# 30+ years of Saturday Night Live products **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [June 10, 2004, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573 "2004-06-10T01:11:46Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![Superdude](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/superdude/32/13450_2.png) [@Superdude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Superdude)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2004, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/101 "2004-06-12T04:30:50Z")
> [@Marley23](#): > > I think it was the AssJet (maybe 4000). > > The one with Roseanne and Phil Hartman spoofing a credit card… I can’t remember many of the details now, just that he was going on about how helpful she was and she kept insulting him and all of their customers. This was the one that immediately came to mind for me. I love it! Roseanne: I told him to have his company wire him the money. Or he could take a personal check, roll it up real tight, and cram it. Phil: She gave me several options. What about Eddie Murphy’s Velvet Jones books? Like “Kicked in the Butt By Love?” ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Rieux](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/aeb1de/32.png) [@Dr.Rieux](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Rieux)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2004, 7:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/102 "2004-06-12T07:17:42Z")
“I Wanna be a Ho.” ---
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2004, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/103 "2004-06-12T16:19:07Z")
> [@BrainGlutton](#): > > There was one for the Enigma – a car made by two different design teams – one team designed it with the best brakes possible, the other with no brakes at all, etc., etc. – the final product being shown, or rather concealed, under a fluttering sheet. “The Enigma: The best car of the year! Or is it the worst?” I think it was the Paradox, if memory serves. “One team designed it with four doors… another with two… still another designed it with one big door.” (whispery voiceover : ) “One big door.” ---
**Author:** ![AwSnappity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a3d4f5/32.png) [@AwSnappity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AwSnappity)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2004, 5:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/104 "2004-06-12T17:01:05Z")
Has anyone mentioned Gangsta Bitch Barbie and Tupac Ken? “Remember to puff those boxers, sucka!” And of course Macintosh Jr. “This dinosaur eating an army guy…it’s the best I’ve ever seen!” " ‘Welcome to the pubic library,’ " “It said ‘public;’ I changed it” “Y’know, my dad got me a computer, but I can’t do stuff like that. Maybe I’m just stupid.” “No, we’re not stupid, our dads just got us crummy computers.” “We got crummy dads.” My mom loooooved the Gap Fat commercials, where it was a bunch of overweight people mimicking the then-current Gap commercials with the West Side Story dancing. ---
**Author:** ![voguevixen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b5ac83/32.png) [@voguevixen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/voguevixen)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2004, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/105 "2004-06-12T17:14:35Z")
[mild hijack]When I used to run a movie theater we’d go to the bank on Fridays and load up on ones, fives, and quarters and the bank would give us TOTAL GRIEF about it and say I needed to call first and crap like that. Are you kidding me? I wished for that SNL bank SO MANY TIMES![/mild hijack] Did anyone mention the “crack achievers” ad yet? It was a spoof of the coffee achiever ads that ran in the late 80’s and had olympic atheletes spinning around the parallel bars in super fast-motion, etc. ---
**Author:** ![Sam\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Sam\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sam_Stone)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2004, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/106 "2004-06-12T17:28:47Z")
They had some really good ones a couple of weeks ago that went something like this: Man on bed in hotel beside dead prostitute, talking on the telephone: “Look! Just call that guy you know! The one who fixes things! Yes, she’s DEAD, Tommie. Just call him, okay? I need this taken care of!” Then the caption comes on: “What happens in Thailand STAYS in Thailand. Brought to you by the Thailand Department of Tourism.” It went on through the whole show, with Ben Affleck appearing in later commercials for Thailand. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2004, 6:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/107 "2004-06-12T18:28:14Z")
It’s a desert topping! It’s a floor wax! IT’S BOTH! ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2004, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/108 "2004-06-12T18:31:14Z")
Ooh! And John Belushi doing a Wheaties Bruce Jenner Olympics ad parody! [while smoking a ciggy] “I downed a lot of miles that day. And a lot of donuts. Little chocolate donuts…” ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2004, 7:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/109 "2004-06-12T19:02:16Z")
I rememer this commercial about a medicine that doesn’t make any claims. Who says it can’t stop headaches? Who says it shouldn’t be used as a contraceptive? This medicine might be able to do everything. Or nothing. ---
**Author:** ![Snooooopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Snooooopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snooooopy)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2004, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/110 "2004-06-12T21:21:30Z")
> [@RandMcnally](#): > > I rememer this commercial about a medicine that doesn’t make any claims. Who says it can’t stop headaches? Who says it shouldn’t be used as a contraceptive? This medicine might be able to do everything. Or nothing. That commercial seems more relevant than ever considering all of those drug commercials these days that don’t actually mention what the product does – they just show scenes of happy people asking, “Are YOU ready for (name of drug)?” ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2004, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/111 "2004-06-12T21:37:49Z")
I don’t think anyone has yet mentioned the several ads for song-compilation albums. My favorites: _The Irish Album,_ with “The Drinking and Fighting Song” (“We’ll drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and drink and drink, then we’ll fight and fight and fight and fight and fight and fight and fight . . .”) and “The Incoherent Song.” And John Lovitz as “The Drunken Irish Jew.” And _A Dysfunctional Family Christmas Album_: “Daddy’s nose is red and runny, Daddy’s speech is slurred and funny, and the only words we understand are ‘God’ and ‘Damn’ and ‘Christmas’!” Also features “I’ve Got My Drinking Under Control for the Holidays,” “Why Am I the Only One Who Knows What Christmas Means?” . . . Can anyone remember any others? ---
**Author:** ![voguevixen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b5ac83/32.png) [@voguevixen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/voguevixen)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2004, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/112 "2004-06-12T21:44:43Z")
> [@BrainGlutton](#): > > I don’t think anyone has yet mentioned the several ads for song-compilation albums. My favorites: > > Can anyone remember any others? YES! “Sold Out Gold!” A compilation of old songs that had been changed into commercial jingles. It featured “the Sunkist song” (Good Vibrations) and a bunch they made up. (The only one I can remember off the top of my head was “Talkin’ 'bout my Ken L Ration.” ROFL!) Spokesperson David Crosby (Jon Lovitz): “Order noooowww, maaaan!” ---
**Author:** ![Sam\_Stone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Sam\_Stone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sam_Stone)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2004, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/113 "2004-06-12T22:22:19Z")
**Buckwheat Sings!** You’re unce, tice, fee tines a mady! Other commercials which I don’t recall being mentioned (don’t shoot me if they have): **Hamburger Helper Antibacterial Colon Blow Cereal Gangsta Insurance Dissing Your Dog The Princess and the Homeboy** (hilariously funny G-Dog is going from Compton to the Country Club! No go make me a motherf\*cking sandwich!) **Bioflex** - An exercise system that consists of a genetically engineered monster - you get in shape by trying to stop it from killing you. Then there was **Grayson Moorehead Securities** - one of my favorites: _A tradition of Security:_ “We will make a list of our clients and how much money each of them has given us to invest. We will keep this list in a safe place. If we have time we will make a copy of the list in case something happens to the first list.” _A Tradition of Listening_:- “Listen to your client. It’s the only way to know what he’s saying.” _Writing Brokers’ Names on Slips of Paper_: “Once a year, we will write each broker’s name on a slip of paper and then place the slips in a hat. Each broker will then draw a slip of paper from the hat. He will buy a gift for the broker whose name he his drawn. He will be that broker’s Secret Santa.” _If My Wife Calls:_ “If my wife calls while I’m shagging my secretary, tell her I’m in a meeting. That way, I can continue shagging my secretary.” ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2004, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/114 "2004-06-12T22:26:21Z")
> [@BrainGlutton](#): > > Can anyone remember any others? There was a collection aimed at money-grubbing yuppies with such songs as “Let’s Get Fiscal”. ---
**Author:** ![Fish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bc8723/32.png) [@Fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fish)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2004, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573/115 "2004-06-12T22:45:47Z")
Garrett Morris and the Big Damn Plastic Bubble. And I was going to mention that Budweiser/hockey face-off commercial but **Cardinal** beat me to it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30-years-of-saturday-night-live-products/249573.md?page=5)