# 30th Birthday - is it wrong to expect a big deal present? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 9, 2007, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30th-birthday-is-it-wrong-to-expect-a-big-deal-present/415017 "2007-08-09T14:49:18Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Queuing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/90ced4/32.png) [@Queuing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Queuing)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2007, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30th-birthday-is-it-wrong-to-expect-a-big-deal-present/415017/21 "2007-08-09T16:04:12Z")
[QUOTE=Lamar Mundane] 16 is the last “big” birthday until 100. [/QUOTE] Again, not true. I don’t know anyone who did not have a big to-do for their 19th birthday. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2007, 4:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30th-birthday-is-it-wrong-to-expect-a-big-deal-present/415017/22 "2007-08-09T16:08:53Z")
[QUOTE=Queuing] Again, not true. I don’t know anyone who did not have a big to-do for their 19th birthday. [/QUOTE] Hi! You do now. Though I see you’re from Canada, which would explain the big to-do’s on the 19th. > [@](#): > > Everyone of you would be disappointed/angry if your SO didn’t get you something for your birthday. Expecting a specific thing is jerkish, expecting something is normal. Again, not true. I would prefer that my b-day not be mentioned or recognized in any way. Be careful with that broad brush. ---
**Author:** ![Duke\_of\_Rat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Duke\_of\_Rat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke_of_Rat)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2007, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30th-birthday-is-it-wrong-to-expect-a-big-deal-present/415017/23 "2007-08-09T16:12:25Z")
[QUOTE=Lamar Mundane] There is no such thing as “The big 3-0”. You are fabricating this in your mind as a reason for her to get you Eagle’s tickets. 16 is the last “big” birthday until 100. [/QUOTE] I got a bottle of tequila for my 3-0, and had to buy that myself. ---
**Author:** ![Queuing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/90ced4/32.png) [@Queuing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Queuing)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2007, 4:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30th-birthday-is-it-wrong-to-expect-a-big-deal-present/415017/24 "2007-08-09T16:17:49Z")
[QUOTE=Duke of Rat] I got a bottle of tequila for my 3-0, and had to buy that myself. [/QUOTE] And were you in a long term relationship at that time? Look, I understand that I was/am a big fucking jerk. I also understand that she knows nothing about this, which is why I came here to ask for opinions that I already knew. Still it felt good writing it down :). Regardless of this the idea of it being wrong to expect any sort of present from a SO of your birthday is nice in principal but this is the real world. The vast majority of people under 40 do want some sort of recognition from their loved ones on their birthday, particularly SO loved ones. To say otherwise is just an exercise in self delusion. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2007, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30th-birthday-is-it-wrong-to-expect-a-big-deal-present/415017/25 "2007-08-09T16:18:33Z")
I don’t think you’re being a jerk, but I think you’re investing too much thought into what she is capable of giving and what you are entitled to. My ex boyfriend often did that, and it made giving him gifts difficult. Knowing he had big expectations put a lot of pressure on me. I didn’t like the stress, so my way of dealing with it was by deliberately NOT going out of my way to get him what he wanted. Sounds crummy, but I didn’t want to encourage his self-entitled behavior and cause myself even more stress in the future. Two things stand out: 1) she is uncomfortable about what you spend on her and 2) her parents are cheap. She sounds just like me. The reason why she might be uncomfortable is because that’s not what she’s accustomed to. She may not like spending a lot of money on gifts because she was raised to be frugal in that department. And when you spend a lot on her, it may make her feel as if she “owes” you, even if you don’t act like that she does. Expecting her to buy these tickets for you is expecting her to act outside her comfort zone. Maybe she rather select a gift that connects to her on a more personal level. Maybe she doesn’t want to get you something that you have actually requested, because she thinks that takes away some of the sentimental value. I know when my boyfriend asked me to buy certain gifts for him, it feel like I was paying a bill or something. It didn’t feel like a gift because he knew what I was buying. So try not to worry about it. It’s the thought behind the gift that matters. If she doesn’t get you something big and fabulous, try to understand where she’s coming from. Just because you go big when you’re buying for her doesn’t mean she should feel the need to go big for you. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2007, 4:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30th-birthday-is-it-wrong-to-expect-a-big-deal-present/415017/26 "2007-08-09T16:18:58Z")
[QUOTE=Queuing] I am sure you believe this as well, but it is not true. [/QUOTE] Exactly how many people have to tell you that they think differently than you do before you start believing that some people do, in fact, think differently than you do? A gift is only a gift when it’s given freely. When you start expecting them and raising a stink when you don’t get them, they stop being gifts, and start being the price she pays to shut you the hell up. Who wants that? ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2007, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30th-birthday-is-it-wrong-to-expect-a-big-deal-present/415017/27 "2007-08-09T16:23:41Z")
[QUOTE=Queuing] Again, not true. I don’t know anyone who did not have a big to-do for their 19th birthday. [/QUOTE] That’s really only applicable in some provinces. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![DanBlather](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/f4b2a3/32.png) [@DanBlather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DanBlather)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2007, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30th-birthday-is-it-wrong-to-expect-a-big-deal-present/415017/28 "2007-08-09T16:24:45Z")
She’s a keeper, the sooner you realize it the better chance you have of keeping her. She seems to have her priorities straight and has a good money sense. ---
**Author:** ![Who\_me\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/958977/32.png) [@Who\_me\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Who_me_1)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2007, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30th-birthday-is-it-wrong-to-expect-a-big-deal-present/415017/29 "2007-08-09T16:24:45Z")
I haven’t celebrated my birthday in 30 years beyond getting a couple of cards or going out to a bar. What’s the big deal about turning 30? I’ll be turning 50 in a few months and I’m not expecting any big deal about it (besides my mother crying again about how her children shouldn’t be this old yet ;)). ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2007, 4:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30th-birthday-is-it-wrong-to-expect-a-big-deal-present/415017/30 "2007-08-09T16:25:46Z")
Hell, if you are looking for trivial little things to get pissy at your SO over, I’d say you’ve chosen about as well as possible! 😃 Yeah, to me you are being stupid and trivial (in addition to the fact that I would probably pay someone $500 to NOT have to watch a football game!) But I’m sure my wife and I get pissed at each other over all kinds of things you consider stupid and trivial. I think the best solution might be a honest talk. _“Intellectually I know this is minor, but emotionally I find myself a little upset, and just wanted to let you know. Since we mean so much to each other and are moving in together, I think it is important that we know where each other stands in terms of gift-giving, expenditures, birthday celebrations, etc.”_ All that touchy-feely emotional chick-shit. 😉 Be better than just holding a grudge and then being in a bad mood on your birthday. ---
**Author:** ![Hal\_Briston](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a9a28c/32.png) [@Hal\_Briston](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hal_Briston)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2007, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30th-birthday-is-it-wrong-to-expect-a-big-deal-present/415017/31 "2007-08-09T16:27:36Z")
I agree, you’re being a big jerk. However, the fact that you want Eagles tickets goes a long way towards explaining that. 😃 **Go Giants!!** 😃 ---
**Author:** ![usar\_jag](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/f0a364/32.png) [@usar\_jag](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/usar_jag)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2007, 4:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30th-birthday-is-it-wrong-to-expect-a-big-deal-present/415017/32 "2007-08-09T16:28:03Z")
I haven’t expected a birthday present since I was twelve… ---
**Author:** ![Queuing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/90ced4/32.png) [@Queuing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Queuing)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2007, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30th-birthday-is-it-wrong-to-expect-a-big-deal-present/415017/33 "2007-08-09T16:31:16Z")
[QUOTE=DianaG] Exactly how many people have to tell you that they think differently than you do before you start believing that some people do, in fact, think differently than you do? A gift is only a gift when it’s given freely. When you start expecting them and raising a stink when you don’t get them, they stop being gifts, and start being the price she pays to shut you the hell up. Who wants that? [/QUOTE] When I start believing they aren’t being delusional about how they would feel if their significant other gave then absolutely nothing for their birthday. Sorry that is just the way it is and I don’t believe a word otherwise. Yes expecting a specific gift of specific monetary value is a jerkish thing to do. So is not giving anything. Plus I have made no stink. Continue however you please though. Rickjay, that is true but it is the province I have spent my whole life in. DanBlather, I realize that, thank you though. Which is why I had this conversation here. Good money sense and cheapness are not necessarily the same thing however. Her parents are cheap. She is not. Who\_me? that is fine for you. In my social group everyone celebrates their brithdays with big parties and fancy dinners. Personally I would rather not to do that as I am getting OLD and don’t think my liver can handle what these people have in store for me. I am the first of our group to turn 30. ---
**Author:** ![Hello\_Again](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/85e7bf/32.png) [@Hello\_Again](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hello_Again)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2007, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30th-birthday-is-it-wrong-to-expect-a-big-deal-present/415017/34 "2007-08-09T16:33:23Z")
[QUOTE=Queuing] The vast majority of people under 40 do want some sort of recognition from their loved ones on their birthday, particularly SO loved ones. To say otherwise is just an exercise in self delusion. [/QUOTE] I would say this statement is more true than “everyone expects a present.” Do you see how in your mind a present EQUALS recognition? I do expect that most such days will be recognized by my SO but I do not expect a present as the sole symbol of that recognition. Recognition of a special day could be anything from going out to dinner with my SO (doesn’t need to be fancy/froufrou) to something he does special for me to make me happy, like vacuum, or get up extra early to walk me to work, or bake me a wierd pink cake he finds completely revolting just cause he knows I like pink frosting. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Queuing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/90ced4/32.png) [@Queuing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Queuing)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2007, 4:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30th-birthday-is-it-wrong-to-expect-a-big-deal-present/415017/35 "2007-08-09T16:39:13Z")
[QUOTE=Hello Again] I would say this statement is more true than “everyone expects a present.” Do you see how in your mind a present EQUALS recognition? I do expect that most such days will be recognized by my SO but I do not expect a present as the sole symbol of that recognition. Recognition of a special day could be anything from going out to dinner with my SO (doesn’t need to be fancy/froufrou) to something he does special for me to make me happy, like vacuum, or get up extra early to walk me to work, or bake me a wierd pink cake he finds completely revolting just cause he knows I like pink frosting. 🙂 [/QUOTE] But those are presents. Not “big deal” presents as stated in the title but presents nonetheless. A number of you are saying it is wrong to expect a present. This is delusional. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2007, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30th-birthday-is-it-wrong-to-expect-a-big-deal-present/415017/36 "2007-08-09T16:40:50Z")
[QUOTE=Queuing] But those are presents. [/QUOTE] Going on a walk and baking a cake are presents? I think the word you’re looking for is gesture. ---
**Author:** ![DianaG](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/7ab992/32.png) [@DianaG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DianaG)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2007, 4:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30th-birthday-is-it-wrong-to-expect-a-big-deal-present/415017/37 "2007-08-09T16:43:37Z")
[QUOTE=Queuing] Sorry that is just the way it is and I don’t believe a word otherwise. [/QUOTE] What’s it like to be the only person in the world who knows how everyone else feels? ---
**Author:** ![Queuing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/90ced4/32.png) [@Queuing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Queuing)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2007, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30th-birthday-is-it-wrong-to-expect-a-big-deal-present/415017/38 "2007-08-09T16:44:19Z")
[QUOTE=you with the face] Going on a walk and baking a cake are presents? I think the word you’re looking for is gesture. [/QUOTE] I fail to see the difference. A present is something you give someone in recognition of something to show that “hey I love you” or “hey good job”. A big deal present is just that..a big deal. ---
**Author:** ![Queuing](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/90ced4/32.png) [@Queuing](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Queuing)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2007, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30th-birthday-is-it-wrong-to-expect-a-big-deal-present/415017/39 "2007-08-09T16:46:10Z")
[QUOTE=DianaG] What’s it like to be the only person in the world who knows how everyone else feels? [/QUOTE] Oh lovely. Thanks for the help. You ma’am are wonderful, and delusional. Regardless of my usage of the word “all” I have clearly stepped back from that and instead said things such as most. You can choose to act high falutin’ better then me all you want. The truth of it is people do expect things from their SO. Maybe it isn’t right, maybe there is a better way, maybe communism will work dammit! ---
**Author:** ![Shagnasty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9dc877/32.png) [@Shagnasty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shagnasty)\ **Post date:** [August 9, 2007, 4:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30th-birthday-is-it-wrong-to-expect-a-big-deal-present/415017/40 "2007-08-09T16:46:19Z")
[QUOTE=Hello Again] I would say this statement is more true than “everyone expects a present.” Do you see how in your mind a present EQUALS recognition? I do expect that most such days will be recognized by my SO but I do not expect a present as the sole symbol of that recognition. Recognition of a special day could be anything from going out to dinner with my SO (doesn’t need to be fancy/froufrou) to something he does special for me to make me happy, like vacuum, or get up extra early to walk me to work, or bake me a wierd pink cake he finds completely revolting just cause he knows I like pink frosting. 🙂 [/QUOTE] That’s the way I feel too. I rarely get something that is targeted just for me. We usually buy presents that are for the whole family and we needed to get anyway even though it might be something like a TV or digital camera. We just do a family activity sometime and go out that weekend like we usually do but I get to pick the place among the local places we usually go. It may sound boring but it isn’t and I actually like noticing “my” microwave when I use it. Other family members are the ones that give both me and my wife traditional presents and we pick fun stuff together throughout the rest of the year. I am 34 by the way and that was well in place before I was 30 as it is for most people I know whether married or not. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30th-birthday-is-it-wrong-to-expect-a-big-deal-present/415017.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/30th-birthday-is-it-wrong-to-expect-a-big-deal-present/415017.md?page=3)