# \_Enterprise!\_ **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [July 24, 2003, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711 "2003-07-24T20:28:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2003, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/41 "2003-07-25T23:34:19Z")
_[In last season’s finale, Archer and Admiral what’s-his-face are slowly flying their shuttlepod around the drydock where NX-02 is being built, admiring the view]_ VOICEOVER #1: “The red zone is for immediate loading and unloading of shuttlecraft only. There is no hovering in a white zone.” VOICEOVER #2: “No, the white zone is for loading and unloading. There’s no hovering in a red zone.” VOICEOVER #1: “Don’t you tell _me_ which zone is for loading, and which zone is for unloading!” VOICEOVER #2: “Look Betty, don’t start up with your white zone shit again. There’s just no hovering in a red zone!” VOICEOVER #1: “Oh really, Vernon? Why pretend? We both know perfectly well what this is about. You want me to have a transporter abortion!” VOICEOVER #2: “It’s really the only sensible thing to do, if its done safely. Therapeutically there’s no danger involved.” ---
**Author:** ![if6was9](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/e47c2d/32.png) [@if6was9](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/if6was9)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2003, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/42 "2003-07-26T02:22:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bruce\_Daddy \* > \*\*Archer: So Trip, do you want to be on the side of goodness or badness? > > Trip: I wanna be on the side of goodness. > > Archer: Good! Good! That’s my boy. > > I know I probably fucked that up real good. \*\* Aw, this is just out of control! ARCHER: You call this a Vulcan temple? Biggest waste of prime real estate in the Galaxy! I’d build condos over there, a mall over there…" Topol: P P P P P P Malcolm: Cinderella boy. This former engineer, ABOUT to become a Starship Captain! Topol (to that rogue Vulcan): How 'bout a Fresca? Archer (to Malcolm): Ummm. Yeah! I’m gonna need those TPS reprts, RIGHT away! ---
**Author:** ![Monstre](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e274bd/32.png) [@Monstre](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monstre)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2003, 3:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/43 "2003-07-26T03:14:28Z")
_camera pans, we hear crew member’s thoughts_ ARCHER: They’re never going to make it… TRIP: They’re all going to die… TRAVIS: Did I leave the sonic shower on? ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2003, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/44 "2003-07-26T18:22:49Z")
_[The news appears on the data screen, and the H.Q. staff read it]_ ADMIRAL #1: “_Enterprise_ crew certain to die?!” ADMIRAL #2: “Starfleet negligent?!” JOHNNY: “There’s a sale at Penny’s!” ---
**Author:** ![Linus\_Van\_Pelt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ebca7d/32.png) [@Linus\_Van\_Pelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Linus_Van_Pelt)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2003, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/45 "2003-07-26T23:06:33Z")
VULCAN AMBASADOR (looking at T’Pol and thinking): She never eats with her fingers at home… ---
**Author:** ![Tars\_Tarkas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Tars\_Tarkas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tars_Tarkas)\ **Post date:** [July 26, 2003, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/46 "2003-07-26T23:17:27Z")
Little Boy Klingon: This is my targ, Patches! Reed: I’m sorry, we don’t allow targs on Enterprise, we’ll have to shoot him! ::Pulls out phaser, blasts Patches:: Little Boy Klingon: Patches!!! Reed: I’m just kidding, Patches was only playing dead! ::Patches gets up:: Hoshi: Archer never gets a second cup of coffee at home… ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2003, 6:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/47 "2003-07-27T06:30:31Z")
REPORTER: “What kind of a starship is it?” HOSHI: “Oh, it’s a big pretty silver starship with curtains in the windows and warp nacelles and it looks just like a big lollipop!” REPORTER: “All right, we’ve heard enough. Let’s get some holovids!” [they ransack the holovid display units on Starfleet personnel desks] ---
**Author:** ![Linus\_Van\_Pelt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ebca7d/32.png) [@Linus\_Van\_Pelt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Linus_Van_Pelt)\ **Post date:** [July 27, 2003, 8:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/48 "2003-07-27T08:11:26Z")
TRIP: We’re about two minutes away from a warp core breach! HOSHI: A B…! (gasps and puts her hand to her mouth) TRIP: No, not a B…, a breach. ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2003, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/49 "2003-07-28T04:24:07Z")
DR. PHLOX: “What did Chef serve for dinner tonight?” HOSHI: “Well, we had a choice – steak, or fish.” DR. PHLOX: “Ah, yes, I remember. I had lasagna.” ---
**Author:** ![Bakhesh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3da27b/32.png) [@Bakhesh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bakhesh)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2003, 11:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/50 "2003-07-28T11:20:02Z")
Love this thread Admiral Forest : I’m recalling Enterprise Archer to camera: What a pisser! Hoshi: Enterprise Cleared to enter starbase. Could USS Israel please clear the docking station. Trip: Looks like I picked the wrong week to quit Romulan Ale Archer: Our orders came through. We’ll be attacking a Suliban mothership at 18:00 hours. We’re coming in cloaked on course 2345 by 3453 T’Pol : When will you be back? Archer : I can’t tell you that? It’s classified. Enterprise flies past camera at warp to sound of propellor engines. ---
**Author:** ![photopat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e95f7d/32.png) [@photopat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/photopat)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2003, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/51 "2003-07-28T18:56:40Z")
T’Pol to Mayweather: Is it twoo you humans are…gifted? 9Lights go out, sound of velcro tearing) T’Pol: Oh, it’s twoo! It’s twoo, it’s twoo! * * * Hoshi: Captain, we’re being hailed from the planet below. Archer: On screen. Dr. Forester appears on screen: Hello, Captain, crewballs. Today’s movie is **Incubus** , starring everybody’s favorite, William Shatner. Crew: Aaaaaagh! ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2003, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/52 "2003-07-28T22:49:23Z")
**photopat:** _Mystery Enterprise Theater 3000_?! Noooooo! ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [July 28, 2003, 10:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/53 "2003-07-28T22:51:53Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Bakhesh \* > \*\*Enterprise flies past camera at warp to sound of propellor engines. \*\* ESTABLISHING SHOT: A dark, eerie shot of deep space. There is a NEBULA at the bottom of the frame. Suddenly, the Enterprise’s warp nacelles are seen sticking up through the top of the nebula, moving slowly across the frame to the tune of the _Jaws_ theme. ---
**Author:** ![photopat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e95f7d/32.png) [@photopat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/photopat)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2003, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/54 "2003-07-29T00:56:24Z")
Mayweather: Captain, we’re receiving a transmission. Binary code. Archer: Can we translate it? Hoshi: Yes sir. Sir, before I was paid good money to be a translator, I was a mathematician. It’s to be \, 100 digits, repeating. Archer: \? Hoshi: This means something. (Meanwhile, Phlox is in the mess hall building a model of V’ger out of mashed potatoes.) ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2003, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/55 "2003-07-29T20:36:44Z")
(Wow, I thought I was the only one in the world who remembered that awful _Close Encounters_ parody where the alien mothership was a gigantic cream pie. “It just keeps saying the same thing!”) STARSHIP TRAFFIC CONTROLLER #1: “They could be light-years off course!” STARSHIP TRAFFIC CONTROLLER #2: “That’s impossible – they’re on instruments!” CUT TO shot of the Enterprise bridge, where the entire bridge crew is playing string basses, trumpets, drums, saxophones, and other jazz instruments. ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2003, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/56 "2003-07-29T20:49:38Z")
_Closet Encounters of the Nerd Kind_ 😃 I have it on tape, along with _Hardware Wars, Porklips Now,_ and some selected scenes from _Amazon Women on the Moon_. It’s virtually unplayable now, tho, it’s so old. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Lobelia\_Overhill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/54ee81/32.png) [@Lobelia\_Overhill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobelia_Overhill)\ **Post date:** [July 29, 2003, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/57 "2003-07-29T21:02:11Z")
Upon beaming down to a planet that looks suspiciously like Earth … ARCHER Oh Boy ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2003, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/58 "2003-07-30T15:52:22Z")
Okay, **Lobelia Overhill** , you got me there. 😕 ---
**Author:** ![Cervaise](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cervaise/32/16693_2.png) [@Cervaise](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cervaise)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2003, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/59 "2003-07-30T15:58:05Z")
Psst, **tracer** — it’s a Quantum Leap reference. ---
**Author:** ![photopat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/e95f7d/32.png) [@photopat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/photopat)\ **Post date:** [July 30, 2003, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711/60 "2003-07-30T18:53:00Z")
How about this… Upon beaming down to an Earth-like planet, Captain Archer sees his reflection in a window and realizes he’s in the body of a green skinned woman? Archer: Oh Boy. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/_enterprise-_/190711.md?page=4)