# 12 reasons Why I Definitely f#cking Hate Church **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [April 19, 2015, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/12-reasons-why-i-definitely-f-cking-hate-church/718074 "2015-04-19T23:21:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Gatopescado](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gatopescado/32/5711_2.png) [@Gatopescado](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gatopescado)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2015, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/12-reasons-why-i-definitely-f-cking-hate-church/718074/41 "2015-04-20T17:21:46Z")
There is a thread around here somewhere with instructions on “How to Quit”. See you at the Post Office. ---
**Author:** ![Darth\_Panda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ee7513/32.png) [@Darth\_Panda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Darth_Panda)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2015, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/12-reasons-why-i-definitely-f-cking-hate-church/718074/42 "2015-04-20T18:08:18Z")
> [@andros](#): > > All of those words are English, and yet they make no sense together. That was autocorrect. It was suppsoed to say rapist. ---
**Author:** ![Cumberdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8c91f0/32.png) [@Cumberdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cumberdale)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2015, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/12-reasons-why-i-definitely-f-cking-hate-church/718074/43 "2015-04-20T18:27:45Z")
> [@Contemplation](#): > > I don’t have any problem staying awake. I’m the one that wakes up others, besides, " catholics are rapists and we will not support their behaviour" Hey! That is unfair. They’re child rapists and child rapist supporters/enablers. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2015, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/12-reasons-why-i-definitely-f-cking-hate-church/718074/44 "2015-04-20T18:29:20Z")
> [@Kinthalis](#): > > One weekend, I waited for him to get in the shower, got his rosary, cut the cord, and started removing beads, in the hopes that the prayer session would be shortened. > > He noticed. **St. Peter** : Hold up there, Kinthalis’ Dad. Looks like you did pretty good in Arena Earth, but you fell a bit short on the rosary prayers. Afraid we can’t let you in. Your case has been remanded to Satanic Services. We’re very sorry. I pretty much hated church, too. Not so much the HVAC because Mormons pretty much have that bit down. But I really hated the hypocrisy in both doctrines and behavior of the church members. Our ward president lived in a humongous house with his wife and 3 kids–fine, he was reaping the fruits of his labors, and who knows what sort of charity work he may have done on the side. But his job was in management at a local bank. Not deposits & withdrawals, but mortgage foreclosures. In short, the ward president was in charge of getting poor people to be homeless people. Sure, business, contract law, all that…but still pretty far removed from Jesus I thought. ---
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2015, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/12-reasons-why-i-definitely-f-cking-hate-church/718074/45 "2015-04-20T18:54:34Z")
Here’s how my sister handled that problem: She found a job and asked her manager to schedule her for every single Sunday possible. She never had to go to church again. She moved out and lived on her own on her 18th birthday, thanks to all those extra Sunday hours. (I believed she scoped out apartments and put a deposit on a place but could not legally sign the lease until she turned 18. The morning of her birthday, she went and signed the lease, paid the first month’s rent, and started loading up her car. My dad was scratching his head, “Where is she going?” “She’s moving out dad.” “She is?” “Yes, she’s been telling you for months that she’s moving out first thing after she turned 18. You didn’t believe her? She hasn’t changed her story once.”) ETA: I’m also a survivor of mormonism. I handled the problem (and the OP sounds suspiciously like mormon services, but I may be projecting) by trotting off to college a week after high school graduation. I got a summer school scholarship and boom, I dipped right outta there. Moved from my mormon parents’ house to my nonmormon mom’s house by spring break of my freshman year, so I too, did not look back after I turned 18. ---
**Author:** ![Kinthalis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kinthalis/32/16084_2.png) [@Kinthalis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kinthalis)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2015, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/12-reasons-why-i-definitely-f-cking-hate-church/718074/46 "2015-04-20T19:03:44Z")
> [@The Great Sun Jester](#): > > **St. Peter** : Hold up there, Kinthalis’ Dad. Looks like you did pretty good in Arena Earth, but you fell a bit short on the rosary prayers. Afraid we can’t let you in. Your case has been remanded to Satanic Services. We’re very sorry. Hmmm, what if my godlessness and deviousness DID 'cause him not to get into Catholic Heaven? You’re welcome dad! Miss you! ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2015, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/12-reasons-why-i-definitely-f-cking-hate-church/718074/47 "2015-04-20T19:22:58Z")
Volunteer to do something during the services that requires you to be there half an hour before and half an hour after services, and make your mom get out the door early and sit on her heels for an extra hour when she doesn’t want to be there. ---
**Author:** ![Drunky\_Smurf](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drunky_smurf/32/449_2.png) [@Drunky\_Smurf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drunky_Smurf)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2015, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/12-reasons-why-i-definitely-f-cking-hate-church/718074/48 "2015-04-20T19:23:22Z")
> [@Contemplation](#): > > 1. Wasting hours of my mortal life every sunday morning. Go on Wednesdays. > [@](#): > > 1. Getting less sleep when I could have slept in. Go to bed earlier. > [@](#): > > **3.** Growing up as a kid I use to sit in the middle between my mom and my older brother. Every sunday, It was my duty to keep them awake during the long boring sermons. > > I would constantly tap their shoulders to wake them up, and my brother would get really annoyed for me waking him up and he often claimed he was “praying” even though I could hear him snoring. My mom often told me to tap my brother’s shoulder to wake him up. Once she even scolded me for not waking her up in church. Ever single damn sunday I was the waker upper. Your mom sounds like a bitch. > [@](#): > > 1. The people are not actually friendly, they just wan’t to hold you up and waste your time after church. Rarely even greeted before the service starts. Find a new church where people are nice. > [@](#): > > 1. No where in the New Testament does it say one MUST go to church every sunday. Ok. > [@](#): > > 1. Growing up, I was often the only one ready on time before church started. Since I was a kid, I couldn’t drive my self, so I was late along with my mother and brother. Late every damn sunday. Wow, what a bitch. > [@](#): > > 1. Had no choice to refuse going to church. Super bitch. > [@](#): > > 1. Every summer I come home from college to live with parents for obvious financial reasons, and when i come home. I’m required to go to church every sunday with them. Super duper bitch. > [@](#): > > 1. Its always hot and stuffy in church. Find a church with air-conditioning. > [@](#): > > 1. The holy spirit makes me light headed and dizzy. I often have to grab the pew and hold my self up so I wont blackout as my vision fades to yellow. Sounds like you have crabs. You should see a doctor. > [@](#): > > 1. Extremely boring. Read the Old Testament where all the fun and neat stuff happens. > [@](#): > > 1. Even more boring. Did you read the parts with the rape and incest? ---
**Author:** ![SmellMyWort](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea5d25/32.png) [@SmellMyWort](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmellMyWort)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2015, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/12-reasons-why-i-definitely-f-cking-hate-church/718074/49 "2015-04-20T19:27:20Z")
> [@Kinthalis](#): > > …cut the cord… Great advice for the OP! ---
**Author:** ![Bridget\_Burke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7cd45c/32.png) [@Bridget\_Burke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bridget_Burke)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2015, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/12-reasons-why-i-definitely-f-cking-hate-church/718074/50 "2015-04-20T19:28:49Z")
> [@Dogzilla](#): > > Here’s how my sister handled that problem: She found a job and asked her manager to schedule her for every single Sunday possible. She never had to go to church again. She moved out and lived on her own on her 18th birthday, thanks to all those extra Sunday hours… The OP is living with his parents during the summer for “obvious financial reasons.” Perhaps he should consider how many hours per week he’d have to work to pay his summer room & board. The job will probably _not_ be “interesting.” Then he can weigh the hours spent at a boring job versus the hours spent at a boring church service & make the decision. Of course, if they are underwriting any of his college expenses, it gets more complicated. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2015, 7:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/12-reasons-why-i-definitely-f-cking-hate-church/718074/51 "2015-04-20T19:38:46Z")
Maybe the OP can hide a good book inside the Good Book. ---
**Author:** ![Yllaria](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yllaria/32/3452_2.png) [@Yllaria](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Yllaria)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2015, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/12-reasons-why-i-definitely-f-cking-hate-church/718074/52 "2015-04-20T20:06:36Z")
> [@Tamex](#): > > If church is so boring that everyone is sleeping through it, why does the rest of your family feel compelled to go? . . . . Go to church = go to heaven. And/or go to church = be one of us. Being bored has probably become part of the sacrifice. It’s not a nuanced theology. > [@Ethilrist](#): > > Volunteer to do something during the services that requires you to be there half an hour before and half an hour after services, and make your mom get out the door early and sit on her heels for an extra hour when she doesn’t want to be there. Devious. This has possibilities. Does your church have a child care room or sunday school classes that you could help out with? ---
**Author:** ![Revtim](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/revtim/32/1042_2.png) [@Revtim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revtim)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2015, 8:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/12-reasons-why-i-definitely-f-cking-hate-church/718074/53 "2015-04-20T20:55:05Z")
> [@Voyager](#): > > Maybe the OP can hide a good book inside the Good Book. Or a smart phone. ---
**Author:** ![xizor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/xizor/32/102_2.png) [@xizor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/xizor)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2015, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/12-reasons-why-i-definitely-f-cking-hate-church/718074/54 "2015-04-20T21:54:30Z")
> [@Contemplation](#): > > 1. The holy spirit makes me light headed and dizzy. I often have to grab the pew and hold my self up so I wont blackout as my vision fades to yellow. That is not the holy spirit, that is you standing with your knees locked. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2015, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/12-reasons-why-i-definitely-f-cking-hate-church/718074/55 "2015-04-20T23:06:33Z")
> [@Revtim](#): > > Or a smart phone. Serious question. I don’t do church, but I do bars, cafes, etc where most people occasional or constantly check their phone. So, do people in church seriptitiously check their messages/email/Facebook/Untapped? ---
**Author:** ![lel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8797f3/32.png) [@lel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lel)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2015, 3:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/12-reasons-why-i-definitely-f-cking-hate-church/718074/56 "2015-04-21T03:20:54Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Serious question. I don’t do church, but I do bars, cafes, etc where most people occasional or constantly check their phone. So, do people in church seriptitiously check their messages/email/Facebook/Untapped? Not that I’ve graced the inside of a church in the smartphone era, but for Christians I’d imagine it would be quite easy under the guise of looking up a verse in your Bible app. ---
**Author:** ![ISiddiqui](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/97f17d/32.png) [@ISiddiqui](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ISiddiqui)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2015, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/12-reasons-why-i-definitely-f-cking-hate-church/718074/57 "2015-04-21T03:30:23Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Serious question. I don’t do church, but I do bars, cafes, etc where most people occasional or constantly check their phone. So, do people in church seriptitiously check their messages/email/Facebook/Untapped? Depends on the church. In evangelical churches with a lot of youth, maybe - every once in a while (if you do it too much someone will notice - I mean its different than a bar or cafe in that you are supposed to pay attention while there, like being in class in school). In mainline Protestant churches, there would be no way to get away with checking your phone as there still tend to be hymnbooks and printed Bible readings, so no reason why you would need your phone out. ---
**Author:** ![Sitnam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Sitnam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sitnam)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2015, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/12-reasons-why-i-definitely-f-cking-hate-church/718074/58 "2015-04-21T04:13:04Z")
As an Atheist its a strange situation having self professed Christian friends who don’t try to habitually save me. Either they don’t care I will burn in hell fire, or don’t really buy the schtick. There I no middle road. ---
**Author:** ![Budget\_Player\_Cadet](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/budget_player_cadet/32/205_2.png) [@Budget\_Player\_Cadet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Budget_Player_Cadet)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2015, 10:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/12-reasons-why-i-definitely-f-cking-hate-church/718074/59 "2015-04-21T10:33:41Z")
If they’re forcing you to go, _go_. And ask lots of difficult questions. Preacher preaching about morality? Bring up the Euthyprho Dilemma. Act like you just stumbled upon these things, and that they’re bothering you and hurting your faith. Don’t _disturb_ the lectures, but ask. Sooner or later, they’ll stop making you come. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [April 21, 2015, 12:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/12-reasons-why-i-definitely-f-cking-hate-church/718074/60 "2015-04-21T12:20:18Z")
> [@Budget\_Player\_Cadet](#): > > If they’re forcing you to go, _go_. And ask lots of difficult questions. Preacher preaching about morality? Bring up the Euthyprho Dilemma. Act like you just stumbled upon these things, and that they’re bothering you and hurting your faith. Don’t _disturb_ the lectures, but ask. Sooner or later, they’ll stop making you come. Yeah, how’d that work out for Jesus? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/12-reasons-why-i-definitely-f-cking-hate-church/718074.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/12-reasons-why-i-definitely-f-cking-hate-church/718074.md?page=4)