# 30+ and unmarried = undateable? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 25, 2003, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-and-unmarried-undateable/197552 "2003-08-25T17:28:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Fretful\_Porpentine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fretful_porpentine/32/2873_2.png) [@Fretful\_Porpentine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fretful_Porpentine)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2003, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-and-unmarried-undateable/197552/61 "2003-08-28T14:19:36Z")
BTW, in my experience the people who really “have something wrong with them” are usually the ones who HAVE to be in a relationship, who keep hopping from partner to partner because they can’t stand to be alone. Such individuals tend to marry early and often. People who are mentally healthy and content with themselves tend not to be in a hurry to pair off, unless they happen to find the right person early in life. ---
**Author:** ![SirRay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cc9497/32.png) [@SirRay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SirRay)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2003, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-and-unmarried-undateable/197552/62 "2003-08-28T14:36:50Z")
Being 38 and never married (and male of course), I certainly feel quite dateable. Nowadays the female population of Long Island apparently disagrees. In the past 2 years the events and social settings where I could actually meet women (and have many fun dates, and 2 long term relationships, come out of it) have utterly collapsed in my area (long, confusing story - no wait, it was because certain people were blithering idiots…), and so I have been quite dateless for the past year (and grumpy because of that). I have tried many venues over the past few years: Singles dances, night classes in the community college, hiking outings, Seminars, and so on, but women I could ‘relate to’ just aren’t there. My friends and I figure that these women have simply given up and stay home at nights, and we considered a door-to-door campaign (‘The person of your dreams WILL just show up at your doorstep one day!’), but the logistics involved with 350,000 individual residences put an end to that. Oh yes, personal ads seem a waste of time even when properly written (on-line especially, where one quote was 7:1 male female response or something), but at least I have a laugh when someone suggests ‘Why don’t you try a on-line personal!’ - hey, I tried them all (well, 6 or 7 of them - there’s really too many now to count). Woot. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2003, 2:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-and-unmarried-undateable/197552/63 "2003-08-28T14:38:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Susanann \* > Anybody over 30 who has never been married, probably has problems, or else must have a very good reason why(e.g fiance died, was in prison, etc). \*\* Does not living in 1910 count as a good reason? The only problem that I have is that it’s too much fun being single. ---
**Author:** ![pestie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e5b9ba/32.png) [@pestie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pestie)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2003, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-and-unmarried-undateable/197552/64 "2003-08-28T20:21:39Z")
**yosemitebabe** , thanks a bunch for your comments. They were quite helpful. The compliments didn’t hurt, either. 😉 In my defense, while it does look like I wrote a freakin’ novel, it didn’t used to look so bad. Yahoo just changed the layout of their personals a week or two ago. They used to separate the fields into “about me” and “about my match” and the text was split roughly half and half between those two sections. Now they decided to completely reformat everything and put it all on one page. It’s just so hard to differentiate oneself from the background noise without writing much. Also, I never meant to imply that I wouldn’t date someone who was religious. I don’t have any religious beliefs of my own, but that doesn’t mean I’d insist my SO be the same. I probably couldn’t deal with anyone who was deeply religious, but I doubt they’d be interested in me anyway. And religion is less likely to be an issue when kids aren’t involved. Maybe it _is_ the kids-and-dogs thing that’s killin’ me. Figures that the only two things I’m not willing to compromise on would end up shooting me in the foot. And as far as the no-smoking, no-drinking thing goes, that’s more of a generalization than a hard-and-fast rule. I’ve been known to have a glass of wine or a Mike’s Hard Lemonade from time to time, especially with friends, but it’s so infrequent that it might as well be never. Same with smoking - I like a clove cigarette now and again, usually with friends, but it’s rare. I’m too complicated to sum up with checkbox options, dammit! Heh… Maybe I should just make that bio a third as long as it is now and see what happens. Thanks for the suggestions, though - really! ---
**Author:** ![scout1222](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/34f0e0/32.png) [@scout1222](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scout1222)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2003, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-and-unmarried-undateable/197552/65 "2003-08-28T20:25:30Z")
Just another thing, **pestie** - your user name. I can see on the yahoo web address that your page is called **nadbasher23**. I wonder if that’s making any women roll their eyes. (Not that you’d want a woman who’s so easily offended, but if you’re wading through a lot of bios, you’ll take any reason to wheedle the stack down) I’d also recommend shortening it. Think in terms of a one page resume. Otherwise, I think it’s great. And I don’t think specifying your preferences on dogs, religion, etc. is too much to ask, though yes, you’re probably ruling out a fair number of candidates. Of course, those candidates wouldn’t truly be for you anyway! ---
**Author:** ![Siege](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dbc845/32.png) [@Siege](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siege)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2003, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-and-unmarried-undateable/197552/66 "2003-08-28T22:07:02Z")
I’m a woman in my late 30’s who’s never married, so a fellow in his 30’s who’s never married is fine by me. Then again, I’ve been known to worry if people will think there’s something wrong with me because I’ve never married. CJ ---
**Author:** ![yosemite](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/3ab097/32.png) [@yosemite](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yosemite)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2003, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-and-unmarried-undateable/197552/67 "2003-08-28T22:52:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by pestie \* > **yosemitebabe** , thanks a bunch for your comments. They were quite helpful. The compliments didn’t hurt, either. 😉 Good, good. I was sincere in my compliments and I sure didn’t want to look like I was bashing your ad! > [@](#): > > In my defense, while it does look like I wrote a freakin’ novel, it didn’t used to look so bad. Yahoo just changed the layout of their personals a week or two ago. Isn’t that always the way. > [@](#): > > Also, I never meant to imply that I wouldn’t date someone who was religious. I don’t have any religious beliefs of my own, but that doesn’t mean I’d insist my SO be the same. Well, two things: first, I noticed that you didn’t mention any problem with religion, but some girls wouldn’t know whether you did or not. And some girls, while not _deeply_ religious, might have a problem with the absolute lack of religion. Like I said, it’s not about you, it’s them. > [@](#): > > Maybe it _is_ the kids-and-dogs thing that’s killin’ me. Figures that the only two things I’m not willing to compromise on would end up shooting me in the foot. Yeah—it might be. I mean, I am not sure, but it might be. Not so much the dogs (a lot of women are cat people anyway), but many women either have kids or at the age where they want them. If you got an older woman who had her kids and they were out of the home, or they (the women) were too old to start having kids, that would be a different matter, but I think you are just a little _too young_ to start dating women of that age! 😉 > [@](#): > > And as far as the no-smoking, no-drinking thing goes, that’s more of a generalization than a hard-and-fast rule. It’s not about your preferences. It’s about the woman who will feel “strange” around a man who won’t drink with her, or the woman who is a die-hard smoker who doesn’t want to be around a non-smoker. Even a laid-back non-preachy non-smoker (which it seems like you are) is probably going to have certain “boundaries” when it comes to smoking. And if you are the rare one who doesn’t, how are they to know? They are just playing it safe. > [@](#): > > Maybe I should just make that bio a third as long as it is now and see what happens. Thanks for the suggestions, though - really! I am glad we could help! (I see you got other suggestions too.) I don’t know if it’s _really_ important to bring it up (I just don’t know) but maybe it wouldn’t hurt to add in your bio, “don’t smoke or drink but am pretty laid back about others smoking or drinking around me.”, or “not religious but not anti-religious either.” or something like that, and see if it helps. Of course, some might see your being “not anti-religious” as an opportunity to “convert” you, so that’s something to be aware of… Hell, I don’t know—you would need to be careful how you phrased it, if you even chose to mention it at all. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [August 28, 2003, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-and-unmarried-undateable/197552/68 "2003-08-28T23:29:35Z")
**pestie** – another vote for editing this puppy down by about 2/3 – hit the headlines, don’t qualify so much, leave out some of the “I’m not, I’m not…” stuff (“I’m not into the Bucs”) and emphasize more what you _are_ – a bright, funny, interesting guy. Also – gotta go with **scout** on the user name thing – something a little more user-friendly might be a good idea. ---
**Author:** ![bernse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a9a28c/32.png) [@bernse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bernse)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 2:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-and-unmarried-undateable/197552/69 "2003-08-29T02:35:37Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Susanann \* > \*\*Anybody over 30 who has never been married, probably has problems, or else must have a very good reason why(e.g fiance died, was in prison, etc). \*\* Oh my god. Are you serious? ---
**Author:** ![Susanann](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7ab992/32.png) [@Susanann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Susanann)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 3:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-and-unmarried-undateable/197552/70 "2003-08-29T03:24:09Z")
Yes. ---
**Author:** ![johnnyk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a698b9/32.png) [@johnnyk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/johnnyk)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 4:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-and-unmarried-undateable/197552/71 "2003-08-29T04:57:00Z")
Susanann… Soooo…it’s normal for people to marry the first person they take to bed in your neck of the woods, is it? Hmmmm…where _I_ come from we have these things called “Standards”. Because of having these “Standards”, we don’t have to “settle”, nor do we have to marry the first person that gives us an orgasm. There is absolutely nothing wrong with someone being over 30 and never married. All it means is they haven’t met Mr. or Miss Right and aren’t willing to settle for Mr./Miss So-So. ---
**Author:** ![pestie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e5b9ba/32.png) [@pestie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pestie)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 5:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-and-unmarried-undateable/197552/72 "2003-08-29T05:45:51Z")
A general round of thanks for everyone who’s offered me suggestions here. **twickster** , I think you may be on to something with the idea of eliminating the “I’m nots.” That seems like a good approach to paring this monstrosity down to a reasonable size. As for the username, well, there’s a story behind that - it’s not _just_ about my love of juvenile humor - but it can’t hurt to change it. **yosemitebabe** , thanks again. Don’t worry about offending me with your comments - I don’t offend easily and I like to think I take criticism well. I’ve got a lot of potential revisions here thanks to you (and everyone else who replied to me - I don’t mean to leave anyone out) and maybe I’ll actually get somewhere if I make a few changes. ---
**Author:** ![Susanann](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/7ab992/32.png) [@Susanann](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Susanann)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 12:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-and-unmarried-undateable/197552/73 "2003-08-29T12:41:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by johnnyk \* > \*\*Susanann… > > There is absolutely nothing wrong with someone being over 30 and never married. All it means is they haven’t met Mr. or Miss Right and aren’t willing to settle for Mr./Miss So-So. \*\* Nothing wrong with it? Nothing? Are you saying that there is nothing wrong with birth defects? Postponing marraige usually means postponing the bearing of children. Women who wait until after 30 to get married, means that they could be having children into their mid 30’s, late 30’s, and early 40’s. Birth defects are significantly more common among older women who bear children. For example, the older the mother, the more likely she is to have a child with Down Syndrom. The eggs of a woman at age 40, are 40 years old. As a woman ages, there is much more likely to be defective and damaged chromosomes after a lifetime of being exposed to radiation, pollution, drinking, smoking, unhealthy foods, etc. after 35-45 years and after so many cell divisions in the body and after so many possibilities of errors of DNA replication. “scientists do know that women ages 35 and older have a significantly increased risk of giving birth to a child with Down syndrome. By age 40, this risk increases to about one in 100. By the age of 45, the odds are one in 30.” [http://alwaysyourchoice.com/ayc/childrens/infants/birth\_defects.php](http://alwaysyourchoice.com/ayc/childrens/infants/birth_defects.php) Of course, if you are not going to have children, I really dont care what you do, or whether you marry or not at all. ---
**Author:** ![twickster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ec9cab/32.png) [@twickster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/twickster)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 1:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-and-unmarried-undateable/197552/74 "2003-08-29T13:18:08Z")
**pestie** – critiquing personal ads, just one more service here at the Dope. Let us know when you’ve revised so we can (okay, I can, I love reading personals) look at it again. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 1:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-and-unmarried-undateable/197552/75 "2003-08-29T13:43:25Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Susanann \* > Nothing wrong with it? > > Nothing? > > Are you saying that there is nothing wrong with birth defects? > > Postponing marraige usually means postponing the bearing of children. > \*\* ## That has nothing to do with what you said before. You said: quote: ## Originally posted by Susanann Anybody over 30 who has never been married, probably has problems, or else must have a very good reason why(e.g fiance died, was in prison, etc). The implication being that there is something wrong with the PERSON who decided not to get married. Believe it or not, there are people out there who do not want to get tied down to a single person or have kids. Besides…that Downs sydrome stuff is an old wives tale. ---
**Author:** ![Swampwolf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8edcca/32.png) [@Swampwolf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swampwolf)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-and-unmarried-undateable/197552/76 "2003-08-29T13:59:56Z")
first off, **susanann,** if you haven’t heard, you can put another [notch](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=207894) on your monitor. but seriously folks… **pestie,** I wouldn’t worry so much about the whole “no kids” thing. When I had a personal ad, I wanted to let people know that I wanted to date _one_ adult. _Not_ one adult plus one or more children, 'cos that’s what happens when you date a parent. Fine for some people, sure. That’s not what I wanted. Dating is difficult enough as it is. Add to that I’m not especially fond of children (unless broiled with a nice red wine sauce…but I digress), so you bet your boots I put “no kids” in my profile. As it turns out, six months ago, I met an amazing woman who has two incredible kids. I’ve grown to love all three of them very much. She had missed the bit where I asked for no mothers, and if she hadn’t I would have missed a lot, and my life wouldn’t be as full of joy as it is today. So my point? It’s a perfectly reasonable request. But you never know Ms. Right’s situation. ---
**Author:** ![pestie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e5b9ba/32.png) [@pestie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pestie)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-and-unmarried-undateable/197552/77 "2003-08-29T16:11:15Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by blessedwolf \*So my point? It’s a perfectly reasonable request. But you never know Ms. Right’s situation. \*\* You’ve got a point, no doubt about it, but I’ve already been down that road enough times to know it’s not going to work for me. I’ve always tended to date women older than me, often by about 12 years or so, and several of them had kids of varying ages. So, by this point, I’m quite certain that “no kids” absolutely has to be a requirement for me. ---
**Author:** ![Swampwolf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8edcca/32.png) [@Swampwolf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swampwolf)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-and-unmarried-undateable/197552/78 "2003-08-29T19:20:49Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by pestie \* > \*\*You’ve got a point, no doubt about it, but I’ve already been down that road enough times to know it’s not going to work for me. I’ve always tended to date women older than me, often by about 12 years or so, and several of them had kids of varying ages. So, by this point, I’m quite certain that “no kids” absolutely has to be a requirement for me. \*\* oh, yeah. Forgot the obligatory > [@](#): > > YMMV my bad. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 8:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-and-unmarried-undateable/197552/79 "2003-08-29T20:04:51Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by pestie \* > \*\*Well, if you’re curious how it’s phrased, [have a look](http://personals.yahoo.com/nadbasher23). \*\* I had to look, **pestie** , out of sheer nosiness. I met my husband through an online ad (he’s a ham, too) and wanted to see if I could give you any pointers. It’s a good ad. You sound very fun and interesting. I’d cut a few things, make it shorter in general, and change some of the emphasis around a bit. Of course, I’m in sales, so you might want to be scared now. 😃 “This weekend only, folks, it’s pestie, and he’s going fast. We’ve only got one pestie left, folks, just $19.95. You heard me: $19.95! And if you buy now, we’ll throw in this Egg-O-Matic ab-so-lute-ly free. That’s free! Yes, an Egg-O-Matic and your very own pestie for this one time low low price of $19.95!” Julie ---
**Author:** ![F.U.Shakespeare](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/aca169/32.png) [@F.U.Shakespeare](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/F.U.Shakespeare)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2003, 9:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-and-unmarried-undateable/197552/80 "2003-08-29T21:22:30Z")
I’m male, 44 and never married. I have had some good relationships, with some very fine women, but only came close to marrying once. Reasons are several: [armchair shrink ON] I was raised by a basically-single mother (my father was really old), who was very controlling and neurotic, which seems to have lowered the amount of control that I am willing to accept from the women I date. [/armchair shrink OFF] In some other instances, the woman and I were attracted to each other, but didn’t share enough values (more common in my 20s and early 30s, when hormones take precedence over values). In other instances, I broke things off, thinking the woman to be too controlling. While I acknowledge that there is a bilateral element of control in any relationship, I have always avoided (and continue to avoid) women who seem to enjoy control-for-its-own-sake. (FWIW, the one woman that I almost married did not have much need for control. She was very independent, and trusting, and I felt very comfortable with her. I was willing to accept what control she wanted, because I felt it was justified. Unfortunately, we lived far apart, and were not able to keep the relationship alive). In short, I know I have issues with control, and realize it’s played a role in my never marrying. Perhaps other confirmed bachelors do too? If so, it might suggest that a woman considering dating a 30s+ bachelor should find out if they are of similar outlook on the amount of freedom they both think is appropriate in a relationship. Preferably early in the relationship. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-and-unmarried-undateable/197552.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-and-unmarried-undateable/197552.md?page=5)