# \_Enterprise!\_ **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [July 24, 2003, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711 "2003-07-24T20:28:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2003, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/1 "2003-07-24T20:28:09Z")
_ **Enterprise!** _ by David Zucker, Jim Abrahams, and Jerry Zucker DR. PHLOX: “Can you fly this starship and land it?” MALCOM: “Surely you can’t be serious.” DR. PHLOX: “I am serious. And don’t call me Shirley.” ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2003, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/2 "2003-07-24T20:30:20Z")
ARCHER: “We’ve got to get to the shuttle bay.” TRIP: “The shuttle bay? What is it?” ARCHER: “It’s the deck where shuttlecraft take off and land, but that’s not important right now.” ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2003, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/3 "2003-07-24T20:53:31Z")
ARCHER to MAYWEATHER: “T’Pol just isn’t the same since she developed that drinking problem.” _They look at T’Pol._ _T’Pol lifts a glass and sticks the straw in her eye._ ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d26b3c/32.png) [@Mr.Blue\_Sky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Blue_Sky)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2003, 9:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/4 "2003-07-24T21:31:33Z")
ARCHER to T’POL: “Decontamination cream?” T’POL: “Yes. It is.” ---
**Author:** ![Tangent](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tangent/32/3098_2.png) [@Tangent](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tangent)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2003, 9:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/5 "2003-07-24T21:53:27Z")
Captain Archer: “Trip, do you like it when Porthos holds on to your leg and rubs up and down?” ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2003, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/6 "2003-07-24T22:10:09Z")
TRIP: “… and that was when Shuttlepod One lost power, and I knew I’d have to make an emergency landing. So I flew in low.” ARCHER: “Over the Arkonian moon?” TRIP: “No, I don’t think I’ll ever be over the Arkonian moon.” ---
**Author:** ![lawoot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/35a633/32.png) [@lawoot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lawoot)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2003, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/7 "2003-07-24T22:20:46Z")
ARCHER: So, Hoshi - Ever been on a starship before? HOSHI - No, Sir. ARCHER: Ever seen a grown man naked? * * * ARCHER: This nebula is getting thicker! Johnny: And Dr Phlox is getting laaaaarrrrrger! * * * ARCHER: Hoshi, do you like movies about gladiators? * * * T’POL: Nervous? HOSHI: Yes. T’POL: First time? HOSHI: No, I’ve been nervous lots of times. * * * ARCHER: Hoshi, have you ever been to a Klingon prison? * * * ---
**Author:** ![Encinitas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@Encinitas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Encinitas)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2003, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/8 "2003-07-24T22:21:42Z")
COMPUTER VOICE: “Now arriving in Shuttle Bay 1…Shuttle Bay 2…Shuttle Bay 3…” ---
**Author:** ![Skammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skammer/32/143_2.png) [@Skammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skammer)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2003, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/9 "2003-07-24T22:27:43Z")
HOSHI: Excuse me, Captain, I speak jive… * * * ARCHER: Last time we blasted our way out, but this is a completely different situation, altogether. CREW, ALL TOGETHER: This is a completely different situation. * * * TRIP: Looks like I picked the wrong day to quit pecan pies. ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2003, 10:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/10 "2003-07-24T22:34:10Z")
TRIP: “The intermix ratio! I forgot to check the antimatter intermix ratio! When the Captain finds out, the shit’s _really_ gonna hit the fan!” _ **SPLAT!** _ ---
**Author:** ![Snooooopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Snooooopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snooooopy)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2003, 10:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/11 "2003-07-24T22:38:05Z")
TRIP: Connor! CONNOR: OK. Hey, Hoshi, how about you give me two twenties for a ten? ---
**Author:** ![photopat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e95f7d/32.png) [@photopat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/photopat)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2003, 10:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/12 "2003-07-24T22:39:50Z")
Hoshi: T’Pol, what’s wrong with him? T’Pol: The captain? He thinks he’s William Shatner. Shatner jumps up from a bed dressed as Archer and starts “singing” **Lucy in the Sky**. Flox grabs him and drags him back to bed. ---
**Author:** ![Snooooopy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ee7513/32.png) [@Snooooopy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snooooopy)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2003, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/13 "2003-07-24T22:46:28Z")
Hmm … I have a fictional character talking to the actor who plays him. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2003, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/14 "2003-07-24T23:25:08Z")
MALCOLM: Captain! The Suliban are boarding us… TRIP: And the warp engines are offline! QUANTUM: Both? Together? MALCOLM & TRIP: [deep breath] Captain! The Suliban are boarding us and the warp engines are offline! * * * QUANTUM [just after having been rescued from a month long dealy…]: Okay. Fill me in on everything. Start from the beginning. T’POL [furrowing her brow]: First the Universal Singularity exploded, and then came the Old Ones. But they got too big and fat… * * * GUEST STAR OF THE WEEK: Are you familiar with the Daystrom Institute? QUANTUM, TRIPP, MALCOLM, TRAVIS, PHLOX: We’ve heard of it! ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2003, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/15 "2003-07-24T23:29:30Z")
KLINGON [on viewscreen]: “What are the local conditions on the planet below?” ARCHER [to Hoshi]: “Rain.” HOSHI [into English-to-Klingon translation device]: “Rain.” ARCHER [to Hoshi]: “And a little ice.” HOSHI [into translator]: “And a little ice.” KLINGON [on viewscreen]: “Okay, Archer, you’re doing just fine.” ARCHER [muttering]: “It’s a damn good thing he doesn’t know how much I hate his guts.” HOSHI [into translator]: “It’s a damn good thing you don’t know how much he hates your guts.” ---
**Author:** ![kasuo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8c91f0/32.png) [@kasuo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kasuo)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2003, 11:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/16 "2003-07-24T23:33:37Z")
Mayweather: “That’s strange.” (blinking light on panel displays “Strange”) ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [July 24, 2003, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/17 "2003-07-24T23:58:59Z")
_[After the closing credits for the episode, Hoshi is shown still sitting in Shuttlepod One, waiting for Trip to return and fly her back to Enterprise.]_ HOSHI: “Well, I’ll give him another 20 minutes. But that’s it.” ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2003, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/18 "2003-07-25T00:07:15Z")
This thread is wrong in so many ways… But I don’t want to be right! ---
**Author:** ![if6was9](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/e47c2d/32.png) [@if6was9](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/if6was9)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2003, 12:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/19 "2003-07-25T00:52:29Z")
[Golly!] ---
**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2003, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/20 "2003-07-25T01:21:40Z")
Archer, holding out coffee mug: “Coffee, Hoshi?” Hoshi: “No thanks!” Trip, calling from Engineering as the ship is struck by weapons fire: “Auntie Em, Auntie Em, it’s a twister, it’s a twister!” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711.md?page=2)