# A coworker always gives you Christmas presents but you never reciprocate. Are you an asshole? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [December 15, 2019, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-gives-you-christmas-presents-but-you-never-reciprocate-are-you-an-asshole/844892 "2019-12-15T14:53:16Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Bear\_Nenno](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bear_nenno/32/3358_2.png) [@Bear\_Nenno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bear_Nenno)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2019, 9:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-gives-you-christmas-presents-but-you-never-reciprocate-are-you-an-asshole/844892/21 "2019-12-16T09:51:05Z")
Did you write them a Thank You letter expressing your appreciation? If so, you’re definitely not an ass. If not, then you’re maybe not an ass. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2019, 10:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-gives-you-christmas-presents-but-you-never-reciprocate-are-you-an-asshole/844892/22 "2019-12-16T10:28:26Z")
Weird. Are there other behaviors which she does that bother you or is it limited to Christmas? ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2019, 12:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-gives-you-christmas-presents-but-you-never-reciprocate-are-you-an-asshole/844892/23 "2019-12-16T12:26:55Z")
> [@Voyager](#): > > Or they might be totally clueless, which falls under weird. > You could say “thanks, but I don’t believe in giving gifts in the workplace” - assuming you have been good about hiding the gifts you do give. If the person persists, you don’t have to feel guilty at all. > > And no one has said it explicitly so far, but you aren’t an asshole, even if you don’t give them a hint to stop. > How long has this been going on? I want to recalibrate my cluelessness meter. > [@TokyoBayer](#): > > Weird. Are there other behaviors which she does that bother you or is it limited to Christmas? I tried so hard to frame the OP as a hypothetical, but I guess y’all were able to see through it. 🙂 And somehow **TokyoBayer** was able to correctly guess the gender of the coworker. Yes, there’s a history of weirdness between this individual and me. Not anything bothersome enough to go to HR with, but still annoying enough for someone (me) who really doesn’t like dealing with people all that much. She gave me a gift card worth $25, as she does every year. It’s a not a fur coat, but…I don’t think I’d ever spend that much even on a coworker I was friends with. She also presented me with this gift a week before the gifts are typically distributed, leaving me with a week to decide whether I should give her something in return or not. A friend of mine assured me I would not be an asshole if I decided to “not”. But that doesn’t keep me from feeling like an asshole. I actually think I’m going to follow **kayT’s** advice and give her something small. I recognize I’m doing it solely to assuage my guilt conscious, and I’m OK with this. ---
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2019, 12:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-gives-you-christmas-presents-but-you-never-reciprocate-are-you-an-asshole/844892/24 "2019-12-16T12:28:49Z")
A gift buyer shouldn’t expect any kind of reciprocal value in a return gift. I recall that, in his autobiography, Rod Stewart revealed that one Christmas he bought Elton John a novelty bar fridge that, at the touch of a button, offered up a bottle of beer in a cloud of vapour. In return Elton had bought him Rembrandt’s _The Adoration of the Shepherds._ ---
**Author:** ![overlyverbose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/9dc877/32.png) [@overlyverbose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/overlyverbose)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2019, 2:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-gives-you-christmas-presents-but-you-never-reciprocate-are-you-an-asshole/844892/25 "2019-12-16T14:36:32Z")
I’m having a similar(ish) struggle - my boss usually gets her employees a gift (I think), so I feel as though I should also get my employees a gift. After managing gifts for the entire family (four kids, five adults plus a few friends) the last thing I care to do is try to be thoughtful for yet more people. I also just recently coordinated a virtual baby shower for one of them, which probably obligates me to get something for everyone, but goddammit I’m so tired of buying shit for people. Also, they don’t generally give me gifts, something for which I am infinitely thankful. Oh, well - I really don’t think there’s a right way to do gifts over Christmas. Whatever you do, don’t read an article on Christmas gift etiquette or you’ll find yourself also buying for hairdressers, trashmen, the recycling guy, the postman, your kids’ teachers and more or less anyone you might interact with on a semi-regular basis. ---
**Author:** ![muldoonthief](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/muldoonthief/32/3188_2.png) [@muldoonthief](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/muldoonthief)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2019, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-gives-you-christmas-presents-but-you-never-reciprocate-are-you-an-asshole/844892/26 "2019-12-16T15:15:47Z")
Ugh, workplace gift giving is the worst. I’m glad most places I’ve worked have never gotten into it. Basically, my theory has always been if you give me a gift, and you’re not a close relative or SO, I’ll thank you kindly and try to reciprocate, but secretly I now hate you. > [@Tim\_T-Bonham.net](#): > > You can probably stop this by figuring out some organization or cause your coworker dislikes. Then give her a gift in exchange – a card stating that you donated x$ to this cause in their name. Try the Human Fund. “Money For People!” ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2019, 3:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-gives-you-christmas-presents-but-you-never-reciprocate-are-you-an-asshole/844892/27 "2019-12-16T15:35:07Z")
That would work. I would probably tell the coworker, as tactfully as I could, that I didn’t give workplace gifts to anyone, and he was more than welcome to stop giving to me. I might add that, although I was sure his intentions were good, it made me uncomfortable to receive gifts year after year and not return the favor, and in all candor I would prefer that he stop, with my thanks. ---
**Author:** ![PunditLisa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/4af34b/32.png) [@PunditLisa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PunditLisa)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2019, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-gives-you-christmas-presents-but-you-never-reciprocate-are-you-an-asshole/844892/28 "2019-12-16T15:37:28Z")
I might get my good friends something for their birthday and/or Christmas, and occasionally will get them something just because I see something that I think they’ll like. They rarely reciprocate and I don’t mind at all. It makes me feel good to give things and I’d be crushed if they felt obligated to get me something in return. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2019, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-gives-you-christmas-presents-but-you-never-reciprocate-are-you-an-asshole/844892/29 "2019-12-16T16:01:29Z")
> [@PunditLisa](#): > > I might get my good friends something for their birthday and/or Christmas, and occasionally will get them something just because I see something that I think they’ll like. They rarely reciprocate and I don’t mind at all. It makes me feel good to give things and I’d be crushed if they felt obligated to get me something in return. I have coworker friends that I give little tokens to. But they are just that–little tokens. Like a bag of trail mix or a box of tea. Nothing that costs more than a few bucks. Nothing that screams “I put a lot of care into this”. Sometimes they reciprocate and sometimes they do not. It never bothers me because their continued friendship is more than enough reciprocation. ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2019, 5:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-gives-you-christmas-presents-but-you-never-reciprocate-are-you-an-asshole/844892/30 "2019-12-16T17:31:24Z")
> [@Karen\_Lingel](#): > > I have a coworker who gives me a bag of crap every year and I wish he would stop it, so therefore I never reciprocate. Alas, that hasn’t worked. Perhaps giving him a bag of crap would put a stop to it? Hey, some of us _love_ our annual bag of crap! It’s on the Xmas list I give Mrs. J. every year. The excitement and expectation never diminish. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2019, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-gives-you-christmas-presents-but-you-never-reciprocate-are-you-an-asshole/844892/31 "2019-12-16T17:51:37Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > I actually think I’m going to follow **kayT’s** advice and give her something small. I recognize I’m doing it solely to assuage my guilt conscious, and I’m OK with this. You realize that then this will go on forever I hope. One of the great advantages of being Jewish is that I have an excuse to not give gifts in this kind of situation. Or put up damn Christmas lights. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2019, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-gives-you-christmas-presents-but-you-never-reciprocate-are-you-an-asshole/844892/32 "2019-12-16T17:58:36Z")
> [@Voyager](#): > > You realize that then this will go on forever I hope. > > One of the great advantages of being Jewish is that I have an excuse to not give gifts in this kind of situation. > > Or put up damn Christmas lights. It has already been going on forever. At least now I can stop feeling like an asshole. Sent from my moto x4 using Tapatalk ---
**Author:** ![Dead\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9fc29f/32.png) [@Dead\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dead_Cat)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2019, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-gives-you-christmas-presents-but-you-never-reciprocate-are-you-an-asshole/844892/33 "2019-12-16T18:03:59Z")
> [@Bear\_Nenno](#): > > Did you write them a Thank You letter expressing your appreciation? If so, you’re definitely not an ass. If not, then you’re maybe not an ass. Well, the thing here is that there is no appreciation. If anything, I’d say writing a thank you letter (but not reciprocating) is being more of an ass than not doing either, as it almost suggests the recipient would like the unreciprocated gift giving to continue. Whereas simply not responding at all sends a clear message that the gift is not appreciated and they would prefer it to stop. OP, I’d look at it this way - some people just like giving gifts, whether they get one in return or not. Others might try to give gifts for manipulative or passive-aggressive reasons. It seems to me very likely that the giver in your scenario falls into one of these two categories. Not reciprocating seems fine either way. If the lack of appreciation/reciprocation offends them, they will stop, and problem solved. If it doesn’t, then it doesn’t matter. No need for any guilt on the part of the recipient. Now, I just need to get round to writing that surefire bestseller _How to rationalise away your feelings_ 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Ann\_Hedonia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ann_hedonia/32/319_2.png) [@Ann\_Hedonia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ann_Hedonia)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2019, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-gives-you-christmas-presents-but-you-never-reciprocate-are-you-an-asshole/844892/34 "2019-12-16T19:04:20Z")
> [@monstro](#): > > It has already been going on forever. At least now I can stop feeling like an asshole. > > Sent from my moto x4 using Tapatalk May I suggest that next year, at around Thanksgiving, you make a point of of telling your coworkers that you won’t be exchanging gifts this year? I used to have a roommate that was not a friend in the sense that we shared the same social circle. She was pleasant and we got along, but we were sharing a really large (4 bed, 2 bath) apartment. We weren’t close. Every year, at around Thanksgiving, she would ask me if I wanted to exchange gifts this year. Except for a few years when her finances were tight, then she would express a preference not to. I always thought that was a simple and direct method of avoiding a lot of uncertainty and discomfort. But we were both reasonable and normal people who didn’t like drama. YMMV. ---
**Author:** ![Ulfreida](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ulfreida/32/8014_2.png) [@Ulfreida](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ulfreida)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2019, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-gives-you-christmas-presents-but-you-never-reciprocate-are-you-an-asshole/844892/35 "2019-12-16T20:56:07Z")
In my experience, gifts are never, ever, without any obligation whatsoever, even if that is only an appropriate expression of gratitude. They are always communications of some kind. Believing that isn’t what they are, is naive. Gift giving always has unwritten social rules, and breaking them is a transgression. Your co-worker either is really socially inept, confused or is trying to send you some kind of message. I think being straightforward in response (“I’m uncomfortable with this one-sided gifting and I would like you to stop doing it”) may be helpful. I would not try to be indirect and hinty, as this person clearly isn’t good at picking up subtle signals. ---
**Author:** ![begbert2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/begbert2/32/3357_2.png) [@begbert2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/begbert2)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2019, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-gives-you-christmas-presents-but-you-never-reciprocate-are-you-an-asshole/844892/36 "2019-12-16T23:06:32Z")
> [@Ann\_Hedonia](#): > > May I suggest that next year, at around Thanksgiving, you make a point of of telling your coworkers that you won’t be exchanging gifts this year? I make it clear to anybody who asks or stands too close that I have a strict policy: No list = no gift. If you don’t tell me what you want to get then I will give you nothing. This applies even if I like you whole lots; I am not going to make guesses. I have a sister who’s forgotten to give me a list for the last couple of years: no more gifts for her until she remembers. And if I’m not giving her random gifts, I’m not giving _you_ random gifts. Of, course, the theorized generous co-worker could up and out of nowhere hand me a wishlist. At that point whether I accept it or just look at them like they’ve lost their mind is dictated by whether I like them whole lots. ---
**Author:** ![kayT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayt/32/3633_2.png) [@kayT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayT)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2019, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-gives-you-christmas-presents-but-you-never-reciprocate-are-you-an-asshole/844892/37 "2019-12-17T00:58:55Z")
So you don’t give gifts, you fill orders, **begbert2**. Ok then. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2019, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-gives-you-christmas-presents-but-you-never-reciprocate-are-you-an-asshole/844892/38 "2019-12-17T13:56:45Z")
When my kids were younger, they used to get me a wall calendar at Christmastime. A coworker noticed that I always had animal calendars and decided to give me that for Christmas. Naturally, I felt obligated to use the one she gave me and I let the kids know I didn’t need one that year. The coworker then decided it was our “thing” and since then she’s gotten me one nearly every year. I must say I liked it more when it came from my kids, but what could I do? It’s coworker’s “thing”. :dubious: I used to do token gifts for all coworkers, including calendar lady, but I don’t bother anymore. I think it would be cool if we all just let that go. ---
**Author:** ![Inigo\_Montoya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/inigo_montoya/32/124_2.png) [@Inigo\_Montoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Inigo_Montoya)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2019, 4:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-gives-you-christmas-presents-but-you-never-reciprocate-are-you-an-asshole/844892/39 "2019-12-17T16:13:29Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > Giving a gift does not place an obligation on the recipient to reciprocate with a gift. This. The fact that not everyone gets it is part of why I don’t like giving or receiving non-anonymous gifts. If I had a coworker like the OP talks about, I wouldn’t have a problem keeping the gifts because some people find joy in giving meaningful/expensive things to others–my return gift is allowing them to experience that joy; and I wouldn’t have a problem not giving them an object, although I might turn around and anonymously give the gift to someone else. This is totally cool in my mind. I have allowed someone to experience the joy of giving something they feel is valuable (the bauble they gave to me), and in doing so they have afforded me an opportunity to experience the joy of making an anonymous gift to a third person. ---
**Author:** ![begbert2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/begbert2/32/3357_2.png) [@begbert2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/begbert2)\ **Post date:** [December 17, 2019, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-gives-you-christmas-presents-but-you-never-reciprocate-are-you-an-asshole/844892/40 "2019-12-17T19:12:22Z")
> [@kayT](#): > > So you don’t give gifts, you fill orders, **begbert2**. Ok then. You don’t get it. Perhaps a little context would help. First though, let’s lay down the ground rules. In my opinion the purpose of a gift is not necessarily to be a surprise. It’s to show that you care about/appreciate the person enough to want to give them something, and (beyond that) that you care enough about them personally to want to make them happy by getting them something they would appreciate. Being a surprise can accentuate this by packing their reaction into a single moment, but a person can absolutely appreciate a gift they know about in advance. Whereas getting somebody something they _don’t_ want is an announcement that you don’t care about who they are as a person, and will virtually always elicit a tepid or negative reaction. Heck, this thread is all about a person getting gifts they don’t want to receive from the specific person giving them, and being distressed by them. Giving the wrong thing is worse than giving nothing at all. Now, the context. I’m a collector, and the things that I want the most I don’t want a second one of. One copy of the Halle Berry Catwoman movie on blu-ray? Awesome! A second copy? Meh. This means that if a person wants to get me the most awesome gift possible, they must accomplish the following three things: 1. Know me well enough to divine what things I want. 2. Be intimately familiar with my entire collection of possessions, including the ones in storage, to ensure I don’t already have it. 3. Tie me up in their basement to prevent me going out and buying it myself before they can give it to me. Obviously it’s unreasonable for me to expect a person to do all that - which is to say, I’m hard to shop for. So is my mom, my dad, my brother, his kid, my sisters - we all have disposable incomes and/or I’m not really at liberty to search their residences and lock them in basements. Yeah yeah, I know, you’re stellar and can buy people great things and they always enjoy what you give them. Good for you. Doesn’t work with me. Trust me, I’ve seen it in action. Very lackluster. People shouldn’t have bothered. Enter the list. A properly formed wishlist has the following properties: 1. Many options at a variety of prices. 2. You want all of them and would appreciate receiving them. 3. You realize that the item being on the list is a promise you won’t buy it yourself. The exchange of such lists allows all participants to know a selection of things that will make the person happy when they receive them. This solves the problems listed above while keeping involuntary basement stays to a minimum. Now, as to ‘filling orders’ - you realize it’s f’ing Christmas, right? They _expect_ a gift, if for no other reason than precedent. So _whatever_ you give them, you’re “filling an order”, because they have set up an expectation to receive something from you, and you will be fulfilling that expectation. The only difference is the probability of whether once they receive their order, they’ll want to return it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-coworker-always-gives-you-christmas-presents-but-you-never-reciprocate-are-you-an-asshole/844892.md?page=1)