# A couple is arguing, the woman is crying & the man is cursing her. Do you intervene? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 25, 2009, 7:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340 "2009-04-25T19:37:49Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 6
**Author:** ![taco\_machine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e47c2d/32.png) [@taco\_machine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/taco_machine)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2009, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/101 "2009-04-28T00:42:54Z")
If I’m angry enough to yell at my wife like the scenario above, I would actually welcome a “hero” confronting me about it because chances are I would like to hit someone a lot, and I would never hit my wife so people like Diogenes would make an incredibly compelling alternative. I never have hit my wife and never will but she’s gotten me extremely angry before so in those moments it would be an incredibly bad idea to interfere. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2009, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/102 "2009-04-28T00:46:32Z")
Ooh, a tough guy. I’m so intimidated. ---
**Author:** ![cerberus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/71e660/32.png) [@cerberus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cerberus)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2009, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/103 "2009-04-28T00:51:18Z")
Let’s work out some paths: 1. Intervene, CroMag beats you down, FeMag sides with CroMag. Fail 2. Intervene, CroMag beats you down, FeMag sides with You and Police, CroMag has a new enemy for life. Legal penalties are trivial for domestic abuse, Fail 3. Intervene, You beat CroMag down, see variations on 1 and 2, with you possibly also facing assualt/battery/etc…Fail 4. Intervene via 911 to police - this might work. There’s an entire subculture of CroMags, with their pair-bonded FeMags who purposefully stay. It’s a long process for a FeMag to leave this situation, and being a White Knight isn’t part of it. FeMag has to get sufficiently sick of it to leave on her own - anyone getting involved is likely to become/experience collateral damage. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2009, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/104 "2009-04-28T01:11:57Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Ooh, a tough guy. I’m so intimidated. My future links to this thread are going to be sweeter than honeyed wine. ---
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2009, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/105 "2009-04-28T01:15:17Z")
> [@taco\_machine](#): > > If I’m angry enough to yell at my wife like the scenario above, I would actually welcome a “hero” confronting me about it because chances are I would like to hit someone a lot, and I would never hit my wife so people like Diogenes would make an incredibly compelling alternative. > > I never have hit my wife and never will but she’s gotten me extremely angry before so in those moments it would be an incredibly bad idea to interfere. Wait, you’d hit someone just over asking if everything was okay? How is that not assault? ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2009, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/106 "2009-04-28T01:18:33Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > Wait, you’d hit someone just over asking if everything was okay? How is that not assault? I don’t think he’s talking about somebody asking if everything is okay. I believe he’s talking more about a situation like **Sir Diogenes the Justicar** getting “all up in his face.” ---
**Author:** ![Race\_Harley](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ecccb3/32.png) [@Race\_Harley](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Race_Harley)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2009, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/107 "2009-04-28T01:47:10Z")
> [@DigitalC](#): > > No violence = not my bussiness. Second that! If anything, buy a bag of popcorn if you really want to watch the show. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Fight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/90ced4/32.png) [@Cat\_Fight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Fight)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2009, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/108 "2009-04-28T02:56:10Z")
> [@Kalypso](#): > > I wish someone had intervened all the times when I was the woman in the scenario. I might have realized it wasn’t all my fault and I didn’t deserve to be treated that way a good deal sooner than I did. This is why I do it (and, while it’s usually on instinct, I’m pretty sure I always open with, ‘Excuse me, is everything okay here?’ too). I know people who have lived in that bubble and they’ve got to remember that even if it happens every day, it’s _not normal_. Man or woman, adult or child, being on the receiving end of someone else’s constant spew of vitriol is not healthy. Don’t think anyone’s mentioned it yet, but \*\*Dateline NBC \*\*has run a similar scenario during their ‘What Would You Do?’ hidden camera segment (in addition to scenes of a nanny verbally abusing a child, a couple shouting loudly, racist deli workers…). Not sure if it’s online, though. Whatever their ultimate value, I always find those shows fascinating. ---
**Author:** ![Jodi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/7feea3/32.png) [@Jodi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jodi)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2009, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/109 "2009-04-28T03:19:07Z")
> [@taco\_machine](#): > > If I’m angry enough to yell at my wife like the scenario above, I would actually welcome a “hero” confronting me about it because chances are I would like to hit someone a lot, and I would never hit my wife so people like Diogenes would make an incredibly compelling alternative. This is how you get a night’s stay at one of our many fine local correctional facilities, known for efficiency if not comfort. If you can manage to swing that punch on a Friday, you’ll probably get to stay for three whole days. What an incredibly compelling alternative that would be! ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2009, 4:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/110 "2009-04-28T04:09:58Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > My future links to this thread are going to be sweeter than honeyed wine. There will be no “future links” in this thread-why don’t the both of you take it to the BBQ Pit. ---
**Author:** ![Turek](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/turek/32/18782_2.png) [@Turek](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Turek)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2009, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/111 "2009-04-28T17:11:23Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Ooh, a tough guy. I’m so intimidated. That’s hilarious, after all you got all bowed-up and blustery earlier in the thread. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![Magiver](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/4491bb/32.png) [@Magiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Magiver)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2009, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/112 "2009-04-28T17:41:06Z")
I was at a restaurant recently where a guy at the bar was treating a waiter rudely. I asked another server if the guy was always an asshole loud enough for him to hear me. If he wanted to take a shot at it I was willing to show him the floor. ---
**Author:** ![Laudenum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/7993a0/32.png) [@Laudenum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Laudenum)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2009, 5:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/113 "2009-04-28T17:59:20Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Ooh, a tough guy. I’m so intimidated. Pot and kettle. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2009, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/114 "2009-04-28T23:35:44Z")
One time I was waiting in line at the mall and this little punk tried to cut in front of me. I bent down and got IN HIS FACE and was like “yo Diego, unless you wanna trade that diaper for a full body cast, you better STEP the FUCK BACK.” Little bitch started CRYING, you believe that shit? And yeah, I got banned from the mall and never got to see Santa, but it was worth it to see that little pussy hide behind his mama’s legs. He knew he bit off more than he could chew with that one. I’ll go toe-to-toe with anyone, I don’t care what grade they’re in. That’s just how I roll. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2009, 6:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/115 "2009-04-29T06:48:59Z")
As a professional who has dealt with domestic violence situations countless times I would recommend staying the fuck out. If you feel that it might escalate, call 911. As for a couple of other things that came up (your jurisdiction may vary): yelling is not assault. An argument is not going to be disorderly conduct unless it continues after the parties are instructed by the police. ---
**Author:** ![teela\_brown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d9b06d/32.png) [@teela\_brown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/teela_brown)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2009, 10:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/116 "2009-04-29T22:21:18Z")
We called 911 just this last Christmas eve for just this scenario. Our shared-wall neighbors were out in the front yard, and the asshole guy (we’ve seen enough of his behavior for years to call him an asshole) was BELLOWING and cursing at his wife, who was crouched down on the driveway crying. It started getting louder and dangerous sounding, and we had had enough. We called the cops on him. The cops came and dragged him away and held him face down on the asphalt. The idiot just kept yammering and cursing away at the patient cop until the cop had had enough and yelled at him, “Look, just SHUT UP.” The only exchange we could hear was the asshole saying “I can drink in my own house, goddammit!” The policeman said, “Well, you’re not in your own house now. You’re out on the street, and I can arrest you for being drunk and disorderly!” The other cop spoke with the woman who continued to cry and I suppose explained what was going on. After an hour or so, the neighbors got in a car together and drove off. ::sigh:: ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2009, 12:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340/117 "2009-04-30T12:58:55Z")
Tough certainly not the most likely scenario [here](http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,518372,00.html)is one example why jumping into the middle of an argument might not be a good idea. > [@](#): > > Though the motive remains a mystery, Athens-Clark Police Station Capt. Clarence Holman told The Oak Ridger newspaper in Tennessee that Zinkhan, 57, argued with his wife before opening fire and may have shot Teague when he “tried to calm the situation.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-couple-is-arguing-the-woman-is-crying-the-man-is-cursing-her-do-you-intervene/494340.md?page=5)