# A Christmas SD column: Is there a Jack Dean Tyler? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 23, 2000, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-sd-column-is-there-a-jack-dean-tyler/42421 "2000-11-23T05:59:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![DRY](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a87d85/32.png) [@DRY](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DRY)\ **Post date:** [November 23, 2000, 5:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-sd-column-is-there-a-jack-dean-tyler/42421/1 "2000-11-23T05:59:53Z")
As one of the SDMB elite clique, my absence from the continuing Jack Dean Tyler controversy has been noted and commented on. Put bluntly, I was told to contribute, or be expelled from the clique. I _was_ going to do a parody of the JDT Gettysburg Address, but someone beat me to it. So I bring you Cecil’s Christmas column. Or what it should be, anyway: **(Don’t read this if you’re easily offended)** "Dear Cecil, I post to the SDMB. Some of my fellow posters say that there is no Jack Dean Tyler. Unclebeer says, ‘If Cecil says it, it’s so.’ Please tell me the truth, is there a Jack Dean Tyler? Vagina O." Vagina, your trollish friends are wrong. They are the victims of circumcision in a perverted age. They do not perceive except what their hideously mutilated phalluses can feel. They think that anyone can be satisfied with their little penises. All penises, Vagina, whether they be men’s or boys’, are little. Some penises, however, are circumcised, and half the length of the others. In this great universe of ours, men who have these are called “losers”. Compared to the intact studs around them, these victims are better off dead. Yes, Vagina, there is a Jack Dean Tyler. He exists as certainly as foreskins and Tug-Ahoys and erections, and you know that they abound and give your life it’s reason for being. Alas! how dreary would be the world if there were no Jack Dean Tyler! It would be as dreary as if there were no Vaginas. There would be no clitoral friction then, no dorsal rubbing, no power sucking to make tolerable this existence. We should have no arousal, except by masturbation and felching. The incredible excitement with which orgasms fill our beings would be extinguished. Not believe in Jack Dean Tyler! You might as well not believe in nipple inversion. You might get your papa to hire men to powersuck a million women’s nipples (actually, I’ll do it for free), but even if they _claimed_ they didn’t enjoy it, what would that prove? No woman knows the first thing about sex. No uncircumcised men know, either. Only intact men know what it’s really about. No one else can conceive or imagine what a TRUE orgasm feels like. You circumcise a baby boy, making him half man, half freak, but there is an uncircumcised penis within an intact man’s pants which not even the stoutest maidenhead can withstand. Nor even the united strength of all woman’s maidenheads. Only continued vigorous thrusting, combined with power sucking of a woman’s nipples, can push aside the hymen and experience the joy of dorsal friction against the clitoris. Thrusting, rubbing, until…aaahhh!! Is it all real? Ah, Vagina, in all this world there is nothing else real and abiding. No Jack Dean Tyler? Thank God he lives and lives forever. A thousand years from now, Vagina, nay 10 times 10,000 years from now, he will continue to penetrate and be welcomed into many Vaginas. Was it as good for you as it was for me? –Cecil Adams ---
**Author:** ![GraceTX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c4cdca/32.png) [@GraceTX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GraceTX)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2000, 3:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-sd-column-is-there-a-jack-dean-tyler/42421/2 "2000-11-28T03:07:10Z")
It’s amazing the things you find when you go back and read back pages. This has got to be the funniest things I’ve read in a long time. It’s a good thing I read it after everyone had gone home for the day. I was making so much noise, I’m sure they would’ve wondered what was making me laugh so. In the future, when I’m reading the board at work, I need to remember to not read anything with the name Jack Dean Tyler in it. I’m not sure but I think the school district frowns on us reading anything with the words vagina and penis. Oh well, if I get fired, it was certainly worth it (you do have a spare room right?). BRAVO my friend. ---
**Author:** ![porcupine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ac91a4/32.png) [@porcupine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/porcupine)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2000, 3:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-sd-column-is-there-a-jack-dean-tyler/42421/3 "2000-11-28T03:12:41Z")
[JDT] **Grace** , if you were making noise, it’s obvious you weren’t having a good time.[/JDT] ---
**Author:** ![evilbeth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/evilbeth/32/2268_2.png) [@evilbeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/evilbeth)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2000, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-sd-column-is-there-a-jack-dean-tyler/42421/4 "2000-11-28T05:46:24Z")
Well, I’m beginning to wonder if he’s real. He won’t answer my e-mail! ---
**Author:** ![TwistofFate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@TwistofFate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TwistofFate)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2000, 10:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-sd-column-is-there-a-jack-dean-tyler/42421/5 "2000-11-28T10:41:15Z")
Oh, beth! I’m sure he wont mail you back simply because you wouldn’t lie still. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![evilbeth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/evilbeth/32/2268_2.png) [@evilbeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/evilbeth)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2000, 10:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-sd-column-is-there-a-jack-dean-tyler/42421/6 "2000-11-28T10:46:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by TwistofFate \* > \*\*Oh, beth! I’m sure he wont mail you back simply because you wouldn’t lie still. 😉 \*\* How do _you_ know, Twisty? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2000, 10:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-sd-column-is-there-a-jack-dean-tyler/42421/7 "2000-11-28T10:47:07Z")
I think he won’t reply because Beth used _cut_ & paste in her e-mail 😃 BTW, good stuff, DRY. I dunno what the Man Himself thinks about parodies, though… ---
**Author:** ![TwistofFate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@TwistofFate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TwistofFate)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2000, 11:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-sd-column-is-there-a-jack-dean-tyler/42421/8 "2000-11-28T11:12:07Z")
c’mon Bethie, If JDT and you were “doing the nasty”, I doubt you would just lie there… 😉 Am I going to hell for suggesting that? ---
**Author:** ![Duke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e8c25b/32.png) [@Duke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Duke)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2000, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-sd-column-is-there-a-jack-dean-tyler/42421/9 "2000-11-28T13:46:48Z")
**Coldie** : Judging from JDT’s reaction to “Church of Circumscientology,” I think we can safely say that “parody” is not in his dictionary. I have a sneaking suspicion that JDT thinks the Church is _for real_. I’m expecting an e-mail from him any day now asking me where he can get DICKANETICS so he can use it as a cite. Thanks for the “letter,” **DRY** –be careful that Cecil doesn’t get at you for using his name in vain! ---
**Author:** ![GolfWidow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a698b9/32.png) [@GolfWidow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GolfWidow)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2000, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-sd-column-is-there-a-jack-dean-tyler/42421/10 "2000-11-28T15:27:25Z")
DRY - very amusing. Now I’m not upset with you for owing me an e-mail; I see you have more important things to do. (j/k) ---
**Author:** ![Crunchy\_Frog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ebca7d/32.png) [@Crunchy\_Frog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crunchy_Frog)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2000, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-sd-column-is-there-a-jack-dean-tyler/42421/11 "2000-11-28T15:35:35Z")
**DRY** have you forgotten the rules of Elite Clique? 1. You do not talk about Elite Clique. 2. You do NOT talk about Elite Clique. ---
**Author:** ![evilbeth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/evilbeth/32/2268_2.png) [@evilbeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/evilbeth)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2000, 6:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-sd-column-is-there-a-jack-dean-tyler/42421/12 "2000-11-29T06:48:02Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by TwistofFate \* > **c’mon Bethie, If JDT and you were “doing the nasty”, I doubt you would just lie there… 😉** Probably not. Any man _that_ obsessed with what it takes to please a woman and himself in bed has got to be at least a little good! \*\* > [@](#): > > Am I going to hell for suggesting that? \*\* Yes. I’ll see to it personally. 😉 Seriously though, I hope this thread attracts him so he will see my public plea for him to respond to my e-mail! ---
**Author:** ![fnord1966](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ad7895/32.png) [@fnord1966](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fnord1966)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2000, 7:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-sd-column-is-there-a-jack-dean-tyler/42421/13 "2000-11-29T07:39:26Z")
I was just wondering, something about Mr. Jack Dean Tyler. This message board, and the straight dope in general is all about fighting ignorance wherever it may be, so why does JDT _Insist_ on advertising his? What was that saying? It is better to keep quiet and be thought a fool than to open your mouth and remove all doubt. ---
**Author:** ![DRY](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a87d85/32.png) [@DRY](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DRY)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2000, 9:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-sd-column-is-there-a-jack-dean-tyler/42421/14 "2000-11-29T09:27:42Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Coldfire \* > \*\*BTW, good stuff, DRY. I dunno what the Man Himself thinks about parodies, though… \*\* I hear he’s quite forgiving. After all, I remember him once saying: > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Cecil Adams \* > \*\* > > > [@](#): > > > > By the way, you’re my favourite poster! I love your “Weekly Column” Threads > > Eat shit and die, you loser. Sorry, wrong forum, but it IS my message board. \*\* And this person, of all things, has now become a **moderator**. Congratulations, **Coldfire** by the way! 🙂 I’ve been remiss in congratulating you. I note that **Twist of Fate** and **Evilbeth** have hijacked “my” thread to flirt (actually, it sounds like a flat out solicitation for sex to me). This makes me feel…well…right at home, actually. 😃 **GolfWidow** , the day I blow off one of your e-mails to post ANYTHING here is the day I have my priorities wrong. I posted this thread while I was still waiting to hear from you! 😉 **Grace** , thanks for bumping this. Speaking of owing someone an e-mail…😛 **Crunchy Frog** : And what exactly are you doing? 😕 Thanks to those who offered praise on my meager work! ---
**Author:** ![evilbeth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/evilbeth/32/2268_2.png) [@evilbeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/evilbeth)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2000, 9:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-sd-column-is-there-a-jack-dean-tyler/42421/15 "2000-11-29T09:48:29Z")
Well, **Dry** one could say that it is only fair that someone hijack one of your threads to flirt every now and then considering how often you have done it in the past! But thanks for being so cool abut it! Great OP, BTW! ---
**Author:** ![evilbeth](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/evilbeth/32/2268_2.png) [@evilbeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/evilbeth)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2000, 9:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-sd-column-is-there-a-jack-dean-tyler/42421/16 "2000-11-29T09:49:31Z")
I swear I capitalized your name correctly when I typed it! Sorry about that, **DRY**! ---
**Author:** ![Mac\_Guffin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/2bfe46/32.png) [@Mac\_Guffin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mac_Guffin)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2000, 9:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-sd-column-is-there-a-jack-dean-tyler/42421/17 "2000-11-29T09:54:40Z")
Um, DRY, I believe Coldfire meant JDT when he said “the Man Himself”, not Unca Cece. Or did I get Whhooshed there? ---
**Author:** ![Ayesha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c0e974/32.png) [@Ayesha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ayesha)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2000, 10:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-sd-column-is-there-a-jack-dean-tyler/42421/18 "2000-11-29T10:01:42Z")
Thanks alot ! Be glad I was able to keep the soda that shot out my nose out of my keyboard ! Ahhhh I can feel the burn ! ---
**Author:** ![DRY](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a87d85/32.png) [@DRY](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DRY)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2000, 11:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-sd-column-is-there-a-jack-dean-tyler/42421/19 "2000-11-29T11:12:43Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by evilbeth \* > \*\*Well, **Dry** one could say that it is only fair that someone hijack one of your threads to flirt every now and then considering how often you have done it in the past! But thanks for being so cool abut it! > \*\* That was actually the point I was making when I said I felt “right at home” here. I know damned well I do it myself, and of course I’m cool with it! (And what more natural a thread to flirt in than one that’s clearly “prurient minded” to begin with? I think I’d have been more surprised if there **hadn’t** been a sexual hijack!) Actually, I thought it was interesting when someone (Crunchy Frog?) complained that I hijacked a **flirting** type thread to talk about **sports**. Heh. Oh, and the capitalization thing didn’t bother me. Hell, I’m just happy for **any** (positive) attention. > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by particlewill \* > \*\*Um, DRY, I believe Coldfire meant JDT when he said “the Man Himself”, not Unca Cece. > > Or did I get Whhooshed there? \*\* Well, I don’t know which of us, but one of us probably did. Might have been me–I was taking **Coldfire** to mean Unca Cece, though, so I could quote Cecil’s “Eat shit and die” post. I may have subconciously made that assumption, I suppose. Thanks again to all for the kind words. **Ayesha** , if I ever meet you in person I’ll buy you that soda! ---
**Author:** ![GraceTX](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c4cdca/32.png) [@GraceTX](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GraceTX)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2000, 3:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-sd-column-is-there-a-jack-dean-tyler/42421/20 "2000-11-29T15:30:47Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by DRY \* > **Grace** , thanks for bumping this. Speaking of owing someone an e-mail…😛 Technically I owe you two emails since I have two that I see everytime I log on to my computer. What can I say? Some days you’ll hear from me 5 or 6 (maybe 50 if you’re at your computer) times and other times, days or weeks go by. Where your ears burning last night? Purplebear and I had a nice chat about you. 😃 Don’t worry it was all nice stuff. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-christmas-sd-column-is-there-a-jack-dean-tyler/42421.md?page=2)