# A couple is arguing, the woman is crying & the man is cursing her. Do you intervene? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 25, 2009, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340 "2009-04-25T19:37:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![astro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/9dc877/32.png) [@astro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astro)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2009, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/1 "2009-04-25T19:37:49Z")
Per this thread I was curious what the practical attitudes of most dopers would be toward intervention in a public argument scenario similar to the one described in that thread. Setting the scene you are in a public place and hear raised voices. You turn and see a seated woman crying and an angry man is yelling at her and calling her names. You have no idea what stated the fight. You are not a policeman of similar law enforcement person, and you have no authoritative position re your presence in the public place specified. Assuming the argument had not yet escalated to violence do you mind your own business, do you tell the man to leave, do you tell them both to leave, do you call the police and stand by, do you tell the woman you are going to protect her in case he gets violent. What do you do? In my opinion you call the police and stand by and (if physically able) be ready to break them up if it does get violent. I think it might also matter if you are man or woman. I (strictly my opinion) think a woman would have a much better chance of confronting the parties and getting them to leave. A man acting as a protector of the crying woman is far more likely to be attacked by the other man. ---
**Author:** ![Gail](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Gail](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gail)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2009, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/2 "2009-04-25T19:45:22Z")
Y’know, I’ve seen a similar situation. I was getting takeout at a local restaurant and there was a young couple seated next to the door. He was berating her, telling her she everything she ever f-ing did wrong in their relationship. She wasn’t crying–just listening. As I left I wanted to distract him, by “accidentally” spilling my large iced tea on him and whispering to her, “Run! get out now, while you can!”. I didn’t do that though. Wish I had. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2009, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/3 "2009-04-25T19:48:58Z")
That sounds so awful, **Gail**. Really hope that girl did get out of that relationship on her own… ---
**Author:** ![Zabali\_Clawbane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/ecd19e/32.png) [@Zabali\_Clawbane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zabali_Clawbane)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2009, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/4 "2009-04-25T20:20:03Z")
I wouldn’t intervene so directly that he’d know it if it were a bigger town than I’m used to. I would call the police though, for public disturbance and mention any hostile/aggressive posturing on his part and my concern that blows were about to be next, if such was the case. I have been known to just stand, watching, as a guy was cursing a woman though, letting him know I was watching. Doing so in such a way that he knew I was making mental notes and would tell all I’d observed to the police if he didn’t stop right now. That method has had some success, the guy settled down and seemed sheepish that he had gotten some public disapproval. I suppose I can do the gimlet eye pretty well. ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2009, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/5 "2009-04-25T20:28:06Z")
Hell no. I have before and what generally happens is the man and the woman both turn on you and tell you to butt out. ---
**Author:** ![lavenderviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cdc98d/32.png) [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2009, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/6 "2009-04-25T20:30:55Z")
> [@Zabali\_Clawbane](#): > > I would call the police though, for public disturbance and mention any hostile/aggressive posturing on his part and my concern that blows were about to be next, if such was the case. I think this is the best way to handle it. They are indeed disturbing everyone else with their fight, and you have a right to complain about that even if the woman is willing to tolerate that kind of treatment. ---
**Author:** ![NinjaChick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/71c47a/32.png) [@NinjaChick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinjaChick)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2009, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/7 "2009-04-25T20:47:05Z")
No, because a couple arguing is none of my business whatsoever. The implication that the gender of the parties matters kind of bothers me, to be honest. Would you call the police or something if an angry woman were insulting the man she was out with and it was clearly upsetting the man? ---
**Author:** ![Oregon\_sunshine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/50afbb/32.png) [@Oregon\_sunshine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oregon_sunshine)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2009, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/8 "2009-04-25T20:52:09Z")
Why in the world would someone _call the police_ over what’s basically a loud conversation, even if it’s hostile and appears to be one-sided? #1 it’s really none of our (ie the public’s) business, #2 we _don’t_ know the whole story (and really, shouldn’t presume to), and #3 who wants cops added to an already bad day? I vote for stay the heck out of it, unless there’s physical assault involved. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2009, 8:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/9 "2009-04-25T20:54:23Z")
There’s nothing illegal about arguing and intervening has, at best, a one in a million chance of helping anyone involved. ---
**Author:** ![lavenderviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cdc98d/32.png) [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2009, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/10 "2009-04-25T21:14:59Z")
If you’re making a scene in public (or you live in an apartment building and have fights loud enough for your neighbors to notice), it becomes everyone else’s business. Even if I don’t thinkt he woman is in danger, I don’t want to have to hear it. If you can’t control yourself like most of us can, the cops will help you do it. ---
**Author:** ![Kimmy\_Gibbler](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kimmy_Gibbler)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2009, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/11 "2009-04-25T21:32:08Z")
> [@Oregon\_sunshine](#): > > Why in the world would someone _call the police_ over what’s basically a loud conversation, even if it’s hostile and appears to be one-sided? #1 it’s really none of our (ie the public’s) business, #2 we _don’t_ know the whole story (and really, shouldn’t presume to), and #3 who wants cops added to an already bad day? I vote for stay the heck out of it, unless there’s physical assault involved. For precisely the reasons given above. (1) It is a public disturbance and, accordingly, very much the public’s business. (2) The only part of the story I need to know is that inappropriate carrying-on is taking place where I and the rest of the public have a right and expectation of quiet enjoyment. (3) If you reasonably believe that your demand for decorous behavior will go unheeded or invite harm or intimidation, then, I’m sorry, but your already bad day is about to get a lot worse. ---
**Author:** ![Dinsdale](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/97f17d/32.png) [@Dinsdale](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dinsdale)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2009, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/12 "2009-04-25T21:33:05Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Hell no. I have before and what generally happens is the man and the woman both turn on you and tell you to butt out. My experience as well. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2009, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/13 "2009-04-25T22:33:56Z")
I probably wouldn’t, since I doubt it would turn out well for anyone. And I’d need more information than “He’s yelling, she’s crying” to even consider it; it’s not like he’s hitting her, just cursing her. It’s not like no woman in history has ever screwed up bad enough to provoke even a reasonable man into cursing at her. What if, for example, she bet their life savings and lost it ? Or took their kid to a faith healer instead of a doctor and he died ? And **NinjaChick** is right about the implied sexism; I really doubt anyone would call the cops over a woman cursing an unhappy man. ---
**Author:** ![Jettboy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/85e7bf/32.png) [@Jettboy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jettboy)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2009, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/14 "2009-04-25T23:30:14Z")
I wouldn’t do anything. Who knows what could have happened _before_ I got there? Maybe the woman was chewing out the man and he finally had all he could take and started bitching and cursing back? Maybe he just found out that she’s been doing the horizontal mambo with his best friend, had cleaned out their joint checking account, wrecked his new car and poisoned his dog? Maybe they are rehearsing a play? Without the context to understand the situation, a knee jerk reaction of “I’m 'gonna intervene and save this damsel in distress!” would have the potential of blowing up in my face. I suppose that I could just hang around trying to look nonchalant and wait to make sure some physical battery didn’t actually happen, but honestly that would make me seem…_weird_. Better just to mind my own business. It’s what I’d hope/expect/demand a random passer-by do for me if I was involved in an intense verbal tiff with my missus. ---
**Author:** ![ParentalAdvisory](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/53a042/32.png) [@ParentalAdvisory](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ParentalAdvisory)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2009, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/15 "2009-04-25T23:34:06Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > That sounds so awful, **Gail**. Really hope that girl did get out of that relationship on her own… There are still two sides, right? Maybe it was him that was trying to get out. You/We don’t know. ---
**Author:** ![raindog](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@raindog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/raindog)\ **Post date:** [April 25, 2009, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/16 "2009-04-25T23:53:26Z")
> [@NinjaChick](#): > > No, because a couple arguing is none of my business whatsoever. > > The implication that the gender of the parties matters kind of bothers me, to be honest. Would you call the police or something if an angry woman were insulting the man she was out with and it was clearly upsetting the man? Clearly you don’t live in same world the rest of live in. Your answer borders on PC run amok. It’s absurd. It sure does matter what the gender of the parties is. Forgetting for just a minute the typical physical differences between a man and woman and focusing on the simple fact that men _ **overwhelmingly** _ are the perpetrators, rather then the victims of domestic violence, it seems obvious to me that a woman generally has more to fear from a man that a man has to fear from a woman. ---
**Author:** ![Der\_Trihs](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/der_trihs/32/233_2.png) [@Der\_Trihs](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Der_Trihs)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2009, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/17 "2009-04-26T00:24:22Z")
> [@raindog](#): > > Forgetting for just a minute the typical physical differences between a man and woman and focusing on the simple fact that men _ **overwhelmingly** _ are the perpetrators, rather then the victims of domestic violence, it seems obvious to me that a woman generally has more to fear from a man that a man has to fear from a woman. But it’s NOT a “fact” that men are overwhelming the perpetrators - they are approximately equal. Men are more likely to be accused and convicted, but that’s mostly due to sexism in the law, and the unwillingness of men to complain. And the fact that women aren’t as strong just means that women will go for a weapon before a man will. Women are less muscular, not stupid. ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2009, 12:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/18 "2009-04-26T00:39:36Z")
Yeah, my sister and her ex would argue all the time. Loud, screaming fights and more often than not, she started it. She’d also be the first to hit. I’d stay out of it. Hell, I’d probably just assumed she deserved it. ---
**Author:** ![Laudenum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7993a0/32.png) [@Laudenum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Laudenum)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2009, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/19 "2009-04-26T00:54:01Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Hell no. I have before and what generally happens is the man and the woman both turn on you and tell you to butt out. Bingo. You’d probably either get a slap and deserve it, or you’d escalate the situation hugely. > [@Oregon\_sunshine](#): > > Why in the world would someone _call the police_ over what’s basically a loud conversation, even if it’s hostile and appears to be one-sided? Bingo again. I’d imagine the Gardai wouldn’t be too impressed if you called them about a couple having a bit of a shout. In fact, unless there was a very sympathetic ban-Garda on duty, then they might ruin your day for wating their time. > [@raindog](#): > > It sure does matter what the gender of the parties is. Forgetting for just a minute the typical physical differences between a man and woman and focusing on the simple fact that men _ **overwhelmingly** _ are the perpetrators, rather then the victims of domestic violence. Not true actually. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [April 26, 2009, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/20 "2009-04-26T00:58:59Z")
I’ve intervened several times, but the ‘man’ (and I use that term loosely) was always doing something physical as well – grabbing an arm, holding her throat. I managed to get the woman away and have her call a friend every time while the guy slunk off. It was pretty depressing being the only person (or people, when my friends were with me) to intervene. I’ve been in situations where I wished others had stepped in. That being said, I’d need to gauge the situation if there was no physical violence (or no loud threats of it). Then again, I’d chew someone out for speaking loudly on their cell phone – you’d better believe they’re not getting a pass for spewing hate at their partner. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340.md?page=2)