# A Christmas present for my ex-fiancée **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 16, 2005, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-present-for-my-ex-fiancee/331353 "2005-11-16T18:09:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 6:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-present-for-my-ex-fiancee/331353/1 "2005-11-16T18:09:37Z")
Starting this thread so as not to hijack the other one. I wonder what I should get my ex-fiancée for Christmas? In spite of the marriage falling through, we’re still friends. She doesn’t really _want_ anything. She likes socks from REI and other cool-weather clothing. In the past I’ve given her those things. The only thing that wears out is the socks. She mentioned in August or September that she needs to get more of them. So I’m sending her four or five pair for her birthday on the 24th of this month. (They’ve been wrapped for a while, so I don’t remember how many I bought.) But what for Christmas? She likes History. Especially Russian history. She’s also fond of English history. I could find her a book on one of those subjects. She also likes Jane Austin. She’s already read her though, so I’d have to find an especially nice (like Easton Press) volume. She’s a Christian so I thought about getting her an Easton Press Bible, full of Renaissance art. She’d probably appreciate a fine volume, but she’d probably think it’s silly to spend $150 for a book. (Not that she would know.) ---
**Author:** ![ioioio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ioioio/32/316_2.png) [@ioioio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ioioio)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 6:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-present-for-my-ex-fiancee/331353/2 "2005-11-16T18:25:11Z")
> [@](#): > > I wonder what I should get my EX-fiancée for Christmas? Let it go, Johnny L.A. If you absolutely feel that a friendship gift is appropriate, make it something impersonal and inexpensive. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 6:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-present-for-my-ex-fiancee/331353/3 "2005-11-16T18:30:54Z")
If you’re going for humor, you could get her a “Hers” coffee mug. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 6:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-present-for-my-ex-fiancee/331353/4 "2005-11-16T18:37:13Z")
> [@laina\_f](#): > > Let it go, Johnny L.A. If you absolutely feel that a friendship gift is appropriate, make it something impersonal and inexpensive. I don’t like giving impersonal gifts to my friends. My sister sends me gift cards from Lowe’s or Home Depot. Dad used to give me cash. I prefer to receive gifts that have some thought behind them. (It’s the thought that counts, after all.) So I like to go through the effort of choosing appropriate gifts (and cards, for that matter) for my friends. As far as she being my ex, well we’ve been friends a long, long time. Since high school. She’d visit my dad when she was in town, and I’d visit hers when I was. She’s more than just an ex. She’s a friend. > [@Ethilrist](#): > > If you’re going for humor, you could get her a “Hers” coffee mug. _That’s_ funny! Mean, but funny. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![ioioio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ioioio/32/316_2.png) [@ioioio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ioioio)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-present-for-my-ex-fiancee/331353/5 "2005-11-16T20:33:09Z")
I’m just suggesting that you need to tread carefully at this point. You can’t buy her back. You can’t guilt her back. You can, however, make her so uncomfortable that the friendship will suffer. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-present-for-my-ex-fiancee/331353/6 "2005-11-16T20:38:40Z")
> [@laina\_f](#): > > I’m just suggesting that you need to tread carefully at this point. You can’t buy her back. You can’t guilt her back. You can, however, make her so uncomfortable that the friendship will suffer. Not trying to get her back. Just trying to think of a nice Christmas present. ---
**Author:** ![cher3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/da6949/32.png) [@cher3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cher3)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-present-for-my-ex-fiancee/331353/7 "2005-11-16T21:21:21Z")
I’ve heard good things about [this book](http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0099422581/203-1496165-2007138). I plan to read it but my husband gave away our copy as a gift, so I have to track down another. ---
**Author:** ![Martin\_Hyde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/47e85d/32.png) [@Martin\_Hyde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martin_Hyde)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-present-for-my-ex-fiancee/331353/8 "2005-11-16T21:29:06Z")
To take a slight tangent I think it’s probably not a good idea to be friends with an ex like this. I’d give her an extremely impersonal present, don’t give her anything you wouldn’t give a co-worker. Give her something like the socks you’re sending for her birthday. Or maybe just save the socks for Christmas, giving her a gift for her birthday may be too personal, a Christmas gift is just sort of seasonal and many people give out Christmas gifts to those that they aren’t necessarily very close with. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 11:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-present-for-my-ex-fiancee/331353/9 "2005-11-16T23:07:03Z")
> [@cher3](#): > > I’ve heard good things about [this book](http://www.amazon.co.uk/exec/obidos/ASIN/0099422581/203-1496165-2007138). I plan to read it but my husband gave away our copy as a gift, so I have to track down another. Looks interesting. But it got some not-so-good reviews too. I’m ordering a paperback copy for myself. If I like it, she probably will as well. ---
**Author:** ![Martin\_Hyde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/47e85d/32.png) [@Martin\_Hyde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martin_Hyde)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-present-for-my-ex-fiancee/331353/10 "2005-11-16T23:19:39Z")
> [@Johnny L.A.](#): > > Looks interesting. But it got some not-so-good reviews too. I’m ordering a paperback copy for myself. If I like it, she probably will as well. See, ordering a book to screen it in advance to make sure this woman will like it, that’s not “friendship” behavior. That’s “I still care deeply for her and probably still love her” behavior, and “I’m hoping my gift impresses her so I’d better make sure it’s good” behavior. ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-present-for-my-ex-fiancee/331353/11 "2005-11-16T23:35:44Z")
> [@Martin Hyde](#): > > See, ordering a book to screen it in advance to make sure this woman will like it, that’s not “friendship” behavior. That’s “I still care deeply for her and probably still love her” behavior, and “I’m hoping my gift impresses her so I’d better make sure it’s good” behavior. Jesus, lay off it, will ya? The man says they’re just good friends; leave it at that. Talk about a hijack… Back to the OP, how about [The Collected Tales of Nikolai Gogol (Hardbound)l](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0679430237), one of the unread greats of Russian literature. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-present-for-my-ex-fiancee/331353/12 "2005-11-16T23:40:22Z")
> [@Martin Hyde](#): > > See, ordering a book to screen it in advance to make sure this woman will like it, that’s not “friendship” behavior. That’s “I still care deeply for her and probably still love her” behavior, and “I’m hoping my gift impresses her so I’d better make sure it’s good” behavior. No, really. We’re just good friends. Yes it hurt when she changed her mind, but I’m over it. I’m interested in history too. It’s one of the things we talk about. So I’m getting the book for myself. If I like it, then it will be an easy choice for a Christmas present. That’s all. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-present-for-my-ex-fiancee/331353/13 "2005-11-16T23:45:13Z")
> [@Stranger On A Train](#): > > Back to the OP, how about [The Collected Tales of Nikolai Gogol (Hardbound)l](http://www.amazon.com/gp/product/0679430237), one of the unread greats of Russian literature. Looks interesting. I have Dostoevsky and Tolstoy on my bookshelf, but haven’t read them yet. (I started to read _War And Peace_, but got involved in another project and never finished it. What’s a ‘yellow ticket’? Sounds like a license to be a prostitute or something.) I don’t know if she’d appreciate Russian literature though. She loves the history (i.e., non-fiction). ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [November 16, 2005, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-present-for-my-ex-fiancee/331353/14 "2005-11-16T23:53:47Z")
> [@laina\_f](#): > > Let it go, Johnny L.A. If you absolutely feel that a friendship gift is appropriate, make it something impersonal and inexpensive. Why should he do so? Ex or not, she’s his friend. My ex paid me a visit not long ago, and I gave her a non impersonnal and non inexpensive gift. Why should I have not done so? She should become a pariah because we used to be lovers? ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2005, 4:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-present-for-my-ex-fiancee/331353/15 "2005-11-17T04:16:09Z")
I know that **Johnny L.A.** is a big boy and can/does defend himself, but I’m just a little taken aback at some of the posts in this thread: > [@laina\_f](#): > > I’m just suggesting that you need to tread carefully at this point. You can’t buy her back. You can’t guilt her back. You can, however, make her so uncomfortable that the friendship will suffer. Wow, you _so_ don’t know enough about the situation to be making such a snarky judgment! He says they’re good friends, and for all you know she could be planning to buy him something, too. Who peed in your Wheaties today? :dubious: > [@Martin Hyde](#): > > See, ordering a book to screen it in advance to make sure this woman will like it, that’s not “friendship” behavior. That’s “I still care deeply for her and probably still love her” behavior, and “I’m hoping my gift impresses her so I’d better make sure it’s good” behavior. Bullshit: I’ve screened books _and_ movies for my friends when it was Christmas or birthday time. In fact, I recently screened a Frank Lloyd Wright interview DVD for my father, to see if he’d like it or if I should get the other Wright DVD I saw (and trust me, I am _not_ daddy’s little girl). It’s thoughtful, not desperate. Geesh. What kinds of crappy gifts do _your_ friends get? 😉 Now, regarding the OP: > [@Johnny L.A.](#): > > She also likes Jane Austin. How does she feel about movie adaptations? _[Pride & Prejudice](http://www.prideandprejudicemovie.net/splash.html)_ is about to be in theatres: one month might be pushing it, but if they’re smart they’ll have the DVD out in time for Christmas. ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2005, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-present-for-my-ex-fiancee/331353/16 "2005-11-17T04:36:59Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > How does she feel about movie adaptations? _[Pride & Prejudice](http://www.prideandprejudicemovie.net/splash.html)_ is about to be in theatres: one month might be pushing it, but if they’re smart they’ll have the DVD out in time for Christmas. I’m sure she’d love it. Only will it be on DVD in time? I’m thinking a month may indeed be pushing it. ---
**Author:** ![Stonebow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Stonebow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stonebow)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2005, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-present-for-my-ex-fiancee/331353/17 "2005-11-17T14:42:19Z")
I may have missed it, but I think that knowing how long you’ve been separated would have a bearing on my advice on what would be considered an appropriate gift. ---
**Author:** ![ioioio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ioioio/32/316_2.png) [@ioioio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ioioio)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2005, 4:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-present-for-my-ex-fiancee/331353/18 "2005-11-17T16:11:29Z")
> [@misnomer](#): > > > [@laina\_f](#): > > > > I’m just suggesting that you need to tread carefully at this point. You can’t buy her back. You can’t guilt her back. You can, however, make her so uncomfortable that the friendship will suffer. > > Wow, you so don’t know enough about the situation to be making such a snarky judgment! He says they’re good friends, and for all you know she could be planning to buy him something, too. Who peed in your Wheaties today? It was not a _snarky_ judgment. It was a valid point based on my real-life experiences and based on what **Johnny L.A.** has posted (see links below). The engagement was broken less than a year ago, and it has been painful for **Johnny L.A.** It’s great that the two are trying to remain friends, but I think that this is a sensitive time for them and a bit of discretion is in order. **Johnny L.A.** is contemplating spending $150 for the ex-fiancee’s Christmas gift. That’s a serious gift, especially for someone who until recently was unemployed and struggling financially. [I don’t know what to do. The wedding’s off.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=295787) [Valentine’s Day](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=298858) [Ex-fiancée brought up (non-) wedding](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=341601) ---
**Author:** ![Johnny\_L.A](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnny_l.a/32/1084_2.png) [@Johnny\_L.A](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Johnny_L.A)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2005, 4:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-present-for-my-ex-fiancee/331353/19 "2005-11-17T16:37:41Z")
> [@laina\_f](#): > > [I don’t know what to do. The wedding’s off.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=295787) Yup. I was pretty much destroyed. > [@laina\_f](#): > > [Valentine’s Day](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=298858) That was a month later, and I was still feeling pretty bad. I’ve always been alone on Valentine’s Day, and this one was the worst. > [@laina\_f](#): > > [Ex-fiancée brought up (non-) wedding](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=341601) See, by this time I was over it. I was curious about why she brought it up. I think someone said maybe it was because she felt it was safe to joke about it now. Would I take her back? Sitting here, safely 2,500 miles away, I can say no. I’d tell her that we had our chance, but it didn’t work out. We’re good friends and have been for over 20 years and let’s keep it like that. If she were to jump on a plane, fly out, and beg me? Well, I’m a bit of a softie and I don’t know if I could resist such a gesture. That would be harder. But she wouldn’t do that. So we’ll remain friends, she in Tennessee and me on the Left Coast. In any case, by that time I was wondering intellectually what she was getting at, not emotionally. > [@laina\_f](#): > > That’s a serious gift, especially for someone who until recently was unemployed and struggling financially. That’s a valid point. I’m still unemployed, at least until the wedding season comes round again or until the film is completed and is sold. But I did get some money from mom’s estate. And I have a bad habit of being generous to my friends. (I think I got that from dad.) $150 _is_ a lot for a gift for a friend. She’s not a ‘material person’, so the cost doesn’t matter to her. She’d be happy with a good book or a video. But as I said, I like to buy my friends things that they like. I like to put thought into gifts. The nice Bible is just one thing that I thought of. So to repeat: I’m not trying to ‘buy her back’. I’m not hoping that she’ll change her mind again. I’m over the break-up. But she’s still a good friend, and I want to get her something thoughtful for Christmas. That’s all. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [November 17, 2005, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-present-for-my-ex-fiancee/331353/20 "2005-11-17T19:44:59Z")
> [@laina\_f](#): > > It was not a _snarky_ judgment. It was a valid point based on my real-life experiences and based on what **Johnny L.A.** has posted (see links below). None of those posts have any bearing on this thread, because we’ve never gotten any indication that **Johnny** ’s ex has been avoiding his calls, returning his previous gifts, refusing to see/speak to him, etc. So you jumped to a mighty big conclusion and judged his intentions without knowing all the facts – and yeah, it _was_ snarky. Likewise, your “real-life experiences” have no bearing on their relationship, and how appropriate or not a gift might be. A point can only be valid if it’s accurate, and there was absolutely no justification for you to assume that he’s trying to buy anyone’s affection. > [@](#): > > **Johnny L.A.** is contemplating spending $150 for the ex-fiancee’s Christmas gift. That’s a serious gift, especially for someone who until recently was unemployed and struggling financially. He thought about it, because it’s something he thought she’d like, but I got the impression that the cost was ancillary and that he would have thought about the same gift even if it were $15. You seem determined to assume the worst about everything in the OP, even when there’s no justification for those assumptions. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-present-for-my-ex-fiancee/331353.md?page=2)