# A friend disappears
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-disappears/594126
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [August 26, 2011, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-disappears/594126 "2011-08-26T02:00:39Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@Candyman74](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Candyman74)
#### Post date: [August 26, 2011, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-disappears/594126/1 "2011-08-26T02:00:39Z")
This will probably (hopefully!) amount to nothing.
A friend has vanished. He’s a mid-40s guy, single, owns an apartment. Nobody has been able to contact him for a couple of weeks - his phone is turned off, and he doesn’t answer emails.
That would be fine - hey, maybe he went away for a couple of weeks without telling anybody - but it’s very out-of-character. He did mention with a very short email a few days in advance that he wouldn’t be making it to a social engagement, with no explanation at all, but nobody thought anything of it until his\* father\* started contacting his friends trying to track him down. This is a guy who’s pretty tight with his family.
I don’t think he’s had an accident or anything - he knew to let people know he’d be missing a weekly event (but didn’t follow up and say he’d miss the following weekly event - just didn’t turn up, and hasn’t been turning up to arranged events since - admittedly only over a period of a week or two, but he always tells people). But the prior warning suggests a degree of planning, so we’re not too worried that he’s been hit by a bus or fallen off a cliff or anything. And yeah, he’s a grown man and doesn’t have to report to us on his activities.
However:
[ul]
[li]His phone has been turned off for two weeks[/li][li]His father has reported him as a missing person to the police[/li][li]His father and the police went to his apartment and used his parents’ spare key - he hadn’t been there in a couple of weeks[/li][li]This really is out of character. Some people I wouldn’t think twice about this behaviour. With this guy, it just doesn’t fit.[/li][li]A couple of unusual email print-outs in his apartment show that he reserved rooms at a couple of local hotels for 2-3 days each. We’ve been to those hotels, and they have confirmed he isn’t a current guest. They won’t backcheck records for random enquiries, but I assume the police can get them to do that. We haven’t seen these printouts - just heard about them from his dad, and obviously the police are better at this than us.[/li][li]He came by a lot of money a few years back (not enough to become some kind of millionaire playboy, but enough that he doesn’t need to work as long as he lives frugally - which is what he chose to do. Yes, that’s mildly odd, but it’s OK.) Unfortunately, it means there isn’t a job he’s not turning up for or anything which would provide some indication as to the seriousness of the situation.[/li][li]There is a vague neighbour report which says they think “maybe” they saw him leave with a “big bag” or something. So it sounds like maybe he packed clothes and stuff to go away with. But it ain’t exactly firm information.[/li][/ul]
Of course, friends are throwing round various bizarre theories - some sane, some not so likely, but nobody knows. At this point, given the prior warning, plus the prior hotel bookings, we’re not assuming the worst. But we are worried - that maybe something has happened to make him freak out in some way. Heck, maybe it’ll all turn out to be nothing, but he’d have told _someone_ what he was doing, surely?
Plus, I imagine the police aren’t treating it too seriously - he’s a grown man, after all. If a grown man wants to disappear, there’s no law against it.
I don’t even know why I’m posting this here. There’s no advice I’m seeking, particularly. I don’t imagine I can do anything that his family or the police cannot do. I’m not even really worried about his safety - it just doesn’t sound like harm has come to him. It’s just all so\* odd\*.
Maybe he’ll turn up in a couple of weeks and be surprised that everyone was so worried.
---
### Author:  [@thinkubus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinkubus)
#### Post date: [August 26, 2011, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-disappears/594126/2 "2011-08-26T02:11:10Z")
Does he have a girlfriend (or boyfriend)? Maybe he’s run off with a stranger he met or something, and having the time of his life…?
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### Author:  [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)
#### Post date: [August 26, 2011, 2:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-disappears/594126/3 "2011-08-26T02:12:28Z")
It sounds like he has decided to try out a new life style, that friends and family would disprove of.
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### Author:  [@Candyman74](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Candyman74)
#### Post date: [August 26, 2011, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-disappears/594126/4 "2011-08-26T02:18:49Z")
> [@thinkubus](#):
>
> Does he have a girlfriend (or boyfriend)?
Not that anybody is aware of.
> [@](#):
>
> Maybe he’s run off with a stranger he met or something, and having the time of his life…?
If that’s what it is, that would be great news. Good for him! But I wish he’d just let someone know he’s OK.
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### Author:  [@carnut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnut)
#### Post date: [August 26, 2011, 2:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-disappears/594126/5 "2011-08-26T02:54:58Z")
Maybe he’s gone to some sort of training camp or seminar series like learning how to write or to spend a month at an ashram or religious retreat.
But yeah, I’d be concerned too.
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### Author:  [@voltaire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/voltaire)
#### Post date: [August 26, 2011, 2:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-disappears/594126/6 "2011-08-26T02:58:18Z")
Maybe he’ll come back soon and inexplicably have a smaller, pointier nose or somehow lost the spare-tire around his gut.
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### Author:  [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)
#### Post date: [August 26, 2011, 9:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-disappears/594126/7 "2011-08-26T09:22:19Z")
Or he’ll be a she when she comes back.
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### Author:  [@pbbth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pbbth)
#### Post date: [August 26, 2011, 1:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-disappears/594126/8 "2011-08-26T13:22:00Z")
Has anyone contacted his bank and checked if his cards are being used and, if so, where? The bank may not give up that information but it couldn’t hurt for his father to give it a try.
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### Author:  [@campp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/campp)
#### Post date: [August 26, 2011, 1:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-disappears/594126/9 "2011-08-26T13:56:48Z")
Does he have a car? Is it missing also? I didn’t see that mentioned anywhere. Hard to go camping without a car.
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### Author:  [@Brown\_Eyed\_Girl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brown_Eyed_Girl)
#### Post date: [August 26, 2011, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-disappears/594126/10 "2011-08-26T14:59:48Z")
Is this the guy in D.C. who went missing in his dad’s car? I’ve seen the FB page. Weird. Nothing to add, but I hope all is well and the mystery is solved soon. I sympathize with his family and friends who are so worried over this. Worry sucks.
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### Author:  [@Candyman74](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Candyman74)
#### Post date: [August 26, 2011, 4:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-disappears/594126/11 "2011-08-26T16:04:20Z")
> [@pbbth](#):
>
> Has anyone contacted his bank and checked if his cards are being used and, if so, where? The bank may not give up that information but it couldn’t hurt for his father to give it a try.
I imagine that’s the sort of thing the police need authorisation for; the bank certainly wouldn’t hand over the information to friends or family without some largish legal hoops being gone through. I’m pretty sure that’s the police’s domain.
> [@](#):
>
> Does he have a car? Is it missing also?
He does not. He frequently borrows his parents’ car for a week or so at a time, but he hasn’t borrowed it recently.
> [@](#):
>
> Is this the guy in D.C. who went missing in his dad’s car? I’ve seen the FB page. Weird. Nothing to add,
Nope, that’s not him. Someone else.
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### Author:  [@chappachula](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chappachula)
#### Post date: [August 26, 2011, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-disappears/594126/12 "2011-08-26T17:49:20Z")
Is there a computer in his now-abandoned apartment?
Try to check browser history, temp files, cookies, etc.
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### Author:  [@Candyman74](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Candyman74)
#### Post date: [August 26, 2011, 7:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-disappears/594126/13 "2011-08-26T19:09:16Z")
> [@chappachula](#):
>
> Is there a computer in his now-abandoned apartment?
> Try to check browser history, temp files, cookies, etc.
Again, stuff for the police; I don’t have access to his place. Hopefully that’s S.O.P. for them. I imagine it’s part of the standard “talk to the neighbours, check recent mail, check bank account” sort of stuff they do when tracing a missing person.
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### Author:  [@Feyrat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Feyrat)
#### Post date: [August 26, 2011, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-disappears/594126/14 "2011-08-26T20:00:42Z")
I’m fascinated by this. I hope your friend turns up soon and safe - but if any of my friends did this, I guess I’d presume suicide. I mean, it’s so very very strange. I’d be going crazy worrying.
Then again, I have a very small, very close circle of friends, so maybe my reaction would be out of proportion for you?
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### Author:  [@AndyLee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AndyLee)
#### Post date: [August 26, 2011, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-disappears/594126/15 "2011-08-26T20:10:32Z")
I would say the cops won’t really care as the OP said, he’s a grown up and left so he’s not really missing. The thing is he could have had a heart attack and be in a hospital or worse case, in the morgue. If he had no ID on him,
I found some stats from the US Government
About 850,000 people go missing every year. Only about 48,000 are over 18. Almost all the rest are children that are found, to be taken by relatives or simple mix ups.
So that shows 132 adults (18+) go missing every day.
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### Author:  [@Simplicio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Simplicio)
#### Post date: [August 26, 2011, 8:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-disappears/594126/16 "2011-08-26T20:21:44Z")
> [@Feyrat](#):
>
> I’m fascinated by this. I hope your friend turns up soon and safe - but if any of my friends did this, I guess I’d presume suicide. I mean, it’s so very very strange. I’d be going crazy worrying.
Kinda weird to book a bunch of hotel rooms and pack a bag if your going to off yourself. I’m guessing either midlife crisis walkabout or hes’ run up gambling debts or something similar and decided he needed to get off the map for a while. Kinda dick to no at least drop his family a note, since they’re apparently close.
I’d get his dad to go back in his apartment and see if his bank password is still in the computer so you can see if he’s using his credit card.
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### Author:  [@voltaire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/voltaire)
#### Post date: [August 26, 2011, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-disappears/594126/17 "2011-08-26T20:42:30Z")
Other than my total WAG at plastic surgery/liposuction, is there any chance he might have some sort of addiction that would have prompted him to go to a rehab?
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### Author:  [@Candyman74](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Candyman74)
#### Post date: [August 26, 2011, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-disappears/594126/18 "2011-08-26T20:45:21Z")
> [@voltaire](#):
>
> Other than my total WAG at plastic surgery/liposuction, is there any chance he might have some sort of addiction that would have prompted him to go to a rehab?
If he has, he hid it well.
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### Author:  [@Candyman74](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Candyman74)
#### Post date: [August 26, 2011, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-disappears/594126/19 "2011-08-26T20:48:28Z")
> [@AndyLee](#):
>
> I would say the cops won’t really care as the OP said, he’s a grown up and left so he’s not really missing. The thing is he could have had a heart attack and be in a hospital or worse case, in the morgue. If he had no ID on him,
>
> I found some stats from the US Government
>
> About 850,000 people go missing every year. Only about 48,000 are over 18. Almost all the rest are children that are found, to be taken by relatives or simple mix ups.
>
> So that shows 132 adults (18+) go missing every day.
Yeah, that’s the problem. A grown man has the right to disappear without telling people. The fact that it’s so out of character is what’s worrying us.
I wonder if there are standard requirements for the police to consider it worrying? There’s no evidence of foul play or anything. I imagine their position is “he’s a grown man, he can do what he wants”.
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### Author:  [@Zebra](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zebra)
#### Post date: [August 27, 2011, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-disappears/594126/20 "2011-08-27T16:00:32Z")
Are you sure he still has money?
He may have gotten into gambling, lost a great deal of money and is now hiding from people he owes.
His dad should be able, and I would think willing, to let you into the apt to check the computer history.
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