Oh yeah, this geek on TV, from some outfit called NAUSEA or something like that, not only said that my anus was a planet, but he also said it was a “gas giant”. Now I’ll be the first to admit our trailer gets a bit fragrant when the missus makes cabbage and beans with yogurt sauce, but that ain’t no reason to go talkin’ ‘bout my farts on TV. Fuck, if a man can’t lay one or two to take the pressure off once in a while, what’s the use of livin’?
Anyway, I got a better idea as long as the gummint is deciding which planets to place where and all.
See, I can never remember how to spell or pronounce those things around my ass that hurt and itch all the time.
I have to get Tyler, my kid, to read me what it says on the side of the Prep H tube before I can remember what they’re called. And how did the “a” and the “e” in haemorrhoids (or however the Hell you spell it) get stuck together like that? I thought maybe it was the ointment got on the box.
Anyhow as long as the astronomy folks is so powerful interested in my asshole to talk about it on TV, and as long as we’re into finding new names for stuff, how about this idea?
Let the astronomy geeks have the word “hemrrrrohodids” to use in astronomy. Chances are those Poindexters can figure out how to spell the word better than me. Now what we would do, see, is apply the name “heamohrroyeds” to that bunch of sickly looking rocks orbiting between Mars and Jupiter. We make up a story that they’re named after Hemos, the Greek God of broken rocks or olives or something. Those nerds would love it.
Now you see, that frees up the word “Assteroids” to use where it really can do the most good. To describe the things you get on your ass! What could be more perfect? I would never have any trouble remembering or pronouncing it or spelling it.
So stop worrying about Pluto and Xena (cartoon dogs and TV dykes — is that all you people have to worry about?) and let’s start the campaign to change the meaning of “assteroids”. Write to the gummint today! If we all pull together we can fix the hemmorrrrohoids problem once and for all!