# A coworker always compliments you about your looks.
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700
**Category:** In My Humble Opinion
**Created:** [May 18, 2013, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700 "2013-05-18T21:41:07Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)
#### Post date: [May 18, 2013, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/1 "2013-05-18T21:41:07Z")
Almost every day, this person says something complimentary. Not pervy or borderline inappropriate. Just incessant.
You’ll be standing in the breakroom in a mixed group, and this coworker will chime in with comments directed only at you.
Doesn’t matter if you are dressed unusually well or you’re covered in mud. This person always says the same thing.
Would you be irritated by the attention?
Or would you feel flattered?
Just continue thanking the person for their kind words?
Or do you ask them to stop?
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### Author:  [@Archaic\_Entity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Archaic_Entity)
#### Post date: [May 18, 2013, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/2 "2013-05-18T21:42:20Z")
> [@monstro](#):
>
> Almost every day, this person says something complimentary. Not pervy or borderline inappropriate. Just incessant.
>
> You’ll be standing in the breakroom in a mixed group, and this coworker will chime in with comments directed only at you.
>
> Doesn’t matter if you are dressed unusually well or you’re covered in mud. This person always says the same thing.
>
> Would you be irritated by the attention?
>
> Or would you feel flattered?
>
> Just continue thanking the person for their kind words?
>
> Or do you ask them to stop?
Sounds like a free dinner to me.
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### Author:  [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)
#### Post date: [May 18, 2013, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/3 "2013-05-18T22:04:51Z")
I had a co worker who would do that, and it was funny, cause, some days, I really was dragging myself to work late, rumpled and crumpled, coming off a double shift the night before, squinting over my coffee. She did it to everybody. I don’t know if she was secretly mocking us all or if she had learned somewhere to always say something nice, and she just went overboard with it…
It was, “you look nice today!” or, zooming in on a co workers ratty hat, “I love your hat!”
My strategy was to just turn it back on her. If she told me I was gorgeous, despite my plain and drab work getup, I said, “thanks, you are stunning today.” And left it at that.
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### Author:  [@EmAnJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EmAnJ)
#### Post date: [May 18, 2013, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/4 "2013-05-18T22:11:27Z")
I don’t get it every day, but there is one guy I work with who is always complimenting me on my clothes or hair. Especially my hair. It’s not done in a fake way though, and it always makes my day, tbh.
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### Author:  [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)
#### Post date: [May 18, 2013, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/5 "2013-05-18T22:12:11Z")
**Nzinga** , do you think you’d feel differently if she only complimented you and no one else?
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### Author:  [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)
#### Post date: [May 18, 2013, 10:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/6 "2013-05-18T22:20:57Z")
> [@monstro](#):
>
> **Nzinga** , do you think you’d feel differently if she only complimented you and no one else?
Yeah, I would think, “This bitch tryna be funny!”
But, it depends, monstro. I had a coworker who sat right next to me and she was very prideful of her looks. She came in every day dressed to KILL. Make up immaculate, hair laid, clothes color coordinated and she even matched her shirts to her man’s ties, (he worked down the aisle). No kidding, she meant biz, and she kept a mirror on her desk at all times. Someone like her, I could see getting compliments daily by Complimentary Co-Worker and it not being weird.
But for it to be just me…someone who doesn’t even wear make-up…it just would seem like she was mocking me.
If it were me and I was more like Dressed-to-the-nines Coworker, I might start to think perhaps she had a little crush.
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### Author:  [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)
#### Post date: [May 18, 2013, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/7 "2013-05-18T22:31:32Z")
I’m definitely not like your dressed-to-the-nines coworker!!
I don’t think the guy is tryna be funny. But I still feel weird by his attention. He doesn’t compliment the other women on the floor. I’ll be standing with one of them and here he comes, telling me how elegant I am, in my run-over Tevas and granny sweaters. While the other chick is standing there like WTF?
But whenever I acknowledge to myself that I’m weirded out, I hear a voice in my head telling me that I’m being an oversensitive feminazi who should be glad I get any compliments.
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### Author:  [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)
#### Post date: [May 18, 2013, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/8 "2013-05-18T22:35:46Z")
> [@monstro](#):
>
> I’m definitely not like your dressed-to-the-nines coworker!!
>
> I don’t think the guy is tryna be funny. But I still feel weird by his attention. He doesn’t compliment the other women on the floor. I’ll be standing with one of them and here he comes, telling me how elegant I am, in my run-over Tevas and granny sweaters. While the other chick is standing there like WTF?
>
> But whenever I acknowledge to myself that I’m weirded out, I hear a voice in my head telling me that I’m being an oversensitive feminazi who should be glad I get any compliments.
Ohhh! Yeah, this dude has a crush or something. Feminzazism has nothing to do with it. It is straight up harassment if he is constantly giving you attention you don’t want. You gotta tell him to knock it off, or else you are going to have to report him, monstro.
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### Author:  [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)
#### Post date: [May 18, 2013, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/9 "2013-05-18T23:43:09Z")
> [@monstro](#):
>
> I’m definitely not like your dressed-to-the-nines coworker!!
>
> I don’t think the guy is tryna be funny. But I still feel weird by his attention. He doesn’t compliment the other women on the floor. I’ll be standing with one of them and here he comes, telling me how elegant I am, in my run-over Tevas and granny sweaters. While the other chick is standing there like WTF?
>
> But whenever I acknowledge to myself that I’m weirded out, I hear a voice in my head telling me that I’m being an oversensitive feminazi who should be glad I get any compliments.
Tell the voice in your head to kindly STFU, it doesn’t know what it’s talking about. You have a reasonable expectation, in the workplace, of not being the object of attention of this sort that makes you feel uncomfortable. I don’t know if it rises to the level of sexual harassment or not, but you certainly have the right to (diplomatically but firmly) tell this bozo to cut it out. You really shouldn’t have to put up with this guy’s unwanted and inappropriate attention.
Talk with your boss about this, if your boss is someone you feel you can trust about this. If not, find out who the appropriate person in HR is to raise this issue with, if your employer is big enough to have an HR department that’s sufficiently removed from the people who do the actual work to be safe.
If neither of these options is something you feel comfortable with, consider sending him an email basically saying that while you’re sure he means well with the compliments, they are making you feel uncomfortable, and you are formally requesting that he cease with the unsolicited compliments. In addition, tell him you do not wish to be approached with questions about why the compliments make you feel uncomfortable; you do not wish to discuss the matter further at all: you just want the compliments to end, and to not be replaced by any conversation about the compliments.
Should he continue to be a problem, the email is your documentation that this behavior had been happening, and that you informed him of your desire that he terminate it.
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### Author:  [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)
#### Post date: [May 19, 2013, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/10 "2013-05-19T00:04:46Z")
Flattery like that can be embarrassing and awkward, even if it is meant innocently. The next time he does it, maybe you could thank him for being sweet, but that you’d rather he hold back the compliments because they make you feel self-conscious. I wouldn’t worry about telling him this in private either. If you say in front of other people, perhaps others will pipe up with a “yeah, man, can’t you see her squirming over here?”. He probably needs that kind of mild social kick in the ass.
If he doesn’t quit, then go to management.
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### Author:  [@stoplight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stoplight)
#### Post date: [May 19, 2013, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/11 "2013-05-19T00:14:49Z")
> [@RTFirefly](#):
>
> Tell the voice in your head to kindly STFU, it doesn’t know what it’s talking about. You have a reasonable expectation, in the workplace, of not being the object of attention of this sort that makes you feel uncomfortable. I don’t know if it rises to the level of sexual harassment or not, but you certainly have the right to (diplomatically but firmly) tell this bozo to cut it out. You really shouldn’t have to put up with this guy’s unwanted and inappropriate attention.
>
> Talk with your boss about this, if your boss is someone you feel you can trust about this. If not, find out who the appropriate person in HR is to raise this issue with, if your employer is big enough to have an HR department that’s sufficiently removed from the people who do the actual work to be safe.
>
> If neither of these options is something you feel comfortable with, consider sending him an email basically saying that while you’re sure he means well with the compliments, they are making you feel uncomfortable, and you are formally requesting that he cease with the unsolicited compliments. In addition, tell him you do not wish to be approached with questions about why the compliments make you feel uncomfortable; you do not wish to discuss the matter further at all: you just want the compliments to end, and to not be replaced by any conversation about the compliments.
>
> Should he continue to be a problem, the email is your documentation that this behavior had been happening, and that you informed him of your desire that he terminate it.
Cut the guy some slack…don’t go Feminazi on the guy without giving him the opportunity to hear what you have to say. If after he continues then its harassment, until then its just talk.
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### Author:  [@jz78817](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jz78817)
#### Post date: [May 19, 2013, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/12 "2013-05-19T00:16:15Z")
I wouldn’t know what to do. nobody’s ever complimented me on my appearance. probably with good reason.
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### Author:  [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)
#### Post date: [May 19, 2013, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/13 "2013-05-19T01:12:41Z")
I did talk to him once. I told him that his compliments are nice, but I don’t need to hear them everyday.
“I’m just trying to be NICE,” he said. “Can’t a guy be NICE anymore? Sheesh.”
That was a month ago. He hasn’t stopped. Only now he adds that he’s being sincere. “You’re really beautiful…and I hope you know I mean that.”
He’s old. Past retirement. So I’m not trying to get the guy fired or make his sunset years with the agency any more awkward than they have to be.
I just wanted to know how other people would handle it, if they were in my shoes.
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### Author:  [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)
#### Post date: [May 19, 2013, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/14 "2013-05-19T01:16:18Z")
I’m a fair warning type. If it really bothered me, I would warn him that if it continues I will have to report him, and then I would do just that. And as others have said, document, document, document.
I learned the hard way, in a totally unrelated work incident, documentation is always your friend in the workplace.
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### Author:  [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)
#### Post date: [May 19, 2013, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/15 "2013-05-19T01:19:05Z")
> [@monstro](#):
>
> I did talk to him once. I told him that his compliments are nice, but I don’t need to hear them everyday.
>
> “I’m just trying to be NICE,” he said. “Can’t a guy be NICE anymore? Sheesh.”
>
> That was a month ago. He hasn’t stopped. Only now he adds that he’s being sincere. “You’re really beautiful…and I hope you know I mean that.”
>
> He’s old. Past retirement. So I’m not trying to get the guy fired or make his sunset years with the agency any more awkward than they have to be.
>
> I just wanted to know how other people would handle it, if they were in my shoes.
In that case I’d tell your boss.
---
### Author:  [@stoplight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stoplight)
#### Post date: [May 19, 2013, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/16 "2013-05-19T01:21:42Z")
> [@monstro](#):
>
> I did talk to him once. I told him that his compliments are nice, but I don’t need to hear them everyday.
>
> “I’m just trying to be NICE,” he said. “Can’t a guy be NICE anymore? Sheesh.”
>
> That was a month ago. He hasn’t stopped. Only now he adds that he’s being sincere. “You’re really beautiful…and I hope you know I mean that.”
>
> He’s old. Past retirement. So I’m not trying to get the guy fired or make his sunset years with the agency any more awkward than they have to be.
>
> I just wanted to know how other people would handle it, if they were in my shoes.
is the situation worthy of one more warning? if that fails, you have every right to predict his future…paper trail time!!!
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### Author:  [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)
#### Post date: [May 19, 2013, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/17 "2013-05-19T01:26:58Z")
I’m not going to report him. I’ve done the report-him-to-the-boss thing before, and it was nightmarish for everyone involved. Especially for me.
I can be more assertive, though.
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### Author:  [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)
#### Post date: [May 19, 2013, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/18 "2013-05-19T01:28:50Z")
What will you say?
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### Author:  [@epbrown01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/epbrown01)
#### Post date: [May 19, 2013, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/19 "2013-05-19T01:31:46Z")
> [@monstro](#):
>
> I just wanted to know how other people would handle it, if they were in my shoes.
I’ve always stuck with Miss Manners’ advice when a letter writer asked her “what do you say when you get a compliment from someone you don’t care for?” “Thank you.” From what you’ve said, this guy causes you a momentary frisson of discomfort when he compliments you. Meh. Rather than plan a campaign of counter-action or spend time analyzing why you, move on and don’t let it bother you.
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### Author:  [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)
#### Post date: [May 19, 2013, 1:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/20 "2013-05-19T01:42:12Z")
> [@stoplight](#):
>
> Cut the guy some slack…don’t go Feminazi on the guy without giving him the opportunity to hear what you have to say.
I’m not clear on what you have a problem with here - the idea of emailing him, or seeking counsel from appropriate people (boss, HR) about how to deal with this situation?
If seeking advice from the appropriate people is ‘going Feminazi,’ then ‘going Feminazi’ is something I’ve made a regular habit of throughout my life, and I’m a guy.
> [@](#):
>
> If after he continues then its harassment, until then its just talk.
Are you a lawyer? Because I rather suspect that you’d not only have to be a lawyer, but you’d want to be working in this particular area of the law, in order to have a clear idea of where one crosses the line into sexual harassment.
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