# A coworker always compliments you about your looks. **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [May 18, 2013, 9:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700 "2013-05-18T21:41:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Son\_of\_a\_Rich](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/son_of_a_rich/32/5439_2.png) [@Son\_of\_a\_Rich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Son_of_a_Rich)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2013, 5:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/41 "2013-05-19T17:30:36Z")
Give him a sarcastic “yeah, _right_”. ---
**Author:** ![stoplight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea666f/32.png) [@stoplight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stoplight)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2013, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/42 "2013-05-19T17:33:40Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > I don’t know what you’re getting at. > > If he called me a dumb broad and told me to go fix him lunch, that would score a “9”. > > If he asked if I need any help with my spreadsheets because he knows girls get overwhelmed so easily, that would score a “7”. > > He compliments me daily on my visual presentation. Is this akin to him dragging by my hair into a cave? No. Is it still annoying? Sure. So it rates as a “3”. > > I don’t know what you think I’m conflicted about. based on what you said, its a 3, you not going to report him, sounds good to me.. and you responded earlier with this.. I’m a feminist because I want women to be treated the same as men in the workplace. This doesn’t mean I just want to be paid the same. I want people to give me the same personal distance and respect that they would give me if I were a dude. How would you feel if another dude kept complimenting you on your looks? What if he complimented you in front of male coworkers, singling you out? **When this guy can’t say a single thing to me except “You are so lovely today!”, it makes me feel like he doesn’t view me as an intellectual equal** where does this rank on your annoyance scale? ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2013, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/43 "2013-05-19T18:07:49Z")
It ranks a 3!!! Damn. I’m about to report YOU to HR. You keep running up on her with this. She already told you, it ranks a 3. Just because he may not view her as an intellectual equal, that doesn’t mean his view has the power to make her blood boil. It ranks a three. ---
**Author:** ![stoplight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ea666f/32.png) [@stoplight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stoplight)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2013, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/44 "2013-05-19T18:22:14Z")
perhaps I did not explain myself well enough. I see them as two different concerns. Its a 3…that he compliments her…not seeing her as intellectual equal seems to me a much different issue. Maybe I am wrong… ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Drake](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ad7895/32.png) [@Dr.Drake](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Drake)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2013, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/45 "2013-05-19T18:56:08Z")
I have had coworkers who did not see me as an intellectual equal, for a variety of reasons (different specialty, insecurity, age, whatever). Unless that perception is impinging upon my work or my comfort level, who cares? Taking gender out of it, if someone made a daily comment that was nice on the surface but underneath it was kind of controlling / belittling, and that person was “old. Past retirement,” I would probably rate it a 3, too. Annoying, something I’d like to stop, but not necessarily something to escalate. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2013, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/46 "2013-05-19T19:56:19Z")
> [@stoplight](#): > > perhaps I did not explain myself well enough. I see them as two different concerns. Its a 3..that he compliments her…not seeing her as intellectual equal seems to me a much different issue. Maybe I am wrong.. It doesn’t sound like this guy is a close colleague or someone who actually is a part of her immediate work unit. Perhaps it ranks just a “3” to her because he of zero consequence to her job. ---
**Author:** ![BlankSlate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/blankslate/32/80_2.png) [@BlankSlate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlankSlate)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2013, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/47 "2013-05-19T21:26:41Z")
Being nice isn’t working, so if it happens again, try to look as bored as possible and say “whatever, grandpa”. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2013, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/48 "2013-05-19T21:29:56Z")
> [@Nzinga\_Seated](#): > > It ranks a 3!!! Damn. I’m about to report YOU to HR. You keep running up on her with this. She already told you, it ranks a 3. Just because he may not view her as an intellectual equal, that doesn’t mean his view has the power to make her blood boil. It ranks a three. LOL. I wish I could take you to work with me. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2013, 10:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/49 "2013-05-19T22:04:05Z")
> [@Nzinga\_Seated](#): > > The thing is, the work place has really drawn a line on this kind of thing. Corporate America ‘don’t play’ when it comes to sexual harassment. > > But if someone is giving lots of unwanted attention to a coworker, they really don’t have any excuse to play the ‘just being nice card’ because the companies have been super clear about this. We all read the pamphlets and sat through the meetings and watched the videos and had the lectures. All of us. So if one still can’t tell the difference between being nice and giving the kind of incessant compliments that makes one feel uneasy even after being told by the object of his comments, he needs to hear it from management. He probably won’t be fired, but he will maybe be given a strong reminder of the anti-harassment rules, and a write up to make him understand that it’s serious. At what point does an innocent "just being nice’ comment cross over to sexual harassment? If it is simply that the receiver takes it amiss, then at what point do we draw the line? How about “Good Morning!” ? Is it “unwanted attention”? Sure, for a “not morning person” who hates chipper dudes in the early hours. Can they report this to HR too? So, yeah- how the receiver perceives the comment is important, but also how the issuer means it. Other wise anything could be considered “unwelcome” by those who don’t like even being talked to by anyone, or those hypersensitive. Yes, Sexual harassment NEEDS to be taken seriously, which is why it should never be trivialized. Once it is trivialized, then it won’t be taken seriously. And “just a write up” You do understand that in most companies, that means a death knell- never any promotions, etc? ---
**Author:** ![Nzinga\_Seated](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/b5ac83/32.png) [@Nzinga\_Seated](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nzinga_Seated)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2013, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/50 "2013-05-19T22:08:35Z")
> [@DrDeth](#): > > At what point does an innocent "just being nice’ comment cross over to sexual harassment? > > If it is simply that the receiver takes it amiss, then at what point do we draw the line? How about “Good Morning!” ? Is it “unwanted attention”? Sure, for a “not morning person” who hates chipper dudes in the early hours. Can they report this to HR too? > > So, yeah- how the receiver perceives the comment is important, but also how the issuer means it. Other wise anything could be considered “unwelcome” by those who don’t like even being talked to by anyone, or those hypersensitive. > > Yes, Sexual harassment NEEDS to be taken seriously, which is why it should never be trivialized. Once it is trivialized, then it won’t be taken seriously. > > And “just a write up” You do understand that in most companies, that means a death knell- never any promotions, etc? Wow! Is that what a write up means in most companies? I did not know that. But, yeah, I agree with you that harassment shouldn’t be trivialized. But like I said, most companies, have really, really been clear about this. Giving compliments to the opposite sex over and over after being asked to stop is definitely the kind of thing that companies frown on these days. This is one of those things that corporate America has already drawn the line on. Just like racial comments, or religious comments in the workplace, this is one of those things that is already decided by the companies as not acceptable. ---
**Author:** ![R3d\_Anonymous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/aeb1de/32.png) [@R3d\_Anonymous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/R3d_Anonymous)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2013, 10:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/51 "2013-05-19T22:28:44Z")
Why don’t you just ask him if he likes you? If he says “yes”, then just tell him you don’t like him politely and that you want the complimenting to stop. Is this a good idea? Personally I know nothing about these kinds of situations, so this is purely a guess. ---
**Author:** ![Cazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cazzle/32/75_2.png) [@Cazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cazzle)\ **Post date:** [May 19, 2013, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/52 "2013-05-19T22:30:51Z")
One of my co-workers used to call me Little One. I hated it. I like the guy, and I know he liked me and I think he meant it affectionately, but it was patronising, and he typically did it after I fixed his computer for him so it made me feel like he was trivializing the help I had given him. I defeated it by echoing it back. When he said “Thanks, Little One”, I’d reply “No worries, Little One”. He looked puzzled and troubled the first few times and then, he stopped. Occasionally he’d forget and do it again, but even that eventually came to a stop. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2013, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/53 "2013-05-20T02:42:29Z")
> [@DrDeth](#): > > At what point does an innocent "just being nice’ comment cross over to sexual harassment? The point is, there’s no need to walk right up to the line, and only stop just before crossing over. Y’know, I’ve got a lot of good-looking female co-workers. But I compliment them on their looks just about never. You know what I compliment them about? Work stuff. Everybody, male or female, seems to appreciate being noticed for doing their part of a project well. And I’m sure that in a workplace, women professionals appreciate being recognized for their smarts and capabilities, rather than their looks. This really isn’t rocket science. ---
**Author:** ![Chessic\_Sense](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/7c8e57/32.png) [@Chessic\_Sense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chessic_Sense)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2013, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/54 "2013-05-20T03:22:48Z")
I’d just like to point out that his reaction of “can’t a guy just compliment a girl?” was not a position based in logic, but emotion. He was embarrassed by being challenged on his behavior, so he tried to defend himself and save face. That’s all the comment amounted to, so don’t try to read further into it. The fact that he continues to make such comments indicates that he didn’t quite understand what he was being told the first time. He may have thought she was just in a pissy mood or maybe thought he just said it the wrong way that day. I’d bet he didn’t realize you were telling him that the comments were feeling like sexual harassment. If it were me, I’d try the confrontation again in less uncertain terms. I’d say something like “When you comment on my appearance, it makes me feel harassed in the workplace. I’d like it to stop.” By gracefully using “I” phrasing, it avoids triggering his defense reflex, but at the same time makes it clear that you’re really talking about sexual harassment, which should scare him enough to quit. If _that_ doesn’t work, then he must not have any attachment to his employment, and I’d have no qualms about getting him fired. In a perfect world, the OP shouldn’t have to do any of this. But we don’t live in a perfect world, and sometimes people are obtuse. The OP, of course, has a right to her feelings and a right to work without harassment, so she can take any course of action she chooses, but I think this is the most conflict-free, successful route to take. ---
**Author:** ![Kaio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/c68b51/32.png) [@Kaio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kaio)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2013, 5:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/55 "2013-05-20T05:22:20Z")
> [@DrDeth](#): > > At what point does an innocent "just being nice’ comment cross over to sexual harassment? Dude, SHE HAS ALREADY ASKED HIM TO STOP AND HE HAS REFUSED TO RESPECT HER WISHES. He left that line behind him a few miles ago. > [@Chessic\_Sense](#): > > The fact that he continues to make such comments indicates that he didn’t quite understand what he was being told the first time. Or that he understood but didn’t care, because don’t you know the universe revolves around what HE wants? ---
**Author:** ![stui\_magpie](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stui_magpie/32/11010_2.png) [@stui\_magpie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/stui_magpie)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2013, 6:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/56 "2013-05-20T06:51:29Z")
From what I read you didn’t actually tell him to stop, just said that he didn’t need to do it all the time. So you tried to be subtle and it didn’t work. My suggestion is there’s a way to deal with it without nuking his arse and that is by addressing not whether the behaviour is right or wrong but how it makes you feel. eg, next time you have a chance say something like, “Look, I know you said you’re only trying to be nice, and I appreciate that, but when you constantly compliment me like that I feel really uncomfortable. You may think that’s silly but it’s how I feel, so I’d really appreciate it if you could stop it please” A genuinely “Nice Guy” will agree and stop it because he doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable. A douche will continue and you can report him to the boss knowing you gave him a fair chance. I’ve used that trick before and advised people how to use it when you have a person who gets very defensive when approached about their behaviour. Turn it around, don’t get into the argument about whether the behaviour is right or wrong, that’s irrelevant it’s what impact it has on you that counts. ---
**Author:** ![panaccione](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@panaccione](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panaccione)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2013, 6:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/57 "2013-05-20T06:54:11Z")
Flattered. ---
**Author:** ![panaccione](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/94ad74/32.png) [@panaccione](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panaccione)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2013, 7:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/58 "2013-05-20T07:09:19Z")
Yeah, after reading the rest of the thread, that does seem rather annoying. How long has this been going on? Do you think if you just ignore it be will eventually stop? ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2013, 8:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/59 "2013-05-20T08:11:56Z")
Given that you’ve already asked nicely and got nowhere, perhaps a bit of public embarrassment is called for. You say this happens in group situations. I wonder if you can call it out by saying, ‘That’s very nice of you, Bob. Haven’t you got something nice to say about Amy too?’ ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [May 20, 2013, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700/60 "2013-05-20T16:16:09Z")
The type of compliment is creeping me out. “You are very beautiful” is far more uncomfortable than “You look very nice today” or “that is a nice skirt”. It’s a very personal comment, and I’d be annoyed if I was getting that every day. OP is right to be uncomfortable. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-compliments-you-about-your-looks/658700.md?page=4)