# A Field Guide to Bad Boyfriends **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 11, 2012, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842 "2012-06-11T19:04:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2012, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/21 "2012-06-11T21:21:25Z")
> [@Freudian\_Slit](#): > > What about women who have had abusive/controlling exes? Are they bad girlfriends? Maybe. The point is multiple exes. So yeah, if she says all her boyfriends are raging abusers, she might be crazy too. One psycho ex (girl or boy), ok. Multiple ones: red flag. One thing I loved about my (now) husband was that he never trashed his ex-wife. He could talk about how they grew apart and what he didn’t like about their marriage, but he didn’t trash her. ---
**Author:** ![ZenBeam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/3ab097/32.png) [@ZenBeam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ZenBeam)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2012, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/22 "2012-06-11T21:27:08Z")
> [@zaipiaz](#): > > If I ever have a daughter, I’m going to write this stuff down for her. If your mother had written this stuff down and given it to you, would you have read it and thought “Wow! Mom’s saving me from a lot of heart ache!”, or would you have thought “Pffft. _I_ know what I’m doing!”? ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2012, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/23 "2012-06-11T21:42:35Z")
I don’t have a daughter, I do have sons, and am one. These rules don’t have to be gender specific. Except the last one. If there’s no prostate involved, that’s a girl that guys would at least like to date. > [@zaipiaz](#): > > Be wary of guys with psycho ex-girlfriends stories. Most guys have at least one. But ‘wary’ is probably a good way to approach someone with multiple crazy exes. > [@](#): > > Under no circumstance should your relationship cause crying. There are a lot of reasons for crying that can occur in relationships. Intentional abuse and other specific causes for crying would be a better way to put it. Some people (not just the women) get emotional about things that aren’t deal breakers. > [@](#): > > Pay attention to the way a man treats waitresses and servers. Very important. > [@](#): > > Pet ownership is indicative of empathy. It’s not a reliable indicator. Pay attention to the way pets are treated. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2012, 9:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/24 "2012-06-11T21:44:16Z")
> [@zaipiaz](#): > > I could write a book on dysfunctional relationships- I’ve sampled all varieties. I’ve dated alcoholics and anti-socials, schizophrenics, addicts and sociopaths. > [@](#): > > Be wary of guys with psycho ex-girlfriends stories. Are you saying people should be wary of folks like you? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2012, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/25 "2012-06-11T21:54:17Z")
> [@zaipiaz](#): > > Pay attention to the way a man treats waitresses and servers. Handy tip: if he gives them his phone number while you’re in the ladies room, that’s a danger sign. ---
**Author:** ![Death\_of\_Rats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a6a055/32.png) [@Death\_of\_Rats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Death_of_Rats)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2012, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/26 "2012-06-11T21:57:33Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > Are you saying people should be wary of folks like you? 😉 She is telling us and current/future daughters as a warning. That’s ok. Talking about multiple crazy ex-es to current, future crazy ex is a red flag. ---
**Author:** ![Ibanez](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/a4c791/32.png) [@Ibanez](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ibanez)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2012, 10:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/27 "2012-06-11T22:41:06Z")
> [@zaipiaz](#): > > The advantage of early promiscuity is that a girl gains a good amount of experience with men before she’s too old to put it to use. These days, I see a cheater from a mile away. \*\*That smile, the mischievous sparkle, that predatory eye contact- I’ve seen it before. Yes, you are charming, but a little too charming. \*\*Coffee? No thanks. But let me guess you want a confident man right ? So the guy with shifty gaze who can’t maintain eye contact is your ideal man ? And what’s predatory eye contact anyways, we talking great white shark eye contact where an internal eyelid rolls over our eye balls ? . ---
**Author:** ![An\_Arky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/87869e/32.png) [@An\_Arky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/An_Arky)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2012, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/28 "2012-06-11T22:52:24Z")
I’m going to stick with trying to encourage good judgement in my sons and daughter, rather than give them a mental cyclorama of my sexual history. ---
**Author:** ![Sattua](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sattua/32/11906_2.png) [@Sattua](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sattua)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2012, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/29 "2012-06-11T23:08:44Z")
Don’t commit until you’re 25. If the relationship can’t be public, you shouldn’t be in it. Pay attention to what he does, not what he says. If something doesn’t feel right, it isn’t. ---
**Author:** ![Ulfreida](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ulfreida/32/8014_2.png) [@Ulfreida](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ulfreida)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2012, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/30 "2012-06-11T23:11:57Z")
> [@Ibanez](#): > > But let me guess you want a confident man right ? So the guy with shifty gaze who can’t maintain eye contact is your ideal man ? And what’s predatory eye contact anyways, we talking great white shark eye contact where an internal eyelid rolls over our eye balls ? > > . Strike a nerve or something? Many women can tell the difference between someone who is comfortable in their own skin and likes women, and someone who sees himself as a smooth hustler – yes, on the hunt – out for his own good time. Some can’t . . . and some men don’t know there is any difference. ---
**Author:** ![aruvqan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aruvqan/32/2891_2.png) [@aruvqan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aruvqan)\ **Post date:** [June 11, 2012, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/31 "2012-06-11T23:17:15Z")
> [@eclectic\_wench](#): > > If you wouldn’t want him for a friend, you don’t want him for a boyfriend. I’ll say the same to any hypothetical future sons, too. > > I’ve seen plenty of people choose partners who behave in ways they would never, ever accept from friends. It does not end well. You pick friends who are good to you, make you laugh, stand by you. You pick friends who you like and trust and consider to be sound human beings. You pick friends who bring out your best sides, not your worst. You pick friends who make your life a better place. Why the hell wouldn’t you expect the same from a partner? I know a number of guys that are OK as friends, but not as boyfriends/lovers/potential or real spouses. \*the guy who is not to my physical taste [nothing against him, just not into the big burly wrestler/football player type. Lovely guy, fun as hell to hang out with, sweet disposition - I just really do not get turned on by a 6’6" 280 pound athletic guy. I feel like he would crush me or something. I am more into 6’, maybe 6’2 tops. mrAru is 5’8". \*the guy who is very christian - again, sweet guy. Nice, good looking if you like the blond midwest corn fed beef type. However, I do not want a relationship with a guy who is into praying frequently. I am an agnostic, born baptist but not born again as my mum did it right the first time. But he is a blast to hang out with, plays a mean game of pool and loves to sail and swim. He and I caught my first tuna on a head boat out of Norfolk VA. \*Electronics geek, used to work at Harris RF in Rochester. Nice guy, wanted to get married and pop out a half dozen good little catholics. Into sf and fantasy, loves to read. I am not catholic and would not be a good fit, but he was fun to date and as a friend with benefits. So yes, you can know guys that are great as friends, even great to date but not to marry/have a permanent relationship with. ---
**Author:** ![Electric\_Warrior](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee7513/32.png) [@Electric\_Warrior](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Electric_Warrior)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 12:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/32 "2012-06-12T00:05:19Z")
> [@aruvqan](#): > > So yes, you can know guys that are great as friends, even great to date but not to marry/have a permanent relationship with. ‘Don’t date guys you wouldn’t be friends with’ does not mean ‘don’t be friends with guys you wouldn’t date.’ > **[Converse (logic)](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Converse_(logic))** > > In logic and mathematics, the converse of a categorical or implicational statement is the result of reversing its two constituent statements. For the implication P → Q, the converse is Q → P. For the categorical proposition All S are P, the converse is All P are S. Either way, the truth of the converse is generally independent from that of the original statement. > Let S be a statement of the form P implies Q (P → Q). Then the converse of S is the statement Q implies P (Q → P). In general, the tru... That is, “All good boyfriends are good friends” doesn’t mean “All good friends are good boyfriends” any more than “All dogs are animals” means “All animals are dogs”. ---
**Author:** ![ioioio](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ioioio/32/316_2.png) [@ioioio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ioioio)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/33 "2012-06-12T00:20:25Z")
If everyone tells you your boyfriend is a jerk, he’s a jerk. He’s not insecure or misunderstood. He’s a jerk. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/34 "2012-06-12T00:28:18Z")
> [@The\_wind\_of\_my\_soul](#): > > Why should you be wary of guys with psycho ex-girlfriends? I suspect it’s because, typically, a woman only has they guy’s testimony that all those exes were “psycho.” If _every_ relationship that an individual enters into features one “psycho,” Occam’s Razor would tend to suggest who the psycho is. ---
**Author:** ![zaipiaz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/85f322/32.png) [@zaipiaz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zaipiaz)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/35 "2012-06-12T00:29:27Z")
Love it all! To answer one point made a few times in this thread: yeah, it is totally hypocritical of me to say “be wary of dudes with numerous psycho ex-girlfriend stories” while I seemingly have a history of completely ill relationships myself. The important word is “seemingly”, as I did not exactly lay out my whole relationship history from loss of virginity at 18 to present day. Besides, I could launch into the explanation of childhood experiences that shaped my crippling lack of self-esteem, which combined with a regretfully difficult relationship with my father and a familial history of alcoholism might explain a bit about my choices… BUT… you don’t need to hear all that for the purposes of this thread, which I intended to be light and filled with humorous anecdotes. Also, when I refer to myself as a promiscuous slut, it is totally tongue-in-cheek. That sort of thing is very, very subjective. Compared to my bestie, who married the first and only guy she’s ever had sex with, I am a total slut. Compared to the girlfriend who had an abortion at 16, I’m a bit of a prude. …as for that prostate stimulation thing, I will tell you I’ve been with a couple dudes who were into it. One was a confident heterosexual man who requested the ass play. Another just… uh… presented. I’ve demonstrated the pose for a few gay friends and they unanimously agree it was “totally gay”. ---
**Author:** ![CookingWithGas](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cookingwithgas/32/485_2.png) [@CookingWithGas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CookingWithGas)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/36 "2012-06-12T00:38:58Z")
I find this variety of experience really interesting. I am a 55-year-old man, 19 years into my second marriage, and since I was 18 I’ve had five other relationships that lasted over a year, plus dated maybe two or three dozen women. And I’ve never once dated an alcoholic, anti-social, schizophrenic, addict, sociopath, arrogant academic, or closet homosexual. (I’m still not sure why artists and musicians merit special mention.) My life seems boring and stead in comparison. Not that your advice is bad, but how in the world did you gravitate to all these guys in the first place? ---
**Author:** ![Capt\_Kirk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/779978/32.png) [@Capt\_Kirk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Capt_Kirk)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/37 "2012-06-12T00:43:06Z")
I spent my twenties dating flat out crazy women, thought I had a sign on my forehead the said get crazy here, yep it was me just had to grow up. Funny thing about that, I was dating this woman a few years ago and I realized that whenever she talked about an ex, it was how mean/evil/crazy/selfish etc they were, I clearly understood that was going to be said about me “hey honey going out for a pack of smokes, be back in 15” not exactly but you get the point **CAPT** ---
**Author:** ![zaipiaz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/85f322/32.png) [@zaipiaz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zaipiaz)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/38 "2012-06-12T00:45:29Z")
> [@CookingWithGas](#): > > Not that your advice is bad, but how in the world did you gravitate to all these guys in the first place? I drank a lot. No, that was a joke. Mostly. ---
**Author:** ![thelurkinghorror](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7c8e57/32.png) [@thelurkinghorror](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thelurkinghorror)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/39 "2012-06-12T00:51:19Z")
Another type of person with psycho exes is the kind of person who feels the need to “fix” damaged souls. It rarely works. Often they may get into these relationships unwittingly. It just happens; they are like chum in the water for crazies. > [@zaipiaz](#): > > Under no circumstance should your relationship cause crying. Never? If it’s a constant thing sure, but a relationship without any fights is rare. > [@](#): > > Pet ownership is indicative of empathy. Do you want to come up and see my etchings? And my prized fighting cocks? ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/40 "2012-06-12T01:00:43Z")
I think it’s someone on the Dope who came up with the idea that heaven/hell is a big house full of everyone you’ve ever slept with. I think that’s a good way to approach it- would your heaven be a big house party of interesting people? An intimate gathering of close friends? Or a whole bunch of crazy people who are pissed off at you? > [@gunnergoz](#): > > Be it for men or for women, it seems to me that one of the most precious assets we carry through life is our self-respect. I think I’d teach my daughter not to base her self-respect on what goes in her vagina. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842.md?page=3)