# A Field Guide to Bad Boyfriends **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [June 11, 2012, 7:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842 "2012-06-11T19:04:14Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 2:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/61 "2012-06-12T14:46:15Z")
> [@Arabella\_Flynn](#): > > If someone tells you that they’re crazy, believe them. In general, when people tell you what they are like, _believe them_. Never date someone and make them your “project” to reform. That happens in the movies, yes, but so do talking animals and people with superpowers. Reforming someone is especially likely to fail if the person you’re trying to reform doesn’t want to change whatever it is you’re trying to change about him or her. Relationships are an “all sales as is, no warranties express or implied” kind of situation. Pregnancy isn’t the only risk of sex. Not all sexually transmitted diseases are curable. I grew up and got sex ed when HIV was still a death sentence, so I know this. Fortunately, it’s not that any more, but it is something you will be stuck with for the rest of your life, if you get it. The _only_ time to have unprotected heterosexual sex is when you are trying to have a baby, and both you and your partner are on board with this idea. Otherwise, use a reliable form of modern birth control, and be sure to use it correctly, each and every time. ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 6:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/62 "2012-06-12T18:34:08Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > (Pet ownership is) not a reliable indicator. Pay attention to the way pets are treated. Yeah, I hear Jeffrey Dahmer went through a lot of pets. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/63 "2012-06-12T18:57:21Z")
Relationships are not always WYSIWYG. People change. You might think this contradicts what was said earlier, about not being able to reform people. It doesn’t. People changing and _you controlling how someone changes_ are two totally different animals. Your boyfriend or girlfriend may change, even change significantly, but you’re not going to have control over how those changes happen. If you want your boyfriend or girlfriend to change some minor thing, one of the better ways to bring that about is to **ask**. Say something like, “Honey, now that we have cats, I don’t want them drinking out of the toilet. Can you please try to remember to put the seat and lid down when you’re done?” This is a lot more effective than hinting around at what you want them to do. _Say_ what you want, don’t make them guess. Say it in a non-confrontational, non-accusing way, but _say it_. ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/64 "2012-06-12T19:00:31Z")
> [@zaipiaz](#): > > Pet ownership is indicative of empathy. ? Just because I think pets are more trouble than they’re worth does\* not\* mean I’m lacking empathy. I’d rather spend my time, energy, and money helping to make my wefe the happiest person on Earth. ---
**Author:** ![5f4super](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/5/b5ac83/32.png) [@5f4super](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/5f4super)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/65 "2012-06-12T20:17:04Z")
> [@Procrustus](#): > > Just because I think pets are more trouble than they’re worth does\* not\* mean I’m lacking empathy. I’d rather spend my time, energy, and money helping to make my wefe the happiest person on Earth. Umm, what is a wefe? Are they legal? ---
**Author:** ![5f4super](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/5/b5ac83/32.png) [@5f4super](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/5f4super)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/66 "2012-06-12T20:18:34Z")
> [@](#): > > The only time to have unprotected heterosexual sex is when you are trying to have a baby, and both you and your partner are on board with this idea. Otherwise, use a reliable form of modern birth control, and be sure to use it correctly, each and every time. I use a vasectomy, not a rubber. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/67 "2012-06-12T20:30:48Z")
> [@5f4super](#): > > I use a vasectomy, not a rubber. 😃 Sterilization is an example of a reliable form of modern birth control. ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/68 "2012-06-12T21:32:29Z")
Don’t expect someone to change everything about themselves that you don’t like. If you find someone who is willing to do this, _run away_. It sounds good at first, but really, there are problems there that are deeper than you want to deal with. Never move in together, get a pet, make a major purchase together, or have a baby to shore up a failing relationship. It won’t work, and it will make the breakup worse. Orders of magnitude worse, in the case of having a baby. ---
**Author:** ![eclectic\_wench](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ac91a4/32.png) [@eclectic\_wench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eclectic_wench)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/69 "2012-06-12T22:29:31Z")
> [@Electric\_Warrior](#): > > ‘Don’t date guys you wouldn’t be friends with’ does not mean ‘don’t be friends with guys you wouldn’t date.’ > > [Converse (logic) - Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Converse_(logic)) > > That is, “All good boyfriends are good friends” doesn’t mean “All good friends are good boyfriends” any more than “All dogs are animals” means “All animals are dogs”. Exactly this. I have plenty of guy friends I’d never go out with, because there’s no spark or we wouldn’t be compatible in some other way. But the spark would never be enough for me to go out with someone I didn’t enjoy and respect and trust and \*like \*and all the other things you expect from a friendship. ---
**Author:** ![cuberdon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/45deac/32.png) [@cuberdon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cuberdon)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/70 "2012-06-12T22:56:52Z")
> [@Taomist](#): > > If a guy constantly complains about his exes, run. They don’t have to be crazy, but it’s a good sign he’s either into dysfunctional relationships or just doesn’t know how to learn from them. > Just imagine what he’ll say about YOU after it’s over 😉 If it makes you cringe, run far away. This, in spades. Please, learn from others’ bad experiences. He didn’t call his exes crazy, but he sure complained about them a lot. He probably complains about me now. Do I lose any sleep over it? Oh hell no. Should I have seen it sooner? Oh hell yes. ---
**Author:** ![tomcar](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7993a0/32.png) [@tomcar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tomcar)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 11:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/71 "2012-06-12T23:11:06Z")
If you keep Ending up in relationships with messed up people, I am sorry to say that You are the problem. I think this is more of a female issue. A lot of women are hardwired to be attracted to the wrong types of guys. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 11:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/72 "2012-06-12T23:23:02Z")
> [@zaipiaz](#): > > I could write a book on dysfunctional relationships- I’ve sampled all varieties. I’ve dated alcoholics and anti-socials, schizophrenics, addicts and sociopaths. I’ve dated arrogant academics and closet homosexuals, artists and musicians. Fact: If everyone you’ve dated (generic ‘you’) has something wrong with them, the problem isn’t with all of them. ---
**Author:** ![Rick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/9f8e36/32.png) [@Rick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rick)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2012, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/73 "2012-06-12T23:38:55Z")
> [@zaipiaz](#): > > I could write a book on dysfunctional relationships- I’ve sampled all varieties. I’ve dated alcoholics and anti-socials, schizophrenics, addicts and sociopaths. I’ve dated arrogant academics and closet homosexuals, artists and musicians. [Ron White] So what’s the only constant in this equation of love? [/quote] 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2012, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/74 "2012-06-13T01:58:13Z")
> [@Anne\_Neville](#): > > If you want your boyfriend or girlfriend to change some minor thing, one of the better ways to bring that about is to **ask**. Say something like, “Honey, now that we have cats, I don’t want them drinking out of the toilet. Can you please try to remember to put the seat and lid down when you’re done?” This is a lot more effective than hinting around at what you want them to do. _Say_ what you want, don’t make them guess. Say it in a non-confrontational, non-accusing way, but _say it_. Worked on me. ---
**Author:** ![Sahirrnee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sahirrnee/32/13937_2.png) [@Sahirrnee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sahirrnee)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2012, 11:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/75 "2012-06-14T11:35:42Z")
> [@Skara\_Brae](#): > > One psycho ex may be regarded as a misfortune, more than one indicates the guy may just be attracted to crazy. Or the guy creates crazy. ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2012, 1:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/76 "2012-06-14T13:18:59Z")
> [@sahirrnee](#): > > Or the guy creates crazy. Spontaneous Institutionalization…? “Gentlemen! I propose that if we leave this normal woman, chosen at random, in a room with this specimen of man, within 24 hours she will sprout a straight-jacket and be drooling on her toes…!” ---
**Author:** ![Anne\_Neville](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Anne\_Neville](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anne_Neville)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2012, 1:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/77 "2012-06-14T13:40:19Z")
Boyfriends who insist on sex without birth control, or who refuse to use a condom when you ask them to, are bad boyfriends. Boyfriends who try to pressure you into doing something sexually that you’re not comfortable doing are bad boyfriends. Boyfriends who try to pressure you into having sex when you don’t want to (or, worse, who force you to have sex) are bad boyfriends. What they are doing is rape. Boyfriends who hit you are bad boyfriends (unless you are both into S&M and it is part of consensual sex). Even if it only happens once and he apologizes profusely afterwards. Boyfriends who put you down and make you feel bad about yourself are bad boyfriends. Boyfriends who insist on knowing where you are and what you’re doing at all times are bad boyfriends. Boyfriends who don’t want you having male friends are bad boyfriends. Boyfriends who don’t like most of your friends are bad boyfriends. They don’t have to want to hang out with your friends, but they should not have a problem with you spending time with your friends. Boyfriends who try to change a lot of things about you, or some major things about you, are bad boyfriends. These things apply, with the obvious modifications, to girlfriends as well. No significant other who does any of the above is worth staying with. ---
**Author:** ![Bricker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@Bricker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bricker)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2012, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/78 "2012-06-14T16:21:45Z")
> [@Anne\_Neville](#): > > Boyfriends who try to pressure you into having sex when you don’t want to (or, worse, who force you to have sex) are bad boyfriends. What they are doing is rape. Boyfriends who try to pressure you into having sex when you don’t want to are bad boyfriends. But what they are doing is not rape. Boyfriends who force you to have sex are bad boyfriends, and what they are doing is rape. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2012, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/79 "2012-06-14T16:51:50Z")
> [@TriPolar](#): > > Pay attention to the way pets are treated. I second this. My ex had a 5-year-old dog when we met, and I assumed it was a good sign about his heart and his ability to care for another living thing…and then I moved in with them. The dog was a very sweet Beagle, but she had behavioral issues due to being left alone too long/too often. I believe that he loved her, just like I believe that he loved me, but in both cases the love was on his terms and at his convenience. I, however, did not start peeing on the carpets or licking things excessively. > [@CookingWithGas](#): > > (I’m still not sure why artists and musicians merit special mention.) I second this, too! ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [June 14, 2012, 5:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842/80 "2012-06-14T17:28:14Z")
> [@even\_sven](#): > > I think it’s someone on the Dope who came up with the idea that heaven/hell is a big house full of everyone you’ve ever slept with. I think that’s a good way to approach it- would your heaven be a big house party of interesting people? An intimate gathering of close friends? Or a whole bunch of crazy people who are pissed off at you? My exes and I generally parted on good terms, but in every case, there were very good reasons why we parted. And it’s been just shy of 25 years since I was involved with any of them; I barely remember who they were then, let alone have any idea what their lives might be about now. Being in a room with them would be like standing on a subway platform: we’d all be polite enough to each other, but not have much reason to get a conversation going. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-field-guide-to-bad-boyfriends/624842.md?page=5)