-2019, 06:49 AM
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We have been to this resort before. This is exactly why I chose this resort again. I'm sure she'd love to come along, but as I tried to make clear in OP, I want to go alone. For the challenge. For the well rounded life. To exist outside if my existing roles.
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Old 03-19-2019, 06:59 AM
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I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting a solo vacation.

I get a slightly odd feel, though, to going someplace you've gone together. My spouse and I have a place in the outer banks we always go together, and I think we'd both feel that both of us belonged there, almost like going out to separate anniversary dinners. It's like the experience is something we do together.

The idea of spending 3 days in Washington, DC walking around to the museums sounds fantastic to me, but my spouse hates hates hates doing that. I like the idea of doing that solo.

61, married 30.
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Old 03-19-2019, 07:08 AM
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I'm not crazy about the idea of taking a long vacation somewhere alone, but Mrs. J. has had some nice trips by herself and I didn't mind.
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Old 03-19-2019, 07:22 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by diggerwam View Post
We have been to this resort before. This is exactly why I chose this resort again. I'm sure she'd love to come along, but as I tried to make clear in OP, I want to go alone. For the challenge. For the well rounded life. To exist outside if my existing roles.
I think if I were your wife, I would be curious what you mean by "challenge". Can you explain to her how would it be challenging to go to a resort you've already gone to before without her? Since you can experience both "existing outside of your existing role" and a "well rounded life" without going to a resort in another country, I don't know if citing these desires does a great job of conveying why this trip is so important to you.

Not that I think you have to have a great explanation. But I think if you default to this explanation, you can't blame your wife for not understanding (and thus feeling really weird). And even though you don't think you're going through a mid-life crisis, your explanation sounds like the kind of thing a person going through a mid-life crisis would say. A non-midlife crisisy explanation would be something like, "I just want to explore [specific Mexican town] more intensively." I guess what I'm saying is, it sounds like you're going through a mid-life introspection thingie (if "crisis" doesn't fit). Own that. There's nothing wrong with having a "thingie". Your wife may be more sympathetic if you can admit you've been thinking a lot about your identity and your unfulfilled dreams.
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Old 03-19-2019, 07:26 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by diggerwam View Post
We have been to this resort before. This is exactly why I chose this resort again. I'm sure she'd love to come along, but as I tried to make clear in OP, I want to go alone. For the challenge. For the well rounded life. To exist outside if my existing roles.
Then my suggestion is that you find a way to explain this to her in a way she understands. Because I can tell you , if my husband told me he wanted to go on vacation without me " For the challenge. For the well rounded life. To exist outside if my existing roles." , I'm not quite sure what I would expect him to be planning* but I certainly wouldn't expect him to return to a resort we've been to before . If he did that, I'd think the whole point of that vacation was to get away from me.




*maybe a safari, maybe a week playing golf, maybe a road trip to visit every baseball stadium - who knows?
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Old 03-19-2019, 07:34 AM
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If your a touchy guy who doesn't want to hear bad news then don't read this:

SPOILER:
She thinks you'll be cheating on her. Wive's ask for separate vacations, not husbands. I'm very sorry to tell you this but your marriage is in trouble.
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Old 03-19-2019, 07:34 AM
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Your wife is justified in her anxieties. Not to give credence to haters, but Mexico is having some problems with travelers disappearing outside of the resort scene.

Are you planning to hike or try backpack camping in the wilderness? Solo, I'm guessing it would be great for meditation and contemplation, but there is some risk in getting lost or hurt. It is safer to be in a group.

Sometimes, a road trip on your own is just the thing. Drive along the highways of the US. See small town America, or follow the Mississippi or Missouri. There's hundreds of options rather than just revisiting a resort that you've already seen before. Unless you want to say a sentimental goodbye to it, because it'll be different once it's renovated.
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Old 03-19-2019, 07:37 AM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by diggerwam View Post
We have been to this resort before. This is exactly why I chose this resort again. I'm sure she'd love to come along, but as I tried to make clear in OP, I want to go alone. For the challenge. For the well rounded life. To exist outside if my existing roles.
None of this makes you a jackhole, but if you were my partner it would feel odd to me too, that you would want to go to "our" place without me. And, not trying to be a jackhole myself, but how is going somewhere you've been before challenging or adding to a well rounded life? If you want to have the feeling of existing outside of your role as half of a couple, maybe don't go to a place you experienced while in that role.
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Old 03-19-2019, 07:37 AM
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I’m unsure how returning to a place you’ve experience with, counts as challenging or could be considered expanding your well rounded ness. I’d be open to the idea for my spouse, if he wanted to experience travelling solo and expanding his experience. Just give both parties equal $ to spend and then let them choose their solo destination, seems easy enough to me.

But I’d have a hard time swallowing that this excursion, to a place you’ve both been, is about your personal growth in any way, to be perfectly honest!

(Ninja’d!)

Last edited by elbows; 03-19-2019 at 07:37 AM.
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Old 03-19-2019, 07:41 AM
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I'm 60, in a long term relationship the past 12(?) years. We vacation in St Martin every winter as a couple thing. I love beach vacations to the point that I decline the opportunity to vacation in non-beach places.

So, my gf has traveled without me (she goes with friends, rather than solo). She has gone to Iceland, Ireland, England, Paris, Las Vegas, Atlanta, and probably a few other places.

I have done a trip to Jamaica solo, allowing me to explore the drug culture in ways my gf wouldn't have been comfortable doing. I've also traveled solo for business trips to beaches on the Atlantic. When my son married in Florida I went solo but that was more about difficulty getting a dog/horse/bird/tortoise/house sitter, my gf would have liked joining me.
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Old 03-19-2019, 07:42 AM
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Is there a reason you 'have' to go to this resort? I understand it feels comfortable for you, having been before, but it also seems to be the main source of your wife's anxiety.

Is there a reason you are dismissing the idea of going somewhere else in the US? It sounds like it would alleviate your wife's complaints, and there's plenty of great resorts you could visit.

I'll be honest and say that I don't understand the fear of travelling abroad, even visiting (the highly closeted resorts of) Mexico, but I recognise that your wife is not me, and you also don't sound like an adventurous traveller, so why not try the US first and see how you like it?

I don't see any problem with travelling alone, if your wife is ok with it, but I think you can do this without causing her unnecessary anxiety.
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Old 03-19-2019, 07:46 AM
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Sorry for the double post but after I submitted the first one I went back and saw that monstro had said it first and better (as usual ). Since she already hinted at it, I guess what I'm really thinking is are you being honest with yourself about your reasons for the desire to vacation alone? Also, TriPolar made a very good point. Assuming you looked at his "spoiler" , that is the split second, top of my head, first thing I thought. Not saying that's what your motivation is but I'd be very surprised if that isn't at the back of your wife's mind.
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Old 03-19-2019, 07:48 AM
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Challenge because I've never really done much on my own since I got married 10 wks after grad.

No, I do not cheat and never would cheat, both of us know that.

I want to save the exploring vacations to do together with my wife. The vacay where I'm travelling previously covered ground, I can do on my own. I love exploring with my wife and simply wouldn't be happy exploring alone.
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Old 03-19-2019, 08:11 AM
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I think the big question is what are you going to be doing at the resort alone that will be different because your wife’s not there? If you’re going solo so you can go fishing, diving, sailing, playing golf, etc., rather than just sitting by the pool, then it makes sense. But if you’re going to be doing the same old things, just by yourself, then it sounds like you’re excluding your wife for no good reason. Or the unstated reason that you want to spend your days drinking beer and cocktails, checking out younger women, and chasing/paying for whatever tail you can get.
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Old 03-19-2019, 08:14 AM
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Two things - first of all, it seems like the point of this vacation is to vacation without your wife. You can't really expect her to be happy about this- "Honey I want to go on a vacation without you. It's not that I want to go somewhere or do something you have no interest in, or that I have much more vacation time than you or that there's a particular event I want to attend and you can't get time off from work at that time. I just want to go on a trip without you"

Second- it seems like the point of this vacation is to vacation without your wife. It has nothing to do with having your own interests and life. Now of course I didn't know your mother, but when you say she wasn't well-rounded and didn't have her own interests, it reminds me of a certain type of person I've known. It's typically a woman - and it's impossible to tell what she herself likes to do. Because chameleon-like, she's interested in whatever the current boyfriend/husband likes. If he likes skiing, they're skiing every weekend - and once they break-up she never puts on skis again. He watches football, suddenly she's a fan - but not once they break-up. And if it's not the boyfriend/husband it's the kids so she spends every weekend for 15 years at some kid's activity.If that's what you mean about your mother, that she didn't seem to have her own interests, that's not going to be changed by you vacationing alone at an already familiar place that you and your wife both enjoy. It's only going to be changed by you having your own interests and pursuing them , accompanied by your wife or not. If you're interested in X activity or place. your interest doesn't become negated because your wife comes along. It almost seems like you don't even want to vacation without your wife, but believe it's like some bad tasting medicine that will cure a problem.

Last edited by doreen; 03-19-2019 at 08:16 AM.
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Old 03-19-2019, 08:23 AM
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Originally Posted by diggerwam View Post
I want to save the exploring vacations to do together with my wife. The vacay where I'm travelling previously covered ground, I can do on my own. I love exploring with my wife and simply wouldn't be happy exploring alone.
Then what 'do' you want this vacation for? If it's just to spend some 'alone' time - again, I don't really see an issue with that, if your wife's on board, but it doesn't mean you have to go to Mexico. Any resort if Florida will feel basically the same, if the object is to lie by the pool, eat tacos and read a book. Travel doesn't have to mean exploration and adventure by any means.
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Old 03-19-2019, 08:27 AM
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Not long time married, but been relatively long in a relationship with my wife.

Is what you want to experience in that resort activities to do on your own, or is it rather being alone (while being housed and fed with no fuss, in a familiar environment)?

In your non-vacation life, do you look forward to occasions at home where your wife is absent for a few hours, and you have the opportunity to do nothing for hours on end without being interrupted in it, or to ruminate on a thought without being asked what you are thinking about, and shouldn't you get off the sofa and make yourself useful?

Last edited by Mops; 03-19-2019 at 08:31 AM.
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Old 03-19-2019, 08:38 AM
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Diggerwarm, your story doesn't quite add up. I'm with all the people who suggest that going to a resort you've been to a bunch of times before hardly seems like an earth-shattering personal growth opportunity. I have no idea why your wife is anxious but Mexican crime might only be one element of it. I don't see a big difference in the risks travelling alone in the U.S. versus a foreign country. The crime risk in the U.S. is higher than almost anywhere else I'd want to travel but I don't really want to go to Mexico.

In principle, I have no objection to spouses travelling separately. At my urging, my wife travels quite a bit with friends. I want her to maintain her important relationships and enjoy things she wants to do even if I can't, or don't want to, do them with her. She also fosters my interests in my sometimes very expensive hobbies. I don't travel much for them but that might change in the next couple of years and she's completely on board. I'm also okay with you just admitting what you want is a little time separate from your wife. If that requires travel, own up to it. Whether your wife can accept that is up to her.

You can also be your own person from home. Socialize with other people without your wife. Pursue some hobbies. Take some time to do what you want to do even if she doesn't want to do them. You aren't joined at the hip.
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Old 03-19-2019, 08:43 AM
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Originally Posted by diggerwam View Post
I want to save the exploring vacations to do together with my wife. The vacay where I'm travelling previously covered ground, I can do on my own. I love exploring with my wife and simply wouldn't be happy exploring alone.
If you want to explore, then go explore. Going to a resort you've been to previously doesn't really seem to meet the criteria. It seems to be exactly "travelling previously covered ground" only without your wife. If I were your spouse I'd be confused by this, since it gives the appearance of you having an ulterior motive.

It's equally confusing since it's obviously a trip your wife has done and presumably enjoyed. The few times I've gone places without my wife it's because it's not something she would enjoy, and vice versa. The impression I get from your explanation is that the main part of the exploration you are seeking is travelling alone, and to a spouse that may appear confusing and worrying.
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Old 03-19-2019, 08:58 AM
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My wife and I sometimes vacation together, and sometimes we do our own things. The only time it's ever been an issue was when some of her friends invited her to join her on an Alaska cruise. "You're not really interested in an Alaska cruise, anyway, are you?", she asked me (after she'd already committed to going on it)...to which the answer was, "Well, actually, I am." That, and she wound up being on it over our wedding anniversary. So, she'd already made her choice before discovering that it was making me at least mildly unhappy, and she went ahead with it anyway.

So, no, I don't think that the suggestion itself (or the desire for a solo vacation) makes you a "jackhole," but, being unwilling to address your wife's concerns about your particular choice might be making you a jackhole.

Quote:
Originally Posted by diggerwam View Post
Challenge because I've never really done much on my own since I got married 10 wks after grad.

No, I do not cheat and never would cheat, both of us know that.
That may well be, but the way that you're articulating your interest in *this* particular location for a solo vacation is clearly triggering warning bells for more than a few of us here, and we're suspecting that that may be part of your wife's discomfort with the suggestion. You may not be intending it (or even thinking in this way), but it sure does come across as code for, "I know I can fool around at that place."

You say:

Quote:
Originally Posted by diggerwam
The reason why this resort in Mexico is so appealing is that I'm NOT exploring any new places. It's so much fun to explore new places and new restaurants together, I literally can't think of anyplace in the US that I'd want to explore alone.
Since she's told you that the fact that it's Mexico is what's making her nervous, if a solo vacation is really important for you, my advice is to pick a U.S. location for your vacation. Have you gone on vacations to U.S. locations with your wife? If so, pick one of those places where you've gone before (which would seem to satisfy your desire to have a vacation where you're "not exploring new places"). If not, and if you insist that only this paticular Mexican resort will make you happy, then accept that fact that your choice is making your wife uncomfortable, and, yes, you are being kind of a jackhole.

Last edited by kenobi 65; 03-19-2019 at 09:02 AM.
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Old 03-19-2019, 09:19 AM
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I can understand wanting to do things without your significant other.

I can understand wanting to take a vacation without your significant other.

I cannot understand wanting to go to a resort without your significant other, especially a resort you have already been to together, and claiming it's both going to be a challenge and saying you don't want to explore somewhere new. It basically sounds like you want some Eat Pray Love time to figure out how to dump your wife.
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Old 03-19-2019, 09:22 AM
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Sounds like your wife understands you better than you do yourself.
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Old 03-19-2019, 09:33 AM
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I don't think it's a mid-life crisis, but even if it is, isn't that normal? I got married immediately after grad, I have never really done much on my own. It would be a challenge to go off and do this myself. There is no real comparison, but my wife has been known to travel for work on her own, and travelling for work to a brand new place seems like it would be a far greater challenge than going someplace where we have been a half dozen times.
It does sound like a mid-life crisis to me. It also sounds like you're not really seeing things clearly. I wonder if there's some underlying issue or emotions you're not willing to deal with and are creating a context where you can justify your actions. It almost sounds like you are trying to convince yourself that it's okay when you know it's not.

Your wife travelling for work cannot be compared to you going on vacation alone. You even said so yourself. Travelling for work is nothing like going on a vacation. You go to a new city, stay in a boring hotel, go to some meetings, and go home. The location is almost irrelevant since you typically only see it in the morning and night as you drive to and from the meeting.

In general, taking separate vacations is neither good or bad. It is something which totally depends on the couple. Some couples it's fine, and other couples it's not. You might consider an analogy with open marriages. There is no absolute answer with something like that. Some couples it's okay, and some couples it's not. In your marriage, taking separate vacations is not okay since your wife has a problem with it. Trying to convince her to change her mind will likely lead to hurt feelings that will have long-lasting consequences.
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Old 03-19-2019, 09:36 AM
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My husband and I have been married 40 years. We very often do things separately, including vacations. What you want to do sets off a million alarm bells in me. You are hiding something from yourself, us, and/or your wife. Figure out what it is, because your reasons don't don't add up.
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Old 03-19-2019, 09:40 AM
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I wish I did but I don't have an option #2. Any other place in the US, I would rather visit with my wife. I would love to be able to take a guy vacation, with family or friends, but that just isn't in the cards. I curse myself for not being creative, or for not having many outside interests or any outside friends.

I do enjoy when my wife is gone for work. Never lived on my own, it's simply enjoyable just being in complete charge of your time, if only for a couple days. I wouldn't trade my marriage, but a couple of days without compromising are nice every once in a while.

Biggest fear is that I come back from vacay and decide that it wasn't worth it. Very scary if you don't have a second option. Then I have this urge, but no interests to act on.
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Old 03-19-2019, 10:11 AM
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My Wife has taken a few vacations without me to just visit her family. I don't always go, but do usually.

We have plenty of interest apart from each other. I spend at least one weekend a month 100 miles away taking care of my Mom (she's home bound) and will hang out with friends. Sometimes, I'll make it two nights, one night with my Mom, and another with a friend.

Some folks will find this strange, but my friend I sometimes stay with is a woman I've known for 30 years. It's always been a platonic relationship. My Wife has a guy friend that she stays the weekend with about once a year.

Never done what I would call a real vacation apart, but could see the desire too. We are not joined at the hip. And I, myself am a bit of a loner. I have no problem just being by myself. Can't ever remember being lonely. I rather enjoy it.
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Old 03-19-2019, 10:16 AM
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It might help to examine why ‘I got married ten wks after graduation’, is part of the equation. That might be a place to start, as it doesn’t seem to fit in with the rest of your rationale.
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Old 03-19-2019, 10:20 AM
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It might help to examine why ‘I got married ten wks after graduation’, is part of the equation. That might be a place to start, as it doesn’t seem to fit in with the rest of your rationale.
It fits perfectly. He has never been a single adult and wants to give it a whirl. Not necessarily picking up women but doing things as an individual.
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Old 03-19-2019, 10:39 AM
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Biggest fear is that I come back from vacay and decide that it wasn't worth it. Very scary if you don't have a second option. Then I have this urge, but no interests to act on.
I will say this: the above, as well as your earlier comments about what you hope to get out of specifically going to this Mexican resort alone, suggest to me that you've set this solo vacation up, in your own mind, as a life-changing experience for yourself. You have, repeatedly, used the word "challenge" in describing going on vacation by yourself, to a place where you've already been, and I think that's part of why your goal with this trip is getting the reaction it is from the other posters here -- to us, we're just not seeing why this would be particularly "challenging."

I also suspect that it's unlikely that a few days on vacation, by yourself, are going to live up to what you might be building it up as in your mind. I agree with Ulfreida -- there seems to be a deeper issue or concern going on here, and either you aren't sure of exactly what it is (though "midlife crisis" might well be part of it), or you aren't articulating it well here.

Last edited by kenobi 65; 03-19-2019 at 10:40 AM.
  #34  
Old 03-19-2019, 10:43 AM
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It fits perfectly. He has never been a single adult and wants to give it a whirl. Not necessarily picking up women but doing things as an individual.
I dunno - I didn't quite buy that either, at least as an explanation of why going to a resort he has been to before would be a challenge. Call up the resort and airline, make reservations, pack and go. At 50, that is a challenge?

I don't think anyone has yet said they don't have SOME questions about the OP's plan. And his explanation about not going anywhere domestically b/c he wants to go w/ his wife? Easy solution - plan a trip to a US destination WITH your wife, and then plan a return visit yourself. Or go somewhere domestically you have been before as a couple. If your wife's concerns truly are about the safety of solo international travel, that should address those. If your true interest is just being on your own, you could simply drive to the nearest large city for a weekend...

Even if you think your wife's concerns baseless, are they so unreasonable that someone in a long-term relationship ought not figure out some way to accommodate them? You really don't give any reason why this Mexico resort HAS to be the destination for your solo "challenge," but you seem oddly resistant to considering any other options.

I've been married 30+ years, and have no expectation that a couple must share ALL experiences tied at the hip. When my wife and I have travelled separately, it has been because one of us wants to go somewhere/do something that the other is not interested in. For example, in June, I'm going to a 5-day music camp, and in July she is spending a week at a violin-making workshop.

I can't really think of a standard "vacation" destination one or the other of us would go on solo. I know she has suggested a long weekend in NYC, attending shows and such. Has VERY little interest to me, and I would prefer if she went with one of our kids or a friend, but if push came to shove, I'd go with her and figure out how to enjoy myself.

So I'd say you are not being a complete jackhole, but you are being somewhat of a dick. And if you are so consistently giving us the impression that you are not being completely honest either with yourself or your wife, your wife has likely had the same thoughts.
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  #35  
Old 03-19-2019, 10:54 AM
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Past few years, I have had the urge to vacation alone and I have discussed this urge with my wife.

... [snip]...

My wife has pushed back on 2 points. 1st, she thinks it's dangerous for me to travel outside of the country alone. I don't agree and I honestly think that's her anxiety talking. There is no way to win, except to say I empathize with your anxiety but this is something I really want to do anyway.
Your wife's concerns about traveling outside your own country alone is not entirely baseless. I don't think it's always a deal-killer, but yes, there are risks to traveling alone, and traveling alone internationally. Women are more at risk and tend to be more anxious about solo travel, but men are not immune.

That said - you can (and I assume you would) take precautions about such travel. The fact that you've been to this location before probably reduces some potential hazard as well. But please don't dismiss this as "just" anxiety.

I'm in favor of either half of a married couple taking solo trips from time to time. Time away, separate interests, and so forth are important for people. Even so, when you're married you're never entirely solo even if you're off on your own. If you can address specific concerns your partner has (rather than a generalized "international travel is dangerous") that might help as well.

Ultimately you're going to have to work this out with your wife, but some compromise makes for a stronger marriage.
  #36  
Old 03-19-2019, 10:55 AM
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Something is missing here, and quite likely obscured even to you. It all doesn’t add up. Clearly you are looking for something, and have very oddly narrowly defined it as: “A resort outside the US, which I already know, without my wife”. Odds are this is the expression of a broader need or want. Identify it, and try to find a way to address it which doesn’t hit your wife’s feelings for one, and which does a better job at it for seconds. This may sound over the top, but I believe strongly that you might benefit from some counseling. There is something going on which you are not entirely aware of - learning what it is can only be helpful.
If that is just not your thing, the armchair not-even-close-to-a-psychologist read here is that you need some interests separate from your wife’s. Find a volunteering opportunity in an area she has absolutely no interest in.
  #37  
Old 03-19-2019, 10:59 AM
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I want to save the exploring vacations to do together with my wife. The vacay where I'm travelling previously covered ground, I can do on my own. I love exploring with my wife and simply wouldn't be happy exploring alone.
If you're not exploring, it doesn't matter where you are. You can just as easily "not explore" a resort in Miami as you can a resort in Mexico.

You may also benefit from finding a hobby. Something that is entirely yours, that you do just for yourself.
  #38  
Old 03-19-2019, 11:04 AM
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Yeah, I don't buy the whole challenge aspect of this either. It sounds more like you just want some time to yourself. Lay by the pool, eat and drink what you like, no time commitments, sleep late, take a deep sea fishing excursion, ride ATV's in the desert, read several books, watch movies, porn, etc. Do what you want on your own time for several days.

That doesn't make you more well rounded. That's called recharging your batteries. Does it make you jackhole for wanting to do this on your own, no. But at least be honest about it.
  #39  
Old 03-19-2019, 11:15 AM
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My husband and I have been married 40 years. We very often do things separately, including vacations. What you want to do sets off a million alarm bells in me. You are hiding something from yourself, us, and/or your wife. Figure out what it is, because your reasons don't don't add up.
I agree. As I was reading your OP, it was not passing the sniff test. I do not know what is going on because there is much left unsaid I think.

I have been married for twenty years and my wife and I have both been on trips apart, but usually because of a business or type of event reason. If we are going somewhere nice, we want to go together.

When we travel we have me days and she days, so we both get to do what we want.

You both sound very sheltered and maybe there are issues to be worked on that do not immediately require a trip?
  #40  
Old 03-19-2019, 11:25 AM
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I think folks are reading too much into this. If the couple has done virtually everything together for 27 years, then it makes perfect sense that:

1) The husband would regard going anywhere without his wife as a challenge--he doesn't know what it's like to be an adult and not be with her for a few days; and
2) The wife would be anxious about her husband's going off--she doesn't know what it's like to be an adult and not be with him for a few days.

I absolutely don't think it should be an ultimatum, though. This isn't a one-off experience. Diggerwam, find something else you could do without her, e.g., a different resort. Be flexible. And present her with some research: "My first choice would still be to go to XYZ Resort, but I hear your concerns, so I could also take some time by myself and go to ABC or DEF Resort instead, what do you think?"

Given that research, she may well relent and give her blessing to your first choice.
  #41  
Old 03-19-2019, 11:29 AM
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Married 38 years. For the sake of discussion, I'm going to stipulate the OP is being honest, that he's having some sort of midlife restlessness, and he wants to step just a little bit outside his comfort zone, but keep the training wheels on so to speak, by going to a familiar place.

So here's my Option #2. Pick an American city. Any American city will do, but preferably one that has an attraction known world wide: San Antonio and the Alamo; Buffalo and Niagara Falls; St. Louis and the Arch -- it doesn't matter what the city or the attraction is. It doesn't matter whether you've been there before. It doesn't matter whether you've been there with your wife, because you can always go back there with her.

Book a two-night, two-day trip. Spend Day One visiting that world-famous attraction and all the related places around it. Start early in the morning, have a busy day, go back to your hotel and get a good night's sleep.

Day Two - You have 24 hours in city where you've already seen the most famous thing there is to see. All the natives speak English. You can get around with just your cell phone apps. You have no agenda and are free to do anything from staying in your hotel and watching cable up to and including cheating on your wife with a hooker, buying bad drugs on the street and dying from your first time trying drugs. What do you do?

Let us know how it goes.

Last edited by kunilou; 03-19-2019 at 11:33 AM.
  #42  
Old 03-19-2019, 11:32 AM
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Mr.Wrekker vacations alone. Hunting and fishing trips. I'm not going on those trips. Nope. Ain't happening. It doesn't matter because I'm a troubling traveler. I'm phobic about almost everything associated with traveling.
I wouldn't deny him the chance to travel for anything. He worked very hard/many years to provide us a nice life. In his retirement, he deserves to travel, if he wants.
I have zero problems with it.

Last edited by Beckdawrek; 03-19-2019 at 11:34 AM.
  #43  
Old 03-19-2019, 12:22 PM
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As far as I know I'm being 100 percent honest. I want this resort because I'm comfy there and no exploring, which would be hugely insulting to my wife.

I know of no place in US I'd like to travel to solo, or if nothing else would be tremendously more fun with a partner. I think going somewhere in US for no particular reason is a dick move.

I want to want to go to my destination, not just throw a dart at a map. My outside interests are very limited. Love to go to Vegas with my boyz, but I have no boyz to go with. I'm looking to get out of my comfort zone a little. When we travel, and we do travel a lot, usually I'm just the pack mule. So yes, this would be a challenge

There are no outside agendas beyond what I tried to explain in my OP. Just want to go somewhere I enjoy and be in charge of my time. I don't drink to excess. No drugs. Married so long I'm pretty sure I couldn't chat up a pretty girl even if that was my goal. Which it's not.
  #44  
Old 03-19-2019, 12:28 PM
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It fits perfectly. He has never been a single adult and wants to give it a whirl. Not necessarily picking up women but doing things as an individual.

Perhaps, but it seems to reference his marriage unnecessarily, to me.
  #45  
Old 03-19-2019, 12:29 PM
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I think folks are reading too much into this. If the couple has done virtually everything together for 27 years, then it makes perfect sense that:

1) The husband would regard going anywhere without his wife as a challenge--he doesn't know what it's like to be an adult and not be with her for a few days; and
2) The wife would be anxious about her husband's going off--she doesn't know what it's like to be an adult and not be with him for a few days.
I don't think anyone here has had a problem with the OP taking a solo vacation, or dealing with his wife's concern about foreign solo travel. It's this particular trip and the reasons given for choosing it that seem to be triggering some flags. It may be coming across as "I want to take a trip we've previously taken together, and both enjoyed. But the only difference this time is I'm going to leave you at home because of reasons that I can't articulate very well." Even removing concerns about cheating from the equation, it just comes off a little odd, in a way that taking a trip to a new place wouldn't, IMO.
  #46  
Old 03-19-2019, 12:29 PM
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I think folks are reading too much into this. If the couple has done virtually everything together for 27 years, then it makes perfect sense that:

1) The husband would regard going anywhere without his wife as a challenge--he doesn't know what it's like to be an adult and not be with her for a few days; and
2) The wife would be anxious about her husband's going off--she doesn't know what it's like to be an adult and not be with him for a few days.
The wife seems perfectly fine with the OP having a solo vacation as long as its in the US. She travels without him all the time with no prob, so presumably she's not anxious because she can't bear to be without him. She's just anxious because he'll be in a country with a violent reputation, which is perfectly understandable. Based on what diggerwam has shared with us, the wife's position actually seems pretty dang reasonable.

It seems to me diggerwam has experienced "alone" time before, because he says his wife travels without him frequently. I understand having the house to oneself for a few days isn't the same thing as laying out on the beach with a fruity drink. But surely it provides the "existing outside of my existing role" experience that diggerwam seems to be hungering for. If it hasn't satisfied that particular itch, the question is why not? And what makes diggerwam think a solo trip to this particular resort will be the magic key, but a solo trip closer to home won't?
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Old 03-19-2019, 12:33 PM
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Because I don't have any solo trip close to home that interests me. Period. I'd like to go some where I want to go, not just some random city on a dart board.

If I went to some random city, the trip would be infinitly better if I went with my wife. Point is not simply getting away, it's going somewhere I want to be.
  #48  
Old 03-19-2019, 12:36 PM
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As far as I know I'm being 100 percent honest. I want this resort because I'm comfy there and no exploring, which would be hugely insulting to my wife.

I know of no place in US I'd like to travel to solo, or if nothing else would be tremendously more fun with a partner. I think going somewhere in US for no particular reason is a dick move.

I want to want to go to my destination, not just throw a dart at a map. My outside interests are very limited. Love to go to Vegas with my boyz, but I have no boyz to go with. I'm looking to get out of my comfort zone a little. When we travel, and we do travel a lot, usually I'm just the pack mule. So yes, this would be a challenge
I agree with LHoD in that your idea is baby steps. However, in your own words, going there is what is hugely insulting to your wife. You need to have a talk with her & articulate what you said here - that you don't want to go somewhere new w/o her. Then you need to listen to her objections & come up with some compromise.
If you're only going to a resort & hanging around the pool there are literally hundreds of them in the US that can accommodate you; it would be a little bit more outside of your comfort zone, but not much. I inclined to think that she'd be much more okay with that.
  #49  
Old 03-19-2019, 12:38 PM
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If she had brought a similar situation to you, how would you react? If she said "I want to go that Mexican resort that we have fun at, but I want to go by myself." how would you feel? Perhaps at this moment you'd be okay since you want something similar, but what if was before you had this idea? Let's say 10 years ago she said she wants some time to vacation by herself. Even if you agreed, what concerns would you have? Would you be worried she was having an affair, was getting tired of you, didn't like vacationing with you, or something else?

It sounds like the married couples which take separate vacations do so because the purpose of the vacation is only interesting to one spouse. But it seems rare that couples would take separate vacations that would normally be shared. So if they both like going on cruises, it would be odd if they took separate cruises, and even odder if they took the same cruise but at different times.
  #50  
Old 03-19-2019, 12:40 PM
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As far as I know I'm being 100 percent honest. I want this resort because I'm comfy there and no exploring, which would be hugely insulting to my wife.

I know of no place in US I'd like to travel to solo, or if nothing else would be tremendously more fun with a partner. I think going somewhere in US for no particular reason is a dick move.

I want to want to go to my destination, not just throw a dart at a map. My outside interests are very limited. Love to go to Vegas with my boyz, but I have no boyz to go with. I'm looking to get out of my comfort zone a little. When we travel, and we do travel a lot, usually I'm just the pack mule. So yes, this would be a challenge

There are no outside agendas beyond what I tried to explain in my OP. Just want to go somewhere I enjoy and be in charge of my time. I don't drink to excess. No drugs. Married so long I'm pretty sure I couldn't chat up a pretty girl even if that was my goal. Which it's not.

OK, these are explanations that make sense (although I don't understand why you can't find a similar resort in the US). You just want to chill out on the beach and be the master of your own time and energy, without being a pack animal. So that's how I would explain it to your wife. The desire to "exist outside of your role" is a topic for a deeper conversation.
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