# A different sort of joke thread **URL:** \ **Category:** The Game Room\ **Created:** [January 6, 2010, 3:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865 "2010-01-06T03:45:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 21
**Author:** ![Mosier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ea924/32.png) [@Mosier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mosier)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2010, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/401 "2010-01-21T03:58:35Z")
How do you starve an ethnic? Hide his food stamps underneath his work boots. ---
**Author:** ![Jack\_Batty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jack_batty/32/3201_2.png) [@Jack\_Batty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Batty)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2010, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/402 "2010-01-21T04:44:14Z")
Tasteless misogynist joke warning: How do you treat a woman who’s been hit by a car? What the fuck’s a car doing in the kitchen? ---
**Author:** ![Jack\_Batty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jack_batty/32/3201_2.png) [@Jack\_Batty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Batty)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2010, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/403 "2010-01-21T04:56:30Z")
I suppose this one could be updated, but this is the way I heard it: George W. visits the Queen of England and he asks her, “your Majesty, how do you govern so well?” “Well,” she tells him, “I make sure to surround myself with the most intelligent people.” “How do I tell who’s intelligent?” “Let me show you.” She calls in Tony Blair. “Tony,” she asks, “your parents have a son, but he is not your brother. Who is he?” “Why, that’s me,” Tony answered immediately. “Oh, I see,” George says. He flies back to the White House and calls Dick Cheney into the Oval Office. “Dick,” W queries, “your parents have a son, but he is not your brother. Who is he?” “Hm,” Dick ponders, “let me get a team of advisors on that and I’ll get back to you sir.” He takes off and thinks about it long and hard. Dick does his best thinking on the pot, so he’s pinching a loaf and he hears Colin Powell come in and start taking a piss. “Colin,” he says from the stall, “let me ask you a question.” “Shoot.” “Your parents have a son, but he is not your brother. Who is he?” “Easy,” he responds, “it’s me.” “Great. Thanks, Colin.” He polishes up and heads back to the Oval Office. “Sir, I have the answer to your question.” “Yes? Your parents have a son, but he is not your brother. Who is he?” “Sir, it’s Colin Powell,” Dick tells him proudly. George smacks him in the head and says, “No, you idiot … it’s Tony Blair!” ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2010, 5:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/404 "2010-01-21T05:30:42Z")
Nitpick: She’s the Queen of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, not of England. Bush is receiving a briefing on the Iraq War and is told, among other things, that three Brazilian soldiers were killed that day in Baghdad. Much to the surprise of his NSC aide, the President bursts into tears, and finally is able to gasp out, “How many is a brazillion, again?” * * * Q: What has twenty feet and seven teeth? A: A hillbilly unemployment line. * * * Joe: Do you know the difference between cum and cream? Fred: No, what? Joe: Remind me not to go out for coffee with you. ---
**Author:** ![Kobal2](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kobal2/32/20_2.png) [@Kobal2](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kobal2)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2010, 5:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/405 "2010-01-21T05:37:18Z")
> [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > Joe: Do you know the difference between cum and cream? > Fred: No, what? > Joe: Remind me not to go out for coffee with you. Which reminds me : Joe : If you were out camping, and you woke up naked, bruised and with a used condom sticking out of your butt, would you tell anyone ? Fred : Guess not… Joe (brightly) : Wanna go camping ? ---
**Author:** ![Jack\_Batty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jack_batty/32/3201_2.png) [@Jack\_Batty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jack_Batty)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2010, 5:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/406 "2010-01-21T05:44:17Z")
> [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > Nitpick: She’s the Queen of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, not of England. And I’m sure Dick Cheney never really took a shit in the same room that Colin Powell was pissing in in the White House either, but thanks for the tip. ---
**Author:** ![beo.thuck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7ab992/32.png) [@beo.thuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/beo.thuck)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2010, 5:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/407 "2010-01-21T05:56:02Z")
Knock knock Who’s there? The Interrupting Cow The Inter… Mooooooooooo ---
**Author:** ![Trepa\_Mayfield](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/edb3f5/32.png) [@Trepa\_Mayfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trepa_Mayfield)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2010, 6:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/408 "2010-01-21T06:09:53Z")
> [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](#): > > President Obama is sitting at his desk in the Oval Office, bemoaning the results of the Massachusetts Senate election, looking at his own poll numbers, wondering about the healthcare reform bill, the war in Afghanistan, etc. He remembers that Dubya left three envelopes for him, saying, “When things look bad, I mean _really_ bleak, open 'em up, buddy. One at a time, though.” > > Obama pulls the envelopes out. They’re all sealed, and numbered one through three. He opens envelope #1. Inside is a small card in Dubya’s handwriting that says simply, “Blame me.” So he goes out, holds a press conference and blames his predecessor for all of the country’s problems. His poll numbers improve and things are better for awhile. > > A few months later, though, things are bad again. Obama opens envelope #2, which has a card reading, “Blame the press.” So he goes out and gives a bunch of speeches about how his administration’s policies are really working well, but how hard it is to get through the unfair and biased Mainstream Media filter. His poll numbers edge up, and things are a little better for awhile. > > Then the recession deepens and there’s a crisis in Pakistan. His poll numbers are in the crapper. Desperate, Obama opens envelope #3, and pulls out the card, which reads, “Prepare three envelopes.” Thank you so so SO very much! I’ve been trying to remember the second half of that joke for over 3 years now! That’s one question finally laid to rest! Thank you! ---
**Author:** ![Rala](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8797f3/32.png) [@Rala](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rala)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2010, 8:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/409 "2010-01-21T08:59:15Z")
There were two muffins sitting in an oven. One of them said “Oh my gosh! it’s really hot in here!” The other one said “Oh my gosh! A talking muffin!” * * * Three men were on holiday and went out drinking together. They woke up the next morning in prison, unable to remember anything about the night before, and found out that they had been sentenced to death. The first man was seated in the electric chair, and he was asked if he had any final words. He said “I don’t know what happened last night. But I am a minister of religion, and I believe that God will not allow a righteous man to die this way.” The switch was pulled, and nothing happened. The gaolers decided that this must be a sign from God that the man was not guilty, so they let him go free. The second man was strapped into the chair and asked if he had any final words. He said “I am a lawyer, and I believe in the power of justice to intervene on behalf of the innocent.” They pulled the switch, and nothing happened. The gaolers decided that the law must be on his side, and let him go free. The third man got into the chair, and was asked if he had anything to say. He said “I’m an electrician, and I believe that you’re not going to execute anybody today unless you connect those two wires together.” * * * A man was lying awake in bed one night when he heard a ghostly voice saying “Sell your house, sell your car, take all the money and fly to Las Vegas.” For weeks the man tried to ignore the voice, but eventually he caved. When he got off the plane, the voice said “Turn down that street and go into the third casino on the left.” The man did so. When he was inside, the voice told him “Go and join that game of roulette.” He did, and was instructed to “Put all your money on 17.” The wheel spun. The winner was … 20! The ghostly voice said “Damn.” * * * Jake and Mary hadn’t been as careful as they should have been with regard to contraception, and she discovered that she was pregnant. She said “If you don’t marry me, I’m going to throw myself off a bridge!” Jake grinned and clapped her on the back. “Not only are you great in bed,” he said “you’re a good sport too!” ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2010, 12:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/410 "2010-01-21T12:51:48Z")
> [@](#): > > They considered “Rears and Queers”, then “Nuts and Butts”, before eventually agreeing on “Odds and Ends”. 6 points. > [@](#): > > “Well,” he says, “first off, you should know that She’s black, and She’s pissed.” 6 points. > [@](#): > > “Prepare three envelopes.” Zero points. > [@](#): > > And a recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his." 5 points. > [@](#): > > “You look pretty worn out. You should relax - why not go to the theater?” 7 points. > [@](#): > > “I have good news! God has assured me that we will never again have to turn over any of our sacred territory to the Palestinians.” 6 points. > [@](#): > > My Wills and Trusts course at law school was actually nicknamed “Stiffs and Gifts.” 8 points. I know it’s not a _joke_ joke. But I like it. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2010, 12:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/411 "2010-01-21T12:54:11Z")
> [@](#): > > How do you starve an ethnic? > > Hide his food stamps underneath his work boots. 9 points. > [@](#): > > How do you treat a woman who’s been hit by a car? > > What the fuck’s a car doing in the kitchen? 8 points. > [@](#): > > “No, you idiot … it’s Tony Blair!” 7 points. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2010, 12:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/412 "2010-01-21T12:55:36Z")
> [@](#): > > Bush is receiving a briefing on the Iraq War and is told, among other things, that three Brazilian soldiers were killed that day in Baghdad. Much to the surprise of his NSC aide, the President bursts into tears, and finally is able to gasp out, “How many is a brazillion, again?” **10 points for Elendil’s Heir!!!** Laughed aloud, I did. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2010, 1:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/413 "2010-01-21T13:00:40Z")
> [@](#): > > Q: What has twenty feet and seven teeth? > A: A hillbilly unemployment line. 8 points. > [@](#): > > Joe: Do you know the difference between cum and cream? > Fred: No, what? > Joe: Remind me not to go out for coffee with you. Zero points. > [@](#): > > Joe : If you were out camping, and you woke up naked, bruised and with a used condom sticking out of your butt, would you tell anyone ? > Fred : Guess not… > Joe (brightly) : Wanna go camping ? Zero points. > [@](#): > > Knock knock > Who’s there? > The Interrupting Cow > The Inter… > Mooooooooooo Zero points. > [@](#): > > The other one said “Oh my gosh! A talking muffin!” 7 points. > [@](#): > > He said “I’m an electrician, and I believe that you’re not going to execute anybody today unless you connect those two wires together.” 6 points. > [@](#): > > The ghostly voice said “Damn.” Zero points. I had heard that the voice said “fuck”. Guess it depends on your audience. > [@](#): > > “Not only are you great in bed,” he said “you’re a good sport too!” 7 points. ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2010, 1:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/414 "2010-01-21T13:10:39Z")
Leader Board Updated **The following posters have 10-point submissions:** Elendil’s Heir (x2) Johnny Q (x2) J-P L (x2) amrussell CMOSDES Joey P njtt Tattman ---
**Author:** ![Hoopy\_Frood](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hoopy_frood/32/8452_2.png) [@Hoopy\_Frood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hoopy_Frood)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2010, 1:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/415 "2010-01-21T13:13:05Z")
> [@Jack\_Batty](#): > > Tasteless misogynist joke warning: Here’s another extremely offensive one: Q. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? A. Not much you can say. You already told her twice. ---
**Author:** ![Hoopy\_Frood](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hoopy_frood/32/8452_2.png) [@Hoopy\_Frood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hoopy_Frood)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2010, 1:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/416 "2010-01-21T13:18:48Z")
Knock, knock. Who’s there. Control Freak. Now you say “Control Freak who?”. (Anyone who actually answers didn’t get the joke.) ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2010, 1:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/417 "2010-01-21T13:32:25Z")
> [@](#): > > Q. What do you tell a woman with two black eyes? > > A. Not much you can say. You already told her twice. 9 points. > [@](#): > > Knock, knock. > Who’s there. > Control Freak. Now you say “Control Freak who?”. Zero points. I have bad luck telling this one. ---
**Author:** ![Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/7cd45c/32.png) [@Elendil\_s\_Heir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Elendil_s_Heir)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2010, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/418 "2010-01-21T16:23:08Z")
> [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](#): > > **10 points for Elendil’s Heir!!!** Laughed aloud, I did. Glad to hear it. Woohoo! Thanks. Julius Caesar is returning in triumph to Rome. A long parade winds along the Appian Way behind him: thousands of soldiers with their shields and spears, a horde of prisoners in shackles, wagons full of loot. As he rides along on his white horse, his head held high, the Emperor hears a murmured noise over the blare of his soldiers’ horns: “Mmm mmm mmm mmmmmm.” Then he hears it again. And again! _What is that damned noise_, he wonders? He holds up his hand, and at once, total silence falls. Then again he hears it: “Mmm mmm mmm mmmmmm.” Caesar realizes the noise is coming from one of the dozens of crucified convicts nailed up along the road. He jumps off his horse and strides over to the man, who again murmurs, “Mmm mmm mmm mmmmmm.” The Emperor, enraged now, gets right in the crucified man’s face, and says, “What was that you were saying? Speak up!” The man softly sings, “I… love a parade!” * * * Joe has pushed a broom behind the circus elephants, scooping up their steaming poop, for 40 years. A friend suggests he get another job. “What?” he asks, appalled. “And leave show business?” * * * Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb? A: _That’s not very damned funny!_ Q: How many judges does it take to change a light bulb? A: Just one. He holds it and the Universe revolves around him. Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb? A: One. But it has to _want_ to change. Q: How many Californians does it take to screw in a light bulb? A: Don’t be silly. Californians screw in hot tubs. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2010, 4:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/419 "2010-01-21T16:57:12Z")
According to Sigmund Freud, what comes between fear and sex? Fünf ---
**Author:** ![astorian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ad7895/32.png) [@astorian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/astorian)\ **Post date:** [January 21, 2010, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865/420 "2010-01-21T17:28:43Z")
I always heard the definiton of Irish foreplay was, “You awake, luv?” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865.md?page=20) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-different-sort-of-joke-thread/523865.md?page=22)