# 14 year old daughter \[boyfriend advice\] **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 23, 2011, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-daughter-boyfriend-advice/586572 "2011-06-23T16:28:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Dallas\_Jones](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dallas_jones/32/3277_2.png) [@Dallas\_Jones](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dallas_Jones)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2011, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-daughter-boyfriend-advice/586572/41 "2011-06-23T19:30:45Z")
> [@YogSosoth](#): > > Sex is normal. Give her a condom and tell her not to get pregnant or a disease Either that or take a look in the mirror and say, “Hi Grandma!” ---
**Author:** ![SeamusMcCool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@SeamusMcCool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SeamusMcCool)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2011, 7:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-daughter-boyfriend-advice/586572/42 "2011-06-23T19:55:55Z")
> [@Anne\_Neville](#): > > Masturbating and talking about masturbating can’t get you pregnant, and can’t make you get a sexually transmitted disease. There are other, related, activities that can, of course. If she’s got a boyfriend who she’s thinking of discussing masturbation with, you should have “the talk” with her, if you haven’t already. You’re running out of time. > > It also wouldn’t hurt to have a talk with her about what to do if someone says something to her that makes her uncomfortable (online or in real life). You want her to be willing to come to you if this guy does turn out to be a 40-year-old ephebophile. Do you think she’s likely to do that if the consequence of telling you what happened is that she’ll lose her internet privileges? I wouldn’t have talked to my mother about something like this at that age, because she would probably have freaked out and punished me for it. Fortunately, it never came up, for us. Don’t make her feel like she’ll be punished if she talks to you about something like that, or she’ll get around that by not talking to you about those kind of things. Very good advice. ---
**Author:** ![SeamusMcCool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@SeamusMcCool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SeamusMcCool)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2011, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-daughter-boyfriend-advice/586572/43 "2011-06-23T19:58:48Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > “Should you be embarrassed to tell your boyfriend you masturbate?” is a curiously prolix question to be asking Google. Most searches are more like “britney spears nude” or “tot mom nude” or “estelle getty nude,” or whatever you people have in _your_ history. I agree. It could be nothing, but it also seems a little suspicious like he’s asking her questions she’s not sure or comfortable with and going online for help with her feelings on the subject. Not surprising she doesn’t want to talk to mom about it, either way. ---
**Author:** ![SeamusMcCool](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@SeamusMcCool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SeamusMcCool)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2011, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-daughter-boyfriend-advice/586572/44 "2011-06-23T20:01:16Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > As someone who was 14 12 years ago, this remark is full of utter shit. In the online gaming community, at least. I know more about my wow guildmate’s sexual proclivities than I know about their real lives. > > They are already having cybersex. We’re not Kansas or the '50s anymore, Charlie Brown. It’s not about the '50s or Kansas, it’s about some (many actually in my experience) people still have class. Something, based on your rude response to me, you are lacking in. ---
**Author:** ![filmore](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/7993a0/32.png) [@filmore](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/filmore)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2011, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-daughter-boyfriend-advice/586572/45 "2011-06-23T20:27:55Z")
Also talk with her about how anything she sends to him will likely be shared with his friends. If they break up, he may even share it with her friends. Ahh… life in the digital age. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2011, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-daughter-boyfriend-advice/586572/46 "2011-06-23T20:30:44Z")
> [@SeamusMcCool](#): > > It’s not about the '50s or Kansas, it’s about some (many actually in my experience) people still have class. Something, based on your rude response to me, you are lacking in. You aren’t living in the real world. What you call “class” young people today call “repression.” ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2011, 8:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-daughter-boyfriend-advice/586572/47 "2011-06-23T20:34:32Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > You aren’t living in the real world. What you call “class” young people today call “repression.” [Moderator Note]The crap talk between the two of you in this thread will stop now.[/Moderator Note] ---
**Author:** ![Beniamino](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bcef8e/32.png) [@Beniamino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beniamino)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2011, 8:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-daughter-boyfriend-advice/586572/48 "2011-06-23T20:46:15Z")
> [@julia8558](#): > > My daughter has had this ongoing, seemingly innocent relationship with a boy she met on Xbox 360 live. I have talked to him myself and seen pictures of him and he is 15 years old and sounds polite etc. etc. > I havent fought the relationship but have set boundaries on what they can talk about. It seems when I fight something, she only wants to do it more so I have down played it and allowed it. > I checked where she was googleing last night and she was looking into things like “should you be embarrassed to tell your boyfriend you masturbate?” > > I am soooo freaked out right now. I know masturbation happens at this age but talking to your boyfriend about it?, Oh my God!!! > > Any ideas on how to approach this other than taking away all communication methods she has? > > HELP > > Julia I’ll offer a counterpoint to the “sex-is-normal-for-14-year-olds” view. What do you think will happen when she starts talking to her “boyfriend” about masturbation? Very likely, they’ll start getting each other all hot and bothered, and maybe “cyber” or do “phone sex”. Is this a healthy relationship? Is this mature sexuality? Is this what you want your daughter to see as the “normal relationship” between boys and girls her age? How will this experience define her when she gets older? Perhaps you might want to sit down with her and discuss what “sex” is to you. Is it something that you reserve for the highest expression of intimacy between married persons, who give of each other selflessly, rather than a selfish act of “taking”, or an “outlet”? Is it recreation? Maybe you don’t think that sex is necessarily reserved for married persons, but even so, knowing what you know about teenage boys, do you think she’s mature, or ready, for distinguishing between sexual expression as an act of love, and use of another without regard to that individual’s humanity? ---
**Author:** ![Enderw24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@Enderw24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enderw24)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2011, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-daughter-boyfriend-advice/586572/49 "2011-06-23T20:47:15Z")
In Dorothy’s time, I believe it was called “spanking the flying monkey” or “flicking the Toto” ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2011, 8:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-daughter-boyfriend-advice/586572/50 "2011-06-23T20:51:43Z")
> [@rachelellogram](#): > > As someone who was 14 12 years ago, this remark is full of utter shit. In the online gaming community, at least. I know more about my wow guildmate’s sexual proclivities than I know about their real lives.. That doesn’t mean they’re what **Seamus** would consider gentlemen. ---
**Author:** ![Markxxx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@Markxxx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Markxxx)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2011, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-daughter-boyfriend-advice/586572/51 "2011-06-23T21:09:33Z")
The kid is normal. The mother is freaking guess what? That’s normal too. But you need to have the sex talk. Your daughter will be embarrassed and the mother will be embarrassed and you know what? That’s normal. Sex is one thing you aren’t going to be able to control really. But you can affect the outcome of it. First of all you want to prevent, STDS, prevent pregnancy and establish self esteem. Information on how not to get AIDS or an STD won’t hurt her. NOT knowing will. Preventing a pregnancy is 100% better than dealing with it after it’s happened. I would drop the spying, you need trust. If you show your kid you respect her and her choices, when it comes to sex, she’ll TALK TO YOU about it and not Google it. This is what you want, right? Years ago, I was involved with a big brother program and the kid put his picture on a site called “Bareback Real Time.” I asked him what the heck he was thinking? He replied, “I know my father snoops, if he’s gonna look I’ll give him something to look at.” OK this is a huge problem. Not because daddy’s snoooping, but because the kid is failing to realize that a picture of him on a bareback website, can have long term, unintended consequences. Look at ex Congressman Anthony Weiner. Cyber sex is safe and fine. But an exchange in photos, can come back to hit you in the butt. Little by little you give up control of your children to the world. Now this is just another part you’re gonna have to give up. Sex talk is embarrassing, for both the child and adult, but as Betty White says “Get over it.” You have to. I’m sure you didn’t like changing diapers, but you did it anyway and after awhile you got used to it. So plan to sit down and talk to your daughter about it. Encourage her to come to you. Don’t make her feel like she can’t look for things. You’ll only drive her curiosity underground. And you can Google things TOGETHER. If you don’t know look it up together. There is nothing abnormal at all about the OP’s post. It’s just the follow up must be done now. It’ll be a bit embarrassing but I guarantee you, you’ll live 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2011, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-daughter-boyfriend-advice/586572/52 "2011-06-23T21:15:21Z")
As the father of a (then) teenage girl who went through the Internet BF drama some years ago, there is (IMO) a real risk, but the risk is not necessarily physical, but mental and behavioral with respect to attitudes and self worth/self respect. It’s very difficult for parents to keep track of what goes in these relationships. In more than a few cases, especially with introverted or shy girls, the girl gets so wound into this online relationship it becomes their world. As part of this interaction young girls are very easily convinced (and some need no convincing) to participate in swapping sexual pics or even webcam videos of themselves so that the boy will like them more. This is just at that age where girls are discovering their sexual power, and some find they really enjoy being objects of attention and desire. On its face this is not that huge a deal, but what I found was that by letting these online relationships flourish in their early to mid teens it significantly diminished the incentive for the kid to to get out of the house and socialize with their peers. This can lead to some fairly skewed priorities and self worth issues. Plus you have the whole “show my T&A and I get attention” stripper dynamic which some girls find very attractive. If I had it to do over again I would put more severe limits on the extent of her online relationships or monitor the relationship more closely. ---
**Author:** ![Push\_You\_Down](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/push_you_down/32/9095_2.png) [@Push\_You\_Down](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Push_You_Down)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2011, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-daughter-boyfriend-advice/586572/53 "2011-06-23T21:27:39Z")
…wait… was wedging ever defined? Did I miss it? ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2011, 9:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-daughter-boyfriend-advice/586572/54 "2011-06-23T21:51:51Z")
Urban Dictionary has a definition that’s probably more relevant than Merriam Webster. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2011, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-daughter-boyfriend-advice/586572/55 "2011-06-23T22:12:33Z")
> [@astro](#): > > As the father of a (then) teenage girl who went through the Internet BF drama some years ago, there is (IMO) a real risk, but the risk is not necessarily physical, but mental and behavioral with respect to attitudes and self worth/self respect. It’s very difficult for parents to keep track of what goes in these relationships. > > In more than a few cases, especially with introverted or shy girls, the girl gets so wound into this online relationship it becomes their world. As part of this interaction young girls are very easily convinced (and some need no convincing) to participate in swapping sexual pics or even webcam videos of themselves so that the boy will like them more. This is just at that age where girls are discovering their sexual power, and some find they really enjoy being objects of attention and desire. > > On its face this is not that huge a deal, but what I found was that by letting these online relationships flourish in their early to mid teens it significantly diminished the incentive for the kid to to get out of the house and socialize with their peers. This can lead to some fairly skewed priorities and self worth issues. Plus you have the whole “show my T&A and I get attention” stripper dynamic which some girls find very attractive. > > If I had it to do over again I would put more severe limits on the extent of her online relationships or monitor the relationship more closely. I’m quoting \*\*astro \*\*to emphasize what he wrote. I see this behavior over and over again in the girls in my kids’ circles. I again strongly suggest you keep the computer in a common area. And get that birth control thing going, before you think it might be needed. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [June 23, 2011, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-daughter-boyfriend-advice/586572/56 "2011-06-23T23:44:44Z")
> [@Ca3799](#): > > For my teens, electronic communication rules include “no wedging, no porn, no pictures”. Very sensible, but I would also add no cracker-whipping, no frontal chili-chirping, and absolutely no speckled quagmires. But then, I’m pretty old-fashioned. mmm ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2011, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-daughter-boyfriend-advice/586572/57 "2011-06-24T00:04:44Z")
That’s what wedging is!?!?! I’ve been doing that my whole life. ---
**Author:** ![Cyberhwk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7993a0/32.png) [@Cyberhwk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cyberhwk)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2011, 3:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-daughter-boyfriend-advice/586572/58 "2011-06-24T03:35:44Z")
[QUOTE=Urban Dictionary] Commonly used by 13 year olds or ptots that like to say they get high by “wedging” [/QUOTE] Thirteen year olds are stupid. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2011, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-daughter-boyfriend-advice/586572/59 "2011-06-24T03:46:30Z")
> [@filmore](#): > > Does she have access to any webcams? Tablets with build-in cameras? If she does, tell her any cam viewing/broadcasting must be done with you around. It’s one thing to talk about intimate details. It’s another to broadcast video of those details. > > Plus, you have no idea if he really is 15-years-old. How long would it take some pervert to find a picture of a 15-year-old on the web and send it to your daughter saying it’s him. OMG this is so true. This shit set off alarm bells the second I started reading it. Sounds like a sticky-palmed 40yr-old on the computer in his mother’s basement. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [June 24, 2011, 3:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-daughter-boyfriend-advice/586572/60 "2011-06-24T03:51:51Z")
Weird. I used to wedge because I was getting high, I guess. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-daughter-boyfriend-advice/586572.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/14-year-old-daughter-boyfriend-advice/586572.md?page=4)