# A different sort of joke thread **URL:** \ **Category:** The Game Room\ **Created:** [January 6, 2010, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865 "2010-01-06T03:45:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 19
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2010, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/361 "2010-01-20T17:06:48Z")
> [@Jack\_Batty](#): > > Another sure zero-pointer … but what the hell: > > …Just then the father stands up and say, “Okay, okay! I’ll wash the fucking dishes!” LOL. That’d get a 10 from me. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_Draper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b2d939/32.png) [@Don\_Draper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_Draper)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2010, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/362 "2010-01-20T17:22:51Z")
> [@Hoopy\_Frood](#): > > What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a pile of dirt? > > Doug. > > What do you call a guy with no arms or legs on a vine? > > Barry. > > What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a pile of leaves? > > Russel. > > What do you call a girl with no arms or legs at the beach? > > Sandie. > > What do you call a girl with no arms or legs at a burger restaurant? > > Pattie. > > What do you call a girl with no arms or legs in a cash register? > > Penny. > > What do you call a girl with no arms or legs in a decanter? > > Sherry. What do you call a one-legged girl? Eileen. What do you call a one-legged girl from Japan? Irene. What do you call a guy with no arms or legs lying on the bathroom floor? Matt. What do you call a guy with no arms or legs floating in water? Bob. What do you call a guy with no arms or legs lying in a ditch? Phil. What do you call a guy with no arms or legs in a pot of water? Stu. What do you call a guy with no arms or legs hanging from a peg on the wall? Art. ---
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2010, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/363 "2010-01-20T17:47:12Z")
What do you call a dog with no legs? Doesn’t matter, he’s not coming when you call him anyway. ---
**Author:** ![ElvisL1ves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5daacb/32.png) [@ElvisL1ves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElvisL1ves)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2010, 6:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/364 "2010-01-20T18:15:14Z")
Or: What can you do with a dog with no legs? Take him out for a drag. ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2010, 6:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/365 "2010-01-20T18:16:27Z")
> [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](#): > > What do you call a dog with no legs? > > Doesn’t matter, he’s not coming when you call him anyway. Sequel: Q: What do you DO with a legless dog? A: Get a leash, and take him out for a drag. ---
**Author:** ![ElvisL1ves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5daacb/32.png) [@ElvisL1ves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElvisL1ves)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2010, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/366 "2010-01-20T18:44:36Z")
I’ve been feeling so down about the economy, the war, my job, my marriage, and my health that I’ve considered suicide. So I called the Suicide Hotline. I got connected to a call center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck. ---
**Author:** ![MHaye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/bbe5ce/32.png) [@MHaye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MHaye)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2010, 6:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/367 "2010-01-20T18:47:41Z")
Q : What do you call a girl who juggles pints of ale? A : Beatrix. Q : What do you call a girl who juggles pints of ale while holding a pool cue under one arm? A : Beatrix Potter. ---
**Author:** ![Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/intergalactic_gladiator/32/112_2.png) [@Intergalactic\_Gladiator](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Intergalactic_Gladiator)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2010, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/368 "2010-01-20T19:51:44Z")
Selections from the gang bang song. Knock knock Who’s there? Tijuana Tijuana who? Tijuana take your mother to the gang bang? Knock knock Who’s there? Eisenhour Eisenhour who? Eisenhour late for the gang bang Knock Knock Who’s there? Ben Hur Ben Hur who? Ben Hur over the chair, slap her ass and we’ll have ourselves a gang bang Knock knock Who’s there? Gladiator Gladiator who? Glad he ate her before they went to the gang bang Knock knock Who’s there? Jessica Hahn Jessica Hahn who? Jessica hahndled Jim Baker’s cock at the gang bang ad naseum ---
**Author:** ![Karen\_Lingel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/karen_lingel/32/18649_2.png) [@Karen\_Lingel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Karen_Lingel)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2010, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/369 "2010-01-20T20:08:43Z")
Did you hear about the North Dakotan who locked his keys in his car? It took him an hour and a half to get his wife and kids out! ---
**Author:** ![ElvisL1ves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5daacb/32.png) [@ElvisL1ves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElvisL1ves)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2010, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/370 "2010-01-20T20:18:27Z")
Or the Ethnic who got stuck on an escalator? How do you get a one-armed Ethnic out of a tree? Wave to him. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2010, 8:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/371 "2010-01-20T20:25:38Z")
A man walks into a bar with a dog on a leash and says, “This is a talking dog! If he answers three questions correctly, will you give me a free drink?” The bartender says, “Sure, you’re on.” The man says, “OK, Fido. What’s the feel of sandpaper?” The dog wags its tail and barks, “Rough!” “What goes on top of a house?” “Roof!” “What did an Elizabethan gentleman wear at his collar?” “Ruff!” Scoffing, the bartender throws them out of the bar. Outside the dog says, “Do you think I should’ve said ‘jabot’?” * * * A man joins an order of monks. On his first day, the abbot explains that in their order, everyone other than the abbot can only speak once a year, and then only two words at a time. He then sends the man off to be instructed by the other monks. A year later, the new monk comes back and says, “Bed hard.” The next year, he returns and says, “Food stinks.” The next year he says, “Room cold.” The next year he says, “I quit!” “I’m not surprised,” the abbot says with a scowl. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.” ---
**Author:** ![ElvisL1ves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5daacb/32.png) [@ElvisL1ves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElvisL1ves)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2010, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/372 "2010-01-20T20:29:44Z")
A kid hasn’t spoken a word in his life. His parents take him to all the finest doctors and psychiatrists, but not a one can find anything wrong. He just won’t speak. Until one day when he’s about 12 years old, and the family is sitting down to dinner. He says “The soup’s cold”. His parents are ecstatic. “You can speak! Wonderful! Tell us, though, why haven’t you said a word before now?” He answers “Well, up 'til now, everything’s been fine.” ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2010, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/373 "2010-01-20T20:35:18Z")
> [@](#): > > He slides it across the bar to the young lady and leans in real close to her and says, “paint my house.” 8 points. > [@](#): > > “You were out bowling with the guys again tonight, weren’t you?!” 7 points. > [@](#): > > “There… now you’re fucked.” Zero points. > [@](#): > > What is a redhead’s mating call? “Next.” 6 points. > [@](#): > > The fake: “oh Mr. Mustard, Oh Mr. Mustard, OH MR. MUSTARD!” Gotta give that one **10 points**. Way to go, **CMOSDES!!** ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2010, 8:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/374 "2010-01-20T20:41:16Z")
> [@](#): > > What’s the mating call of an ugly blonde? “Did you hear me? I said, ‘I’M, LIKE, SO DRUNK!’” 6 points. > [@](#): > > What do you call a man with no arms and no legs… Zero points. > [@](#): > > “Hello, friendly little fuck!” Zero points. > [@](#): > > I just bet him $1,000 that I could piss all over you and your bar and you’d laugh about it." Zero points. > [@](#): > > How do you keep an idiot in suspence? Zero points. > [@](#): > > Why do women always go to the bathroom in pairs? Because they’re stapled to the chicken! 5 points. Which, as you may realize, is as low as you can go. 😃 > [@](#): > > “No, it’s to go,” he replies. 8 points. > [@](#): > > Did you hear about the new Jewish sushi bar? It’s called Sosumi. Zero points. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Scud](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/f08c70/32.png) [@Tom\_Scud](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Scud)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2010, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/375 "2010-01-20T20:42:17Z")
> [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > “What did an Elizabethan gentleman wear at his collar?” > “Ruff!” > Scoffing, the bartender throws them out of the bar. > Outside the dog says, “Do you think I should’ve said ‘jabot’?” The version I’ve heard is “Who’s the greates baseball player of all time?” “Ruth!” … “What, I should’ve said that roid-head Bonds?” ---
**Author:** ![Hoopy\_Frood](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hoopy_frood/32/8452_2.png) [@Hoopy\_Frood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hoopy_Frood)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2010, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/376 "2010-01-20T20:45:30Z")
Q. Who’s the most popular guy in the nudist colony? A. The one who can hold a dozen donuts without using his hands. Q. Who’s the most popular woman in the nudist colony? A. The one who can eat the last donut without using her hands. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2010, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/377 "2010-01-20T20:47:03Z")
> [@](#): > > Every December 7th, he’d attack Pearl Bailey. 8 points. > [@](#): > > A. Throw a fucking spear through her head. 7 points. > [@](#): > > “Thought ye’d be tougher’n that, Batman.” 6 points. > [@](#): > > “Oh, you’re very right, I wasn’t drinking. I was the DD tonight – Desgnated Decoy” 7 points. > [@](#): > > Two nuns are in the bath. Sister Joan says, “Where’s the soap?” > > Sister Margaret replies, “Yes it does, doesn’t it?” 6 points. Too obtuse. And why nuns? > [@](#): > > What do you call a guy with no arms or legs… Zero points. > [@](#): > > Did you hear about the bar on the Moon that closed? No atmosphere. 7 points. > [@](#): > > “Um…” BLAM! “Yes, I’m sure. What do I do next?” Zero points. > [@](#): > > “I think we’ve established that already, madame. Now we are merely negotiating the price.” 8 points. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2010, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/378 "2010-01-20T20:52:45Z")
> [@](#): > > Q. What’s black and white, black and white, black and white, and green? > > A. 3 Nuns fighting over a pickle. 6 points. > [@](#): > > Q. Why did Darth Vader kill the Jedi chorus? > > A. Because he wanted to hear Han Solo. 6 points. > [@](#): > > “Y-U-C… Give me a minute, I’ll drag him to Oak Street.” Zero points. > [@](#): > > Just then the father stands up and say, “Okay, okay! I’ll wash the fucking dishes!” 8 points. > [@](#): > > “What about the Possible”, who’s gonna wash it?". 8 points. > [@](#): > > What do you call a guy with no arms or legs… Zero points. > [@](#): > > What do you call a dog with no legs? > > Doesn’t matter, he’s not coming when you call him anyway. Zero points. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2010, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/379 "2010-01-20T20:59:13Z")
> [@](#): > > What can you do with a dog with no legs? > > Take him out for a drag. Zero points. > [@](#): > > When I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited and asked me if I could drive a truck. Zero points. > [@](#): > > Q : What do you call a girl who juggles pints of ale? > A : Beatrix. > > Q : What do you call a girl who juggles pints of ale while holding a pool cue under one arm? > A : Beatrix Potter. 😕 > [@](#): > > Selections from the gang bang song. 5 points, all. > [@](#): > > Did you hear about the North Dakotan who locked his keys in his car? It took him an hour and a half to get his wife and kids out! Zero points. > [@](#): > > Or the Ethnic who got stuck on an escalator? > > How do you get a one-armed Ethnic out of a tree? Wave to him. > Reply With Quote Zero points, both. > [@](#): > > Outside the dog says, “Do you think I should’ve said ‘jabot’?” Zero points. Old as the hills, that one. 🙂 > [@](#): > > “I’m not surprised,” the abbot says with a scowl. “You’ve been complaining ever since you got here.” Zero points. I tell this one a lot. > [@](#): > > He answers “Well, up 'til now, everything’s been fine.” Zero points. I tell this one a lot as well. Two of my standards, back-to-back. Kinda freaky. ---
**Author:** ![Galwegian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/galwegian/32/3426_2.png) [@Galwegian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Galwegian)\ **Post date:** [January 20, 2010, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/380 "2010-01-20T21:40:16Z")
> [@MHaye](#): > > Q : What do you call a girl who juggles pints of ale? > A : Beatrix. > > Q : What do you call a girl who juggles pints of ale while holding a pool cue under one arm? > A : Beatrix Potter. Beatrix sounds like _Beer tricks_. Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs with a shovel in his head? A: Doug. Q. What do you call a man with no arms or legs without a shovel in his head? A: Douglas. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865.md?page=18) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865.md?page=20)