# A demon gives you the ability to cure cancer... **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 20, 2016, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-demon-gives-you-the-ability-to-cure-cancer/752719 "2016-04-20T13:45:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2016, 1:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-demon-gives-you-the-ability-to-cure-cancer/752719/1 "2016-04-20T13:45:32Z")
or AIDS or any one disease of your choice. Of course, there is a catch. You can work your curative magic only by having unprotected anal sex with the afflicted person. How do you make use of your new ability? Do you make use of it? ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2016, 1:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-demon-gives-you-the-ability-to-cure-cancer/752719/2 "2016-04-20T13:46:56Z")
Am I pitching or catching? ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2016, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-demon-gives-you-the-ability-to-cure-cancer/752719/3 "2016-04-20T13:54:17Z")
> [@DCnDC](#): > > Am I pitching or catching? I am not specifying. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2016, 1:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-demon-gives-you-the-ability-to-cure-cancer/752719/4 "2016-04-20T13:54:56Z")
Good luck convincing the ill person that you’re telling the truth. ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2016, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-demon-gives-you-the-ability-to-cure-cancer/752719/5 "2016-04-20T13:56:39Z")
If I caught AIDS from them, I’d have to have anal sex with myself and I don’t think I’m up for that. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2016, 1:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-demon-gives-you-the-ability-to-cure-cancer/752719/6 "2016-04-20T13:57:14Z")
> [@running\_coach](#): > > Good luck convincing the ill person that you’re telling the truth. In fact, I was wondering how dopers would overcome that obstacle, among others. ---
**Author:** ![Machine\_Elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@Machine\_Elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machine_Elf)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2016, 2:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-demon-gives-you-the-ability-to-cure-cancer/752719/7 "2016-04-20T14:12:08Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > or AIDS or any one disease of your choice. Of course, there is a catch. You can work your curative magic only by having unprotected anal sex with the afflicted person. How do you make use of your new ability? Do you make use of it? What exactly is the test here? My aversion to (or affinity for) a particular activity, or my trust in the intentions/powers of the aforementioned demon? ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2016, 2:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-demon-gives-you-the-ability-to-cure-cancer/752719/8 "2016-04-20T14:14:30Z")
> [@Machine\_Elf](#): > > What exactly is the test here? My aversion to (or affinity for) a particular activity, or my trust in the intentions/powers of the aforementioned demon? You have the power to save lives. The test is whether you will find a way to make use of it. ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2016, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-demon-gives-you-the-ability-to-cure-cancer/752719/9 "2016-04-20T14:15:37Z")
How many cute young women have cancer? I’d be willing to try. ---
**Author:** ![Machine\_Elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@Machine\_Elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machine_Elf)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2016, 2:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-demon-gives-you-the-ability-to-cure-cancer/752719/10 "2016-04-20T14:42:20Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > In fact, I was wondering how dopers would overcome that obstacle, among others. The first step is finding a patient who doesn’t care if you’re telling the truth - someone who is despondent about their illness and just says “what the hell, sure, I’ll do it with you.” After the deed is done, tell them of your ability and that their illness will leave them soon. When their illness clears up, their doctor will be baffled - and the patient will tell their story. The doctor will dismiss this one patient’s story. So you keep at it, since there’s probably no shortage of despondent patients. Eventually the doctors at the local hospital start seeing the pattern: as weird as it is, all these people are recovering from a supposedly incurable disease, and they’re all reporting that it happened after getting it on with you. That’s when they make contact with you, and start conducting clinical trials. Eventually your ability is confirmed with real science, giving you the credibility less despondent (or more skeptical) patients need in order to accept the premise that your Rod of Asclepius can actually cure them. And that’s when you can really start curing the masses. ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2016, 2:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-demon-gives-you-the-ability-to-cure-cancer/752719/11 "2016-04-20T14:44:12Z")
Even at my sexual peak, I can’t change the world… And these days, I maybe can cure two people per day the first day, with no guarantees about successive days exceeding one. It’s difficult to picture my marriage surviving this new career path. On the other hand, what counts as “sex” here? At common law, rape is accomplished by any insertion of the penis into the vagina, however slight – does the demon’s deal operate similarly? Maybe I could get an assembly line going. I am assuming I am the top and not the bottom in this deal – otherwise my cure is limited to men. And is my ability proven, or must I seduce my patients into believing me (or pretending to)? Too little detail to make any meaningful decision. ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2016, 2:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-demon-gives-you-the-ability-to-cure-cancer/752719/12 "2016-04-20T14:45:30Z")
> [@Machine\_Elf](#): > > . And that’s when you can really start curing the masses. I’m in my fifties. As noted above, “masses,” just ain’t happening. ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2016, 2:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-demon-gives-you-the-ability-to-cure-cancer/752719/13 "2016-04-20T14:49:55Z")
> [@Machine\_Elf](#): > > The first step is finding a patient who doesn’t care if you’re telling the truth - someone who is despondent about their illness and just says “what the hell, sure, I’ll do it with you.” After the deed is done, tell them of your ability and that their illness will leave them soon. > > When their illness clears up, their doctor will be baffled - and the patient will tell their story. The doctor will dismiss this one patient’s story. > > So you keep at it, since there’s probably no shortage of despondent patients. Eventually the doctors at the local hospital start seeing the pattern: as weird as it is, all these people are recovering from a supposedly incurable disease, and they’re all reporting that it happened after getting it on with you. > > That’s when they make contact with you, and start conducting clinical trials. Eventually your ability is confirmed with real science, giving you the credibility less despondent (or more skeptical) patients need in order to accept the premise that your Rod of Asclepius can actually cure them. And that’s when you can really start curing the masses. Ah yes, the masses…this is where, I think, the demon is really getting his jollies. Word gets around that you really can cure \ through some unprotected buttsecks. Now sick people of your non-preferred gender will approach you…what do you say to the desperate mother of a dying child when she wants you to cure the child…more people than you can possibly service need your help and you have to choose… ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2016, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-demon-gives-you-the-ability-to-cure-cancer/752719/14 "2016-04-20T15:03:00Z")
> [@Bricker](#): > > Even at my sexual peak, I can’t change the world… And these days, I maybe can cure two people per day the first day, with no guarantees about successive days exceeding one. > > It’s difficult to picture my marriage surviving this new career path. > > On the other hand, what counts as “sex” here? At common law, rape is accomplished by any insertion of the penis into the vagina, however slight – does the demon’s deal operate similarly? Maybe I could get an assembly line going. > > I am assuming I am the top and not the bottom in this deal – otherwise my cure is limited to men. And is my ability proven, or must I seduce my patients into believing me (or pretending to)? > > Too little detail to make any meaningful decision. Your ability genuinely does work whether your patient believes in you or not. The demon followed through on that. As for what counts, let’s just say you have to keep pounding away until your magical ability lets you intuitively know that the patient is cured. ---
**Author:** ![Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/left_hand_of_dorkness/32/7156_2.png) [@Left\_Hand\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Left_Hand_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2016, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-demon-gives-you-the-ability-to-cure-cancer/752719/15 "2016-04-20T15:08:59Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > or AIDS or any one disease of your choice. Of course, there is a catch. You can work your curative magic only by having unprotected anal sex with the afflicted person. How do you make use of your new ability? Do you make use of it? Forget convincing others I have this illness, there’s no way the demon is convincing me. I’m not one of these rubes who gets a phone call from the “doctor” and follows the “medical advice” to run outside naked. “Demon” my left buttcheek. “Cure disease” my right. Nice try, random pervert. ---
**Author:** ![Machine\_Elf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/82dd89/32.png) [@Machine\_Elf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Machine_Elf)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2016, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-demon-gives-you-the-ability-to-cure-cancer/752719/16 "2016-04-20T15:11:08Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > Ah yes, the masses…this is where, I think, the demon is really getting his jollies. Word gets around that you really can cure \ through some unprotected buttsecks. Now sick people of your non-preferred gender will approach you…what do you say to the desperate mother of a dying child when she wants you to cure the child…more people than you can possibly service need your help and you have to choose… I would have to find some kind of balance between living life for my own interests and helping those less fortunate, which is similar to the problem facing any person with an abundance of assets. My curative activities would be a challenge for any romantic relationship I might be in. I’d have to find a very understanding life-partner, or choose to remain celibate so as to maximize good for others. Hopefully the former. Maybe an arrangement where I provide one cure per week? If the latter, I could be more active. If I’m not charging for my services, then I’m free to give/withhold my gift as I see fit with no concern about “protected class” issues. With apologies to the people of my non-preferred gender or type, I will not be able to cure them. The greater good will still be served because there will be more than enough sufferers of my preferred gender or type than I can possibly cure, so the same number of people will be cured no matter what. Disregarding the problem of children falling into the “non-preferred” category, the law frowns on providing my cure to them, even if it is a net good; to do so, even once, would jeopardize my ability to continue curing others in the future, so they would have to be turned down. As above, the greater good will still be served even if children are excluded. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2016, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-demon-gives-you-the-ability-to-cure-cancer/752719/17 "2016-04-20T15:12:16Z")
Wasn’t there a Spider Robinson story where Aids(or an Aids-like disease) was cured through sexual transmission? ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2016, 3:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-demon-gives-you-the-ability-to-cure-cancer/752719/18 "2016-04-20T15:15:50Z")
> [@Czarcasm](#): > > Wasn’t there a Spider Robinson story where Aids(or an Aids-like disease) was cured through sexual transmission? Good memory! I vaguely remember remember reading such a story, but can’t remember the author. I went the magical route to make sure the ability to cure stays with one person and can’t be transmitted to others. ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2016, 3:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-demon-gives-you-the-ability-to-cure-cancer/752719/19 "2016-04-20T15:59:52Z")
> [@Machine\_Elf](#): > > I > > Disregarding the problem of children falling into the “non-preferred” category, the law frowns on providing my cure to them, even if it is a net good; to do so, even once, would jeopardize my ability to continue curing others in the future, so they would have to be turned down. As above, the greater good will still be served even if children are excluded. Perhaps not. At the risk of sounding like a NAMBLA fantasy pitch, the law does not criminalize a doctor probing an anus for genuine medical purposes. Of course, pre-demon, there is no possible medical purpose for the doctor using his penis. Now there is. I begin to see why it’s a demon offering up this gift. The use of it may wreck more suffering than its absence ever did. ---
**Author:** ![Czarcasm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/czarcasm/32/4050_2.png) [@Czarcasm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Czarcasm)\ **Post date:** [April 20, 2016, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-demon-gives-you-the-ability-to-cure-cancer/752719/20 "2016-04-20T16:04:13Z")
> [@Scumpup](#): > > or AIDS or any one disease of your choice. Of course, there is a catch. You can work your curative magic only by having unprotected anal sex with the afflicted person. How do you make use of your new ability? Do you make use of it? Must there be orgasm achieved by either pitcher or catcher? [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-demon-gives-you-the-ability-to-cure-cancer/752719.md?page=2)