# A "FAMILY GUY" Request **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [August 19, 2004, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-family-guy-request/260584 "2004-08-19T18:11:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![thwartme](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecc23a/32.png) [@thwartme](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thwartme)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2004, 6:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-family-guy-request/260584/1 "2004-08-19T18:11:53Z")
Hello all, So, I’m in a bit of a bind. I need to do a quick, comedic monologue for an event on the weekend, and the one I’d really like to do is Brian’s coked-up rant from the ‘Family Guy’ episode “The Thin White Line”. Unfortunately, my DVD is on loan, and I can’t find a transcript on the web. Can anyone help me out? Specifically, I’m looking for the monologue in which Brian starts be telling Lois about finding some guy smuggling drugs in his baby’s diapers (I think) and then goes into a big rant about there’s no moral decency anymore. Any help would be greatly appreciated. Thanks, thwartme ---
**Author:** ![Ponster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponster/32/17081_2.png) [@Ponster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponster)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2004, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-family-guy-request/260584/2 "2004-08-19T18:29:34Z")
If you don’t have any luck by tomorrow I’ll do it for ya 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![thwartme](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecc23a/32.png) [@thwartme](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thwartme)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2004, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-family-guy-request/260584/3 "2004-08-19T18:35:07Z")
Thanks, **Ponster**! I’ll let you know. thwartme ---
**Author:** ![thwartme](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecc23a/32.png) [@thwartme](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thwartme)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2004, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-family-guy-request/260584/4 "2004-08-19T19:01:10Z")
Ah… friends. I was just emailed the transcript. If anyone wants it… “My day? Un-FREAKIN-believable. First, first we nail this bastard who had the gall to hide his stuff in his daughter’s doll. Her DOLL for God’s sake! Oh, where’s the line anymore? Well, I got news for you. It’s, it’s it’s not even the RADAR screen! The days of decency and virtue are gone, honey. BAM! Freakin’ evaporated like a dingy, stinkin’ mud-puddle. One, one day you, you see your reflection in it, and the next day it’s, it’s a, it’s a damn OIL SPOT on your cracked driveway, staring back at you, mocking you, blah, blah, blah, and knowing the perverted truths and rot in the pit of your soul. That’s how my freakin’ day was!” Thanks for offer, all the same Ponster. thwartme ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2004, 7:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-family-guy-request/260584/5 "2004-08-19T19:36:56Z")
Can I play your coked-out, scantily-clad whore? ---
**Author:** ![Otto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/bbe5ce/32.png) [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2004, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-family-guy-request/260584/6 "2004-08-19T19:56:37Z")
> [@SPOOFE](#): > > Can I play your coked-out, scantily-clad whore? Type casting’s a bitch, isn’t it? ---
**Author:** ![Ross](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e274bd/32.png) [@Ross](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ross)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2004, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-family-guy-request/260584/7 "2004-08-19T20:11:09Z")
I think it would be better if you did Peter’s fight with the giant chicken that sold him a bad coupon. ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2004, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-family-guy-request/260584/8 "2004-08-19T20:29:04Z")
> [@](#): > > Type casting’s a bitch, isn’t it? What I _really_ wanna do is direct. ---
**Author:** ![FordPrefect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e99b99/32.png) [@FordPrefect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FordPrefect)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2004, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-family-guy-request/260584/9 "2004-08-19T20:29:31Z")
> [@SPOOFE](#): > > Can I play your coked-out, scantily-clad whore? “Who’s this?” “How about less questions and more SHUT THE HELL UP!” 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Nonsuch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nonsuch/32/2922_2.png) [@Nonsuch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nonsuch)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2004, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-family-guy-request/260584/10 "2004-08-19T20:40:32Z")
Try to include the later scene where Brian tells Chris and Meg, “I leave more personality in tightly-coiled piles on the lawn!” ---
**Author:** ![RandMcnally](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/b782af/32.png) [@RandMcnally](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RandMcnally)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2004, 12:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-family-guy-request/260584/11 "2004-08-20T00:16:38Z")
“How do you get so thin?” “It’s a diet called _Put Down the Friggin Fork_!” ---
**Author:** ![SPOOFE](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/c5a1d2/32.png) [@SPOOFE](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SPOOFE)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2004, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-family-guy-request/260584/12 "2004-08-20T00:44:40Z")
The best part is Brian’s coked-up laugh. I wish there were a way to express it without it reading like “generic silly laugh #12”… ---
**Author:** ![Ponster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponster/32/17081_2.png) [@Ponster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponster)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2004, 10:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-family-guy-request/260584/13 "2004-08-20T10:01:52Z")
Darn…I think I’ll go and watch that episode anyhow 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2004, 10:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-family-guy-request/260584/14 "2004-08-20T10:05:40Z")
> [@SPOOFE](#): > > The best part is Brian’s coked-up laugh. I wish there were a way to express it without it reading like “generic silly laugh #12”… I’d say it’s manic. ---
**Author:** ![Askia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/96bed5/32.png) [@Askia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askia)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2004, 12:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-family-guy-request/260584/15 "2004-08-20T12:02:50Z")
What’s the name of the Family Guy episode where Stewie attempts to escape home to the closing theme of the Incredible Hulk? I think he’s hitching against a live-sction backdrop of passing cars? ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2004, 12:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-family-guy-request/260584/16 "2004-08-20T12:10:19Z")
I don’t know the name of it, but it’s the one where Lois finds out that Peter is a great pianist when he’s drunk. Here we go: [Wasted Talent](http://www.planet-familyguy.com/episodes/capsule.php?id=2ACX15). ---
**Author:** ![Askia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/96bed5/32.png) [@Askia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askia)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2004, 12:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-family-guy-request/260584/17 "2004-08-20T12:11:46Z")
Thaaaaaaaaank you.