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Old 02-21-2020, 09:23 AM
Declanium is offline
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Update on my sons


Hello all. I’m back with an update.
As you may remember, I am the bad mom with the two teen boys (15 and 17) who were smoking and vaping weed last year.
Family therapy. Long talks.
The 17 year old has turned around, I think. Says he doesn’t miss weed. And glad he stopped using it. Looking forward to graduation from high school and on to college.
The 15 year old, however, even tho he’s passed drug tests, has continued to be a problem for us.
Both boys phones were taken away.
Well, we found that the 15 year old got an iPod from his friend. He’s been using it since January. And we recently found out that he was drinking at a sleepover party at his friends house. And once before over the summer.
The younger kid will be the death of us.
He lies, he drinks, he has used weed. He’s only 15. How will he get to 25?????
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Old 02-21-2020, 09:28 AM
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Also, he had a text from his iPod that said he had tried acid. He claims it was a joke but now since he’s continued to lie, we’re not sure.
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Old 02-21-2020, 09:33 AM
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I thought you were cool with alcohol use, as long as they stayed away from the demon weed?
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Old 02-21-2020, 09:38 AM
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Alcohol is a problem for some kids, but not for others.

You can like beer in high school and still end up on the Supreme Court.

I started drinking around 15 years old. Maybe sooner. I survived past 25 (and 50).
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Old 02-21-2020, 09:40 AM
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Alcohol is a problem for some kids, but not for others.

You can like beer in high school and still end up on the Supreme Court.

I started drinking around 15 years old. Maybe sooner. I survived past 25 (and 50).
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Old 02-21-2020, 09:43 AM
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Okay, and?...

There have been so many threads devoted to this, already. This forum has been pretty clear (and impressively unified) on how you should be handling this. I don't really know how much more we can tell you: Continue to love your son, accept that he will make mistakes and do things you don't like, and tell him that even though you don't approve of the drinking, that if he's ever in trouble and needs a ride, HE STILL NEEDS TO CALL YOU, rather than drive himself.

My parents had the expectation that my brother and I wouldn't drink, but told us that if we did, to call them if we needed a clean ride home. I never had to, and I don't believe my brother did either, but just knowing we had a safe way home and that we wouldn't be screamed at was comforting. The last thing you need is your teenager acting like teenagers often do, but then deciding that he'd rather not risk your wrath, resulting in him hitting someone on the way home.

Also, like Dewey said: I thought you were totes cool with alcohol use
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Old 02-21-2020, 09:48 AM
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I never said I was ok with alcohol use. I had said that with alcohol use, it is easier to discuss with other parents. Just like in this case, the parent told me they had apparently been drinking beer.
My concern is that yes, I can love, support but my husband and I are finding it hard to trust as he has continued to lie. Every month it’s a new thing that has broken our trust.
Doesn’t seem like normal teen rebellion. This kid is firing on multiple cylinders.
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Old 02-21-2020, 10:07 AM
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I thought you said that your husband's family had a history of alcohol abuse. It's possible that your fifteen-year-old son inherited the gene or the personality or whatever it is that makes him more likely to be an abuser of drugs, alcohol or both. In that case you may want to advise him to steer clear of both. I had a college friend whose mother was an alcoholic and for this reason he has always been very strict about not consuming any alcohol whatsoever.
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Old 02-21-2020, 10:20 AM
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We’ve discussed the possibility of addiction in family. Seems to fall on teenage deaf ears.
According to therapist, teens believe it will never happen to them.
Until it does.
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Old 02-21-2020, 10:27 AM
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Originally Posted by Procrustus View Post
Alcohol is a problem for some kids, but not for others.

You can like beer in high school and still end up on the Supreme Court.

I started drinking around 15 years old. Maybe sooner. I survived past 25 (and 50).
Quote:
Originally Posted by Procrustus View Post
Alcohol is a problem for some kids, but not for others.

You can like beer in high school and still end up on the Supreme Court.

I started drinking around 15 years old. Maybe sooner. I survived past 25 (and 50).
Of course, you have that problem of repeating yourself. Suuuuurrre, blame it on board timeouts.
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Old 02-21-2020, 10:29 AM
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He lies, he drinks, he has used weed. He’s only 15. How will he get to 25?????
Um....ten years will pass?

Or maybe before then he will wake up and his life will be in shambles (his own doing) just like you told him. Desperately in need of someone whom he knows loves HIM, warts and all, his family will not fit that need because for the past X years all they have done is tell him he's wrong, messing up, damaging the family. He will be alone, his sense of self-worth shredded, knowing in his heart you were right all along and he has indeed ruined his life. Repentant, crushed, addled, he will do the right thing for once in his life and stop being a burden on you.

YMMV. Good luck.
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Old 02-21-2020, 11:30 AM
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So you're so disappointed that your other three threads have dropped off the active list you had to start a new one. I'd say you're the one who's addicted, to attention. Please get treatment and leave us alone.
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Old 02-21-2020, 12:29 PM
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I remember the dark day when my mother caught me drinking a ginger ale. It put our family through the wringer and hung it on a clothesline and folded it neatly when it was dry and tucked it into the bottom drawer of the walnut dresser in the guest bedroom. I assured her that it was just a soda with no alcohol, but she was inconsolable—first it's ginger ale, she cried, and then you'll move on to Cheerwine, and in a year you'll be pounding back Shirley Temples with the rest of the boozed-up sots on Skid Row.

Ten years ago, after my father brought home a pint of rum raisin Häagen-Dazs, she took her own life. He found her draped over her favorite couch and assumed she'd just fainted.
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Old 02-21-2020, 01:27 PM
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So you're so disappointed that your other three threads have dropped off the active list you had to start a new one. I'd say you're the one who's addicted, to attention. Please get treatment and leave us alone.
This!!
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Old 02-21-2020, 04:36 PM
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So you're so disappointed that your other three threads have dropped off the active list you had to start a new one. I'd say you're the one who's addicted, to attention. Please get treatment and leave us alone.
Agreed. Don't feed the troll!
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Old 02-21-2020, 06:01 PM
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Well, for alcohol, I remember we always had a presentation for sophomores and juniors in our HS. It was one of the fathers of a student. He worked for Police/FBI and came each year to show us graphic, graphic pictures of drunk driving victims. Some with head cut off, some who became part of the dashboard, some with enough cuts to bleed out in the freaking car.

I'd suggest prepping him for this kind of thing. Yeah, at 15, I'm sure he'll be like, "Ah, that won't be me". So what? I say put him in the scare category on drunk driving. If he gets afraid of that happening, it might help all alcohol consumption.
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Old 02-21-2020, 06:15 PM
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Agreed. Don't feed the troll!
I know... but it is just so hard.

My sons were caught as teens on more than one occasion. One has an honors degree in finance and is working as a wealth manager. The other is a Physician's Assistant.

Damn Losers!
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Old 02-21-2020, 06:20 PM
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This kid is firing on multiple cylinders.
Yeah, he is. And that's how an engine is supposed to work. Would you prefer he not be firing on any cylinders? Maybe you'd prefer that he didn't have a combustion engine at all; maybe you'd rather that he be a horse-drawn cart, or a rickshaw. For that matter, he shouldn't have wheels either, because things with wheels can roll away from you. It would be better if he were just a block of wood that you could keep in a box, apparently.

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Old 02-21-2020, 06:40 PM
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After following various threads I will pipe up and say that your kids seem like perfectly normal teenagers. I was probably 19 by the time I tried acid, but the rest of the timeline fits.

I have had every opportunity to smoke marijuana throughout my life but rarely do. In the situation I'm currently in I could smoke every day, yet the last time I had any was probably last September.

You know what my parents did? They gave me sound advice and then basically just left me the fuck alone to make my own decisions. I think you're alienating your sons.

By the way. That acid text wasn't a joke. He's tried it. Believe me.

Last edited by Leaffan; 02-21-2020 at 06:41 PM.
  #20  
Old 02-21-2020, 06:53 PM
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We’ve discussed the possibility of addiction in family. Seems to fall on teenage deaf ears.
According to therapist, teens believe it will never happen to them.
Until it does.
Your therapist is a genius
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Old 02-21-2020, 11:08 PM
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Originally Posted by Procrustus View Post
Alcohol is a problem for some kids, but not for others.

You can like beer in high school and still end up on the Supreme Court.

I started drinking around 15 years old. Maybe sooner. I survived past 25 (and 50).
Quote:
Originally Posted by Procrustus View Post
Alcohol is a problem for some kids, but not for others.

You can like beer in high school and still end up on the Supreme Court.

I started drinking around 15 years old. Maybe sooner. I survived past 25 (and 50).

I don't drink and now I'm seeing double!
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Old 02-21-2020, 11:28 PM
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I can't think of a single reason your son would be less than forthcoming with you about his experimentation with alcohol and other drugs.





Can you?

Last edited by Esprise Me; 02-21-2020 at 11:31 PM.
  #23  
Old 02-22-2020, 03:49 AM
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Agreed. Don't feed the troll!
Don't make accusations of trolling outside of the Pit.
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Old 02-22-2020, 08:13 AM
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...By the way. That acid text wasn't a joke. He's tried it. Believe me.
This. But probably only that once.

And yeah, your kid may have some issues. I'm glad you apologized to him. Maybe you can still help him.

Do you have any idea how much he is drinking?

None of what you've described is a death sentence. I tutored a Harvard student who told me he took acid on New Year's Eve every year. He wasn't great at calculus, but he was basically a together kid who was doing fine.
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Old 02-22-2020, 09:21 AM
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I actually believe him when he says the acid thing was a joke. I confirmed with the other parent that they had told a friend that they were doing it at a sleepover to freak him out. They did actually drink and took a cellphone video to send to the kid saying things like “look at the sky” etc. They thought it was funny.
My son was adamant that acid would mess up his brain. When I said that weed had done similar damage, he told me that acid was much worse.

As for drinking, the sleepovers were when they were doing it. We know of two, possibly three times. Beer, they said.

Last edited by Declanium; 02-22-2020 at 09:23 AM.
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Old 02-22-2020, 09:40 AM
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Well, acid does mess with your brain a great deal more than weed. You ought to know stuff like that. If you say things like "weed does similar damage to acid" your kids will know that you have no idea what you are talking about, and won't trust other things you say, that might be true.
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Old 02-22-2020, 09:45 AM
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Someone message me when they start smoking crack.
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Old 02-23-2020, 11:48 AM
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Someone message me when they start smoking crack.
Or having sex - with themselves or someone else - of either sex!

Declanium - you sound like you are coming from someplace extremely naive, conservative, intolerant, or all combined. What your kid is doing sounds pretty darned normal. Many - if not most - teens do as bad or worse. (Which is not to say that it can't be quite frustrating for any parent.) Nearly all of them survive just fine.

Feel free to react - or overreact - how you wish.

Your repeated threads do seem to suggest you are somewhat of a drama whore.
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Last edited by Dinsdale; 02-23-2020 at 11:49 AM.
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Old 02-23-2020, 05:29 PM
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You ultimately gotta ask yourself, if these are to be this child’s errors in judgement, when exactly do you want him to be doing his poor choice making, if NOT at fifteen? Would you rather he suppressed all this, (Y’know, to please you!) and then at thirty five start making bad choices? When it will most likely cost him his job, family, marriage sending his whole life wildly off the rails. Now IS the age for him to be learning life lessons. Consider the wisdom to stand back and let life do the teaching.

The world is pretty forgiving of young men ‘learning some things the hard way’. Far, far less so for adults. You don’t have to approve, but you should recognize at this age he’s on the ragged fringes of beyond your command.

I think your silent disapproval will prove far more effective that heavy handed discipline and constant pushing for him to ’obey’ you.

Good Luck!
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Old 02-24-2020, 03:18 AM
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Gods, I miss being 15. We would sit by the river, naked and covered in ash. We'd spend the whole day smoking hashish, engaging in sexual rituals and eating human flesh.
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Old 02-24-2020, 06:28 AM
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Gods, I miss being 15. We would sit by the river, naked and covered in ash. We'd spend the whole day smoking hashish, engaging in sexual rituals and eating human flesh.
Point taken. And look what you turned into!
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Old 02-24-2020, 07:43 AM
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Well, acid does mess with your brain a great deal more than weed. You ought to know stuff like that. If you say things like "weed does similar damage to acid" your kids will know that you have no idea what you are talking about, and won't trust other things you say, that might be true.
I can't speak to 'mess with your brain' as far as damage, but acid certainly takes you to a very different place. However, the thing about acid is that you (or rather, most people) don't have any interest in doing it regularly. You might smoke pot every day, but only do acid here and there. I smoked as much as any other HS/college kid, a few times a day, every day. Between acid and mushroom, I probably did them a combined total of less than a dozen times during HS/college.

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Point taken. And look what you turned into!
He went back to school and now he's not just a pile of crap but *Dr* Crap!
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Old 02-24-2020, 07:52 AM
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I don't drink and now I'm seeing double!
Have you tried drinking more?
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When I said that weed had done similar damage
That statement right there, that's one of the big reasons why (arguably) the DARE program is a failure. If you lie and make stuff up (purposely or otherwise), at some point they learn the truth.
Similarly, abstinence-only policies rarely work and often make things worse.

My suggestion would be to do what a lot of parents do. You drill in to them that you don't want them to using AODA, they do their best to hide it. You get your point across and they'll use it less because they know how you feel about it.
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Old 02-24-2020, 08:02 AM
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Joey, the disapproval is loud and clear. From both my husband and me. We are working at rebuilding our relationship with them, particularly the younger one who is seemingly more of the rebel in this family.
I hope our disapproval matters more than the feeling for they get when they use drugs.
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Old 02-27-2020, 02:22 PM
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Joey, the disapproval is loud and clear. From both my husband and me. We are working at rebuilding our relationship with them, particularly the younger one who is seemingly more of the rebel in this family.
I hope our disapproval matters more than the feeling for they get when they use drugs.
Yes, unrelenting disapproval is one of the cornerstones of effective parenting.
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Old 02-27-2020, 02:42 PM
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I hope our disapproval matters more than the feeling for they get when they use drugs.
You can rest assured it does. Nothing like disapproval to make a kid want to do less drugs. You're a genius. If you really ratchet it up I'll bet he won't be doing drugs (or anything else) by the end of the year.
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Old 02-27-2020, 02:49 PM
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Someone message me when they start smoking crack.
He's 15 and he knows what weed is, bro. 100% he's already butt-vaping uranium
  #38  
Old 02-27-2020, 02:58 PM
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So the problem is he's not sharing, or what?
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Old 02-27-2020, 09:29 PM
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So the problem is he's not sharing, or what?
No. the mother just wasn’t getting enough attention.
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Old 02-28-2020, 07:41 PM
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He's 15 and he knows what weed is, bro. 100% he's already butt-vaping uranium
The only thing that comes close to mommy's Christmas pancakes.... Truly, this is a predictable turn of events.
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