# 99 frills we can eliminate from commercial flights **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 22, 2007, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/99-frills-we-can-eliminate-from-commercial-flights/405030 "2007-05-22T04:03:47Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2007, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/99-frills-we-can-eliminate-from-commercial-flights/405030/1 "2007-05-22T04:03:47Z")
So [Skybus Airlines](http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/18785438/) is about to hit the skies tomorrow (Tuesday, May 22), and they say they’ll offer at least ten $10 tickets on each flight. They offer a pretty scaled-back flight, as far as frills go. But certain things passengers can upgrade for (food, priority boarding, etc.) I say, there’s still too many damn frills. $10?? I want to fly for $9 or less. Here are some things I’d like to see (or not see) offered by an airline: -No bathrooms. I have never used a bathroom on an airplane in my life, so I don’t want to have to pay for this wasteful luxury. I guess for emergencies, they could install a drain in the back of the plane, with a shower curtain around it and a hose to wash down the waste. Charge people $5 to use it. -Eliminate the shower curtain from around the hose ‘n’ drain. -Eliminate seats. Let people mingle. If you absolutely need to sit (ya pussy), let people bring folding chairs, but charge them for the privilege, like $10. If someone forgets to bring a chair, and they absolutely have to sit, the airline can rent them one for like $25/hr. And when I say one, I mean ‘one.’ Each flight only has one rental chair, so it’s first-come-first-serve. -Obviously, no food or beverage service. If people are caught bringing their own stuff on board, charge 'em a “bread and bottle fee.” Like $15. -We don’t need a full-time co-pilot. When the pilot doesn’t need him, instead of reading the latest issue of _Teen People_ or daydreaming out the window, the co-pilot can head back and serve as a bouncer or something. Or he can guard the drain and make sure no one uses it without paying. -No baggage, no storage bins, no carry-ons. You’re only allowed to bring onto the plane what you’re wearing or can carry in your pockets. Obviously, layering is essential. -Reduce the need for jet fuel by installing solar panels. I mean, come on, if anything should be using solar energy, it’s a friggin’ airplane. -No in-flight magazines, movies, music, SkyMall or phones. -BYOBB. Bring your own barf bag. Feel free to add to the list. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2007, 4:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/99-frills-we-can-eliminate-from-commercial-flights/405030/2 "2007-05-22T04:21:56Z")
[QUOTE=Happy Lendervedder] -No baggage, no storage bins, no carry-ons. You’re only allowed to bring onto the plane what you’re wearing or can carry in your pockets. Obviously, layering is essential. [/QUOTE] Excuse me sir, what is that one, two, three, four, four layers, that’ll be another $15. ---
**Author:** ![Mbossa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/73ab20/32.png) [@Mbossa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mbossa)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2007, 4:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/99-frills-we-can-eliminate-from-commercial-flights/405030/3 "2007-05-22T04:22:57Z")
[QUOTE=Happy Lendervedder] -We don’t need a full-time co-pilot. When the pilot doesn’t need him, instead of reading the latest issue of _Teen People_ or daydreaming out the window, the co-pilot can head back and serve as a bouncer or something. Or he can guard the drain and make sure no one uses it without paying. [/QUOTE] Hell, we don’t even need a full-time pilot! The pilot’s only really needed for the tricky bits; the rest of the time he can do stuff out the back and leave the autopilot to do its job. And the pilot is travelling too, so why should he be exempt from paying for a ticket? Huh? We could even do away with pilots as a job position altogether and just offer a $2 discount or something to the first passenger with a pilot’s licence to book a ticket. ---
**Author:** ![SnakesCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@SnakesCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakesCatLady)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2007, 4:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/99-frills-we-can-eliminate-from-commercial-flights/405030/4 "2007-05-22T04:25:37Z")
Bring your own pillow and blanket - for a $10 surcharge. ---
**Author:** ![lokij](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/5e9695/32.png) [@lokij](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lokij)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2007, 4:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/99-frills-we-can-eliminate-from-commercial-flights/405030/5 "2007-05-22T04:27:45Z")
I’ve never understood the ‘need’ for pressurized cabins. Let people purchase their own oxygen supplies and wear masks while aboard (or rent them if you’re cheap). If you run out of O2 mid flight that’s your problem, not mine. Oh yeah, dress warmly too… no heating. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2007, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/99-frills-we-can-eliminate-from-commercial-flights/405030/6 "2007-05-22T04:29:35Z")
You guys are thinkin’! Keep it up and you could be commercial airline CEOs someday. -Carpet? Wasteful. -Exterior paint job with fancy lettering on the side of the plane? Wasteful. -Don’t most planes have two panes of plexiglass on the windows? I only see a need for one. ---
**Author:** ![El\_Kabong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_kabong/32/496_2.png) [@El\_Kabong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Kabong)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2007, 4:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/99-frills-we-can-eliminate-from-commercial-flights/405030/7 "2007-05-22T04:31:40Z")
Put the passengers in scaled-up pet containers, drug them so they don’t want to leap around and go to the bathroom, and load them as cargo. Too extreme? Well, at the very least, Air Tran could scrap the ounce 0.25 (yes, that’s correct) bags of pretzels they used to (and probably still do) hand out to economy-class passengers. I once worked out that they carried less than two pounds of “food” per hundred passengers, and I bet if they could have figured out a way to dispense with drinks as well (much, much heavier per pax) they would have done so. Sorry, but after flying with them through Atlanta every two weeks for more than a year, I loathe Air Tran. ---
**Author:** ![SnakesCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@SnakesCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakesCatLady)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2007, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/99-frills-we-can-eliminate-from-commercial-flights/405030/8 "2007-05-22T04:32:18Z")
[QUOTE=Happy Lendervedder] You guys are thinkin’! Keep it up and you could be commercial airline CEOs someday. -Carpet? Wasteful. -Exterior paint job with fancy lettering on the side of the plane? Wasteful. -Don’t most planes have two panes of plexiglass on the windows? I only see a need for one. [/QUOTE] Windows? We don’t need no stinkin’ windows! Save on the cost of the plane! And if you put bunks up where the overhead storage compartments used to be, you’ll have room for a few more passengers. Of course, really tall people probably won’t want to pay the $25 surcharge for a bunk since you must remain in it the entire flight and it is only 5 feet long… ---
**Author:** ![fachverwirrt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/94ad74/32.png) [@fachverwirrt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fachverwirrt)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2007, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/99-frills-we-can-eliminate-from-commercial-flights/405030/9 "2007-05-22T04:32:38Z")
Why the hell do we need an enclosed cabin? Dammit, the Red Baron didn’t need a roof! Goggles and scarves available for a $25 surcharge. Leather flight jacket: $50. ---
**Author:** ![Happy\_Lendervedder](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/happy_lendervedder/32/8488_2.png) [@Happy\_Lendervedder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Happy_Lendervedder)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2007, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/99-frills-we-can-eliminate-from-commercial-flights/405030/10 "2007-05-22T04:44:38Z")
-Whenever I see news footage of an airplane landing without its landing gear down, I see a lot of sparks and whatnot, but I’ve never actually seen a plane blow up or anything like that. Which makes me think wheels on an airplane are merely a luxury and can be safely eliminated. -Offer wing seats at a discount. Well, you’d more strapped in a horizontal position than “sitting.” But instead of the wing flaps moving automatically when the pilot pushes a button, the person strapped to the wing would receive a minor “tingle” when it was time to manually adjust the flaps. This would no doubt save on mechanical and electronic do-hickies. -I’m pretty sure rope bridges are cheaper than jetways or airstairs. ---
**Author:** ![CairoCarol](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cairocarol/32/3825_2.png) [@CairoCarol](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CairoCarol)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2007, 7:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/99-frills-we-can-eliminate-from-commercial-flights/405030/11 "2007-05-22T07:59:27Z")
My friend the pilot says not to worry if I’m ever on a flight and an engine goes out … “planes can fly safely with one engine.” Okay. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2007, 9:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/99-frills-we-can-eliminate-from-commercial-flights/405030/12 "2007-05-22T09:01:46Z")
The whole concept of a plane is unnecessary; just get the passengers to stick out their arms, make plane noises and run along the ground to their destination. ---
**Author:** ![TygerDralion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e19adc/32.png) [@TygerDralion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TygerDralion)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2007, 9:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/99-frills-we-can-eliminate-from-commercial-flights/405030/13 "2007-05-22T09:22:09Z")
Just put them in pods Matrix-style and they can pay you AND provide you with their energy, just so long as you let them THINK they’ve gone somewhere. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2007, 9:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/99-frills-we-can-eliminate-from-commercial-flights/405030/14 "2007-05-22T09:33:40Z")
Why go to that much trouble? - If you word the terms and conditions carefully enough, you can just take their money, tell them they’ve already had their flight and refuse to discuss it further. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2007, 9:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/99-frills-we-can-eliminate-from-commercial-flights/405030/15 "2007-05-22T09:34:14Z")
We don’t need all that expensive metal and fuel. Just fold a very large piece of paper up into a plane, stick the passengers into the crease, and launch with a really big rubber band. With first class passengers, we’ll splash some glue on them to make sure they don’t slide out. ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2007, 10:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/99-frills-we-can-eliminate-from-commercial-flights/405030/16 "2007-05-22T10:46:11Z")
Get additional subsidies from the Strategic Air Command. Each flight can carry a nuclear payload and while flying be on in flight alert. Passengers will have to be warned of possible major detours and the advisability of bringing dark glasses, very dark glasses. ---
**Author:** ![Joey\_P](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/919ad9/32.png) [@Joey\_P](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Joey_P)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2007, 11:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/99-frills-we-can-eliminate-from-commercial-flights/405030/17 "2007-05-22T11:31:58Z")
_Two_ wings. Whaddaya think we’re made of money here. ---
**Author:** ![Winston\_Smith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e95f7d/32.png) [@Winston\_Smith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Winston_Smith)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2007, 12:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/99-frills-we-can-eliminate-from-commercial-flights/405030/18 "2007-05-22T12:21:44Z")
$9 for a _plane ride_?!? Pffft. SmithAir can _Catapult_ you there for $4.99. $4.99 Catpulting special valid only nights, weekends and holidays. Some restrictions apply. Tax title and hospitalization not included. _All_ luggage must be Catapulted separately, at a charge of $1/Catapulting. ---
**Author:** ![Ale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@Ale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ale)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2007, 12:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/99-frills-we-can-eliminate-from-commercial-flights/405030/19 "2007-05-22T12:22:09Z")
Fuel costs too much and oil may go dry anytime soon, so it´s time for alternative power sources; and by alternative I mean galley style benches with pedals on them, if you want to fly sweat it buster! For 10 bucks you can drum the rythm for 30 minutes, popping 25 will grant you 15 minutes with the whip encouraging the slackers to put more effort into it. ---
**Author:** ![chowder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/977dab/32.png) [@chowder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chowder)\ **Post date:** [May 22, 2007, 12:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/99-frills-we-can-eliminate-from-commercial-flights/405030/20 "2007-05-22T12:29:38Z")
[QUOTE=Ale] Fuel costs too much and oil may go dry anytime soon, so it´s time for alternative power sources; and by alternative I mean galley style benches with pedals on them, if you want to fly sweat it buster! For 10 bucks you can drum the rythm for 30 minutes, popping 25 will grant you 15 minutes with the whip encouraging the slackers to put more effort into it. [/QUOTE] And of course there’s always sail power. Surprised this hasn’t been mentioned earlier. A few dirty great flagpoles sticking out of the stripped down fuselage with double bedsheets attached to 'em. As an extra booster there could be blokes strapped to the fuselage holding bellows just waiting for the order to pump like mad [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/99-frills-we-can-eliminate-from-commercial-flights/405030.md?page=2)