The following review is a mishmash of notes on the movie, courtesy of a friend of mine (Mr Jelly); I pretty much agree with everything he’s saying, though I personally enjoyed the movie despite the obvious flaws:
More posturing than an Anime film festival, more nipples than a baby bottle factory, more cheesy dialogue than the collected works of Stephen Sommers, more cheesy monsters than a Gwar concert, more overuse of slo-motion than a John Woo highlight reel, and the most attrocious and patronizing voice over narrative EVER, puts this movie at the top of my list for Mr Jelly’s most hated of 2007.
Yes, it features 30 minutes of impressive, illogical warfare, that at times is visually poetic and moving. Yes it features many cgi cuts, amputations, and decapitations, and water-color blood splattering effects meant to mimic the graphic novel. It had at least 3 very funny scenes that I laughed at because I was meant to - those were great!
But here is what it is devoid of:
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Color
300s cold washed out palate is tiresome and ugly - regardless of the few incredibly artisitc and striking shots that we are graced with (these few moments made the rest of the film even more unbearable).
-
Characterization.
I could have cared less if any of these characters lived or died - I couldnt tell you anyones name except xerxes and leonidas - I know one guy had a kid and that everyone but leonidas liked to headbang and fight to progressive metal music.
-Emotional impact.
The begining was strong - i did feel engaged - then the battle started, the mutated world of Persia showed up, and I started laughing out loud at scenes that were supposed to be serious. I laughed at the delivery and writing of several lines, and by the end I couldnt take it any more with the empty lines about honor and bravery. It felt like a hollow propaganda movie that terrorists might watch before they go off to commit a suicide bombing in the name of “honor” and defeating “mysticism” and integration into the rest of the world.
-Restraint.
GOOD GOD, Faramir, please shut the FUCK UP! Every single time the movie started to connect with me - fucking Faramir starts narrating over the top of these visuals that were self-explanatory. We know that narration is a no-no even when it gives us MORE information than we can get from the visual sequence, but WTF ZACK SNYDER are you doing having a man tell me what I am already seeing?
“He hears his mean breathing” (men are breathing) “He drops his shield” (he drops his sheild) “The men were celebrating their victory because the day was won” (the stars are coming out and the men are celebrating). etc etc etc. Show dont tell, motherfucker.
-Regular speed film.
This is the worst and the best part of the film all mixed into one. LOVED it during much of the 30 minutes of fighting in the film. HATED during the hour and half of non-fighting. It makes sense that to me that battle scenes are slowed down - that the chaos and brutality is impactful through slow-motion. And it does actually work - as it did some of the time where it was overused in the Passion of the Christ. But when you overdo the slo-mo - as with any joke - if it goes too long - it loses its power. Slo-motion is a powerful visual tool precisley because it is NOT how we see the world - and its the contrastive facet of slo-mo against the rest of film being regular speed, that gives it its power. Why is the queen walking through a cooridor need to be slowed down - she looks and sees her son - this moment makes sense - there is a visual connection between mother and son - she walks through a room - all slo-mo - there is no reason for it that i can find, and at every turn the impact that it does make is undone by its overuse.
Such a strange with so many strange choices. I went in with low expectations - but the strong beginning of the film really captivated me - then something happened - i dont know what - but i think it was a tonal change. The film is very serious and somewhat grounded in reality in the first 35 minutes - then it just goes crazy. All the plans Leonidas lays out at the begining seem like they are dropped - he talks of logic but their fighting on screen, while it starts in the narrow moutain path (nicely mirroring the wolf scene) - it just gets dropped - the men move out into the open battle field leaving their strategery and movie logic behind. Then monsters start showing up, and Xerxes with the funniest voice and the biggest manhands ever shows up and SERIOUSLY SHIT YOU NOT - thought about how awesome this film would be if Mystery Science Theater got its hands on it. The obvious strange sexual reference of Xerxes standing behind Leonidas with his hands on him and saying “I can give you more” isnt whats so funny - its just everything - the enemy is a 12 year olds fantasy, the fantasy of someone who has seen too many Marylin Manson music videos. I wanted to love this film, I wanted movie magic. Instead all I got was the Cheeseburger Juliet gives to Jack on Lost: Surprising and enticing at first, tastey, funny, then totally improbable, ridiculous, and dissapointing.
And maybe my ovaries were in overdrive, but ALL i felt for the Spartans was pity. They arent heroes - they dont protect the innocent - they BEAT and brutalize their children - they INDOCTRINATE their children - kill them if they are weak, beat them until they are strong, and call it FREEDOM. As part of western society we are always too quick to judge and criticise other cultures for not being our own - we define things as not normal - but i like the way Abnormal Psychology is defined. Abnormality is defined as any behavior that causes harm or violence to befall the individual or others by the individual. THIS IS SPARTA! to quote Leonidas - its an abomination of necromongers who worship death, violence to others, and most of all violence to their own.
Great heroes protect the innocent - the spartans endanger all of Greece. Watching a heroic battle means you connect with the heroe’s fight to save something - I didnt laugh when the Cave Troll fights the Fellowship of the ring (I laughed out loud when Leonidas fights the Persian giant-Troll) - it was wonderfull to see the hobbit team work together to survive - to reach a larger goal - to make it to the next challenge - Strider is a HERO - sacrificing his life for a greater dream- Leonidas is a warmongerer who prizes his idiology of death over the salvation of his peoples life. The spartans are the least free people ive ever seen - forced to fight - and mentally enslaved to see and seek only death.
The only true motivation the film gives us is the village burned to the ground in the beginnging and the child who says they came like wolves. But this would have never happened had Leonidas’ pride not brought Persia down upon him over “earth and water”. I suppose thats like saying WW2 would never have happened if Hitler didnt invade Poland - but I for one would never want to watch a movie about Hitler being a hero for the motherland in his last stand against the allies as they invaded Berchtesgaden and Hitler’s mountain-top hideaway. That movie would suck.
The above logic is as broken as the Spartans war strategies on film, so maybe an even better analogy would be - Bush/Xerxes threatens to invade Iraq. Saddam/Leonidas and his army go to their deaths before allowing the force of US/Persia to take over their land peacefully. Maybe in 100s of years they will make a movie like 300 where Saddam is portrayed as a great hero. hopefully its not all in slow motion.
