# 30+ years of Saturday Night Live products **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [June 10, 2004, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573 "2004-06-10T01:11:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Flander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8c91f0/32.png) [@Flander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flander)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2004, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/81 "2004-06-11T18:53:55Z")
> [@Otto](#): > > So I’m not the only invisible man in this thread after all FUCK!! :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2004, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/82 "2004-06-11T19:51:38Z")
> [@My Darn Snake Legs](#): > > ``` > What? Noone has said anything about the Amazin' Lazer! > > ``` [Um…](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=4950579&postcount=41) > [@](#): > > I’m surprised nobody has mentioned…the Amazin’ Laser. ---
**Author:** ![plnnr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/7ea924/32.png) [@plnnr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/plnnr)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2004, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/83 "2004-06-11T19:54:06Z")
Puppy Uppers and Doggie Downers ---
**Author:** ![5que](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/5/3bc359/32.png) [@5que](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/5que)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2004, 8:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/84 "2004-06-11T20:05:59Z")
> [@plnnr](#): > > Puppy Uppers and Doggie Downers Damn, someone beat me by a few minutes on this one. How about the traveler’s checks from the guy who never left his apartment? ---
**Author:** ![Flander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/8c91f0/32.png) [@Flander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flander)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2004, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/85 "2004-06-11T20:33:32Z")
From the looks of things, it looks like everyone should read [THIS](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=260755&page=1&pp=50) thread VERY CAREFULLY before they post another SNL commercial skit. Read ALL of the posts, then come back and post your response. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Icerigger](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/icerigger/32/432_2.png) [@Icerigger](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Icerigger)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2004, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/86 "2004-06-11T22:41:58Z")
Que music featuring the beautiful people enjoying only the finer things in life. Your not like the rest…You’ve never accepted second best… And what’s more the world owes You… Voice over: That’s right your going to hell. A message from God ---
**Author:** ![AwSnappity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a3d4f5/32.png) [@AwSnappity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AwSnappity)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2004, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/87 "2004-06-11T23:34:17Z")
Another great one is from when Jack Black hosted and they had a commercial for a new birthday song. Will Ferrell comes out in this awesome bowl haircut and says, “There’s no quicker way to kill a party than singing that tired old ‘Happy Birthday’ song. It’s complicated, long, difficult to sing, and impossible to remember.” Then Jack Black comes out and starts singing a simple birthday tune, which quickly progresses into an elaborate show, complete with multiple stages, flying, and druids. “Abraxas! Abraxas, I give myself to thee!” ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2004, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/88 "2004-06-12T00:08:29Z")
> [@plnnr](#): > > Puppy Uppers and Doggie Downers [Now you’re doing it on purpose](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=4949642&postcount=19) ---
**Author:** ![Lando\_Griffin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f17d59/32.png) [@Lando\_Griffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lando_Griffin)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2004, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/89 "2004-06-12T00:38:10Z")
This one had me cracking up: > [@](#): > > First Citiwide Change Bank: Our business is making change > > [SUPER: “When you do only one thing, you do it better”] > Customer #1: I needed to take the bus, but all I had was a five-dollar bill. > I stopped by First Citiwide, and they were able to give me four singles and > four quarters. > [SUPER: “At First Citiwide Change Bank, We just make change”] > Bank Representative: We will work with the customer to give that customer > the change that he or she needs. If you come to us with a twenty-dollar > bill, we can give you two tens, we can give you four fives - we can give you > a ten and two fives. We will work with you. > Customer #2: I went to my First Citiwide branch to change a fifty. I guess I > was in kind of a hurry, and I asked for a twenty, a ten, and two fives. > Their computers picked up my mistake right away, and I got the correct > change. > [SUPER: “Correct Change”] > Bank Representative: We have been in this business a long time. With our > experience, we’re gonna have ideas for change combinations that probably > haven’t occurred to you. If you have a fifty-dollar bill, we can give you > fifty singles. [SUPER: “We can give you fifty singles”] We can give you > forty-nine singles and ten dimes. We can give you twenty-five twos. Come > talk to us. [SUPER: “We can give you twenty-five twos”] We are not going > to give you change that you don’t want. If you come to us with a > hundred-dollar bill, we’re not going to give you two-thousand nickels… > SUPER: “We’re not going to give you two thousand nickels” ] - unless that > meets your particular change needs. We will give you… the change… equal > to… the amount of money… that you want change for! > [SUPER: “At First Citiwide Change Bank, Our business is making change”] > Bank Representative: That’s what we do. > Bank Representative: A lot of people don’t realize that change is a two-way > street. You can come in with sixteen quarters, eight dimes, and four > nickels - we can give you a five-dollar bill. Or we can give you five > singles. Or two singles, eight quarters, and ten dimes. You’d be amazed at > the variety of the options you have. > Customer #3: I was driving through Pennsylvania on the tollway, and to save > time I was using the exact-change lanes. I had just run out of quarters, and > I was getting a bit nervous when I spotted a sign for a Citiwide branch at > the next exit. Let me tell you, it was a pretty good feeling. > Bank Representative: I have had people come in with wrinkled ten-dollar > bills to exchange for new crisp bills to put in birthday cards. We can > handle special requests like that, usually in the same day. > Customer #4: I’d just returned from a business trip to London, and all the > cash I had was a five-pound note. Citiwide wasn’t able to convert it to > dollars, but they did give me four guineas, two crowns, four shillings, and > ten pence. > Bank Representative: All the time, our customers ask us, “How do you make > money doing this?” The answer is simple: Volume. That’s what we do. ---
**Author:** ![Lando\_Griffin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f17d59/32.png) [@Lando\_Griffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lando_Griffin)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2004, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/90 "2004-06-12T00:39:56Z")
On second thought, maybe I should have linked to that :smack: ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2004, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/91 "2004-06-12T00:43:11Z")
> [@FriarTed](#): > > “and a heated metal coil sears his reproductive organs. Then wads of turnpentine soaked cotton are placed there and in his mouth while a piece of tantalizing food is dangled just out of reach. None of these will exactly kill the roach but they will give him plenty to think about.” The Roach Dungeon: Go medieval! There was also the Roach Brothel – “Roaches make out but they don’t get out!” There was one for the Enigma – a car made by two different design teams – one team designed it with the best brakes possible, the other with no brakes at all, etc., etc. – the final product being shown, or rather concealed, under a fluttering sheet. “The Enigma: The best car of the year! Or is it the worst?” From the original-cast years: A guy is at the kitchen table, coughs, and says to his wife, “Honey, I think I just coughed up a piece of my lung!” A suit comes on and says, “How many times has this happened to you?” Then the wife chops off her fingertip. “The Speci-Pak!” – a refrigerated briefcase for getting your “specimen” safely to the hospital for analysis or reattachment. Come to think of it, this one would actually make sense. At least, as part of an army doctor’s field kit. Wouldn’t be surprised if they have them. Also from the OC years: “New Dad!” A life insurance policy that not only pays off if the man of the house meets an untimely end, but also provides a replacement husband-and-father. ---
**Author:** ![Kitchen\_Wench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/f08c70/32.png) [@Kitchen\_Wench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kitchen_Wench)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2004, 12:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/92 "2004-06-12T00:49:31Z")
> [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > Straight Dope Classic (about 3/4 of the way down): [http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a3\_104.html](http://www.straightdope.com/classics/a3_104.html) That is the most disgusting thing I’ve ever read in my life. Pardon me while I projectile vomit. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2004, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/93 "2004-06-12T01:11:16Z")
I have a SNL book from the '70s – it contains a script for a skit about “Placenta Helper,” which was never aired. “CENSORED” is stamped on the pages in big red letters. A skit about a movie or TV special called “Jesus of Nashville” (Jesus and the two thieves, hanging on the cross, lift their heads and start singing while a light show plays and the crowd roars) got the same treatment. I remember an ad for a program that posts the full texts of great books on highway billboards, lots and lots of them. A truck driver talks about how he’ll earn his master’s degree in philosophy as soon as he finishes Sartre’s _Being and Nothingness_ on his next run. “Sponsored by the Petroleum Council.” ---
**Author:** ![SolGrundy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/bbce88/32.png) [@SolGrundy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SolGrundy)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2004, 1:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/94 "2004-06-12T01:50:26Z")
Herbal Essences for Men, with all the men in the courtroom washing their hair and having embarrassing man orgasms. Funniest commercial ever. ---
**Author:** ![psychobunny](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/54ee81/32.png) [@psychobunny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/psychobunny)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2004, 2:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/95 "2004-06-12T02:48:27Z")
Well you have mentioned most of my favorites-the change bank, the Adobe, puppy uppers, bag o’ glass. If we are talking all ads and not just products, though, I put in a plug for the uvula PSA > [@](#): > > It’ll behoove ya to take care of your uvula. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2004, 3:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/96 "2004-06-12T03:03:39Z")
> [@psychobunny](#): > > Well you have mentioned most of my favorites-the change bank, the Adobe, puppy uppers, bag o’ glass. If we are talking all ads and not just products, though, I put in a plug for the uvula PSA “Knock, knock” “Who’s there?” “Babs’ uvula” “Babs’ uvula who?” “I don’t know, but I do know this…” ---
**Author:** ![AwSnappity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a3d4f5/32.png) [@AwSnappity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AwSnappity)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2004, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/97 "2004-06-12T03:12:25Z")
How about the error-proof headache test–you can never be sure if you have a headache or not. All you do is take a blood sample, put it in the centrifuge, wait an hour, and then put a drop on the test strip. Blue means you have a headache, clear means you don’t, green means inconclusive–try again. Janeane Garofolo’s character says, “Oh, I’m in agony!” Kevin Nealon’s character looks at her strip and says, “You don’t have a headache.” She says, “I’m so glad,” and then they hug. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2004, 3:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/98 "2004-06-12T03:15:56Z")
I forget the name of it, but there was this breakfast cereal laced with Ecstasy – turned this middle-class exec into a raver . . . Much longer ago, there was an animated frog or something with an Irish brogue, advertising a cereal made of “sugar, with just a touch of wheat flavor” – an obvious parody on the Cookie Crisp commercials. ---
**Author:** ![Baldwin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/baldwin/32/7264_2.png) [@Baldwin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baldwin)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2004, 3:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/99 "2004-06-12T03:29:45Z")
> [@](#): > > THere was that one that dissolved escess fingers and toes (Finger-Be-Gone and Toe-Be-Gone?) I think that was called “Finger-Off”. And new “Toe-Rific” for toes! I was watching SNL when it premiered. If I recall, the very first parody commerical was for an arthritis medicine called Triopenin. It had a child-proof cap that was virtually impossible for somebody with arthritis to open. I remember an ad for a funeral home that went to some lengths to promise that they would not have sex with your loved one’s body – and that if an employee **was** caught having sex with your relative’s body, that employee could be severely disciplined, including suspension for up to three full weeks. ---
**Author:** ![Baldwin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/baldwin/32/7264_2.png) [@Baldwin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baldwin)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2004, 3:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/100 "2004-06-12T03:32:26Z")
Sorry – not “Finger-Off”, but “Handy-Off”. Better name. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573.md?page=6)