# 95% of Americans Forced Into Boot Camp! News at 11. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 8, 1999, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/95-of-americans-forced-into-boot-camp-news-at-11/9171 "1999-10-08T18:38:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Drain\_Bead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e47774/32.png) [@Drain\_Bead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Drain_Bead)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 1999, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/95-of-americans-forced-into-boot-camp-news-at-11/9171/1 "1999-10-08T18:38:00Z")
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahahahaha… Oh, man, did I need that laugh. [www.geocities.com/CapitolHill/Senate/2680](http://www.geocities.com/CapitolHill/Senate/2680) Now that I think of it, I probably shouldn’t be laughing. I LIKE sausage! ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 1999, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/95-of-americans-forced-into-boot-camp-news-at-11/9171/2 "1999-10-08T18:47:00Z")
I forwarded this link toa ll my friends! They must be saved!!! * * * “Love given when it is inconvenient is the greatest love of all. Kindnesses that are shared at a high cost to oneself are the most dear.” Don’t know who said it, but I like it. ---
**Author:** ![Falcon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/49beb7/32.png) [@Falcon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Falcon)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 1999, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/95-of-americans-forced-into-boot-camp-news-at-11/9171/3 "1999-10-08T18:53:00Z")
\< snort \> Oh lord…no WONDER I’m nearsighted! (Or wait, was that too much information?) * * * “You have to laugh at yourself, because you’d cry your eyes out if you didn’t.” -Emily Saliers ---
**Author:** ![kellibelli](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e480ec/32.png) [@kellibelli](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kellibelli)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 1999, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/95-of-americans-forced-into-boot-camp-news-at-11/9171/4 "1999-10-08T19:03:00Z")
That was a joke right? They werent serious were they? I mean really, if they slice up all the sausage etc…what about vibrating recliners … mmmmmmmmmm OH! :o New _that_ is too much information! 😉 Post #994… ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Jackson](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctor_jackson/32/32_2.png) [@Doctor\_Jackson](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Jackson)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 1999, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/95-of-americans-forced-into-boot-camp-news-at-11/9171/5 "1999-10-08T19:12:00Z")
I was really enjoying this article. Imagine my surprise when I got to item #3 under “What You Can Do”: > [@](#): > > 1. If you Masturbate, stop doing so AT ONCE! ## I think I busted a blood vessel. The overwhelming majority of people have more than the average (mean) number of legs. – E. Grebenik ---
**Author:** ![Ukulele\_Ike](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/df788c/32.png) [@Ukulele\_Ike](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ukulele_Ike)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 1999, 7:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/95-of-americans-forced-into-boot-camp-news-at-11/9171/6 "1999-10-08T19:31:00Z")
I think it would have been funnier if it read “If you are Masturbating NOW, STOP!” Sorry, it’s the editor in me. ---
**Author:** ![BoBettie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@BoBettie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoBettie)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 1999, 10:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/95-of-americans-forced-into-boot-camp-news-at-11/9171/7 "1999-10-08T22:36:00Z")
## What a bunch of freaks…then again, I have been a little depressed, nearsighted, weak and …what was the other thing? That’s it…I’m throwing away all my cucumbers (I always get the biggest ones), sausages (especially the bratwurst) and pitching my vibrator out the window! I repent! I’m soooooooory! (Actually, I’m masturbating right now…) 😉 Some mornings it just doesn’t seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. [http://www.angelfire.com/ny3/zettecity/index.html](http://www.angelfire.com/ny3/zettecity/index.html) ---
**Author:** ![manhattan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/manhattan/32/7_2.png) [@manhattan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/manhattan)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 1999, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/95-of-americans-forced-into-boot-camp-news-at-11/9171/8 "1999-10-08T22:44:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Masturbation is more dangerous than smoking. Perhaps, but they don’t make a patch for _that_, now do they? * * * Livin’ on Tums, Vitamin E and Rogaine ---
**Author:** ![Frankie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/258eb7/32.png) [@Frankie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frankie)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 1999, 10:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/95-of-americans-forced-into-boot-camp-news-at-11/9171/9 "1999-10-08T22:54:00Z")
You notice how big they wrote everything right?? I wonder why??? Maybe their eyesight is failing??? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![StrTrkr777](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/fbc32d/32.png) [@StrTrkr777](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/StrTrkr777)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 1999, 11:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/95-of-americans-forced-into-boot-camp-news-at-11/9171/10 "1999-10-08T23:13:00Z")
Zette, I think you definitely shared a little too much info with us. You sure type well with one hand though. Jeffery ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [October 8, 1999, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/95-of-americans-forced-into-boot-camp-news-at-11/9171/11 "1999-10-08T23:22:00Z")
Hey, Zette…did you see the MPSIMS thread with my name on it? Heheheheheheheheh… 😉 😉 😉 😉 * * * “If you drive an automobile, please drive carefully–because I walk in my sleep.”–Victor Borge ---
**Author:** ![Sylence](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b19c9b/32.png) [@Sylence](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sylence)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 1999, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/95-of-americans-forced-into-boot-camp-news-at-11/9171/12 "1999-10-09T00:25:00Z")
“Surveys have repeatedly shown that up to 5% of Americans don’t Masturbate.” _UP TO FIVE PERCENT_? That’s terrible! We have to do something about that right away! Get Playboy on the line! – Sylence * * * “The problem with reality is the lack of background music.” – Anon ---
**Author:** ![Momotaro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/2bfe46/32.png) [@Momotaro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Momotaro)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 1999, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/95-of-americans-forced-into-boot-camp-news-at-11/9171/13 "1999-10-09T01:32:00Z")
I can’t tell if it’s joke or not. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Raven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dbc845/32.png) [@The\_Raven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Raven)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 1999, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/95-of-americans-forced-into-boot-camp-news-at-11/9171/14 "1999-10-09T02:33:00Z")
If they are serious, I think I will mail my senator, like they ask. And tell my senator to declare a national holiday so we can all go and throw rocks at them. …or maybe cucumbers… hee hee hee…Oh, lord, this is too funny. * * * Personally, I’d have no problem living in a country governed by an evil dictator. As long as **I** got to be that evil dictator. ---
**Author:** ![BoBettie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@BoBettie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoBettie)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 1999, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/95-of-americans-forced-into-boot-camp-news-at-11/9171/15 "1999-10-09T02:41:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Zette, I think you definitely shared a little too much info with us. You sure type well with one hand though. ## Who said anything about hands? 😉 Some mornings it just doesn’t seem worth it to gnaw through the leather straps. [http://www.angelfire.com/ny3/zettecity/index.html](http://www.angelfire.com/ny3/zettecity/index.html) ---
**Author:** ![Pixoid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Pixoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pixoid)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 1999, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/95-of-americans-forced-into-boot-camp-news-at-11/9171/16 "1999-10-09T02:55:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Remove your child’s bedroom door (they need privacy to Masturbate) and warn him or her daily about the dangers of Masturbation. Mom, what happened to my door? Oh, I took it away. The bathroom door’s coming down, too, as soon as my back gets better. Don’t you forget about the **DANGERS OF MASTURBATION!!** Oh, and have a nice day at school. ---
**Author:** ![TVeblen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/4bbf92/32.png) [@TVeblen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TVeblen)\ **Post date:** [October 9, 1999, 8:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/95-of-americans-forced-into-boot-camp-news-at-11/9171/17 "1999-10-09T08:24:00Z")
We are indeed fortunate to live in a time and in a country where serious public health issues like this can be addressed. Now if the mainstream medical community will just respond! Appropriately, that is. (Doctor Jackson, stop tha whooping and whinnying immediately!) Why, in years of wearing corrective lenses, not ONE of my eye doctors has even mentioned this! Why, it’s a known fact that many people need to wear glasses as they get older. Wait a minute, does that mean that all of them…and they’re using walkers…oh, dear, the implications are just horrifying. Squinting through her pince nez, Veb ---
**Author:** ![AuraSeer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c2a13f/32.png) [@AuraSeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AuraSeer)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 1999, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/95-of-americans-forced-into-boot-camp-news-at-11/9171/18 "1999-10-10T04:36:00Z")
> [@](#): > > Prison studies have proven that over 90% of rapists have Masturbated in the > week before committing their crime. > [@](#): > > Surveys have repeatedly shown that up to 5% of Americans don’t Masturbate. Assuming this is true, let’s analyze: 5% of all Americans do not masturbate. 10% of prison populations do not masturbate. Seems to me that a masturbator is _less_ likely to go to prison than a non-masturbator. * * * Laugh hard; it’s a long way to the bank. ---
**Author:** ![neuro-trash\_grrrl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/3ab097/32.png) [@neuro-trash\_grrrl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/neuro-trash_grrrl)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 1999, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/95-of-americans-forced-into-boot-camp-news-at-11/9171/19 "1999-10-10T22:59:00Z")
You’ll have to take this vibrator out of my cold dead hands! Or somewhere… * * * Modest? You bet I’m modest! I am the queen of modesty! ---
**Author:** ![Kamino\_Neko](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kamino_neko/32/34_2.png) [@Kamino\_Neko](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kamino_Neko)\ **Post date:** [October 10, 1999, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/95-of-americans-forced-into-boot-camp-news-at-11/9171/20 "1999-10-10T23:26:00Z")
You noticed that too, eh, Aura? Though I thought it was clever how they used they used ‘90% do’ for the prison population and ‘5% don’t’ for the general population, so that it would be harder to notice that. Or am I giving them too much credit? * * * ‘They couldn’t hit an Elephant from this dist…!’ Last words of General John Sedgwick [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/95-of-americans-forced-into-boot-camp-news-at-11/9171.md?page=2)