# A couple is arguing, the woman is crying & the man is cursing her. Do you intervene? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 25, 2009, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340 "2009-04-25T19:37:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![yojimbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yojimbo/32/232_2.png) [@yojimbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yojimbo)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2009, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/81 "2009-04-27T15:41:03Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > it’s a misdemeanor criminal offense, but regardless, it’s an offense, and it’s my business, and anyone bullying a woman in my vicinity will have to deal with me getting up in his face. Is the guy in the OP bullying though? All you know is > [@](#): > > You turn and see a seated woman crying and an angry man is yelling at her and calling her names That could be many arguments I had when viewed out of context and from afar. Is there a situation where a male can make a woman cry and use harsh language and not be a bully just a pissed off friend/relation/spouse in your book? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2009, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/82 "2009-04-27T15:44:15Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > Just how far “up in his face” are you willing to get? I don’t understand what you’re asking. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2009, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/83 "2009-04-27T15:47:05Z")
> [@yojimbo](#): > > Is the guy in the OP bullying though? > All you know is > > That could be many arguments I had when viewed out of context and from afar. > > Is there a situation where a male can make a woman cry and use harsh language and not be a bully just a pissed off friend/relation/spouse in your book? I don’t know. I don’t really care. I’m in the face regardless. If I’m wrong, too bad for me. I’d rather be wrong than be another indifferent enabler. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2009, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/84 "2009-04-27T15:50:09Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I don’t understand what you’re asking. I’m asking you if you are willing to kick somebody’s ass, or perhaps get yours kicked, over this. Or, is some shouting from a safe distance as far as you’re willng to go? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2009, 3:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/85 "2009-04-27T15:55:12Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > I’m asking you if you are willing to kick somebody’s ass, or perhaps get yours kicked, over this. Or, is some shouting from a safe distance as far as you’re willng to go? The one time it happened, I was chest to chest with the asshole and ready to go. That guy backed off, but I’m not afraid of a physical altercation, no. I won’t throw the first punch, but I’ll certainly return it. If I get my ass kicked, I don’t care. I’m going to get my licks in, and he’ll be the one who goes to jail. ---
**Author:** ![yojimbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yojimbo/32/232_2.png) [@yojimbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yojimbo)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2009, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/86 "2009-04-27T15:59:01Z")
Fair enough. I’m amazed you haven’t got or given a few smacks to be honest if that is your normal MO. I know I certainly wouldn’t have been appreciative if you got in my face when I was balling my sister out for fucking up incredibly badly with a financial issue my mother was having. I would have told you it was none of your business and just fuck off and leave us alone\*. Then what? You get all indignant and we fight? Great solution there. Or maybe I get hassled by a cop and I don’t appreciate the cop getting in my face for doing nothing other than having an argument with my sister who cries at the drop of a hat and I’ve got fuck all sympathy for because I’ve seen it all my life and it doesn’t work on me. I think I said something like “Oh stop crying you silly bitch and start telling me what you actually did” Without context you know fuck all. You’re just guessing and sticking your beak in where it’s not wanted. People argue and people cry all the time. As I’ve said violence or something that looks like it may turn violent is another issue but your yardstick seems WAY to short IMO. But horses for courses. I’m not here to change your mind. \*remember I was already very angry. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2009, 4:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/87 "2009-04-27T16:03:50Z")
It’s not exactly cool and rational for me. I have a screw loose about about it. One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother dragged around the house by her hair before being kicked and beaten. I can’t stand batterers. They set off my fight or flight. If I see a situation that sets off my radar, I go nuts. Chances are it wouldn’t trip my trigger if it wasn’t truly an abusive situation. ---
**Author:** ![msmith537](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/d9b06d/32.png) [@msmith537](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/msmith537)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2009, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/88 "2009-04-27T16:05:56Z")
I’d join in yelling at the woman for upsetting him. What? > [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > The one time it happened, I was chest to chest with the asshole and ready to go. That guy backed off, but I’m not afraid of a physical altercation, no. I won’t throw the first punch, but I’ll certainly return it. If I get my ass kicked, I don’t care. I’m going to get my licks in, and he’ll be the one who goes to jail. Oh, I wouldn’t be so sure about that. ---
**Author:** ![Poor\_College\_Student](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/d78d45/32.png) [@Poor\_College\_Student](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poor_College_Student)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2009, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/89 "2009-04-27T16:21:34Z")
Only time I’ve been around anything like this was at a chess tournament in high school, albeit different because it was a son and father, but it was still very harsh. (Please excuse the difference, it’s all I have to contribute :)) The boy, probably 10, had just lost a game, probably critical to him taking a top prize, and was getting yelled (very loudly for a chess tournament hall) at by his father in what sounded like Czech or something Germanic maybe. It was quite a disturbance, and I’d like to think the father was being unfairly harsh. I knew a Danish exchange student (this is in the US btw), who was getting very upset with what was being said. She wound up confronting him, and they talked bitterly in German, the gist of it I could understand. He told her it wasn’t any of her business, and she just telling him to calm down and please leave the hall at least. They did leave, and the poor girl was shaking afterward. Everyone was glad with what had been done. ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2009, 4:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/90 "2009-04-27T16:24:07Z")
> [@Jettboy](#): > > I think both of those could fall under the heading of “being a dick”. Neither one is a criminal offense, and neither one should warrant the intervention of the police or of some wannabe hero who thinks it’s their duty to interfere in the non-violent personal matters of complete strangers. Both are potentially criminal offenses, actually, and even civil infractions can “warrant” “police intervention” – that’s why they pull over speeders ‘n’ stuff. > [@Angry Lurker](#): > > Never heard the phrase lovers tiff? Jesus. I have, actually. Cursing out a crying woman exceeds that definition, IMO. And there’s no need to call me Jesus. I really don’t see the problem with getting the woman’s attention and speaking to her briefly, thereby making it clear to her that help is available if she needs it, and clear to him that other people are observing, and are concerned by, his actions. Sometimes that’s all it takes to defuse the situation, as **WhyNot** points out. I’m not sure at what point that consistutes “intervention,” but I am surprised to find anyone would disapprove “intervention” of only that limited degree. ---
**Author:** ![yojimbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/yojimbo/32/232_2.png) [@yojimbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yojimbo)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2009, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/91 "2009-04-27T16:42:53Z")
> [@Jodi](#): > > I’m not sure at what point that consistutes “intervention,” but I am surprised to find anyone would disapprove “intervention” of only that limited degree. You surprised people who are obvoiusly angry might not want a 3rd party intervening in a argument? Remember all the OP said was harsh language and tears. I don’t really see that as surprising at all. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2009, 5:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/92 "2009-04-27T17:03:11Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > It’s not exactly cool and rational for me. I have a screw loose about about it. One of my earliest memories is seeing my mother dragged around the house by her hair before being kicked and beaten. I can’t stand batterers. They set off my fight or flight. If I see a situation that sets off my radar, I go nuts. Chances are it wouldn’t trip my trigger if it wasn’t truly an abusive situation. Who put you in charge of deciding what is and isn’t abuse? ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2009, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/93 "2009-04-27T17:06:01Z")
> [@Quintas](#): > > I think the disagreements in this thread may be due to differences in what our mental image of “couple arguing, man cursing,woman crying” is. > > I see this question as a lovers quarrel outside the bar that many of us have been in. The girl is crying due to the emotionality of the situation and the guy is yelling and cursing. That in itself doesn’t warrant intervention. You’re right that we’re all likely picturing different situations (especially those of us who have been on the receiving end of abuse or who have stepped in to break up abusive encounters), but I’m not sure about your first example. If the guy is cursing the woman out and she’s crying, and clearly his girlfriend or wife, I’d still have a problem. Beyond an insult or two – yes, perhaps for a very good reason – what the hell is he hoping to gain by yelling and swearing at someone who’s not responding? It’s not a fight, it’s bullying, and it’s pathetic. I’d feel pretty damn uncomfortable if it was a woman doing it to a man, too, or a gay couple. One of the situations I stepped into was a woman chewing another woman out for cheating on her or something similar. The abuser was only slightly larger, but her body language (and yelling) spoke volumes – she was obviously the dominant one in their relationship. The smaller one was in tears and just taking it. It was in a public park, and just painful to watch. A friend and I broke them up and brought the crying one over to a bench where she phoned a friend. The other one looked pretty embarrassed but backed off. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2009, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/94 "2009-04-27T17:28:57Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > Who put you in charge of deciding what is and isn’t abuse? Me. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2009, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/95 "2009-04-27T17:33:49Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Me. M’kay. Just remember that in the next thread (especially a gun-related one) before you screech at anyone about taking the law into his own hands. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2009, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/96 "2009-04-27T18:17:09Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > Who put you in charge of deciding what is and isn’t abuse? Captain Dudley Smith. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2009, 6:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/97 "2009-04-27T18:21:45Z")
> [@VinylTurnip](#): > > Captain Dudley Smith. _snerk_ ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2009, 10:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/98 "2009-04-27T22:24:00Z")
> [@yojimbo](#): > > You surprised people who are obvoiusly angry might not want a 3rd party intervening in a argument? Remember all the OP said was harsh language and tears. I don’t really see that as surprising at all. Maybe I was unclear. I meant anyone outside the pair. Anyone in this thread. Any outside observer. ---
**Author:** ![Arglefraster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3bc359/32.png) [@Arglefraster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Arglefraster)\ **Post date:** [April 27, 2009, 10:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/99 "2009-04-27T22:27:50Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > Hell no. I have before and what generally happens is the man and the woman both turn on you and tell you to butt out. I saw this happen on the light rail (small train) once. A girl tried to get on at one of the stops. Her boyfriend/husband/whatever had a hold of her arm, and was saying “get back here you bitch”. He was physically restraining her from getting on the light rail, and she was crying and looked scared. A guy who was sitting close to the door tried to get between the girl and the guy to help her get on the light rail. The couple started yelling at the guy who was trying to help. The girl was every bit as pissed at him as the guy was. ---
**Author:** ![Kalypso](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/df705f/32.png) [@Kalypso](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalypso)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2009, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/100 "2009-04-28T00:40:37Z")
I wish someone had intervened all the times when I was the woman in the scenario. I might have realized it wasn’t all my fault and I didn’t deserve to be treated that way a good deal sooner than I did. I have a decent IQ, I have an MS in physics, but I was so far inside the abuse I didn’t even know I was being abused. I’m sorry, it’s really hard to explain, but earlier someone said that the woman had a right to walk away whenever she wanted, but when you’re in it, it’s not that that seems like a bad option, it’s not even on the list of options. I’d intervene if I saw it now, by not confronting the guy directly but by walking up and saying, “Hey, is everything ok here?” and then I would ask the woman if she needed help, or if she’d like me to call a friend for her, things like that. If she said she didn’t want help, that would be fine, but perhaps if she’s being abused it would help her see that society does not see that kind of interaction as normal. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340.md?page=6)