# A Friend Daughter Is Sleeping Around- Do You Tell Them? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 10, 2006, 4:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-daughter-is-sleeping-around-do-you-tell-them/352102 "2006-04-10T16:29:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![MrJackboots](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c0e974/32.png) [@MrJackboots](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrJackboots)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2006, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-daughter-is-sleeping-around-do-you-tell-them/352102/21 "2006-04-10T19:16:24Z")
> [@NurseCarmen](#): > > I’d stay away from that. It may blow up in your face. > like so many penises in hers Damnit, now I have to go get another Coke. That’s the first time. Ever. I hope you’re proud of yourself. ---
**Author:** ![Logan\_5](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/fbc32d/32.png) [@Logan\_5](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Logan_5)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2006, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-daughter-is-sleeping-around-do-you-tell-them/352102/22 "2006-04-10T22:53:50Z")
I’d have to say it depends on your relationship to the parents and the child in question. I also largely believe it’s the child’s business, however as the parent, if something serious/life threatening was going on and a friend knew, I would hope they would tell me. But I mean they would have to have evidence better than a clothing style. This goes for male children too! ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2006, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-daughter-is-sleeping-around-do-you-tell-them/352102/23 "2006-04-10T22:59:37Z")
If it was the early teen child of a good friend, I would say something. Though my concern would more be that she was drinking and doing drugs. Would depend on my relationship with her parents and how much I actually knew as opposed to just rumors. ---
**Author:** ![Martini\_Enfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/martini_enfield/32/11123_2.png) [@Martini\_Enfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martini_Enfield)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2006, 11:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-daughter-is-sleeping-around-do-you-tell-them/352102/24 "2006-04-10T23:53:57Z")
> [@DocCathode](#): > > Do you have any proof that dressing in that style is a sign of sexual promiscuity? Only my own experiences as a teenager. Your results may have varied. 😃 > [@](#): > > Bratz- dolls marketed at girls from 3-15. They carry cell phones, drive flashy cars, sport bling bling, and dress like pornstars. The Bratz have their own saturday morning cartoon on Fox. And if I ever have a daughter, Bratz/My Scene/Similar dolls will be absolutely _verboten_, regardless of what her friends might think is cool. If she wants to watch the cartoons, sure, but she’ll need to realise it’s not a good idea to dress or act like that at her age. > [@](#): > > The porn star/hooker trend in girls clothing has been going on for years now. Search the average mall and you can find porn star clothes made for six year olds. I hate this trend a great deal. But wearing these clothes does not indicate sexual activity. The girls are simply following a trend, and wearing what their friends wear. If the next trend was pink bhurkas, they’d wear that. This is the other problem, the porn star clothes are in girly colors, with glitter, and girly designs. This appeals to young girls, who do not understand why mom and dad don’t want them to have the pretty outfit with the funny words (“I’m a naughty girl”) on it. Whilst wearing these clothes may not indicate sexual activity, it suggests their _availability_ for sexual activity, or at least the _appearance_ of said availability. To put it another way: If you see someone wearing a chef’s uniform, you would conclude that person is a chef. Similarly, wearing tiny skirts, knee-high boots, and “You’ve been a bad boy- go to my room!” T-shirts is likely to send a message that many parents may not want their daughter sending. The comment about the football team was meant to be hyperbole- but, having said that, I wouldn’t have put it past some of the girls I’ve known over the years. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 12:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-daughter-is-sleeping-around-do-you-tell-them/352102/25 "2006-04-11T00:10:32Z")
> [@Martini Enfield](#): > > Only my own experiences as a teenager. Were you a teenager during the current porn star clothing trend? If not, your experienes are irrelevant. > [@](#): > > And if I ever have a daughter, Bratz/My Scene/Similar dolls will be absolutely _verboten_, regardless of what her friends might think is cool. Good luck with that. I have yet to hear of parents being able to keep Bratz and Barbie out of their houses. > [@](#): > > If she wants to watch the cartoons, sure, but she’ll need to realise it’s not a good idea to dress or act like that at her age. Great plan. ‘You can watch the cartoons, which will make you want to dress like that more than ever. But, no dressing like that.’ > [@](#): > > Whilst wearing these clothes may not indicate sexual activity, it suggests their _availability_ for sexual activity, or at least the _appearance_ of said availability. To put it another way: If you see someone wearing a chef’s uniform, you would conclude that person is a chef. Not if they’re eight. I would conclude that the kids is wearing the clothing for another reason and may not even realize that it is a chef’s uniform. > [@](#): > > Similarly, wearing tiny skirts, knee-high boots, and “You’ve been a bad boy- go to my room!” T-shirts is likely to send a message that many parents may not want their daughter sending. So you admit that the only conclusion that can be drawn is that this style of clothing sends a message. That the girl may be unware of this message, and that even if she does know it does not necessarilly follow that she is sexually promiscuous or even sexually active. ---
**Author:** ![Nic2004](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/4491bb/32.png) [@Nic2004](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nic2004)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-daughter-is-sleeping-around-do-you-tell-them/352102/26 "2006-04-11T00:27:06Z")
It is not clear if the OP is a adult male but assuming so: Do NOT Have A Sex-based Conversation With an Underage Female in PRIVATE This could ruin your life FOREVER if it goes poorly. If she is upset by your comments and tells someone you “touched” her or something like that it could be disastrous. If you elect to have this conversation with the girl, have a wife or woman from a relevant organization there with you. If not, you may be notifying the Police each time you change residences. ---
**Author:** ![Revenant\_Threshold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f1d935/32.png) [@Revenant\_Threshold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revenant_Threshold)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-daughter-is-sleeping-around-do-you-tell-them/352102/27 "2006-04-11T00:31:10Z")
I’m a teenager during the current “pornstar clothing” trend (though i’m not at all sure it’s new, surely your (older dopers) parents disagreed with your clothing choices at times?). That said, I think there’s two different standards here - what girls wear normally and what they wear when they actually are looking for that kind of attention. In my experience, most girls will wear more revealing/tight clothing than they would normally do when they’re looking to attract attention. But I don’t think there’s such a strong link between the clothes they’d wear _normally_ and how promiscuous they are. ---
**Author:** ![Caffeine.addict](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f475e1/32.png) [@Caffeine.addict](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Caffeine.addict)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-daughter-is-sleeping-around-do-you-tell-them/352102/28 "2006-04-11T00:32:32Z")
This is not your problem and this is not your battle. Nothing good will come from you getting involved. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Slant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c57346/32.png) [@Mr.Slant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Slant)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-daughter-is-sleeping-around-do-you-tell-them/352102/29 "2006-04-11T01:22:59Z")
Did you say how you know? I didn’t catch it in the thread. Did you SEE her have sex with the entire football team and the cute half of the netball team? Did you see her leave a hotel room containing the entire football team and the cute half of the netball team? Did she tell you she had sex with the entire football team and the cute half of the netball team? I’m asking because I’ve seen rumors get seriously out of hand. Unless you have very good evidence, I wouldn’t be surprised if she’d actually had sex and then a nasty break-up with ONE football player and three dates with one guy on the netball team, resulting in the reputation you’ve become aware of in whatever fashion. ---
**Author:** ![Frosted\_Glass](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/frosted_glass/32/3926_2.png) [@Frosted\_Glass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frosted_Glass)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 1:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-daughter-is-sleeping-around-do-you-tell-them/352102/30 "2006-04-11T01:23:25Z")
> [@Nic2004](#): > > It is not clear if the OP is a adult male but assuming so: > Do NOT Have A Sex-based Conversation With an Underage Female in PRIVATE > This could ruin your life FOREVER if it goes poorly. This is actually pretty important and it goes for underage males as well. > [@brujo](#): > > Nothing good will come from you getting involved. The OP is not talking about some random mallrat that they walked past last weekend; they are talking about a close friend’s daughter. What is wrong with being concerned about the future and well being of a good friend’s child? ---
**Author:** ![Martini\_Enfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/martini_enfield/32/11123_2.png) [@Martini\_Enfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Martini_Enfield)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-daughter-is-sleeping-around-do-you-tell-them/352102/31 "2006-04-11T02:06:54Z")
I also want to stress, in bold letters: **THIS IS JUST A HYPOTHETICAL**. I do not know anyone with a teenage daughter, I don’t have kids of my own, I’m not looking for advice or guidance- I just thought it was an interesting topic. OK, to take some other points: I’m 24 and male - so yes, I was a teenager during the “early” years of the pornstar fashion trend (at least, as it was in NZ). Secondly, the OP isn’t about eight year olds dressing like hookers. That’s been argued about, debated, pontificated on, lost, found, subjected to public enquiry, lost (and found) again, buried in soft peat for three months, and finally recycled as firelighters- so to speak. Feel free to start a new thread on it if you like, but it’s outside the scope of my original question. And since this is all strictly hypothetical, let’s assume you’ve got concrete proof- whatever you’d consider “concrete” in this situation, since it’s not real- and it’s obvious that the behaviour isn’t safe. I would have thought it was common sense that you wouldn’t go and start telling people to lock up their daughters based on rumour and hearsay, but apparently the only thing everyone agrees on about commonsense is that there’s nothing common about it anymore. 😛 If you like, you could look at it another way: At which point should you be concerned enough about someone else’s behaviour to have a discreet word? (and before anyone answers “Never!”, ask yourself this: What about someone with a drug problem, or appalling BO, or constantly making inappropriate comments in mixed company?) ---
**Author:** ![Uvula\_Donor](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/e19adc/32.png) [@Uvula\_Donor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uvula_Donor)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-daughter-is-sleeping-around-do-you-tell-them/352102/32 "2006-04-11T02:44:16Z")
“If everybody minded their own business,” the Duchess said, “the world would go round a good deal faster than it does.” ---
**Author:** ![handsomeharry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9c0ed/32.png) [@handsomeharry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/handsomeharry)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-daughter-is-sleeping-around-do-you-tell-them/352102/33 "2006-04-11T13:21:28Z")
I just sort of scanned thru here, and I am wondering if anybody considered that the parents already know of her trollopiness. That’s generally the case that I have observed in similar circumstances. To point out the fallen lady to her parents would only add more of a burden to them. In my minority, I told a friend of mine about his mother’s drunken behavior. I’m called handsomeharry instead of wiseharry. hh ---
**Author:** ![irishgirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/8edcca/32.png) [@irishgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/irishgirl)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 2:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-daughter-is-sleeping-around-do-you-tell-them/352102/34 "2006-04-11T14:40:14Z")
As a former 16y/o who slept around- no, don’t talk to her parents. In my case, I was incredibly sensible (on the pill, always used condoms etc) and knew exactly what I was doing. I told my mum I was on the pill- she cried,asked me not to tell my dad but didn’t want to know any more, so I didn’t tell her. My parents live in a world of denial- I was dealing with everything myself, what, exactly, would telling them have accomplished? Their image of me would have been shattered, our relationship irreparably damaged, and, importantly- I was already being as responsible as possible. Anonymous letters- not cool. If you aren’t willing to admit to your opinions, don’t send them. Besides, anonymous letters look like petty maliciousness- what’s to stop the teen from saying it was just foundationless bullying by someone at school? If it were me, I’d talk to the parents in a round-a-bout way. Something like “you know all these teenage pregnancies, it’s so sad, if I had a kid that age I’d make sure they knew what was what, just like you must have done with your kids. Your kids must be at that age when some of their friends are having sex, that must be quite worrying for you, huh?” Then you leave it- you’ve probably said just enough to make the parents have a chat with their kid, without saying too much and dropping the kid in it- because, after all, that’s what you wanted, right? To let the parent know that their child needs to know some stuff, because they aren’t little kids any more. The best outcome is for the parents to have a talk with their child about sex- if the kid wants to come clean, they can, if they don’t, well at least their parents have chatted to them. ---
**Author:** ![Snickers](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/5daacb/32.png) [@Snickers](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snickers)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 3:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-daughter-is-sleeping-around-do-you-tell-them/352102/35 "2006-04-11T15:03:13Z")
Dude, I have no idea. But I have a similar story. Except in my case, the girl was a high school acquaintance - we were friendly, but we weren’t friends. We were in the same grade. The worst part? Her mom was one of the high school’s English teachers, the favorite one. I have no idea whether Mrs. K heard about her daughter’s hijinks, but the tales were widely told among my classmates, so I don’t know how she would’ve missed it. I do think it’d be worse to find out in that way, via wild rumors from a bunch of high schoolers, than from a concerned friend/parent of another teen. Having said that, I don’t think it’s your place to tell them, especially if you’re going off of wild rumors yourself. Perhaps you could have a teen that knows this girl speak with her somehow? You might find out that the whole thing is hogwash. Or you might find out that she knows exactly what she’s doing, as in **irishgirl** ’s and **don’t ask** ’s cases. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 3:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-daughter-is-sleeping-around-do-you-tell-them/352102/36 "2006-04-11T15:22:47Z")
> [@DocCathode](#): > > Do you have any proof that dressing in that style is a sign of sexual promiscuity? OTTOMH > > Bratz- dolls marketed at girls from 3-15. They carry cell phones, drive flashy cars, sport bling bling, and dress like pornstars. The Bratz have their own saturday morning cartoon on Fox. > > My Scene- Bratz rip offs. > > The Winx Club- Girls who are sorceresses and fairy princesses. They tend to wear platform shoes. Their shirts start below the collarbone, and end well above the navel. They wear short shorts and mini skirts. You can see them on Fox as well. > > The porn star/hooker trend in girls clothing has been going on for years now. Search the average mall and you can find porn star clothes made for six year olds. I hate this trend a great deal. But wearing these clothes does not indicate sexual activity. The girls are simply following a trend, and wearing what their friends wear. If the next trend was pink bhurkas, they’d wear that. This is the other problem, the porn star clothes are in girly colors, with glitter, and girly designs. This appeals to young girls, who do not understand why mom and dad don’t want them to have the pretty outfit with the funny words (“I’m a naughty girl”) on it. Don’t forget the Paris Hilton “SSW” line . . . ---
**Author:** ![Who\_me\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/958977/32.png) [@Who\_me\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Who_me_1)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 3:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-daughter-is-sleeping-around-do-you-tell-them/352102/37 "2006-04-11T15:27:34Z")
> [@Martini Enfield](#): > > **THIS IS JUST A HYPOTHETICAL**. > > And since this is all strictly hypothetical, let’s assume you’ve got concrete proof- whatever you’d consider “concrete” in this situation, since it’s not real- and it’s obvious that the behaviour isn’t safe. You won’t have concrete evidence unless you see it with your own eyes, such as her having sex with your son and his friends in your basement. In this case, I’d say it was incumbant upon you to tell all the parents of all the teenagers involved. But relying on word of mouth, even from your trustworthy children or whatever is always a bad idea, rumors start, expand and become “common knowledge” without a shred of truth sometimes. ---
**Author:** ![Mr.Slant](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c57346/32.png) [@Mr.Slant](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mr.Slant)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-daughter-is-sleeping-around-do-you-tell-them/352102/38 "2006-04-11T15:52:07Z")
> [@Martini Enfield](#): > > I also want to stress, in bold letters: > > **THIS IS JUST A HYPOTHETICAL**. I do not know anyone with a teenage daughter, I don’t have kids of my own, I’m not looking for advice or guidance- I just thought it was an interesting topic. > > SNIP > > If you like, you could look at it another way: At which point should you be concerned enough about someone else’s behaviour to have a discreet word? (and before anyone answers “Never!”, ask yourself this: What about someone with a drug problem, or appalling BO, or constantly making inappropriate comments in mixed company?) If I knew for a FACT that my best friend’s daughter was sexually active, I’d let him know. Period. I’ve never had trouble discussing anything with him. ---
**Author:** ![matt\_mcl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@matt\_mcl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/matt_mcl)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 4:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-daughter-is-sleeping-around-do-you-tell-them/352102/39 "2006-04-11T16:02:32Z")
I find it interesting that the question isn’t, “Should I tell the parents of the boys?” Not that that would be a good idea either… but I find it interesting that it’s the girl having sex that’s the crisis. ---
**Author:** ![Hostile\_Dialect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e495f1/32.png) [@Hostile\_Dialect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hostile_Dialect)\ **Post date:** [April 11, 2006, 5:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-daughter-is-sleeping-around-do-you-tell-them/352102/40 "2006-04-11T17:07:23Z")
> [@Martini Enfield](#): > > (and before anyone answers “Never!”, ask yourself this: What about someone with a drug problem, or appalling BO, or constantly making inappropriate comments in mixed company?) Never!, Never!, Never! and Never! Not my business. > [@matt\_mcl](#): > > but I find it interesting that it’s the girl having sex that’s the crisis. Isn’t it? That slut! She could get a disease, have a kid and ruin her life–unlike her male classmate who sticks his pencil in every hole he can find, right? This attitude really pisses me off, and it’s so prevalent, especially in my (college undergrad) age group. It shocks me how many guys can say with a straight face that they had sex with three women last week and call one of them a “slut” because she’s had sex with five men in her lifetime. Or when they’re looking for no-strings-attached sex, they caution one another against sleeping with “her–she’s such a whore!” Hey, fuck you, assholes, you’re more slutty than she could ever be. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-daughter-is-sleeping-around-do-you-tell-them/352102.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-daughter-is-sleeping-around-do-you-tell-them/352102.md?page=3)