Ah, they forgot #0…
If you are sick (especially if you are coughing and/or sneezing), STAY AT HOME…do not even attempt to serve food to customers.
Also:
I find this rather amusing…“Chicks and gentlemen” is acceptable then?
I read that more as, “Don’t say ‘Hey, lady, what are you having?’” rather than “the lady and the gentleman.”
I had to read it twice before I got that, though–my first though was the same as yours. 
Again, the relativity thing. this kind of above and beyond label service, of course, is entirely dependent on what kind of backing both managerial and practically the server has behind them. Does he plan on having a dedicated wine label steamer that zips it off in seconds, or do I have to stand in the kitchen over a pot of boiling water and spend ten minutes steaming a freakin’ wine label off of some shitty merlot bottle, while I could actually be, ya know, serving my six top, four fourtops, a single and a deuce? Will I have bussers?
Will they give me the technology to make it quick and elegant? Will I have enough resources to make it top quality-- the best backing staff and managers? I usually assume, no, because IME when the rubber meets the road- lists, rulebooks, and the hard and fast go out the window and you have to deal with people as individuals and the red line (financial) as the bottom line.
Now, if this restauranteur is thinking of competing with La Bernardin, as it might seem to be, then it is a good list and makes more sense, but he might want to depersonalize it. This list sounds like the rantings of some obsessive compulsive, old queen, like that Jeff Lewis, Flipper Dude.
I’ve thought about making a small, tasteful sign for the table to read "Please don’t ask me how the food tastes.* Servers started doing this some years back. I do not want to give a review of the food for you. “How is everything?” or “Can I get you anything else?” are fine.
It’s good this made the list. I don’t give a rat’s ass what your favorite entree or dessert is. If there’s a relevant warning, like if extraterrestrial creatures are infesting the marinara, then that’s OK.
*I’ve also considered responding to this question with a rejoinder like “Too much fucking tarragon.” But it’s not worth the risk.
I got a form of this just the other night: “How is everything tasting?” Gah. Yeah, that one bugs me too, and I don’t know why. Perhaps because it neglects anything else that might need attention: “Well, the food tastes fine, but there’s a bug in my water glass.” Or because the taste may be irrelevant: “Well, this is about the blandest shit I’ve ever eaten, but my friends wanted to eat here and I just got dragged along.” Maybe Jackmanii has it right: I’m not here to review the food, I just want to eat.
I would also prefer a simple “How is everything?”
I forget, was this on the list? Please give me a chance to order a drink on my own before you rattle off all the choices. I HATE HATE HATE having to sit through a recitation of every Pepsi product on the face of the planet when I’m going to be having water. This happens with salad dressings too. Given a chance, I will usually ask, “Do you have a vinaigrette?” and they usually do. I don’t need to know about the parmesan peppercorn, honey mustard, creamy ranch, spicy French, Thousand Island, hot bacon, etc. (and damn it, they almost always list the vinaigrette LAST).
If I need the list, I’ll ask and will listen politely. (I also listen politely instead of interrupting when I get a list I didn’t ask for and don’t need, but I’m steaming on the inside.) Otherwise, give me a chance to tell you what I want up front and we can both save some time.
Ya know, the first half and the second half of this list seem like it came from two different people. This list is absolutely schizophrenic when I read it again, it almost seems like a bunch of advice hodgepodged from a group of different chefs and resteraunteurs… it is really very direct object, very outside looking in… but as good, practical, advice for a server, not so much. This is the eternal bitchin’ customer list, what it has to do with the proper keeping of a warm hearth and Inn, I have no idea.
My philosophy when it comes to this list, just show me what you want me to do… not what you don’t want me to do. That bridge will come and I won’t burn it, either way. Reception, Connection, and Volition (RCV)… through these you give great service.
Yes, yes, a thousand times yes! If my server is coughing or sneezing or just wiping his nose, then I will probably wonder why the manager hasn’t noticed this and sent him home. And I am likely to get up and try to find the manager to express my extreme displeasure, and then go out in search of another place to eat. And customers should also stay home, if they’re sick. Some things simply should not be shared.
I once had a waiter at Applebee’s ask about my dessert: “Is it everything you dreamed it would be?” Could I really quantify such a thing?
Speaking of smart remarks, my friend mentioned this one:
“If you need anything, my name is Bob.”
“What’s your name if we don’t need anything?”
**Don’t worry, I wouldn’t do it.
Being the smart-ass I am, I probably would have smiled my biggest smile and said “All that, and more!!” and left her (him?) wondering if I were completely present, in a mental sense. . .but that’s just me.
I don’t think I have ever once had a server point out that an auto-gratuity had been added–which I find fairly despicable. Either they’re lazy, or more likely, they’re hoping you overtip.
It is also exceedingly rare for a server to tell you the prices of specials. Look jackass, everyone knows the specials are invariably more expensive, how about you just tell me? I don’t hear prices on specials more than 1 time in 6 without asking.
blink
I would have said something like, “Well, I was hoping it would bring peace to Central Asia, but I’ll settle for it bringing peace to my digestive tract.”
I guess this depends, again, on the level of restaurant. In most of the places I’ve cooked, “special” = “bargain”, which explains why so many retirees order “the special” without asking what it is. Of course, that gave me the evil idea that, if I had my own restaurant, I could make a killing by posting daily “specials” that are merely regular menu items marked up a dollar. Let’s hear it for taking advantage of the elderly! 
This idea is almost evil enough for me to endorse! It depends, though: are we talking about the kinds of seniors who smile, nod at you in public and randomly give you home-baked goods, or are we talking about the seniors who cross the street, at a slow crawl, and not at an intersection, brandishing their walkers in front of them like a deadly weapon? 
IME, in an upscale restaurant, “Special” means “Something we don’t normally feature on the menu, but we have it tonight, so expect to pay premium prices for it”, and at my neighborhood diner, “Special” means “We normally sell four pieces of fried chicken, with a side and a dinner roll for $7.50, but it’s on special tonight, so that price tag includes an extra side, and also a beverage and a cup of pudding”.
It’s all in the context!
Never worked on a restaurant, have you? It’s notoriously difficult to get sent home because you’re sick, and it’s even harder to actually call out sick. We don’t get sick days, so 99% of the time it’s up to you to find someone who’s nice enough to take your shift. Unless you can do that, or provide evidence that you’re REALLY sick (a simple cold, cough, or massive hangover won’t do, we’re talking at least flu-level) you’ll get docked a good shift, or fired.
Oooyeah, if Mexico is anything to go by. One evening in some semi-upscale restaurant in a midsize town, Mom & I decided to wait for the waiters to offer us the check rather than be asked for it. We got to about 5 minutes before the posted closing hour before one finally broke down and sidled over to ask if we were quite finished…
I almost always want the change because I don’t have the right combination of small bills to leave the exact amount of “cost plus proper tip”; if I don’t get change back I can either leave a too-small tip or an extravagantly generous one. Guess which you’ll get if I can’t get change.
Nah, I’m talking more about the retirees who eat nearly every meal out and who tend to go to the same restaurant day after day after day. They never look at the menu, they just sit down and tell the waitress, “I’ll have the special”, and they eat the special, whatever it happens to be.
The thing I’ve never figured out is seniors who always go to “all you can eat” buffets, apparently because it’s a “bargain”. Except the buffet price tends to be a bit more than a single meal at a regular sit-down restaurant that serves similar food, and for many of these seniors, “all you can eat” just isn’t that much.
Yup. In most of the places I’ve cooked, the “special” has just been a regular menu item with a buck or two knocked off the price.
Heh. When I used to read Dear Abby I’d periodically see letters from people complaining about coworkers who come to work sick. I assume those people have never had to call in sick themselves, because in my experience, when you call in sick the boss automatically assumes you’re lying, and even if he doesn’t come out and call you a liar, his tone of voice makes it pretty clear he thinks you’re feeding him a line of shit. “Are you sure? Well you know, this is gonna leave us short-handed … etc., etc.” I think a lot of people would rather just come in and tough it out than have to listen to that.
I wish more American restaurants were like this. Whenever a waitperson brings me a bill without my having asked for it, I feel like I’m being run out of the place. I avoid restaurants that I know do this, unless I’m really, really in the mood for a coney or gyro.
Oh, yeah, and not bringing the bill until requested is completely normal in Mexico, where restaurants make their money by selling food at prices that don’t require a 45 minute turnover to make a profit.