# 2nd Annual Doper Turkey Day Food Fight...

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/2nd-annual-doper-turkey-day-food-fight/94839>\
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\
**Created:** [November 23, 2001, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/2nd-annual-doper-turkey-day-food-fight/94839 "2001-11-23T02:21:50Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 16\
**Page:** 4

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**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\
**Post date:** [November 26, 2001, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/2nd-annual-doper-turkey-day-food-fight/94839/61 "2001-11-26T00:50:50Z")

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Ozonebaby, dear, don’t worry…I just “hurled” another glop of that Hell-O mold on the driveway…noway that scooter’s gonna get down the drive on that slippery mess…I say let’s pants em and dump that bowl of fart smelling and tasting brussel’s sprouts on their butts! Ya with me?

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**Author:** ![Cougarfang](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c67d28/32.png) [@Cougarfang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cougarfang)\
**Post date:** [November 26, 2001, 9:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/2nd-annual-doper-turkey-day-food-fight/94839/62 "2001-11-26T09:59:15Z")

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Hmmm… Baker has a point… Jester has a point… ah, heck with it.

_picks up two cherry pies with paws, hurls both simultaneously at Jester and Cartooniverse_

_ducks back under sofa_

Satisfied? 😃 Cartooniverse doesn’t look so spandy white anymore… BWAHAHAHAHAHAH-

_splat_

MMPH!

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**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\
**Post date:** [November 26, 2001, 11:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/2nd-annual-doper-turkey-day-food-fight/94839/63 "2001-11-26T11:35:05Z")

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A pice of blueberry pie is splatted right into the chest of **Cartooniverse**! (Who, me?) Hey, he’s red, white, and blue, how patriotic can you get?

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**Author:** ![Cartooniverse](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cartooniverse/32/3084_2.png) [@Cartooniverse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cartooniverse)\
**Post date:** [November 26, 2001, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/2nd-annual-doper-turkey-day-food-fight/94839/64 "2001-11-26T22:11:06Z")

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The stark floodlights of the patrol car outlined the gruesome sight all too clearly.

**Cartooniverse** stood at the interection. His eyes were blurry from the layeres of pie filling. His back arched, the white suit clinging to him in most indelicate ways. His fingers tracing lines back and forth across his torso, much like the body gestures of **Jaime Gumm** from **The Silence of The Lambs**. ( Gosh, there’s an image we could all have done without ).

His left foot was jammed under the polyurethane wheel of his Razor Scooter. Pinned, he was under the watchful glare of the local law enforcers. He struggled to both lick up fingerfuls of the rather tasty yet lethal pie slices, AND simultaneously reach into the hidden pocket of his white jumper to get his Photo I.D. Alas, his futile gestures were misinterpreted by the police as a grab for a concealed weapon and in a tragic mistake all too often repeated in the United States, an innocent cross-dressing party-crasher wearng too much fruit gumbo died in a hail of bullets.

Film at 11. ☹

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**Author:** ![ozonebaby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/eb8c5e/32.png) [@ozonebaby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ozonebaby)\
**Post date:** [November 26, 2001, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/2nd-annual-doper-turkey-day-food-fight/94839/65 "2001-11-26T23:27:31Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by swampbear \*  
> \*\*Ozonebaby, dear, don’t worry…I just “hurled” another glop of that Hell-O mold on the driveway…noway that scooter’s gonna get down the drive on that slippery mess…I say let’s pants em and dump that bowl of fart smelling and tasting brussel’s sprouts on their butts! Ya with me? \*\*

You bet! On the count of 5 we throw these bowls of brussel sprouts.

1. . .

2. . .

oh, to hell with it, just trow 'em!

_ozonebaby and swampbear throw the bowls at Jester and Cartooniverse_  
_ozonebaby’s hits Jester in the stomach and swampbear’s hits Cartooniverse in the face, now making him red, white, green and blue_

not so patriotic now eh Cartooniverse!

_ozonebaby picks up another cherry pie and hurls it at Guin_  
Bwa-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaaaaa!!!

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**Author:** ![Jester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jester/32/8223_2.png) [@Jester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jester)\
**Post date:** [November 27, 2001, 1:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/2nd-annual-doper-turkey-day-food-fight/94839/66 "2001-11-27T01:56:52Z")

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Mmmmph. Alright, now I’m _really_ serious. C’mon, **Tooniverse** , make yourself useful.  
\<Looks down, sees Cartooniverse lying prone on the ground\>

Nuts. Damn coppers got my partner! Well, looks like I’ll have to take the initiative here…  
\<Picks up Cartooniverse’s body and uses it as a human shield to get back inside the house and run to…\>

THE SILVERWARE CABINET! HAH!

\<Picks up forks and knives and throws them with Ninja-like accuracy, nailing **Cougarfang** and **Baker** to the wall by their clothing\>

Wait…\<sees **ozonebaby** sneaking up behind\>  
TRAITOR! I woulda come back for you, but noooo, you had to go and get all violent!  
\<Nails ozonebaby with a pie in the face, then dodges a brussel sprout thrown by **swampbear** Matrix-style and  
hits his target with some banana-cream justice\>

\<Turns back to the women-folk pinned to the wall\>  
Now, _ladies_, who wants seconds?  
\<Picks up mashed potato bowl and grins mischieviously\>

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**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\
**Post date:** [November 27, 2001, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/2nd-annual-doper-turkey-day-food-fight/94839/67 "2001-11-27T04:17:02Z")

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No, no, _please_ don’t hit me with mashed potatoes! Anything but that!

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**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\
**Post date:** [November 27, 2001, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/2nd-annual-doper-turkey-day-food-fight/94839/68 "2001-11-27T14:49:16Z")

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Jester, mashed potatoes, hah! Them’s for sissies. I got Aunt Mayreen’s sweet potato and turnip casserole here. And look, this year she added marshmallows and pecans!

Picks up casserole dish and hurls! Runs out of room before impact because he knows that stuff explodes on contact.

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**Author:** ![ozonebaby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/eb8c5e/32.png) [@ozonebaby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ozonebaby)\
**Post date:** [November 27, 2001, 10:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/2nd-annual-doper-turkey-day-food-fight/94839/69 "2001-11-27T22:58:16Z")

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_picks up some silverware the Jester has dropped and ninja-style just like Jester and pins Jester to the wall_

_throws pie after after pie after pie at Jester, all of which hit him in the face_

ha! now no more silverware, this is a food fight! _runs away but not before throwing one of swampbears exploding sweet potato turnip cassoroles with marshmallows and pecans_

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**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\
**Post date:** [November 28, 2001, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/2nd-annual-doper-turkey-day-food-fight/94839/70 "2001-11-28T00:34:32Z")

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Oh my God, did I just hear a knock at the door? Are we _supposed_ to be in this house?

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**Author:** ![Jester](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jester/32/8223_2.png) [@Jester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jester)\
**Post date:** [November 28, 2001, 12:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/2nd-annual-doper-turkey-day-food-fight/94839/71 "2001-11-28T00:50:39Z")

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\<Watches as everybody runs outside, away from the house\>

Hey, anybody feel like helping me down?  
\<Sees that the house is now empty, as the front door opens\>

Eep.

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**Author:** ![swampbear](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampbear/32/467_2.png) [@swampbear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampbear)\
**Post date:** [November 28, 2001, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/2nd-annual-doper-turkey-day-food-fight/94839/72 "2001-11-28T03:01:11Z")

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FYI…all this food stuff I keep arming myself with…it all actually is real. The holidays with my family are a culinary minefield. :eek:

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**Author:** ![Cougarfang](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c67d28/32.png) [@Cougarfang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cougarfang)\
**Post date:** [November 28, 2001, 9:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/2nd-annual-doper-turkey-day-food-fight/94839/73 "2001-11-28T09:08:05Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Jester \*  
> \*\*\<Picks up forks and knives and throws them with Ninja-like accuracy, nailing **Cougarfang** and **Baker** to the wall by their clothing\>

Clothing? What clothing?  
_collar snaps_  
_PLOP_  
Oh, THAT clothing! Why you… _looks at forum_ That was my very best real-leather collar! NOW you’re REALLY gonna get it…

_flings as much food as she can reach at Jester, completely burying him in brussel sprouts, Hell-o, pie, mashed potatoes, and casserole_

_takes a breather, listens hard_  
uh-oh… that WAS a knock…

_zooms out of house, completely bowling over the bemused cops outside_

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**Author:** ![Cougarfang](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c67d28/32.png) [@Cougarfang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cougarfang)\
**Post date:** [November 28, 2001, 9:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/2nd-annual-doper-turkey-day-food-fight/94839/74 "2001-11-28T09:10:17Z")

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:rolleyes:  
_chants mantra_  
Preview is my friend… preview is my friend… preview is my friend…

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**Author:** ![ozonebaby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/eb8c5e/32.png) [@ozonebaby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ozonebaby)\
**Post date:** [November 28, 2001, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/2nd-annual-doper-turkey-day-food-fight/94839/75 "2001-11-28T21:04:33Z")

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Bye-bye Jester! ah-ha-ha-ha-haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!  
_runs out of the house with everyone else_

_the door opens and in comes (drumroll please) . . ._ (someone, you’ll decide)

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**Author:** ![ozonebaby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/eb8c5e/32.png) [@ozonebaby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ozonebaby)\
**Post date:** [November 30, 2001, 9:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/2nd-annual-doper-turkey-day-food-fight/94839/76 "2001-11-30T21:09:34Z")

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Just wanted to let everyone know they can meet at my thread for Christmas. . .then it’s payback time. _evil grin_

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