# 14 year old "comes out"? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 4, 2014, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-comes-out/690055 "2014-06-04T20:10:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![papergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/aca169/32.png) [@papergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/papergirl)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2014, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-comes-out/690055/21 "2014-06-04T22:32:01Z")
I think Roderick is right on about keeping the conversation going, too. Regardless of sexuality, kids need to figure out how to be whatever they are in the world, and they need some guidance to do so. Especially now, because sexuality is so much more accessible as a topic, kids TALK. It’s not just “I’m gay”, at least at my house. We have had long involved discussions about gender identity, various sexual and gender issues, all configurations of trans that we can think of, the usage of personal pronouns in reference to various identities, etc. I have two very smart teenagers and these discussions are enlightening, touching, and wearying at the same time. It would be so easy to not talk about it…but if they don’t talk to me, who will they talk to? ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2014, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-comes-out/690055/22 "2014-06-04T22:38:49Z")
I ‘knew’ when I was 5 that I was gay. I didn’t really find out what that meant until my early teens. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2014, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-comes-out/690055/23 "2014-06-04T22:52:01Z")
> [@papergirl](#): > > My daughter told me at about 11 years old that she was bisexual. She is now 13 and has come out to our entire family and her school that she is in fact a lesbian. > It’s tough for her sometimes. She’s a sweet, loving kid and just wants to be open and accepted. Of course that is not always the case in society and in her school, so she is having to learn some coping skills. She attends therapy and we’ve just found a really great support group for trans kids that she attends once a week. It’s be so good for her to have a peer group where she can talk and feel safe. > The saddest thing I’ve heard was when she recently said, “I just wish I could talk about my crushes to my friends the way they talk about boys. But when I do, they offer to set me up with a cute boy.” God willing, of course, that will be as bad as it gets. > I’ve got a thread or two about my brave girl, if you want to look them up. My daughter is a fourteen year old lesbian. Although I suspect she’ll end up bi and is going through her political lesbian phase. Simply because I remember being about that age and feeling similarly, and I ended up married to a man - and I have a lot of girlfriends who had a similar experience (and most of them ended up not being lesbians). And she isn’t setting off my gaydar. And her crushes are as likely to be male as female (I don’t think she’s terribly sexual yet - her switch hasn’t flipped). For girls, I think this fluidity is a lot more common that it is for boys. If I had a fourteen year old boy who said he was gay, I wouldn’t ever think that I’d be welcoming a daughter in law into the family from him. With her, I don’t think anything is written in stone. ---
**Author:** ![papergirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/aca169/32.png) [@papergirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/papergirl)\ **Post date:** [June 4, 2014, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-comes-out/690055/24 "2014-06-04T23:11:00Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > My daughter is a fourteen year old lesbian. Although I suspect she’ll end up bi and is going through her political lesbian phase. Simply because I remember being about that age and feeling similarly, and I ended up married to a man - and I have a lot of girlfriends who had a similar experience (and most of them ended up not being lesbians). And she isn’t setting off my gaydar. And her crushes are as likely to be male as female (I don’t think she’s terribly sexual yet - her switch hasn’t flipped). > > For girls, I think this fluidity is a lot more common that it is for boys. If I had a fourteen year old boy who said he was gay, I wouldn’t ever think that I’d be welcoming a daughter in law into the family from him. With her, I don’t think anything is written in stone. Yes, I recognize that phase. 🙂 I’m glad kids seem so much more comfortable exploring various aspects of sexuality, and who can say where any of them will be eventually. My daughter definitely seems to have crushes on girls, but she isn’t very sexual yet either. I feel too as though nothing is written in stone but I have to be really careful to not imply to her that I think this is just a phase or that she will grow out of it. I just remind her that sexuality is likely to vary and that’s okay too. My son (now 24) identified as bi for 2 years in high school. Then he began dating the most gorgeous, feminine girl imaginable, and seems to identify as straight ever since. But he too is very accepting of his sexuality and nothing would surprise me at this point. ---
**Author:** ![Beelzebubba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Beelzebubba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beelzebubba)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-comes-out/690055/25 "2014-06-05T00:26:14Z")
I knew I was gay when I was in 1st grade. I didn’t “come out” until I was 20, but I knew long before… ---
**Author:** ![Fubaya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c2a13f/32.png) [@Fubaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fubaya)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-comes-out/690055/26 "2014-06-05T00:55:21Z")
I’m straight but I’m pretty sure I was wearing out the bra section of the Sears catalog by 14 and before that were a few years of noticing the girls and my heart skipping a beat if I was lucky enough to hold hands with one. Huh, the more things change, the more they stay the same I guess. I’ll be at [sears.com](http://sears.com) if anyone needs me. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-comes-out/690055/27 "2014-06-05T01:21:57Z")
I’ve always liked girls and no one questioned me or put scare quotes around being straight when I was in junior high. In fact, I had my first girlfriend in kindergarten. We kissed during recess once. If I could tell at 6, why wouldn’t someone who is gay? ---
**Author:** ![urban1a](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/e47c2d/32.png) [@urban1a](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/urban1a)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-comes-out/690055/28 "2014-06-05T02:06:06Z")
This echoes some of the above, but I knew that I preferred males (boys, then) about age 8 or 9. I wasn’t exactly sure what I would do with them but I sure looked as much as I could when we were all naked. The next thing I knew was that I wasn’t the least bit interested in females. Bob ---
**Author:** ![joyfool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/df788c/32.png) [@joyfool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/joyfool)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-comes-out/690055/29 "2014-06-05T03:13:28Z")
As a girl, I knew I liked boys by first grade, so I’m another who has no doubt that a young person could know they’re gay by 14. And to all the families out there who are doing right by your kids and relatives as they go through this process, bless you. I think the support you give them is truly amazing. ---
**Author:** ![panache45](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/panache45/32/64_2.png) [@panache45](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panache45)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-comes-out/690055/30 "2014-06-05T04:16:06Z")
> [@appleciders](#): > > Every gay person that I’ve ever asked has responded to me with some variant of “At some level, I think I always knew.” Not all of them were sure until they were in their teens, but I’ve never spoken to a gay person about this subject who didn’t have at least doubts about their sexuality when they were kids. I’ve known people who didn’t have a clue until their 50s . . . or one guy in his 60s. Lots of gay grandparents out there. ---
**Author:** ![actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e79b87/32.png) [@actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/actualliberalnotoneofthose)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 6:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-comes-out/690055/31 "2014-06-05T06:22:53Z")
I knew I was straight when I was 4 or 5. I also knew my cousin was gay (I don’t know if he knew) around the same age. ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 6:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-comes-out/690055/32 "2014-06-05T06:30:10Z")
At 14 I didn’t know for sure (I was still attracted to both genders pretty equally), but definitely by 16 I did. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 7:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-comes-out/690055/33 "2014-06-05T07:48:59Z")
> [@Dangerosa](#): > > For girls, I think this fluidity is a lot more common that it is for boys. If I had a fourteen year old boy who said he was gay, I wouldn’t ever think that I’d be welcoming a daughter in law into the family from him. With her, I don’t think anything is written in stone. For some reason, the ‘sexuality is fluid’ issue is a concept I just can’t seem to wrap my mind around. Since I’ve known I was gay for as long as I can remember, the idea that I might find myself interested in women seems like it would shake my self image at a deep level. ---
**Author:** ![drewtwo99](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d07c76/32.png) [@drewtwo99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewtwo99)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 7:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-comes-out/690055/34 "2014-06-05T07:58:17Z")
I was very sexually fluid when I was going through pubescence. It’s not that weird at all. Some people are set in stone, and others aren’t. For guys, they tend to mostly be set in stone. For women, maybe a little less so (but I really don’t know for sure, it could be just a stereotype) ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 8:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-comes-out/690055/35 "2014-06-05T08:00:44Z")
> [@drewtwo99](#): > > I was very sexually fluid when I was going through pubescence. It’s not that weird at all. Some people are set in stone, and others aren’t. For guys, they tend to mostly be set in stone. For women, maybe a little less so (but I really don’t know for sure, it could be just a stereotype) I get that it happens, I just don’t understand it. Probably because I’ve never gone through it. I’m thinking it may be because I’ve always known I was gay, so it’s just who I am. A change of that level would feel really, really strange. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 12:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-comes-out/690055/36 "2014-06-05T12:58:27Z")
I’m a guy and was always attracted to girls through grade school, then at age 13 or 14 I had the opportunity to experiment and thought “Um… no. Not for me.” Still not sure whether I “always knew” or “decided.” ---
**Author:** ![Chronos](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chronos/32/134_2.png) [@Chronos](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chronos)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 1:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-comes-out/690055/37 "2014-06-05T13:08:30Z")
I don’t know exactly when I realized my sexuality (hetero), but it would have been somewhere between 4th grade (when I thought one of my friends was crazy for his girl-chasing) and 6th (when I had a crush on one of my classmates). For those not familiar with American grade numbering, that puts me somewhere between 9 and 11 when it happened. I’d expect that almost all people have a developed sexuality by age 14. ---
**Author:** ![Rodgers01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b19c9b/32.png) [@Rodgers01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rodgers01)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 1:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-comes-out/690055/38 "2014-06-05T13:12:00Z")
Yeah, I think most 14-year old boys are pretty well aware of what turns them on. Really what strikes me as more mysterious is when I hear about people who didn’t realize their true orientation till much later than that. ---
**Author:** ![Casey1505](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/dc4da7/32.png) [@Casey1505](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Casey1505)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 1:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-comes-out/690055/39 "2014-06-05T13:33:13Z")
Thanks, everyone, for responses. ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [June 5, 2014, 1:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-comes-out/690055/40 "2014-06-05T13:52:58Z")
I had a childhood friend who came out in his middle forties. He claimed he just discovered who he really was but I distinctly rememeber him trying to initiate sexual experimentation with myself and his other male friends at about 13 years old. He married a woman and actively dated al through high school. He is still married and his wife agreed to let him go out and play as he felt he needed to. I would say he is bi. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-comes-out/690055.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-comes-out/690055.md?page=3)