# A dilemma - need kind of quick advice **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [September 10, 2013, 12:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-dilemma-need-kind-of-quick-advice/668495 "2013-09-10T12:54:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![QuickSilver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/quicksilver/32/7832_2.png) [@QuickSilver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/QuickSilver)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2013, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-dilemma-need-kind-of-quick-advice/668495/21 "2013-09-10T14:55:30Z")
> [@yellowjacketcoder](#): > > I can’t tell if you agree with me or disagree with me. > > EDIT: Poe’s law in effect. I’m in agreement with you. The way these things go, we rarely (if ever) get both sides of the story. Best just to roll with the facts we have and immediately recommend DIVORCE as the only rational course of action. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![yellowjacketcoder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/4bbf92/32.png) [@yellowjacketcoder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/yellowjacketcoder)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2013, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-dilemma-need-kind-of-quick-advice/668495/22 "2013-09-10T14:58:42Z")
> [@QuickSilver](#): > > I’m in agreement with you. The way these things go, we rarely (if ever) get both sides of the story. Best just to roll with the facts we have and immediately recommend DIVORCE as the only rational course of action. 😃 Ah. Clearly 😃 ---
**Author:** ![JohnT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johnt/32/15048_2.png) [@JohnT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnT)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2013, 3:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-dilemma-need-kind-of-quick-advice/668495/23 "2013-09-10T15:04:20Z")
> [@salinqmind](#): > > Situation: wife has had a trip to visit relatives across the country, and attend a wedding. Hotel and plane reservations made, dress, jewelry, shoes bought. Relatives have been begging her for years to please come visit. > > Husband is immature, needy, anxiety-plagued individual who has an umbilical hernia. All of a sudden he decides he has to have an operation possibly before she goes. He doesn’t want to stay home alone for a week in case he’s struck down with intestinal strangulation. He has NO symptoms, no pain, he’s had the hernia for month. He doesn’t want her to go on that trip, and she feels he’s pulling this shit now to ruin her trip. > > She is devastated, just devastated. If they schedule the operation (which is an in-out thing with a few days to take it easy) and it interferes with her trip, she will have to call it off and attend to the husband. He’s seeing a doctor today to get an opinion. > > There is no one - NO ONE - else to help. She is IT. (she also has to take care of two disabled adults, found someone to fill in for her.) > > \*\*I can understand each one’s feelings. \*\* He is scared, doesn’t want her to leave him home alone, wants her there to take care of him. She feels he is doing this precisely to prevent her trip, that he’s had months to have his hernia operated on, and she is devastated that she won’t see her beloved family after waiting a whole year. She is SO depressed. > > Won’t find out what will happen with husband’s big fat herniated gut till later today. > > What should she do? Suck it up, call the family, cancel the trip, and be a good supportive wife? How can she do that? Just pretend she’s good with it? Is SHE being the immature selfish one? Well, I don’t understand _his_ feelings - he’s being a goddamned asshole. Yes, Divorce is the only option. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Ravenman](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ravenman/32/2929_2.png) [@Ravenman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ravenman)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2013, 3:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-dilemma-need-kind-of-quick-advice/668495/24 "2013-09-10T15:11:03Z")
She should ask the doctor if the surgery can be safely scheduled one week after return from the trip. Be sure the doctor answers the question (which sounds like the answer will assuredly be in the affirmative) in the presence of the husband. Then go on the trip, and leave the husband in the hotel room to whine and watch TV while everyone else has fun at the wedding. ---
**Author:** ![fluiddruid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c2a13f/32.png) [@fluiddruid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fluiddruid)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2013, 3:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-dilemma-need-kind-of-quick-advice/668495/25 "2013-09-10T15:12:47Z")
There’s always someone else to help - home health care - as long as there’s money for it. Heck, I’ve gotten home health care visits, paid for by insurance, even when I lived with family members – nurses can do stuff family members usually can’t, like monitor your vitals, check for drug interactions, manage your case, et cetera. I paid zero out of pocket for this, by the way, and my insurance isn’t spectacular. Hell, if you want to just hire someone out, try [care.com](http://care.com) or Craigslist. I’ve been very sick and just moved home again a few weeks ago, so hired a couple of home aides just to help me with non-skilled stuff like picking up around the house and just being around awhile each day to make sure I’m OK. That’s hella cheaper than wasting all that money spent on the trip already. There’s no reason she has to miss such an important event, and he’s pretty selfish to expect her to. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2013, 3:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-dilemma-need-kind-of-quick-advice/668495/26 "2013-09-10T15:17:50Z")
Are you the wife in this situation? Go on the trip. This is minor, elective surgery and your husband will be fine. Enjoy yourself and have a lovely time with your relatives. Tell him to join the Straight Dope if he needs some company whilst you’re away, because we are soooo sympathetic! 😉 ---
**Author:** ![as\_u\_wish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6f9a4e/32.png) [@as\_u\_wish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/as_u_wish)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2013, 3:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-dilemma-need-kind-of-quick-advice/668495/27 "2013-09-10T15:32:59Z")
No, no, no. NO! You guys have it all wrong. She should cancel the trip right now. Before he checks with the doctor. Before they know if it can be handled after she returns. Return the clothing. Cry with all the relatives. This must be done immediately with a major attitude and drama. Then she’ll be able to hold this over his head for the next ten years any time he wants to do anything. “You made me miss a once in a life-time opportunity. Something I can never do again. Because you wouldn’t go to the doctor for MONTHS and then you just HAD to do it RIGHT before the TRIP. You are worthless and you OWE me.” Don’t you guys understand anything about how emotional blackmail works in passive-aggressive diseased relationships? This is a Class A opportunity. _Honestly!_ ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2013, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-dilemma-need-kind-of-quick-advice/668495/28 "2013-09-10T15:37:15Z")
> [@Boyo\_Jim](#): > > This might make sense in any modern country in the world except the US. Insurance won’t conver elective surgery at a remote and distant location from his coverage area. Doing this would likely result in financial devastation – that is, assuming they’re in the US. Depends on the plan. And I agree, she needs to re-evaluate what she might be getting out of this marriage. Who are the “two disabled adults” she cares for, anyway? Parents, children, siblings? Do they live with them, or elsewhere? Haven’t read the whole thread, so maybe this has been addressed. ---
**Author:** ![swampspruce](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/swampspruce/32/261_2.png) [@swampspruce](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/swampspruce)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2013, 3:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-dilemma-need-kind-of-quick-advice/668495/29 "2013-09-10T15:43:03Z")
Having had umbilical hernia surgury I can tell you that if it can be done laproscopically it is an in and out affair and fairly rapid recovery. Mine was not and required me to be opened up and a largish piece of mesh inserted. I was out of it for the next few days and off work for three weeks. Even then I couldn’t lift more than five lbs for six weeks as I recovered. Intestinal strangulation could occur if left untreated but that’s his Physician’s call. Personally, I look at the wording and it’s clear to me where the OP wants the sympathy to lie. We don’t have the full story, and how exactly do you know that he has had no pain, no symptoms, etc.? It took me months to finally decide to get the surgery after weighing the risks. Does his timing suck? Sure does. Does it look bad? Yep. Should she go anyway? Probably. I find it really hard to believe that there is no one else they can rely on. Since you seem personally invested, why can’t you be a contact for the husband, Salinqmind? I’m assuming that you and he don’t get along but if you are sympatico with the wife she will know that he won’t call you unless he absolutely has to. ---
**Author:** ![JerrySTL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e274bd/32.png) [@JerrySTL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JerrySTL)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2013, 4:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-dilemma-need-kind-of-quick-advice/668495/30 "2013-09-10T16:12:54Z")
She should get to the root of the problem and not treat the symptoms. Get marriage counseling and if that doesn’t work, divorce his sorry ass. ---
**Author:** ![salinqmind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3ec8ea/32.png) [@salinqmind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/salinqmind)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2013, 4:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-dilemma-need-kind-of-quick-advice/668495/31 "2013-09-10T16:38:52Z")
OK, she just called me and crisis seems to be averted. They saw the doctor who said, ‘yep, that’s a hernia. Any pain? No? Well, I’ll refer you to a surgeon who will call you in a couple of weeks. Don’t move any pianos. And you should seriously lose some weight. Have a nice day.’ Husband feels better that the process has been started and understands the trip IS going to take place, and any further doctoring will have to wait till she gets back. Wife relieved that the doctor did not recommend immediate surgery as it IS a run-of-the-mill hernia. Which can wait, and will just have to until she gets back. She said she will not stay home if there is no emergency. She IS a big doormat, she’s like an old fashioned 50’s housewife, hasn’t even worked in 25 years, but this wedding trip is really important. If she went, nevertheless, it would be unpleasant if he made a scene. If she stayed home, it would be very unpleasant for HIM. Thanks for the replies. I’ll tell her everybody is on her side! ---
**Author:** ![Dendarii\_Dame](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/bbce88/32.png) [@Dendarii\_Dame](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dendarii_Dame)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2013, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-dilemma-need-kind-of-quick-advice/668495/32 "2013-09-10T17:08:09Z")
> [@salinqmind](#): > > She IS a big doormat, she’s like an old fashioned 50’s housewife, hasn’t even worked in 25 years, but this wedding trip is really important. I thought you said she cared for two disabled people. Even if she’s not paid for that, let me tell you, it’s _work_. ---
**Author:** ![salinqmind](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3ec8ea/32.png) [@salinqmind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/salinqmind)\ **Post date:** [September 10, 2013, 6:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-dilemma-need-kind-of-quick-advice/668495/33 "2013-09-10T18:33:12Z")
> [@Dendarii\_Dame](#): > > I thought you said she cared for two disabled people. Even if she’s not paid for that, let me tell you, it’s _work_. The disabled people are relatives, and no, she doesn’t get paid. One of them gives her gas money, the other is so poor she gives HIM a few bucks a week. It certainly is a LOT of work, not to mention the mental stress of worrying about them. I can relate. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-dilemma-need-kind-of-quick-advice/668495.md?page=1)