# 65 years old, blind, suffering from dementia, and now crippled...\[update: passed away\] **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 29, 2018, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/65-years-old-blind-suffering-from-dementia-and-now-crippled-update-passed-away/820450 "2018-08-29T04:52:59Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Beckdawrek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/beckdawrek/32/3647_2.png) [@Beckdawrek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beckdawrek)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2018, 7:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/65-years-old-blind-suffering-from-dementia-and-now-crippled-update-passed-away/820450/21 "2018-08-29T07:45:20Z")
> [@Sloe\_Moe](#): > > I think the humor can be found there, and why he would chose the pit in lieu of other sub-fora. You’re a jerk. Shut the hell up. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2018, 7:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/65-years-old-blind-suffering-from-dementia-and-now-crippled-update-passed-away/820450/22 "2018-08-29T07:47:07Z")
> [@kambuckta](#): > > Why wouldn’t he post in the pit? He’s pitting the shitty circumstances that have now prevailed upon he and his wife of 35yrs. The Pit is not just a repository of political woes you know, it’s also where people come to just vent about the general pissitudes of life in general. Just like the OP did. > > Perhaps you should just crawl back under your rock (after apologising) and come back with a better attitude. > > Or you could just fuck off of course. **Sloe Moe** lives up to his username. By that, I mean he sounds like he’s posting from inside of a gin bottle. ---
**Author:** ![Covfefe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ee7513/32.png) [@Covfefe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Covfefe)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2018, 7:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/65-years-old-blind-suffering-from-dementia-and-now-crippled-update-passed-away/820450/23 "2018-08-29T07:55:54Z")
> [@Sloe\_Moe](#): > > I don’t think I misinterpreted anything in his post. And the humor is not in his story, but in the fact that it’s here in the pit. :rolleyes That’s just how the forum culture is. Sometimes threads about trying health circumstances of a loved one are started in the pit. That kind of stuff gets brought up in monthly pit threads, so it’s not much different from adding to one of those except a new thread can be expected to reach more readers. ---
**Author:** ![Quartz](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quartz/32/267_2.png) [@Quartz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quartz)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2018, 8:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/65-years-old-blind-suffering-from-dementia-and-now-crippled-update-passed-away/820450/24 "2018-08-29T08:01:53Z")
Make sure you have time to yourself. When my father had dementia, he visited a care centre twice a week for the whole day. You really do need that Power of Attorney. Something else: think about the appearance of elder abuse. You’re not going to do it, of course, but over here all it takes is for some over-zealous doctor or social worker to draw the wrong conclusion and you’d be in a world of trouble. ---
**Author:** ![Jeff\_Lichtman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jeff_lichtman/32/1531_2.png) [@Jeff\_Lichtman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jeff_Lichtman)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2018, 8:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/65-years-old-blind-suffering-from-dementia-and-now-crippled-update-passed-away/820450/25 "2018-08-29T08:02:38Z")
I’m so sorry about all of this. I’m amazed that you’ve gotten this far without collapsing. My best advice is to talk to a social worker. I don’t know what health coverage you have; I do know that Kaiser has social workers on staff, and that they can help with difficult situations like yours. A social worker can give you info about in-home nursing care and respite programs, so that your work load can be more manageable. If your health plan doesn’t provide for this, you can contact [Orange County Social Services](http://ssa.ocgov.com/). Does **kaylasmom** have an advanced directive? If so, there may be something in it about your making medical decisions for her should she be unable to make them for herself. If so, the fact that she has dementia may effectively give you power of attorney. If you don’t have a community property marriage, you should also look into getting financial power of attorney. Again, I’m really sorry. You’re in a tough situation. Physical ailments are bad enough, but dementia affects your wife’s relationship with you and also her ability to participate in her own care. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2018, 8:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/65-years-old-blind-suffering-from-dementia-and-now-crippled-update-passed-away/820450/26 "2018-08-29T08:24:06Z")
> [@Beckdawrek](#): > > Rude. I don’t think he’s pitting his sick wife. He’s pitting the terrible circumstances he finds his self in. This. > [@Sloe\_Moe](#): > > You’re a good man, Dad. Just my advice: don’t pit your wife. Not this. I’m going give you the benefit of the doubt, though; try not to screw it up. Everybody else, thanks for the kind expressions of support. ---
**Author:** ![Sloe\_Moe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8797f3/32.png) [@Sloe\_Moe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sloe_Moe)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2018, 8:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/65-years-old-blind-suffering-from-dementia-and-now-crippled-update-passed-away/820450/27 "2018-08-29T08:25:33Z")
Thanks for the pardon. Again, you’re OK. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2018, 8:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/65-years-old-blind-suffering-from-dementia-and-now-crippled-update-passed-away/820450/28 "2018-08-29T08:31:18Z")
Missed the edit window. ETA: what do you know, he screwed it up. I shouldn’t have left this message up so long before hitting “Submit.” ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2018, 8:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/65-years-old-blind-suffering-from-dementia-and-now-crippled-update-passed-away/820450/29 "2018-08-29T08:36:51Z")
> [@kaylasdad99](#): > > Missed the edit window. > > ETA: what do you know, he screwed it up. > > I shouldn’t have left this message up so long before hitting “Submit.” I’m sorry, I laughed. 😃 Take as much time as you need dude. We’ve got your back here. kam ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2018, 8:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/65-years-old-blind-suffering-from-dementia-and-now-crippled-update-passed-away/820450/30 "2018-08-29T08:56:39Z")
> [@Covfefe](#): > > That’s just how the forum culture is. Sometimes threads about trying health circumstances of a loved one are started in the pit. That kind of stuff gets brought up in monthly pit threads, so it’s not much different from adding to one of those except a new thread can be expected to reach more readers. That, and it seemed a little long for the mini-rants thread. A note about our circumstances. I’ve got a pretty well-paying job at the Post Office, but not the kind of scratch to pay for a long-term care facility. I mention in the thread title that she’s sixty-five, so one might expect her to be on Medicare. Unfortunately, she doesn’t have the forty quarters of work history necessary to qualify for free premiums for Part A. I might be able to handle her Part B premiums, but the Part A would run me over $400 per month. So she’s going to stay on my pretty good PPO plan for another three years, when I turn 65, and they let me get free Part A for both of us. ETA: Also, I work nights, so an adult daycare isn’t as available an option as it might be otherwise. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2018, 9:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/65-years-old-blind-suffering-from-dementia-and-now-crippled-update-passed-away/820450/31 "2018-08-29T09:01:53Z")
**Sloe Moe** , we’re cool. ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2018, 9:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/65-years-old-blind-suffering-from-dementia-and-now-crippled-update-passed-away/820450/32 "2018-08-29T09:08:53Z")
> [@kaylasdad99](#): > > A note about our circumstances. I’ve got a pretty well-paying job at the Post Office, but not the kind of scratch to pay for a long-term care facility. I mention in the thread title that she’s sixty-five, so one might expect her to be on Medicare. Unfortunately, she doesn’t have the forty quarters of work history necessary to qualify for free premiums for Part A. I might be able to handle her Part B premiums, but the Part A would run me over $400 per month. So she’s going to stay on my pretty good PPO plan for another three years, when I turn 65, and they let me get free Part A for both of us. > > ETA: Also, I work nights, so an adult daycare isn’t as available an option as it might be otherwise. Every time someone posts about the US health-care labyrinth my head has a mini-explosion. But however you can manage it, good luck! And as mentioned above, take care of yourself too, if not for yourself then for kaylasmum. Without you being well and on the ball, she won’t have an advocate for her best care practices. I think you already know that the dementia diagnosis is a foregone conclusion. Be prepared for the grieving that happens, but have some shit in place to deal with the practical changes that are going to have to take place. And we’re here to listen every step of the way mate. ---
**Author:** ![iiandyiiii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/iiandyiiii/32/7924_2.png) [@iiandyiiii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iiandyiiii)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2018, 9:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/65-years-old-blind-suffering-from-dementia-and-now-crippled-update-passed-away/820450/33 "2018-08-29T09:34:56Z")
Condolences and best wishes in this rough time, OP. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2018, 9:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/65-years-old-blind-suffering-from-dementia-and-now-crippled-update-passed-away/820450/34 "2018-08-29T09:55:03Z")
Sorry to hear… And you need to take care of your own mental health, too. Sounds overwhelming. ---
**Author:** ![blob](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blob/32/489_2.png) [@blob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blob)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2018, 9:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/65-years-old-blind-suffering-from-dementia-and-now-crippled-update-passed-away/820450/35 "2018-08-29T09:55:36Z")
It sounds awful to have to be dealing with so much. You say you’ve discussed it with your sister, is her sister involved? Sometimes, I think it can help if others are there to share the stress/decision making. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2018, 10:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/65-years-old-blind-suffering-from-dementia-and-now-crippled-update-passed-away/820450/36 "2018-08-29T10:20:04Z")
**Kaylasauntie** (that is, the one who shares Kayla’s birthday; I mean the one on her mother’s side who shares Kayla’s birthday) has herself recently checked herself into an elder-care facility 300 miles north of us. My sister moved to Michigan a few years back. The only sister I have still in California doesn’t really care for **kaylasmom**. ---
**Author:** ![blob](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blob/32/489_2.png) [@blob](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blob)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2018, 10:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/65-years-old-blind-suffering-from-dementia-and-now-crippled-update-passed-away/820450/37 "2018-08-29T10:24:35Z")
> [@kaylasdad99](#): > > The only sister I have still in California doesn’t really care for **kaylasmom**. But that’s not really the point, is it? It’s whether she cares for you and can offer you some support. I had a friend whose mother got Alzheimer’s and she had her sister and I think her mum had siblings, so it all didn’t just fall on one person. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2018, 10:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/65-years-old-blind-suffering-from-dementia-and-now-crippled-update-passed-away/820450/38 "2018-08-29T10:26:04Z")
> [@Quartz](#): > > Make sure you have time to yourself. When my father had dementia, he visited a care centre twice a week for the whole day. ^ This… If you don’t take care of yourself you can’t take anyone else. Also, our society has a very, very bad habit of neglecting and ignoring the needs of caregivers. > [@](#): > > You really do need that Power of Attorney. ^ This. > [@](#): > > Something else: think about the appearance of elder abuse. You’re not going to do it, of course, but over here all it takes is for some over-zealous doctor or social worker to draw the wrong conclusion and you’d be in a world of trouble. ^ And this. Very much this. Between the broken ankle and the bruising, and her paranoia, it WILL happen. She is going to tell someone that you did something to her (like her notion you broke her ankle to ship her off the hospital) and then you’re going to lose control of the situation. > [@Jeff\_Lichtman](#): > > I’m so sorry about all of this. I’m amazed that you’ve gotten this far without collapsing. Same. I was exhausted just reading it. > [@](#): > > Does **kaylasmom** have an advanced directive? If so, there may be something in it about your making medical decisions for her should she be unable to make them for herself. If so, the fact that she has dementia may effectively give you power of attorney. > > If you don’t have a community property marriage, you should also look into getting financial power of attorney. Do NOT assume anything! Do NOT assume anything is automatic! Regardless of what sort of marriage you have get that power of attorney as soon as possible. Due to her condition you might have to go in front of a judge for that, as her mental capabilities are already compromised. I _strongly_ suggest you consult with a lawyer family with family law in your state. Yes, it will cost you a little bit of money but it will save you a great deal fo grief and money down the line. He/she will help you set up power of attorney, warn you of pitfalls, help with future planning, and so forth. It will be money well spent. Despite 30 years of marriage I encountered problems with managing my spouse’s final months. Having a legal document that said I could make decisions on his behalf greatly simplified many things. ---
**Author:** ![Razncain](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9d8465/32.png) [@Razncain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Razncain)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2018, 10:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/65-years-old-blind-suffering-from-dementia-and-now-crippled-update-passed-away/820450/39 "2018-08-29T10:37:01Z")
**kaylasdad99** , judging from your your username, is there a daughter that can be of some help to you that is near by? Or would you rather not burden her? If not her, any of your wife’s siblings or yours that is of retirement age, or any friends or neighbors that could possibly relieve you on a regular basis? Your top priority is actually taking care of yourself right now. You won’t be any good to your wife if you are the full-time caretaker and not getting any relief yourself. I was fortunate enough to where my siblings and I didn’t move off, but stayed in the same city. And with one brother retiring early, and my small biz pretty much running itself, it allows us both every other month to take care of my dad then have a full month off. Not having that, I wouldn’t want to speculate of what would have came of us. ---
**Author:** ![TheFaerie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c57346/32.png) [@TheFaerie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheFaerie)\ **Post date:** [August 29, 2018, 1:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/65-years-old-blind-suffering-from-dementia-and-now-crippled-update-passed-away/820450/40 "2018-08-29T13:28:08Z")
This is heartbreaking. I’ve always admired you, **Kaylasdad** and how deeply you care for your family. Please know that this internet person cares about you. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/65-years-old-blind-suffering-from-dementia-and-now-crippled-update-passed-away/820450.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/65-years-old-blind-suffering-from-dementia-and-now-crippled-update-passed-away/820450.md?page=3)