# A FAQ for Heaven **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 5, 2002, 1:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-faq-for-heaven/127124 "2002-09-05T13:13:38Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/crankyasanoldman/32/11670_2.png) [@CrankyAsAnOldMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CrankyAsAnOldMan)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2002, 1:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-faq-for-heaven/127124/1 "2002-09-05T13:13:38Z")
In my LiveJournal I was pondering how the newly-deceased, upon ascension to Heaven, would get their burning questions answered. You know, those questions you’ve always wanted to ask The Big Guy about. I had several replies, and then Manhattan suggested that perhaps there would be a FAQ in Heaven, so that ol’ Yahweh wouldn’t waste time answering the same inquiries over and over. Ask questions without reading the FAQ, and you risk the ire of God. Or his laughter. Imagine the shame of getting laughed out of Heaven, especially if (like me) you got in there by the skin of your teeth to begin with! So, anyway…what would be on the Heaven FAQ? I know that somewhere on the list would have to be “Did Adam and Eve have belly buttons?” Your submissions, please. ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2002, 1:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-faq-for-heaven/127124/2 "2002-09-05T13:48:16Z")
Do we really get all the free beer we can drink? Does this mean, since I’m in Heaven and all, that I can finally bang twins? What about **Cranky** and her clone? C’mon, tell me the truth, it was the Big Bang, wasn’t it? ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2002, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-faq-for-heaven/127124/3 "2002-09-05T14:02:51Z")
What’s the deal with the platypus? Wasn’t I really the daughter of royalty, left on the doorstep of my “parents” to protect me from assassins? I can’t _really_ be related to me so-called sibs… Do we get our own clouds or do we share? Do these wings make my butt look fat? ---
**Author:** ![DeadlyAccurate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ac91a4/32.png) [@DeadlyAccurate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DeadlyAccurate)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2002, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-faq-for-heaven/127124/4 "2002-09-05T14:15:34Z")
Be careful on that last one, **FCM**. Remember, God won’t lie! My subs: Is it okay to play practical jokes on Satan & Co? How do I find my cats? Is there some sort of cloud address registry sorted by species I can reference? Do we get broadband and if so, is it cable or DSL? ---
**Author:** ![lieu](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c2a13f/32.png) [@lieu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lieu)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2002, 2:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-faq-for-heaven/127124/5 "2002-09-05T14:25:47Z")
Was Madonna pissed that she didn’t get in? Have my grandparents been watching me masturbate? Shouldn’t there be more priests? We still get to eat peanut butter, right? ---
**Author:** ![screech-owl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2002, 3:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-faq-for-heaven/127124/6 "2002-09-05T15:07:48Z")
Do we have to wear white robes? [White makes me look dead. Blue is much better with my skin tone.] Are there try-outs for the angelic choir? [I’m a mezzo, but always get stuck with the sopranos.] Can I get a full-sized pedal harp instead of one of the little carry-around ones? For those who believe in reincarnation (I’m sure it alleviates over-crowding), can we choose what to come back as? [I want to be something with good knees that don’t sound like Rice Krispies when I walk. That or a dolphin.] ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2002, 3:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-faq-for-heaven/127124/7 "2002-09-05T15:14:57Z")
Can I smite somebody? Got any lawyers? Is Opal here? ---
**Author:** ![dreamer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/6bbea6/32.png) [@dreamer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dreamer)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2002, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-faq-for-heaven/127124/8 "2002-09-05T15:16:12Z")
Actually there won’t be a FAQ in Heaven. Once you’re there you won’t have to ask anything because you will already know all the answers. All things will be revealed to you. And if you do have a question all you have to do is think it, and wha-la! You will have your answer. **thinksnow** I think the answers to your three questions will probably be (with a loud thundering and audible voice) No. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2002, 3:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-faq-for-heaven/127124/9 "2002-09-05T15:20:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by dreamer \* > \*\*Actually there won’t be a FAQ in Heaven. Once you’re there you won’t have to ask anything because you will already know all the answers. All things will be revealed to you. And if you do have a question all you have to do is think it, and wha-la! You will have your answer. \*\* Hmmm. That doesn’t sound like anywhere near as much fun as discovery is here on Earth. ---
**Author:** ![monica](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a183cd/32.png) [@monica](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monica)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2002, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-faq-for-heaven/127124/10 "2002-09-05T19:52:07Z")
First of all, I was about to say the same thing as Mangetout. Now for my burning question: In semi-modern Egypt and surrounding areas, it is said that when guys go to heaven, they get all these virgins. What happens to the virgins once they are deflowered? And where do they keep getting more from? ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2002, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-faq-for-heaven/127124/11 "2002-09-05T20:06:10Z")
Well, did Clapton’s kid recognize him? I apologize in advance. ---
**Author:** ![screech-owl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2002, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-faq-for-heaven/127124/12 "2002-09-05T20:08:15Z")
Is there really a handbasket personalized with my name, or was my mom making that up? ---
**Author:** ![Mr\_Friendly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f05b48/32.png) [@Mr\_Friendly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr_Friendly)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2002, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-faq-for-heaven/127124/13 "2002-09-05T20:10:46Z")
“like jah man, is it cool to skin up?” ---
**Author:** ![dreamer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/6bbea6/32.png) [@dreamer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dreamer)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2002, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-faq-for-heaven/127124/14 "2002-09-05T21:13:31Z")
> [@](#): > > Hmmm. That doesn’t sound like anywhere near as much fun as discovery is here on Earth. Yeah, but did you hear that you can travel anywhere in the universe in the same way? Just imagine the possibilities! Oh and let’s not forget that there will be music with notes the human ear hasn’t been able to hear ever before, colors your eyes could not even imagine the beauty of, AND of course tastes your tongue has never experienced before. Oh and let’s not forget there will be no more sadness, tears, or death. That sounds a lot more fun than anything here on Earth. ---
**Author:** ![Marine\_One](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/marine_one/32/3461_2.png) [@Marine\_One](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marine_One)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2002, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-faq-for-heaven/127124/15 "2002-09-05T21:17:13Z")
Do the dead Bigfoot and Abominable Snowman creatures get in? Why are there more women than men here? Where’s the angel food cake? I want to see Elvis. What do you mean, not dead?? ---
**Author:** ![Humble\_Servant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/47e85d/32.png) [@Humble\_Servant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Humble_Servant)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2002, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-faq-for-heaven/127124/16 "2002-09-05T21:42:22Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by dreamer \* > **there will be music with notes the human ear hasn’t been able to hear ever before** Just this week I had a dream that I had died. I found myself in a place I didn’t recognize, with people I couldn’t understand, who were doing things that didn’t make sense. I felt alienated and gradually more and more miserable because I couldn’t figure out what was going on. Then…I heard music. It was Pete Seeger playing _If I Had a Hammer_ on an acoustic guitar. Merely hearing something familiar was enough to convince me I was in heaven.\* [sub]\*No moral has been invoked in the production of this post.[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2002, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-faq-for-heaven/127124/17 "2002-09-05T23:01:07Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by dreamer \* > \*\* > > Yeah, but did you hear that you can travel anywhere in the universe in the same way? Just imagine the possibilities! Oh and let’s not forget that there will be music with notes the human ear hasn’t been able to hear ever before, colors your eyes could not even imagine the beauty of, AND of course tastes your tongue has never experienced before. Oh and let’s not forget there will be no more sadness, tears, or death. That sounds a lot more fun than anything here on Earth. \*\* Oh sure, all that stuff (although I’d like to see you find chapter and verse for some of what you’ve described there), but does all of that make up for the loss of satisfaction that comes from a good job well done? God made us curious little monkeys; don’t we get to be curious anymore? ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2002, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-faq-for-heaven/127124/18 "2002-09-05T23:03:56Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Marine\_One \* > **…angel food cake?..** Is it just me or is there something not quite right with that name; Is it cake, or just _food_? ---
**Author:** ![Revtim](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/revtim/32/1042_2.png) [@Revtim](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revtim)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2002, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-faq-for-heaven/127124/19 "2002-09-05T23:38:43Z")
Heaven FAQ 1. “Why are there so many fetuses and embryos here? There weren’t THAT many abortions, were there?” **Answer** : Since over 60 percent of all fertilized eggs abort naturally (and the woman usually never even realizes she was pregnant), and such a small minority of the remaining fertilizations end up a heaven-deserving person, the VAST, VAST majority of heaven’s residents are embryos and fetuses. 2. “OK, why all the children?” **Answer** : For most of human history, most people didn’t survive childhood. Since they died before the age of accountability, automatic ticket to heaven. 3. “What exactly IS the age of accountability?” **Answer** : Varies from state to state. 4. “How the heck did Jeffery Dahmer and Ted Bundy end up here?” **Answer** : Deathbed conversions. Didn’t you pay attention in church, or at least read "‘Jack Chick’? ---
**Author:** ![dreamer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/6bbea6/32.png) [@dreamer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dreamer)\ **Post date:** [September 5, 2002, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-faq-for-heaven/127124/20 "2002-09-05T23:52:55Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Mangetout \* > \*\*Oh sure, all that stuff (although I’d like to see you find chapter and verse for some of what you’ve described there), but does all of that make up for the loss of satisfaction that comes from a good job well done? > God made us curious little monkeys; don’t we get to be curious anymore? \*\* Well of course there’s no scripture on this! (you had to go there though huh? 😉 ) There will be rewards for all in Heaven. I’m hoping to have a few crowns to lay at my Lords feet, though that’s an entirely different subject. Whatever you are curious about, you will be able to know. What’s wrong with that? Much better than all the “mysteries” we live with now. I’ll bet even if you wanted to _not_ know something you could, and then study and get that satisfaction you’re talking about. But would you need that satisfaction? I don’t think so. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-faq-for-heaven/127124.md?page=2)