# A friend may be getting himself into something he may not like **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 20, 2012, 6:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-may-be-getting-himself-into-something-he-may-not-like/641591 "2012-11-20T06:41:37Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2012, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-may-be-getting-himself-into-something-he-may-not-like/641591/41 "2012-11-20T17:08:11Z")
Not all rapes are violent, and like any crime people react with various levels of trauma. It is _extremely_ common for women to choose not to report rapes, and the majority of rapes are not legally followed up on. Why? Sometimes the victim would like nothing more than to forget about it and move on. Sometimes the victim is socially embedded with the rapist, and feels that the trauma of disrupting and potentially becoming an outcast in their family, church, school, community, or peer group would outweigh the relatively small chance that the rapist would be punished. Sometimes it comes down to a “he said she said” scenario, and the victim feels there is not enough evidence to hope for a conviction. Sometimes the victim feels like it was an ambiguous situation and may not have really been a rape (and this happens even in the proverbial stranger-jumps-out-of-the-bushes rape…our minds are weird things.) What happened in this woman’s situation? I have no idea. Maybe she was raped and chose to have the baby, and the OP’s friend loves the woman and is looking forward to being a father. Plenty of men do dream of raising children, and are open to raising adopted children. Maybe she’s a lying snake looking to game him. It is true that in many states, once you begin raising a child as your own, you develop a legal obligation to continue that. Nobody gets to choose to be a father for a while, and then choose not to as it suits their whims. Either you are dad or you are not. Maybe it’s a bit of both, and she slipped up and got pregnant by someone else, and the couple is deciding to move past that and start their family despite the inauspicious start, and they will go on to have a happy life and bring their baby some new brothers and sisters. Anyway, I just don’t think we have enough information. ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2012, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-may-be-getting-himself-into-something-he-may-not-like/641591/42 "2012-11-20T17:12:57Z")
**Angelsoft** , that is good to know about the children. I do agree that deciding to emigrate isn’t something to be taken lightly, and we have to assume the OP’s friend knows more about the situation than we do. ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2012, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-may-be-getting-himself-into-something-he-may-not-like/641591/43 "2012-11-20T17:20:23Z")
> [@smaje1](#): > > Can I ask why your friend took a paternity test at all? I mean, if the woman said she had been raped (and presumably, not raped by your friend), why in the world would he feel the need to take a paternity test? Perhaps he had sex with her during a short time period before/after the rape, leaving the paternity in question. I have heard of cases where women are trying to get pregnant by their husband, but are raped, become pregnant, and have to decide what to do regarding the resulting pregnancy when they don’t know who the father is yet. ---
**Author:** ![Sparky\_the\_Wonder\_Spirit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/848f3c/32.png) [@Sparky\_the\_Wonder\_Spirit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sparky_the_Wonder_Spirit)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2012, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-may-be-getting-himself-into-something-he-may-not-like/641591/44 "2012-11-20T17:23:34Z")
> [@Tom\_Tildrum](#): > > Ultimately, the question seems to be: Why are you suspicious? Is there something specific that this woman has done that makes you not trust her veracity and motives? Does your friend have a history of being taken advantage of in relationships, or little relationship experience at all? Yeah, why are you immediately assuming the woman is a liar? Women get raped. A lot of the time, reporting the crime isn’t seen as worth it, since pursuing charges often results in the victim being treated as a gold-digging slut and no one ever getting convicted. ---
**Author:** ![Taomist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/53a042/32.png) [@Taomist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Taomist)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2012, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-may-be-getting-himself-into-something-he-may-not-like/641591/45 "2012-11-20T17:29:56Z")
For what it’s worth, my brother married his girlfriend right out of high school, and she was already pregnant by someone else. The paternity isn’t always an issue for guys, regardless of how it happened. Of course that was 20+ years ago, and now they have 4 kids; I actually have no idea whether the oldest even knows he’s not my brother’s biological kid. No one has ever thought twice about it in the family, I can tell you that. It probably helps that he looks and acts just like the other 3, but still. Bio is only the beginning, it’s certainly not the end. ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2012, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-may-be-getting-himself-into-something-he-may-not-like/641591/46 "2012-11-20T17:33:03Z")
> [@MsWhatsit](#): > > As to your other point, I’m unclear about the relevance of the point you’re trying to make. Does a rape not count if it was perpetrated by someone you know or are in a relationship with? I was quite clear that I wasn’t discounting the legitimacy of the rape. I asked because of how it might relate to this story. You used the stats to say that this happening to this girl isn’t as unlikely as it might seem and I’m saying that perhaps it is. More clearly stated - If 30,000 women become pregnant from rape each year, but 29,500 of those women are raped by someone they’re in a relationship with (STILL RAPE), it’s much more unlikely that the woman in the OP was part of the latter group. That’s all I’m trying to discern. So is there a difference in the type of rape it is? No. Rape is rape and that’s not my point. This is about this specific story and how it relates to the statistics. ---
**Author:** ![you\_with\_the\_face](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/ecccb3/32.png) [@you\_with\_the\_face](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/you_with_the_face)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2012, 5:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-may-be-getting-himself-into-something-he-may-not-like/641591/47 "2012-11-20T17:38:54Z")
> [@Bob Ducca](#): > > I was quite clear that I wasn’t discounting the legitimacy of the rape. More clearly stated - If 30,000 women become pregnant from rape each year, but 29,500 of those women are raped by someone they’re in a relationship with (STILL RAPE), it’s much more unlikely that the woman in the OP was part of the latter group. That’s all I’m trying to discern. You know the OP doesn’t preclude the possibility that this was an acquaintace rape, right? The gf could have been raped by a stranger or she could have been raped by a friend or an ex-boyfriend. In other words, you don’t have enough information to say what kind of rape this was. So even if what you say is true about that cite, you can’t say whether the gf fits the most likely or unlikely scenario. ---
**Author:** ![GrandWino](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grandwino/32/67_2.png) [@GrandWino](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GrandWino)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2012, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-may-be-getting-himself-into-something-he-may-not-like/641591/48 "2012-11-20T17:41:20Z")
> [@you\_with\_the\_face](#): > > In other words, you don’t have enough information to say what kind of rape this was. So even if what you say is true about that cite, you can’t say whether the gf fits the most likely or unlikely scenario. That’s pretty much my point. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2012, 5:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-may-be-getting-himself-into-something-he-may-not-like/641591/49 "2012-11-20T17:41:37Z")
> [@Bob Ducca](#): > > I was quite clear that I wasn’t discounting the legitimacy of the rape. > > I asked because of how it might relate to this story. You used the stats to say that this happening to this girl isn’t as unlikely as it might seem and I’m saying that perhaps it is. > > More clearly stated - If 30,000 women become pregnant from rape each year, but 29,500 of those women are raped by someone they’re in a relationship with (STILL RAPE), it’s much more unlikely that the woman in the OP was part of the latter group. That’s all I’m trying to discern. > > So is there a difference in the type of rape it is? No. Rape is rape and that’s not my point. This is about this specific story and how it relates to the statistics. Sure, OK. I am aware, incidentally, that you said this wasn’t a “legitimate rape” thing, but a lot of people say they’re not saying something right before they go on to say that exact thing. Thanks for clarifying. Anyway, someone asked for stats and I provided them. Yes, as of 1996 when this study was done, about 30,000 women per year got pregnant from rape. It is reasonable to assume, in the absence of further data, that the number of women getting pregnant from rape per year today is still large. If you want to quibble with those numbers or break them down further, feel free. ---
**Author:** ![mascaroni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/dc4da7/32.png) [@mascaroni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mascaroni)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2012, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-may-be-getting-himself-into-something-he-may-not-like/641591/50 "2012-11-20T17:57:40Z")
“If she’s bad he can’t see it She can do no wrong Turn his back on his best friend If he put her down”. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2012, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-may-be-getting-himself-into-something-he-may-not-like/641591/51 "2012-11-20T18:45:39Z")
> [@Bob Ducca](#): > > More clearly stated - If 30,000 women become pregnant from rape each year, but 29,500 of those women are raped by someone they’re in a relationship with (STILL RAPE), it’s much more unlikely that the woman in the OP was part of the latter group. That’s all I’m trying to discern. Admittedly, I hadn’t considered the possiblity that the OP’s friend was the rapist, but I guess it’s not out of the question, given our limited information. ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2012, 6:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-may-be-getting-himself-into-something-he-may-not-like/641591/52 "2012-11-20T18:57:23Z")
First of all, folks, thanks. You’ve raised some points that I hadn’t thought of; a number of which are helping me to understand the situation better. I’ll address a few things that arose: > [@Bridget\_Burke](#): > > But it would be OK if she was a Canadian golddiger? > [@MsWhatsit](#): > > My question as well. No, it wouldn’t. If the girl was in, say, Montreal or Vancouver (or for that matter, Corner Brook, Newfoundland), I’d be just as concerned. > [@Mona\_Lisa\_Simpson](#): > > On a more serious note, this doesn’t really pass the sniff test does it? Again, knowing more about how long they have known each other, was there a plan in place to be together before the alleged “forcing”, can he legally work in the US, all kinds of considerations. I guess this is where my concern stems from. There were plans in place for him to move down and eventually get married to the girl, but they were always these “sometime in the future” plans; nothing definite. Now, suddenly, she gets pregnant; and just as suddenly, Buddy has to move down and get married. It just seems to me to have happened too quickly. If they had been planning since (say) last August for all this to happen in, say, September of 2013, that would be one thing; but he got the news in October and is planning to be there shortly after New Year’s. He is getting the required American paperwork together as quickly as he can, and that seems to be going smoothly, if a little slowly, as might be expected. ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2012, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-may-be-getting-himself-into-something-he-may-not-like/641591/53 "2012-11-20T19:00:44Z")
> [@Tom\_Tildrum](#): > > Admittedly, I hadn’t considered the possiblity that the OP’s friend was the rapist, but I guess it’s not out of the question, given our limited information. No, that’s an impossibility. He does go down to to visit from time to time, and she certainly has been up here; but they weren’t together at or around the time of conception. ---
**Author:** ![Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/4bbf92/32.png) [@Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heart_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2012, 7:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-may-be-getting-himself-into-something-he-may-not-like/641591/54 "2012-11-20T19:19:00Z")
> [@Spoons](#): > > It just seems to me to have happened too quickly. If they had been planning since (say) last August for all this to happen in, say, September of 2013, that would be one thing; but he got the news in October and is planning to be there shortly after New Year’s. Wait a minute. What “news” did he get, exactly? That she had just had a baby? Did he not know she was pregnant until after she gave birth? ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2012, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-may-be-getting-himself-into-something-he-may-not-like/641591/55 "2012-11-20T19:20:20Z")
> [@Sodalite](#): > > With that out of the way, there are a couple of important questions I don’t see answered here. How long have they been a couple? If this is some woman he barely knows then I have to agree that this is odd and suspicious. If they’ve known each other for a long time, have a solid relationship and trust each other that’s completely different. Has this always been a long distance relationship? Does she have a history of lying to him or cheating on him? Does she regularly ask him for gifts or money? Did marriage come up before or after he found out she was pregnant? They’ve been a couple for maybe two or three years. It has always been a long-distance relationship; they met while he was in the US for a couple of months on business, and ever since then, the relationship has existed through phone calls, texts, and the occasional visit (maybe every six months or so, never for more than a week). Marriage was planned, as was his moving to the US, but these events were always going to happen at some unspecified point in the far future. I don’t know about gifts, or cheating on him, but the latter is where one of my biggest worries lies. I have considered that she cheated on him, and concocted a story as to how she got pregnant. I’m not saying this happened, but it is a possibility. ---
**Author:** ![Spoons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spoons/32/3141_2.png) [@Spoons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spoons)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2012, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-may-be-getting-himself-into-something-he-may-not-like/641591/56 "2012-11-20T19:23:31Z")
> [@Heart\_of\_Dorkness](#): > > Wait a minute. What “news” did he get, exactly? That she had just had a baby? Did he not know she was pregnant until after she gave birth? He found out that she was pregnant in October. She gave birth a couple of weeks ago, in early November. ---
**Author:** ![Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/4bbf92/32.png) [@Heart\_of\_Dorkness](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Heart_of_Dorkness)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2012, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-may-be-getting-himself-into-something-he-may-not-like/641591/57 "2012-11-20T19:28:23Z")
Ooookay, then! I didn’t see anything necessarily wrong with the situation so far, but _that_ is seriously sketchy. I can totally understand someone getting raped and deciding to keep the baby, but not even telling your boyfriend until a month before you’re due? Messed up. ---
**Author:** ![MsWhatsit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/eb8c5e/32.png) [@MsWhatsit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MsWhatsit)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2012, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-may-be-getting-himself-into-something-he-may-not-like/641591/58 "2012-11-20T19:32:53Z")
> [@Spoons](#): > > He found out that she was pregnant in October. She gave birth a couple of weeks ago, in early November. Nothing you’ve posted seemed like a major red flag until this. They’re in a long-term committed relationship, they’re planning to get married, and she concealed a pregnancy from him for this long? (Or is it that she herself didn’t realize that she was pregnant until that point, which is something that can happen?) Apart from that: Your main concern seems to be that your friend, who has been planning for some time to move to the US and get married, is now moving to the US and getting married. I would find this entire situation more alarming if they hadn’t planned to get married before the baby came, or if they’d just met each other a month ago or something. And I’m still not sure what you meant by your comments about American girls in your OP. ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2012, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-may-be-getting-himself-into-something-he-may-not-like/641591/59 "2012-11-20T19:52:57Z")
Any deception of that magnitude prior to something as important as marriage would be immediate cause to end the relationship. He is asking for trouble. ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [November 20, 2012, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-may-be-getting-himself-into-something-he-may-not-like/641591/60 "2012-11-20T20:11:33Z")
> [@Spoons](#): > > Problem: She claims that “someone forced himself upon her” earlier this year, and as a result, she recently gave birth to a baby. As far as I can determine, it was a rape. But the woman did not report this sexual assault to the authorities. > [@Spoons](#): > > He found out that she was pregnant in October. She gave birth a couple of weeks ago, in early November. A rape is a rape. She chose not to report it, so she has reasons to not consider it a rape as per her description. By calling it “someone forced himself upon her” I would have to assume not a rape, but cheating/consensual. Not saying that that aren’t millions of cases where rapes legitimately occur by acquaintances, but the way it’s worded and her subsequent behavior - not reporting it, not informing her FIANCE of the rape, not informing him of the pregnancy - I can’t buy her story. BTW, I was going to answer this way even BEFORE reading of her not informing him until 8 months pregnant. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-may-be-getting-himself-into-something-he-may-not-like/641591.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-may-be-getting-himself-into-something-he-may-not-like/641591.md?page=4)