# 25 and never been in a relationship **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 12, 2009, 8:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/25-and-never-been-in-a-relationship/492824 "2009-04-12T08:49:02Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 7
**Author:** ![ejtx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b77776/32.png) [@ejtx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ejtx)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2009, 6:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/25-and-never-been-in-a-relationship/492824/121 "2009-04-14T06:55:25Z")
> [@Reply](#): > > Hey, disclaimer first: I don’t know what I’m talking about, so consider the following more “idle conversation” than “advice”. > > That dichotomy is interesting. What do _you_ consider a “deep emotional level”? What is it that you’re not quite getting from your relationships that you feel should be there? > > Would you be ok with a relationship resembling the friendship you mistakenly thought was deep if the other party reciprocated and did in fact agree it was deep enough? If so, maybe you’re just more independent, less emotional, or both and it’s just a matter of finding a woman who’s equally unneedy – or perhaps so needy that she’ll draw out emotions from you where you thought you had none. > > If not… if you’re actually feeling things inside that outwardly you’re not expressing, causing you to _seem_ like a rock when you’re not one inside… heh, I gotta say you just sound like the strong, silent type that girls would kill to “break through” to. > > Maybe you could even use that as a way to move the relationship forward. “Man, sometimes I wonder what it’d be like to feel more intensely…” and see what she says? Sounds cheesy, I know, but… lol… well… maybe not such a good idea after all. Well, hell, I don’t really know how to define a “deep emotional level.” I just know that I have lots of drinking buddies and I get along great with people at work, but I don’t have anyone I’d ask to be best man at my wedding, you know? If someone is throwing a party or people are going out the the bars I’ll probably get invited, but I’ll be the one going home alone every time. I guess people see me as this really calm, rational, quiet dude, and for the most part I am. It’s just that when I try to express some kind of emotion it never comes out right. At work, some guys go to the back room and yell and cuss or they have really animated conversations with other people, but when I try to do the same thing I start seeing looks like this: :dubious: After a while things just get old. I’m tired of hanging out with a new group of people every two years. Every time I meet a girl it gets screwed up somehow. Now I’m at that age where I see people getting married and settling down and they talk to their friends about the crazy times they had and how they are bros for life or whatever and I just think to myself, “I don’t have any of that.” And then my stupid parents keep asking if I’ve found a girlfriend yet and my mom said something about grandkids a while back that really got under my skin. They say things like, “you don’t have a girlfriend? Why not?” They just ask “why not?” as if it is as easy a picking up a loaf of bread from the store or something. I have stopped talking to them as much because their badgering is really not helping the situation. They aren’t the easiest people to talk to either. It seems like every time I talk to someone in my family they always want to know about my love life (or lack thereof) and I have to tell them that, no, nothing has changed. So I don’t even like talking to my family any more because I have nothing to report and it seems like they always want me to tell them different but I never can. Reading back over some of this stuff, I can see how some things look like they might conflict or don’t make sense. Honestly, I’m trying to be as transparent here as I can. I don’t have any reason to lie to a bunch of people on the internet who don’t know who I am. ---
**Author:** ![Argent\_Towers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e8c25b/32.png) [@Argent\_Towers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Argent_Towers)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2009, 7:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/25-and-never-been-in-a-relationship/492824/122 "2009-04-14T07:10:10Z")
The “strong silent type” is hard to pull off. If a guy doesn’t _look_ the part of the strongman then he just comes off as the “silent” type, and nobody likes that. Girls are more attracted to the “strong” part of the “strong silent type” than the “silent” part. You should talk a lot. Just don’t be overbearing. Watch _Pretty In Pink._ Take note of the “Ducky” character. **You do not want to be like that.** Also take note of Andrew McCarthy’s character. **You do not want to be like that.** Then pay close attention to James Spader’s character…wait, **you do not want to be like that.** OK, forget that approach. Watch any movie with [John David Carson](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_David_Carson) in it. Basically you want to be like that. Here, go to 2:25 in [this clip](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6PxYdWbFIY) from “Murder, She Wrote.” You want to aim for that kind of conversational tone. ---
**Author:** ![Reply](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/reply/32/15952_2.png) [@Reply](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reply)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2009, 7:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/25-and-never-been-in-a-relationship/492824/123 "2009-04-14T07:36:17Z")
Man, I’m going to have to agree with some of the others here. You do sound rather depressed. What are you passionate about? What _really_ gets you going? Anything? What do you do for work, school, or fun? If there’s nothing, maybe it’s time to start looking. Calm, rational and quiet isn’t going to get you anywhere when it comes to relating with other people. Honestly, it isn’t. You can’t reason your way into emotional bonds. In fact, your emotions sound completely foreign to you, like you’ve walled them off or not let them be felt enough or something. Yeah, this is the “get in touch with your emotions” speech. Sorry to get all Freudian on your ass, but did you not have many chances to connect with people as a kid? Were your parents distant? Did something traumatizing happen? I’d go so far as to suggest you start hating yourself, if that’s what it takes, if only so you can get your blood boiling enough to really, _really_ want to change – from an inner, burning desire, not from an out-of-body, purely analytical “logic dictates I probably should” kinda way – and _then_ maybe you can start seeking out some of life’s thrills. If there’s one thing worse than feeling bad it’s feeling nothing at all; that emotional numbness is a wasteland that neither you nor anyone around you wants to be in. The “be yourself” bullshit only works if the real you is a cool guy hindered by surface nervousness, not if you’re a total bore underneath. On the other hand, this doesn’t have to be a “game” or a mere act either. Instead of pretending to be someone else and tricking dumb girls into bed (which doesn’t seem to be your goal anyway), you can change from within; eventually, the resulting emotions, demeanor, and confidence that you project will be the real deal. It’s the harder road, but it may well pay off in the end if you survive it. In the meantime… man, _live a little_. Your posts sound robotic. The good news is that you _do_ get invited to parties, and you _do_ have drinking buddies, and you _do_ get asked out – so clearly there’s a part of you that’s alive and animated enough that people don’t completely write you off. That’s more than a good start. That’s a damned great “in”, if you only cultivate it more and let it grow. Let go. _Feel_. Get fucking wasted and ask one of your buddies what they think. Be vulnerable enough to joke around with a gal even if you say the stupidest thing in the world or get smacked in the face… whatever, it’s just part of the process. You’re a stiff in a shell, man. Let your passions break through from within and let others’ break through to you… listen to them, find out what it is that makes them excited about whatever it is they’re excited about, and imagine yourself in their shoes and be excited too. That part of you _does_ exist; it just sounds like you haven’t used it very much lately. So start! [/pontification] ---
**Author:** ![Reply](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/reply/32/15952_2.png) [@Reply](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reply)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2009, 7:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/25-and-never-been-in-a-relationship/492824/124 "2009-04-14T07:48:18Z")
Actually, **ejtx** , you should disregard my previous post. Upon re-reading it, it became obvious I really don’t know what I’m talking about. Listen to the more experienced posters here instead. Sorry. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![ejtx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b77776/32.png) [@ejtx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ejtx)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2009, 8:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/25-and-never-been-in-a-relationship/492824/125 "2009-04-14T08:11:53Z")
> [@Reply](#): > > Actually, **ejtx** , you should disregard my previous post. Upon re-reading it, it became obvious I really don’t know what I’m talking about. Listen to the more experienced posters here instead. Sorry. :smack: Nononono… I liked it. I think you’re right. But this: [QUOTE=Reply] Your posts sound robotic. [/QUOTE] Now see this is exactly what I’m talking about. Do I really sound robotic here? Fuck, I feel like I’m pouring my heart out and this is the same kind of thing someone would say in real life. ---
**Author:** ![Argent\_Towers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e8c25b/32.png) [@Argent\_Towers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Argent_Towers)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2009, 8:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/25-and-never-been-in-a-relationship/492824/126 "2009-04-14T08:57:39Z")
What you sound like in text format on a message board is not an indication of what you are like in person. It doesn’t matter what you type here - it’s not really a reflection of your personality. I don’t think you’re “robotic,” anyway. ---
**Author:** ![Carnick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Carnick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Carnick)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2009, 10:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/25-and-never-been-in-a-relationship/492824/127 "2009-04-14T10:07:49Z")
Does your anxiety come from the fact that you don’t HAVE any close bonds, or that you don’t WANT them when other people think you SHOULD? Maybe you’re happy being a loner, but you’re afraid that you’re missing out on something you think you should want, or disappointing your parents. Look deep within yourself and answer honestly. Do you really want deeper connections, or are afraid by not having them you’re not measuring up to some standard? We’re taught from a very young age that the ultimate measuring sticks of self worth are marriage, kids, and status/money. Is that what you’re concerned about? Because it’s not true. Fuck everyone else. You’re not less of a man if you haven’t “scored” despite what all the stupid teen coming of age movies want you to think. Nobody has a Hollywood romance. Lots of people end up settling. It’s called “settling down” for a reason. Sometimes it’s a matter of desperation or financial security. Tons of people get married when they don’t want it and end up feeling trapped and miserable for the rest of their lives. Nobody is as happy as they appear. Likewise, you’re not a worthless human being if you never graduate to the top of your career. When you’re dead and gone, the only thing that will have mattered is what YOU wanted out of life. Not your parents or what you think you SHOULD have wanted. If you’re most happiest when you go home alone, play XBox and jerk off, so be it. It’s your life. Find out what your goals are. I mean YOUR goals. Write them down if you have to. If you really, truly want closer bonds, go to a shrink and start working out your issues. If you don’t, then go work on what will make you happy. ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2009, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/25-and-never-been-in-a-relationship/492824/128 "2009-04-14T14:38:43Z")
> [@ejtx](#): > > Do I really sound robotic here? No. Inhibited, yes, but you already knew that. ---
**Author:** ![MichaelQReilly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@MichaelQReilly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MichaelQReilly)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2009, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/25-and-never-been-in-a-relationship/492824/129 "2009-04-14T17:23:28Z")
> [@ejtx](#): > > Maybe I haven’t been really clear about what I am going through. It isn’t so much the physical barrier that gets to me. I have kissed/made out with girls and felt them up and done things I don’t really want to admit to. It’s not like I’m a complete prude. Honestly, the virginity thing doesn’t bother me that much. I don’t really give it a whole lot of thought. I kinda get the vibe that you think sexuality is some sort of dirty evil thing that you are doing to these poor girls. Hint: they like it. As to your larger issue. You’ve heard this in kindergarten, but it’s really true, you have to be a friend to make a friend. If you meet people that you get along with, you are essentially friends, but from there it’s up to you to reciprocate some kind of friendliness. If you meet people and never try and hang out or do things like that, they are going to stop reciprocating if you don’t meet them half way. ---
**Author:** ![badbadrubberpiggy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/57b2e6/32.png) [@badbadrubberpiggy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/badbadrubberpiggy)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2009, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/25-and-never-been-in-a-relationship/492824/130 "2009-04-14T17:28:40Z")
> [@MichaelQReilly](#): > > If you meet people that you get along with, you are essentially friends, but from there it’s up to you to reciprocate some kind of friendliness. If you meet people and never try and hang out or do things like that, they are going to stop reciprocating if you don’t meet them half way. This is important. So people invite you to go out to bars, parties and all that. But do you invite people to do things? Hang out, do any kinds of social things? Not just girls you might want to date, but guys & girls you’re not interested in romantically. Having a large group of people to party with is fun, but it’s not really a great way to get close to people if that’s all you’re doing with them. ---
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2009, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/25-and-never-been-in-a-relationship/492824/131 "2009-04-14T19:20:26Z")
> [@ejtx](#): > > I guess people see me as this really calm, rational, quiet dude, and for the most part I am. It’s just that when I try to express some kind of emotion it never comes out right. At work, some guys go to the back room and yell and cuss or they have really animated conversations with other people, but when I try to do the same thing I start seeing looks like this: :dubious: Do you have decent medical coverage? You might really benefit from some group therapy where you could interact with other people dealing with similar issues. Being forced to act emotional in front of other people would be good practice. Maybe someone will tell you why you seem so damn robotic. For what it’s worth, I feel somewhat similar to your situation except that I’ve managed to avoid all the bad parts. For instance, most people would describe me as emotionally distant if you asked. Even the people I’m closest to often express regret that they’re don`t feel closer to me emotionally. Where we differ - vastly - is that people for some reason find my extremely easy to open up to. I’m a good listener and I come off like I really genuinely care whether I do or not. So my friends sometimes stop and think about the fact that they don`t really know what’s going on inside my head, but most of the time they feel close to me because I know everything that’s going on in theirs (because they told me). It works with women - like **Argent Towers** said, strong silent type. It works with friends. It works with everyone for me. So I don`t want to change. I talked to a psychologist about it when I was younger and dealing with the death of a relative. He actually suggested the group therapy idea to get better at sharing my feelings, which is where I got the idea for you. I ultimately didn’t pursue it because as I said, being me works really well for me. ---
**Author:** ![Argent\_Towers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e8c25b/32.png) [@Argent\_Towers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Argent_Towers)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2009, 7:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/25-and-never-been-in-a-relationship/492824/132 "2009-04-14T19:26:01Z")
Being a good listener is important too but if all you do is listen, you’ll be a “friend” forever. You have to be assertive too. ---
**Author:** ![Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/848f3c/32.png) [@Fuzzy\_Dunlop](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fuzzy_Dunlop)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2009, 7:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/25-and-never-been-in-a-relationship/492824/133 "2009-04-14T19:49:57Z")
> [@Argent\_Towers](#): > > Being a good listener is important too but if all you do is listen, you’ll be a “friend” forever. You have to be assertive too. I really think **ejtx** needs advice beyond women. Becoming closer friends with a few guys would do him a world of good. You’re quite right about women, I just wasn’t intending to address a strategy to be with more women. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2009, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/25-and-never-been-in-a-relationship/492824/134 "2009-04-14T20:17:52Z")
> [@Carnick](#): > > We’re taught from a very young age that the ultimate measuring sticks of self worth are marriage, kids, and status/money. Is that what you’re concerned about? Because it’s not true. Fuck everyone else. You’re not less of a man if you haven’t “scored” despite what all the stupid teen coming of age movies want you to think. Nobody has a Hollywood romance. Lots of people end up settling. It’s called “settling down” for a reason. Sometimes it’s a matter of desperation or financial security. Tons of people get married when they don’t want it and end up feeling trapped and miserable for the rest of their lives. Nobody is as happy as they appear. > > Likewise, you’re not a worthless human being if you never graduate to the top of your career. When you’re dead and gone, the only thing that will have mattered is what YOU wanted out of life. Not your parents or what you think you SHOULD have wanted. If you’re most happiest when you go home alone, play XBox and jerk off, so be it. It’s your life. Find out what your goals are. I mean YOUR goals. Write them down if you have to. If you really, truly want closer bonds, go to a shrink and start working out your issues. If you don’t, then go work on what will make you happy. I think the OP’s problems go a little beyond getting laid by prom here. And actually what you describe is a pretty worthless human being - no relationships. No aspirations. What is the point of a life isolating yourself from the world and indulging in nothing but fantasy bullshit? Look, I’m a bit of a loner myself. There’s probably nothing I like better then spending a relaxing Saturday jerking off, playing XBox, watching TV and surfing the internet. Except, of course, doing pretty much anything involving actual people. I don’t get a sense that the OP is frustrated because he isn’t living up to other people’s expectations for him. I suspect he’s frustrated because his fear or ambivalence or whatever it is that is keeping him from doing what he wants to do is..er..keeping him from doing what he wants to do. It seems like our OP is very passive and reactive to life. He’ll go along with the courtesy invite to drinks with the after work happy hour crowd or if some girl asks him out he’ll go along with it. Yet he doesn’t have a core group of regular friends nor does he appear to have ever planned out a fun and exciting date. I’m willing to be he goes to a lot of the parties but few people remember him being there. He sound almost unsure of how he is supposed to act or what he’s supposed to do. Almost kind of like he’s a minor side character in the narative of his own life. Actually, \*\*Reply \*\* is right. Not that your posts sound robotic. Your behavior does. Kind of like a low-end Terminator model analyzing human interactions and processing for an appropriate response. Part of developing close relationships with people is getting past the superficial external facade that everyone puts on so as to appear inoffensive and “normal” to the outside world. Why am I closer to friends I see once every few years than my idiot coworkers I see every day? Because when I get together with my friends, we usually have years worth of crazy stories, stupid adventures, and amusing anecdotes. With my coworkers, our only interactions are the standard cordial corporate interactions. In the year that I have been here, I haven’t seen a spark of anything that would make me want to hang out with one over any of the other interchangable fleshdrones in the office. > [@Argent\_Towers](#): > > Watch any movie with [John David Carson](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/John_David_Carson) in it. Basically you want to be like that. Here, go to 2:25 in [this clip](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=K6PxYdWbFIY) from “Murder, She Wrote.” You want to aim for that kind of conversational tone. Because nothing screams “sexy” like Murder, She Wrote. ---
**Author:** ![Argent\_Towers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e8c25b/32.png) [@Argent\_Towers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Argent_Towers)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2009, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/25-and-never-been-in-a-relationship/492824/135 "2009-04-14T21:45:32Z")
No, no, it’s just his tone of voice and body language in that scene. It’s perfect. ---
**Author:** ![anu-la1979](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/47e85d/32.png) [@anu-la1979](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anu-la1979)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2009, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/25-and-never-been-in-a-relationship/492824/136 "2009-04-14T21:50:56Z")
Look OP, let’s ignore the hookers and blow sidetrack… I think the deal is that you feel weird that you feel emotionally isolated from a lot of your peers, including women. You don’t want to have a sexual relationship without a real emotional connection and you feel strange because you don’t feel “into” the woman to the extent that you would-that you can take it or leave it, right? And that this feeling extends to a lot of the people you meet? I often feel the same way about most people and I am most certainly not clinically depressed. And umm, while I am not a virgin I most certainly don’t subscribe to the ultra-promiscuous Sex and the City philosophy either. I don’t know any people who have 20 to 30 really really good friends that they’ve known for since the age of 4 (I’m sure they exist in a world full of people, though). I know a lot of people who have a LOT of casual acquaintances they can go drinking with-my opinion is that while many of the very gregarious types thrive on casual/bullshit acquaintance friendships and are energised by that lifestyle and the more introverted/lonerish folk get tired out by it and then wonder what’s wrong with them. Are you sure that your feelings of isolation don’t come from being in the second category? Doing something the way everyone ordains it has to be done (trying to find good friends by going clubbing/to the bars) doesn’t necessarily mean it’s what is going to work for you. Although, I wouldn’t necessarily completely give up that practice because it is important to network throughout life. Is there something that really interests you? A hobby or something? Try to find people, friends or ladies-who-might-be-more-than-friends who share your quirkier interests-I can be pleasant to someone at a bar without much social anxiety but am really only interested in repeatedly hanging out with people who share my interests or who make me laugh. For instance, I really like fashion (well, shopping at Bebe), cooking, kickboxing, travelling and science fiction novels. I am not into gaming, or wine or playing darts and getting wasted or a million other things. The thing is that you have to go find these things for yourself. They don’t come to you without that effort because you have to go out and fail at and hate something new before you find something you really like (I mean, my family continually mocks me for Hobby Fail…I try something new every year, f\*ck it up and go back to working out, shopping at Bebe and reading trashy sci fi). If you are anxious about doing that, or you don’t feel up to it-yes, I would very much go get help for that. It’s easier to feel enthusiastic about other people if they’re sharing an experience that makes you enthusiastic and excited. And sorry about that sounding like a platitude but I think in most cases it’s true. ---
**Author:** ![Algorithm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/algorithm/32/12204_2.png) [@Algorithm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Algorithm)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2009, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/25-and-never-been-in-a-relationship/492824/137 "2009-04-14T23:15:25Z")
**ejtx** - How do your friendships typically end? Do people just sort of fade out, or do you get in to fights (verbal, physical) with them? Do you have any secrets? Who do you tell? When things happen to you, do you tell anyone about how those things make you feel? What is your favorite thing to do in your spare time? Have you shared that activity with anyone? ETA: sorry if this sounds like an interrogation - just trying to get to know more about you. Some of the things you’ve said ring very true with me. ---
**Author:** ![suranyi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e36b37/32.png) [@suranyi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/suranyi)\ **Post date:** [April 14, 2009, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/25-and-never-been-in-a-relationship/492824/138 "2009-04-14T23:55:01Z")
I had my first serious relationship at the age of 29. Now, at age 46, I am happily married. 25 is not too late. Ed ---
**Author:** ![Cyberhwk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7993a0/32.png) [@Cyberhwk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cyberhwk)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2009, 8:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/25-and-never-been-in-a-relationship/492824/139 "2009-04-15T08:30:32Z")
> [@ejtx](#): > > The problem is that I just can’t seem to be able to emotionally connect with anybody enough to consummate a real relationship. I’ve had friends that I thought I was on a really deep emotional level with and then they tell me later that they barely know me. One girl said I was like “a rock.” That hurts. > > I’m not going to get really physical (have sex) with a girl unless I have a deep, intimate, well connected relationship with her. Fair enough. I think the problem may be differing priorities. Your position is perfectly valid, however you have to realize that for your/our (just turned 26 myself) peer group it’s usually the opposite. An emotionally involved relationship is seen as a much higher investment than a purely physical one. So even though your opinion differs, in their eyes you’re still asking for a lot more than they’re prepared to give at the moment. You’re in a tough position. > [@](#): > > I know that sounds old fashioned and maybe it’s even wrong Some will tell you it is, but don’t listen to them. If you won’t even stand up for what you believe, then what’s the point? > [@](#): > > I do go out to bars and I go to parties and meet people, but I never get to know them better than as just acquaintances. THAT is the part that sucks. If there was a relationship-o-meter, I’d get to around 50 or 60% and then thats it. Again, I’m guessing the people that roam the bars and parties probably aren’t looking for the same kind of relationship you are. > [@](#): > > I used to have really severe social anxiety. I still experience it. I’ll get nervous before going into a bar or something, but I’ve managed to overcome that fear mostly. Sometimes it still wins, though. So that limits the amount of new people I meet to begin with and then it makes it harder to build relationships with that small number of people. I’m with you there too brother. Everyone thought I was the guy who couldn’t hold his liquor in college. In reality, sometimes I was almost completely sober. I just had anxiety so bad it made me sick. Things are a lot better now but I STILL find myself sometimes paralyzed by it. I personally haven’t found the answer yet, but I’ve at least gotten to a point were I’m more than content with the situation. Good luck to you. ---
**Author:** ![Toxylon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f05b48/32.png) [@Toxylon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Toxylon)\ **Post date:** [April 15, 2009, 12:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/25-and-never-been-in-a-relationship/492824/140 "2009-04-15T12:31:56Z")
Woefully late to yet another thread, but: the OP sounds much like me. I am, what many have commented on (mostly not straight to me), a rock-faced, distant, even a bit scary guy. I have difficulties in relating to others, connecting, socializing. For years I wondered what’s the deal that I can’t get intimate with women: I’m quite good-looking (as told by women), fit and dress sharp, yet ugly slobs hang up with women left and right and I head home alone. I have high standards of myself as well as of others. For years, almost nothing was good enough for me, and even when I got to talk with very beautiful, charming women, I couldn’t let go of the “über-cool”, detached facade, and felt basically nothing. Girls would approach me, but it never got anywhere, unless I was hammered enough to (apparently) loosen up. Some of my friends were sure I was gay after seeing me with dream girls without any normal signs on my part. It took me years to realize how wooden I must look out there trying to find company. I thought I had trained a positive, relaxed look on my face while in reality I looked mostly scared. I thought my (forced) good posture sent a positive message to women, yet it made me look odd. Now I know I was even _too groomed_ for most women who don’t want a guy more concerned about his looks than they are. I had no idea of how to play the “game”, I was really clueless about most social rules. I thought being to-the-point and honest were virtues while they actively drove people away, me being interpreted as a guy with “strong opinions” and “issues”, and rightly so. When I tried to be compassionate or even just witty, it mostly came out all wrong, insulting people or sending confused looks my way. Timing, phrasing, tone, body language etc - all off. Not until my mid-twenties did I start to unravel the emotional locks I have. The first shrink I ever saw said, before I had revealed anything about my childhood: "It seems to me you are deeply traumatized ". I have a strong suspicion the OP is, too, and really urge him to seek professional councelling. Just talking to someone from the outside can really clear the picture about yourself and start the road to a happier life. What’s my trauma? A childhood in an emotionally dysfunctional family. My father had multiple mental illnesses and was completely unable to relate to his three children. All through my childhood I was afraid of my father; as a teenager I despised him. My mother, though functional, was a hard, cold woman. My earliest memories consist of her beating me. I grew up feeling worthless, not good enough. I learned to hide my true feelings, to act tough. By my late teens I suffered from undiagnosed depression and anxiety, and a particular fear of social situations. I was angry and felt entitled, and that must’ve reflected on the outside world. I had a hard time accepting women as sexual beings. Sex, while something I really wanted, had a dirty vibe to it (I blame it on the cold mother). Deep down inside I was afraid to let anyone see the true me, yet I was envious of people with close friends. I had none. It’s been a long road to recovery (councelling, hard self-reflection, and meds to take the edge off the worst anxiety and depression), but I’m happier now than I ever was. I’m more at ease with myself, looser, more confident, and women are way more interested in me (and me in them!) now than before, all the way through to post coitus. My few long-time friends comment on the change. I’m simply more fun to be with, while still a bit obtuse and stiff. The old cliche that you have to like yourself for anyone else to like you is true. The bottom line: You have issues. Go talk to a psychiatric councellor. It can only be good. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/25-and-never-been-in-a-relationship/492824.md?page=6) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/25-and-never-been-in-a-relationship/492824.md?page=8)