# A \_\_\_\_ walks into a bar... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 10, 2004, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-____-walks-into-a-bar/254438 "2004-07-10T15:03:08Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2004, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-____-walks-into-a-bar/254438/1 "2004-07-10T15:03:08Z")
This is a thread for “A [someone] walks into a bar…” jokes. Two guys walk into a bar. You’d think the second one would’ve ducked. A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?” A termite walks into a bar and asks, “Is the bar tender here?” A bar is styled as an Old West saloon, right down to the swinging doors. A guy walks into it, but fails to notice that a dog had gotten under the swinging doors and defecated just inside. He slips on the pile and falls on his ass. He picks himself up and takes a seat at the bar. A few minutes later, another man repeats the first man’s performance. The first man said, “Hey, I just did that!” The second man punched him in the nose. A skeleton walks into a bar. He says, “Bartender, I’d like a lager… and a mop!” A polar bear walks into a bar and says, “I’d like a… … … pint of lager.” The bartender says, “Sure. But why the big pause?” The bear looks at his hands and says, “I was born with them.” And my favourite… A pirate with a huge colourful parrot on his shoulder walks into a bar. The bartender looks at him and says, “Where did you get _that?_” The parrot says, “Tortugas!” ---
**Author:** ![Polycarp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Polycarp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polycarp)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2004, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-____-walks-into-a-bar/254438/2 "2004-07-10T15:07:00Z")
A priest, a rabbi, a giraffe, and a hamster walk into a bar together. The bartender takes one look at them and says, “What is this? Some kind of a joke?” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2004, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-____-walks-into-a-bar/254438/3 "2004-07-10T15:11:42Z")
My other favourite… Rene Descartes is drinking in a bar near closing time. The bartender says, “Would you like ‘one for the road’?” Descartes says, “I think not.” And suddenly vanishes! ---
**Author:** ![MLS](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/919ad9/32.png) [@MLS](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MLS)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2004, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-____-walks-into-a-bar/254438/4 "2004-07-10T15:16:32Z")
A pirate walks into a bar. The bartender can’t help noticing he has a big ol’ steering wheel sticking out of the front of his pants. “That must be uncomfortable,” he comments. “Aye,” says the pirate, “It’s drivin’ me nuts.” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2004, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-____-walks-into-a-bar/254438/5 "2004-07-10T15:30:49Z")
A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. As soon as it is set before him, an evil little man, only a foot tall, hops up on the bar and knocks it over. Resignedly, the man orders another. Again, the little man knocks it over. The third time this happened, the bartender felt the need to ask about the man’s nemesis. “Well,” said the man, “I was walking along the shore when I found a bottle. I opened it up, and a genie came out.” The bartender puts up another beer. “The genie offered me one wish, and I wished for a twelve-inch prick. And,” he says as the little man knocks over the beer, “There he is!” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2004, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-____-walks-into-a-bar/254438/6 "2004-07-10T15:37:57Z")
A guy walks into a bar and sees a five gallon carboy filled with five-dollar notes. He asks about it, and his attention is directed to a horse in a stall in the corner of the (rather rustic!) bar. The bartender tells him, “You pay five dollars for a chance to make the horse laugh. If you can make him laugh, then you get the money in the kitty.” The man decides it’s worth a shot and puts a fiver in the pot. He goes over to the horse and whispers into its ear, whereupon the horse bursts out in a fit of laughter. The man collects his winnings and leaves. The following year the man returns to the bar. Again there is a large amount of money in the large glass container. He’s ready to make another bundle, but the bartender says that this time the game is to make the horse _cry_. The man pays his money and walks over to the horse. Shortly thereafter, the horse breaks down in tears. As he collects his money the bartender demands to know how he made the horse cry, and how he’d made the horse laugh a year earlier. “Well, last year I told the horse I had a bigger penis than he did. This year, I showed him.” ---
**Author:** ![danceswithcats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9e8a1a/32.png) [@danceswithcats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/danceswithcats)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2004, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-____-walks-into-a-bar/254438/7 "2004-07-10T15:49:29Z")
A duck walks into a bar and asks for a six-pack. The bartender asks if that will be cash or charge. The duck says, “Put it on my bill.” A duck walks into a bar and asks if they serve duck food. The bartender says, “No.” The following day, the same duck walks in and repeats his request. The bartender says, “I told you yesterday, we don’t have duck food. Ask again, and I’ll nail your bill to the bar.” The next day, the duck walks in and asks, “Do you have any nails?” “No,” replies the bartender. “Good,” says the duck, “Do you have any duck food?” Four ropes walk into a bar, and they order beer. The bartender says, “We don’t serve your kind around here. You ropes can just get out of my bar.” Very disappointed and thirsty, the ropes head towards the door, when one has an idea. “Wait outside,” he says, and heads for the Men’s Room. Pulling out his comb, he frizzes one end, and then ties himself up. Walking back to the bar, he asks for a six-pack. The bartender looks at him suspiciously and says, “Ain’t you one of them ropes what I just run outta here?” The rope looks at him and replies, “No, Sir. I’m a frayed knot.” ---
**Author:** ![danceswithcats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9e8a1a/32.png) [@danceswithcats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/danceswithcats)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2004, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-____-walks-into-a-bar/254438/8 "2004-07-10T15:56:17Z")
A guy walks into a bar and shouts, “All lawyers are assholes!” A fellow at the end of the bar yells back, “Hey! I resent that.” “Why? Are you a lawyer?” “No. I’m an asshole.” A guy walks into a bar with an alligator on a leash. He says to the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?” “Sure,” says the bartender, “We don’t discriminate in any way.” “Good. I’ll have a beer, and give my alligator a lawyer.” ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2004, 3:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-____-walks-into-a-bar/254438/9 "2004-07-10T15:57:45Z")
Two race horses walk into a bar and take their place at a table. “It’s incredible,” says one horse, “I was in the starting gate, the bell went off, and suddenly I felt a surge of electricity that started at the tip of my tail, rushed up my spine, and into my muscles. I took off like a shot! I couldn’t be beat! I won that race by ten lengths!” The second horse said, “Hey, the same thing happened to me in _my_ race! The bell went off, I felt a surge of energy, and _I_ won the race!” A greyhound was sitting at the next table listening to these tales. “Excuse me, guys; but I couldn’t help overhearing. It’s a funny thing, but the _same thing_ happened to me at the dog track! I was in the gate, just like you were, the starting bell sounded, just as it did for you, and I felt the same “jolt of electricity”, as it were, that you did. And I won the race quite handily!” One horse looks at the other and says, “Whaddya know? A talking dog!” ---
**Author:** ![danceswithcats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9e8a1a/32.png) [@danceswithcats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/danceswithcats)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2004, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-____-walks-into-a-bar/254438/10 "2004-07-10T16:27:43Z")
A bear walks into a bar and orders a beer. “I’m sorry,” says the bartender, “but this bar doesn’t serve bears beer.” “_ROWR!!_,” exclaims the angry bear, and he proceeds to overturn several stools and tables. “Now gimme a beer, or I’ll tear this place apart!” demands the bear. “I’ve already told you, this bar doesn’t serve bears beer.” Grabbing a petite female server, the bear gobbles her down in three bites. :eek: “Now gimme a beer!” growls the bear. “It is the policy of this bar to deny service to bears who are under the influence of drugs,” says the bartender. “What are you talking about?” queries the bear. “That was a bar bitch you ate.” ---
**Author:** ![TastesLikeBurning](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/839c29/32.png) [@TastesLikeBurning](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TastesLikeBurning)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2004, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-____-walks-into-a-bar/254438/11 "2004-07-10T16:38:37Z")
An electron walks into a bar and orders a drink. After asking how much it will be, the barman replies… “For you, no charge” ---
**Author:** ![TastesLikeBurning](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/839c29/32.png) [@TastesLikeBurning](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TastesLikeBurning)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2004, 4:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-____-walks-into-a-bar/254438/12 "2004-07-10T16:44:04Z")
ooh ooh, one more… A fluffy duck walks into a bar and sits down. The barman says, “G’day mate, you know we have a drink named after you?” Fluffy duck replies, “What, Kevin?” ---
**Author:** ![Nightwatch\_Trailer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/9dc877/32.png) [@Nightwatch\_Trailer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nightwatch_Trailer)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2004, 5:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-____-walks-into-a-bar/254438/13 "2004-07-10T17:14:29Z")
> [@TastesLikeBurning](#): > > An electron walks into a bar and orders a drink. > > After asking how much it will be, the barman replies… > > “For you, no charge” Wouldn’t that be a neutron? Unless I’m missing something. ---
**Author:** ![ParentalAdvisory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/53a042/32.png) [@ParentalAdvisory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ParentalAdvisory)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2004, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-____-walks-into-a-bar/254438/14 "2004-07-10T18:03:07Z")
A priest, a Rabbi and a Clergyman walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get the fuck out!” ---
**Author:** ![I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/i_love_me_vol.i/32/521_2.png) [@I\_Love\_Me\_Vol.I](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/I_Love_Me_Vol.I)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2004, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-____-walks-into-a-bar/254438/15 "2004-07-10T18:09:55Z")
Two men walk into a bar and the first man says to the second man: “Two men walk into a bar and the first man says to the second man,” “'Two men walk into a bar… '” ---
**Author:** ![Shade](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/2bfe46/32.png) [@Shade](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shade)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2004, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-____-walks-into-a-bar/254438/16 "2004-07-10T18:16:50Z")
Two strings walk into a bar. One says “I’d like a beer please. 25s3z %- 9238435”. The other string says “Sorry about my friend, he’s not null-terminated.” ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2004, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-____-walks-into-a-bar/254438/17 "2004-07-10T19:09:33Z")
A three-legged dog walks into a bar and says, “I’m looking for the man that shot my paw.” ---
**Author:** ![Chastain86](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f9ae1b/32.png) [@Chastain86](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chastain86)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2004, 7:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-____-walks-into-a-bar/254438/18 "2004-07-10T19:13:24Z")
An old Irish man named McGinty walks into a bar every day and orders three beers. “One fa me, and one each f’r me two brothers in Dublin!” This tradition continues for years, until one day McGinty walks in and orders two beers. The barroom fell silent. At last, a patron made his way over to McGinty’s table. “We’re sorry for your loss. Was the passing of your brother sudden?” McGinty looked up the man with a puzzled look on his face. Then, finally, he burst into waves of laughter. “No, no, me boy! I promised my wife I’d quit drinkin’.” ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2004, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-____-walks-into-a-bar/254438/19 "2004-07-10T20:07:12Z")
A kangaroo walks into a bar and orders a shot of Glenlivet, neat. The bartender sets the drink in front of him and remarks, “You know, we don’t get many kangaroos in here.” The kangaroo knocks back his shot, sets the glass down carefully, and replies “If you keep serving Johnny Walker as Glenlivet, you won’t get many more.” ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [July 10, 2004, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-____-walks-into-a-bar/254438/20 "2004-07-10T22:10:47Z")
> [@Nightwatch Trailer](#): > > Wouldn’t that be a neutron? Unless I’m missing something. Yeah. The electron one goes like this: Two electrons walk into a bar. The first one says “Bartender, I’ll have a martini,” and the second one exclaims “Damn it! I wanted a martini!” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-____-walks-into-a-bar/254438.md?page=2)