# A cure for flatulence... **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [December 18, 2002, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-cure-for-flatulence/143485 "2002-12-18T04:47:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Master\_Wang-Ka](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/master_wang-ka/32/3325_2.png) [@Master\_Wang-Ka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Master_Wang-Ka)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2002, 4:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-cure-for-flatulence/143485/1 "2002-12-18T04:47:24Z")
Fire. No, seriously. Friend of mine – call him Bob – guy with no shame at all, got a bunch of flak once because of his stinkies. In the process of ranking him out about it, someone – it might have been me – said, “Light a match, man! (waves hand to disperse odor) Jeez!” He looked at me quizzically. Someone else explained to him the flammable nature of flatulence. His face showed shock … and glee. “No way!” he exclaimed. Feeling another one coming on, he rolled backwards, flung his ankles about his ears, pointed his ass skyward, snatched out a Bic lighter, lit it, and held it ready. It cost him the hair on his knuckles, but he was… ENLIGHTENED. So to speak. For months after that, you never knew when he’d suddenly fling himself on his back and let loose the torch of liberty… It cost him a bit with the chicks, but he was the life of any party. Anyone can throw up or take their top off, but Bob was the only one anyone ever heard of who brought his own light show. With a little experimentation, he even found that he could vary the flames’ colors, depending on what he’d eaten that day. The most common colors were blue and yellow, but he found that various foods, in addition to increasing his flatulence, produced blue and green, blue and orange, pure blue, orange and yellow, and there was one thing that even produced sparks. I don’t know what it was. I frankly didn’t wanna know, mad science notwithstanding… It all came to an end one September day, at my place. I don’t remember what we were all doing there. Bob was on the couch, Bobo and Troll were sitting next to him, and I was sitting on the floor on the other side of the coffee table. We were talking or something, and suddenly, Bob’s eyes lit with an inner …fire… we’d all come to recognize. “Fire alarm!” said, Troll, realizing what was about to happen. Troll and Bobo immediately scooched away to give him room to work. I obligingly grabbed the coffee table and pulled it back. Bob flung his ankles about his ears, rolled onto his back, and lit up. Something went terribly, terribly wrong. We’re still not sure what. Bobo thinks that the gas coming out the leg of his shorts ignited, and traveled inwards, causing an explosion in the seat of his pants. Troll thought it was Bob’s new synthetic-fiber parachute-material shorts – they must’ve been flammable or something. I don’t agree with Bobo – I saw the initial fire blossom right over the middle of his butt, right before the nine-foot tongue of pink fire shot out of his ass, right at my face. I threw myself backwards, flat on the floor, just in time to save my eyebrows. For days afterwards, my mustache smelled like burnt hair. All I could see was blazing pink armaggeddon. It took a minute for my eyes to focus. For one horrible moment, I thought the curtains were on fire. I heard screams. I sat up, figuring no fart ever blown could last more than a few seconds. Fortunately, I was right. My eyes focused. The screams continued. Bob was face down, bent over the couch. His ass was on fire. Troll had a deathgrip around his waist, and he and Bobo were beating the shit out of him, trying to put the fire out. I leaped up and began beating the shit out of him, too. The fire went out quickly enough, but the material continued to smolder, and we wound up tearing his shorts off of him and running them into the kitchen, into the sink. Bob rolled on the floor, moaning. His poor ass was bald as an egg, and red as a lobster. He wasn’t badly hurt – not even any blisters – and he later told us that it wasn’t the fire that hurt him, it was Troll’s huge hands whacking him on the ass – Troll was a pretty big guy, and Bob was … well… small for his age… and several blows had fallen a bit further south than they’d been intended, and Troll had in fact fetched him several nasty blows to the 'nads. There was a burnt, fused hole in Bob’s shorts big enough to put a man’s fist through without touching the edges. We posted the shorts on the wall of the stairwell as a trophy to our cleverness … and as a warning, for generations to come… ---
**Author:** ![Super\_Gnat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@Super\_Gnat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Super_Gnat)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2002, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-cure-for-flatulence/143485/2 "2002-12-18T04:56:42Z")
That’s gotta be one of the funniest things I’ve heard for a while! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Briny\_Deep](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/briny_deep/32/17188_2.png) [@Briny\_Deep](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Briny_Deep)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2002, 5:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-cure-for-flatulence/143485/3 "2002-12-18T05:00:31Z")
I don’t normally come in and piss all over people’s pit threads, but… You do realize that lighting farts has been an American cultural icon for some time now? Your friend did not invent it. ---
**Author:** ![Master\_Wang-Ka](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/master_wang-ka/32/3325_2.png) [@Master\_Wang-Ka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Master_Wang-Ka)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2002, 5:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-cure-for-flatulence/143485/4 "2002-12-18T05:07:29Z")
Well, yeah, but HE didn’t know that. I learned it at summer camp, myself… ---
**Author:** ![Master\_Wang-Ka](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/master_wang-ka/32/3325_2.png) [@Master\_Wang-Ka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Master_Wang-Ka)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2002, 5:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-cure-for-flatulence/143485/5 "2002-12-18T05:08:41Z")
…and now that I think about it, I’m not sure I’d agree that it’s an “American Cultural Icon”, in the same sense as apple pie, baseball, hot dogs, and I Love Lucy… ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2002, 5:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-cure-for-flatulence/143485/6 "2002-12-18T05:21:47Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Wang-Ka \* > \*\*…and now that I think about it, I’m not sure I’d agree that it’s an “American Cultural Icon”, in the same sense as apple pie, baseball, hot dogs, and I Love Lucy… \*\* I agree. Lighting farts is a lot more fun than at least three of those things. ---
**Author:** ![Briny\_Deep](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/briny_deep/32/17188_2.png) [@Briny\_Deep](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Briny_Deep)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2002, 5:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-cure-for-flatulence/143485/7 "2002-12-18T05:25:23Z")
You’re right; icon is not quite the word. American cultural – standby? Idiom? ---
**Author:** ![Master\_Wang-Ka](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/master_wang-ka/32/3325_2.png) [@Master\_Wang-Ka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Master_Wang-Ka)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2002, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-cure-for-flatulence/143485/8 "2002-12-18T05:27:24Z")
I think the word is “tradition”. Although “rite of passage” may also be applicable. Although I don’t really think that hosting an explosion in one’s trousers is really applicable for any of THOSE terms, either… I mean, lighting your stinkies is ONE thing, but poor Bob didn’t deserve what he got… and if I’d even known such a thing was POSSIBLE, I would certainly have warned him. There’s a lesson for us all, here… ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2002, 5:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-cure-for-flatulence/143485/9 "2002-12-18T05:51:48Z")
Definitely not an _American_ thing. I’m pretty sure the first flaming fart was ignited with a flint chip. ---
**Author:** ![calm\_kiwi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9fc348/32.png) [@calm\_kiwi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/calm_kiwi)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2002, 6:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-cure-for-flatulence/143485/10 "2002-12-18T06:01:52Z")
Let us rejoice. It seems farts are ignited all over the world. My brother thinks he is soooooo clever with the “hey watch this bit” (and he’s 34 for fucks sake!) I’m just hoping that Bob’s unfortunate accident will happen to him! oh thats’s so mean …it Christmas almost…but I don’t care I hope he is enveloped by a flaming ball of fart gas. ---
**Author:** ![Wikkit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/c0e974/32.png) [@Wikkit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wikkit)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2002, 6:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-cure-for-flatulence/143485/11 "2002-12-18T06:19:44Z")
Wow. On the road to deposing **lieu**. ---
**Author:** ![pipper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c2a13f/32.png) [@pipper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pipper)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2002, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-cure-for-flatulence/143485/12 "2002-12-18T14:44:35Z")
OK, so this is the second thread in which ‘fart lighting’ has been mentioned. Never having tried (or seen) this myself, I have to ask about the logistics involved: Do you have to drop 'trou to accomplish this feat? If not, does the fart have enough force to get through your pants and actually create a “jet” of flame? Are there preferred pants for fart lighting? I would imagine it would be harder for a fart to escape from a thick par of jeans rather than a thinner fabric? Thank you in advance for the enlightenment… ---
**Author:** ![Master\_Wang-Ka](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/master_wang-ka/32/3325_2.png) [@Master\_Wang-Ka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Master_Wang-Ka)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2002, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-cure-for-flatulence/143485/13 "2002-12-18T14:56:05Z")
A relevant question. For best effects, of course, bareassed is best. Nor is the trick limited to the male of the species; methane is native to all of us, thank you. And I should point out that the whole point of doing this, originally, in Bob’s case was NOT to get a free light show, but to eliminate the stench. It works. Bob seldom HAD to drop his drawers, though, as he was fond of wearing loose shorts with no underwear. As a rule, he simply flopped on his back, rolled his ankles up around his ears, and brought his Bic around to Ground Zero and let fly. The porous materials in which Bob liked to dress seldom interfered much with the flow of gases. Jeans, on the other hand, might well do just that; I never had much luck with ignition through my 501s… ---
**Author:** ![Kendo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/eb9ed0/32.png) [@Kendo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kendo)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2002, 4:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-cure-for-flatulence/143485/14 "2002-12-18T16:14:04Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Wang-Ka \* > \*\* > …bareassed… \*\* I was seconds away from googling this crazy word before my eyes finally teased the two words apart… …the results I would have got though! :eek: ---
**Author:** ![roadrunner70](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e19b73/32.png) [@roadrunner70](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/roadrunner70)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2002, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-cure-for-flatulence/143485/15 "2002-12-18T16:19:10Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Wang-Ka \* > **but to eliminate the stench** Butt does flaming ass hair smell better than a fart? ---
**Author:** ![Violet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/ebca7d/32.png) [@Violet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Violet)\ **Post date:** [December 18, 2002, 4:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-cure-for-flatulence/143485/16 "2002-12-18T16:31:02Z")
> [@](#): > > about a quarter of the people who ignited their farts got burned doing it. Ignition of flatus is a hazardous practice. … There have also been cases in which intestinal gases with a higher than normal oxygen content have exploded during surgery when electric cautery was used by the surgeon. From [http://www.heptune.com/farts.html](http://www.heptune.com/farts.html) ---
**Author:** ![Master\_Wang-Ka](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/master_wang-ka/32/3325_2.png) [@Master\_Wang-Ka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Master_Wang-Ka)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2003, 1:49am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-cure-for-flatulence/143485/17 "2003-07-25T01:49:06Z")
Y’know, after rereading this thread for the first time in a while, and examining some of the responses… I find myself with two very similar images in my head. One is that of a hi-tech 21st century surgeon accidentally exploding a patient due to his high-tech surgical tools detonating intestinal gas. The other is of a naked, hairy caveman, hunched over in a weird position, striking flints together next to his butt. The two images together provide me with a more ludicrous picture of the human species than I can stand right now. I hope you’ll all pardon me if I go crawl into bed and stick my head under the pillow and suck my thumb for awhile… ---
**Author:** ![Rico](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rico/32/3582_2.png) [@Rico](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rico)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2003, 5:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-cure-for-flatulence/143485/18 "2003-07-25T05:30:22Z")
Dear Editor: Words of wisdom for everyone: _Never light a fart in a pair of polyester pants!_ Sincerely, Anonymous St. Joseph’s Hospital Burn Ward ---
**Author:** ![CherryBomb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/919ad9/32.png) [@CherryBomb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CherryBomb)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2003, 5:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-cure-for-flatulence/143485/19 "2003-07-25T05:55:33Z")
Odd - I read the same exact story on alt.tasteless several years ago authored by someone else… Unless you’ve been hanging out there as well **Wang Ka** , I’d be so bold as to call you a plagiarizer… ---
**Author:** ![kambuckta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/53a042/32.png) [@kambuckta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kambuckta)\ **Post date:** [July 25, 2003, 5:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-cure-for-flatulence/143485/20 "2003-07-25T05:55:54Z")
Thank you again **Wang-Ka**. It is a grey, cold and very gloomy rainy day down here in Melbourne, Australia, and I needed something to light up my afternoon. 😛 [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-cure-for-flatulence/143485.md?page=2)