# 4 reasons space aliens are stupid
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/4-reasons-space-aliens-are-stupid/124144
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [August 16, 2002, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/4-reasons-space-aliens-are-stupid/124144 "2002-08-16T03:14:53Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@chuckster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chuckster)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/4-reasons-space-aliens-are-stupid/124144/1 "2002-08-16T03:14:53Z")
There are four reasons I think space aliens, although they can obviously travel hundreds of light years to reach our planet Earth, don’t seem to have many smarts when they get here.
1. They have spaceships that are invisible to radar and can travel thousands of miles per hour through our atmosphere without making a sound, but they forget to turn their multi-colored lights off at night.
2. They try to communicate with us using crop circles with very complex patterns nobody can figure out when all they really have to do is go on Larry King or Oprah.
3. They can snatch anyone they wish into their UFOs to study at will, and no one can prevent it. Who do they capture? A Harvard Physics professor? A Pulizer prize winning novelist? No, just a couple of rednecks by the fishing hole!
4. They can read our minds, plant invisible devices into our bodies, and minuplate our DNA to create human-alien hybrids but don’t even know to use a little novacane when inserting needles into those rednecks’ private parts.
Yes, we may not be alone in the universe, but it is hard to say that space aliens qualify as INTELLIGENT LIFE!
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### Author:  [@Atreyu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Atreyu)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 3:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/4-reasons-space-aliens-are-stupid/124144/2 "2002-08-16T03:43:02Z")
Let’s not forget the fact that the aliens are apparently not very snappy dressers. Physical descriptions tend to indicate that they either walk around naked or wear some type of unicolor spandex material. The concept of fashion is seemingly unknown to them. 😃
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### Author:  [@Tripler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tripler)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 4:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/4-reasons-space-aliens-are-stupid/124144/3 "2002-08-16T04:05:17Z")
Sweet Jesus, you’d think that some visiting advanced culture, with all it’s knowledge and power to land on the White House lawn could come up with something better than “Klattu Baratu Nikto”. :smack:
And for the love of God, can’t they _stop_ with the butt probes?
Tripler
I don’t believe in aliens and I’ve never been ‘probed’.
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### Author:  [@Genseric](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Genseric)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 4:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/4-reasons-space-aliens-are-stupid/124144/4 "2002-08-16T04:13:59Z")
Yeah, they can cross interstellar distances in unimaginably advanced spacecraft, and maintain covert surveillance for decades, but the **human rectum** remains a _mystery_!
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### Author:  [@TalkingHead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TalkingHead)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/4-reasons-space-aliens-are-stupid/124144/5 "2002-08-16T05:41:02Z")
I still want to know why they keep abducting people, but can clone themselves.
If all they do is keep anal probing people, then why don’t they just clone a bunch of recta and probe the clones…
Now wait… [totally off-color] how can they be so fascinated in anal probes and not have a sense of fashion? [/totally off-color]
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### Author:  [@MrVisible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrVisible)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 5:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/4-reasons-space-aliens-are-stupid/124144/6 "2002-08-16T05:51:22Z")
Hey, have you ever considered the possibility that they’re concerned about the alarming increase in the number of colon cancer cases lately? They’re performing a valuable service: checking for polyps.
Vrshnittikavialik Ppprkakvanakaki: Intergalactic Gastroenterologist!
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### Author:  [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/4-reasons-space-aliens-are-stupid/124144/7 "2002-08-16T14:30:00Z")
And every time they kill a cow, they only take the privates and the eyeballs. What’s the matter, aliens, never heard of a good old-fashioned _hamburger_ with all the trimmings?! “More testicle and eyeball stew, Paxil?” “Why, thank you, Effexor, I will!”
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### Author:  [@El\_Elvis\_Rojo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Elvis_Rojo)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/4-reasons-space-aliens-are-stupid/124144/8 "2002-08-16T14:59:51Z")
“Oh, and I suppose you have a better idea then?”
“Yes, I do as a matter of fact. We DON’T travel fifty million light years to Earth, we DON’T Abduct some idiot in a pick up truck, and here’s the best part…we don’t do any anal probing.”
“Are you INSANE? Do you have any idea how many people intergalacting anal probing employes?!”
Ah, the Kids in the Hall, gotta love em.
What about physically? I mean, all aliens that lead invasion forces seem to be pretty fucking weak, no? Sure, Roger Corman’s aliens could kill someone just by taping them on the shoulder, but even the big baddies from Independence Day were taken out by one punch. And that was even while wearing a huge armored suit! And let’s not forget the aliens from Mars Attacks. And shit, all it takes to kill the aliens in Signs is a fucking glass of water. Physically, aliens are a bunch of wussies, that’s why they have to drug everybody they capture. They’re nothing more than a bunch of intergallacting date rapists.
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### Author:  [@Tranquilis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tranquilis)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/4-reasons-space-aliens-are-stupid/124144/9 "2002-08-16T15:04:15Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by TalkingHead \*
> \*\*Now wait… [totally off-color] how can they be so fascinated in anal probes and not have a sense of fashion? [/totally off-color] \*\*
See? That shows _just_ how alien they _are_…
:: g,d&r ::
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### Author:  [@World\_Eater](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/World_Eater)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/4-reasons-space-aliens-are-stupid/124144/10 "2002-08-16T15:06:58Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by El Elvis Rojo \*
> \*\*
> And shit, all it takes to kill the aliens in Signs is a fucking glass of water. \*\*
Not that I give a shit, but you might want to throw a spoiler up next time.
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### Author:  [@PatrickM](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PatrickM)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/4-reasons-space-aliens-are-stupid/124144/11 "2002-08-16T15:07:52Z")
They’re military tactics are poor as well. Completely disregarding the time-tested effectiveness of “Blitzkrieg”, the aliens tend to allow their attack ships to hover over the designated target cities for days at a time prior to attack, which allows us time to gather our defenses.
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### Author:  [@CRorex](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CRorex)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/4-reasons-space-aliens-are-stupid/124144/12 "2002-08-16T15:22:50Z")
Why I don’t understand is:
You are an alien, a member of a space faring species.
WHEN THE FUCK DID YOU GUYS GIVE UP THE IDEA OF PANTS!
If you were cruising around in your space ship and stumbled across a primative planet would you then get naked and run around the natives?
…
Ok ok, my roommates from college would.
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### Author:  [@UrbanChic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UrbanChic)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/4-reasons-space-aliens-are-stupid/124144/13 "2002-08-16T15:32:12Z")
Kang and Kodos agree that they have reached the limits of what rectal probing can teach them.
Juanita ‘Don’t Blame Me, I Voted for Kodos’ Tech
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### Author:  [@Homebrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Homebrew)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/4-reasons-space-aliens-are-stupid/124144/14 "2002-08-16T16:55:23Z")
> [@](#):
>
> If you were cruising around in your space ship and stumbled across a primative planet would you then get naked and run around the natives?
Damn-skippy I would.
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### Author:  [@photopat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/photopat)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/4-reasons-space-aliens-are-stupid/124144/15 "2002-08-16T20:10:17Z")
You’ve got it wrong. There’s only one spaceship. The crew are anal probe fetishists.
And, yes, they like bovine eyeball stew.
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### Author:  [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/4-reasons-space-aliens-are-stupid/124144/16 "2002-08-16T20:28:04Z")
I think aliens are decended from dogs. Their ancestors just sniffed buttholes. Aliens _probe_ them.
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### Author:  [@Belrix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Belrix)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/4-reasons-space-aliens-are-stupid/124144/17 "2002-08-16T21:05:48Z")
Two more reasons:
Can build a ship that can cross interstellar distances but:
[ul]
[1] Can hit a man running on the ground with a laser beam - targetting systems seem a bit bad
[2] Haven’t invented anti-virus software
[/ul]
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### Author:  [@Saint\_Zero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Saint_Zero)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/4-reasons-space-aliens-are-stupid/124144/18 "2002-08-16T21:57:10Z")
Why do aliens always kidnap either…
1. Idiots
2. Ex-Special Forces guys named “Butch”, who have 32 black belts.
3. Kids who seem to have six doctorates.
I mean, they never kidnap Joe Schmo out of his Clonemobile…
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### Author:  [@LindyHopper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LindyHopper)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/4-reasons-space-aliens-are-stupid/124144/19 "2002-08-16T22:51:42Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Eve \*
> **And every time they kill a cow, they only take the privates and the eyeballs.**
“You turned some of us inside out!”
“Sorry. He’s new.”
“Yeah. My bad.”
😃
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### Author:  [@GopherGod72](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GopherGod72)
#### Post date: [August 16, 2002, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/4-reasons-space-aliens-are-stupid/124144/20 "2002-08-16T22:56:12Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by chuckster \*
> **plant invisible devices into our bodies**
HEY! Dangit, those arn’t invisible… in fact I saw a show once where and implanted guy got his removed. It turns out the implants look EXACTLY like a small schard of glass!!!
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