# A friend of mine would like to know why he shouldn't commit suicide **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [September 6, 2014, 10:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-of-mine-would-like-to-know-why-he-shouldnt-commit-suicide/697701 "2014-09-06T22:08:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![don\_t\_ask](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e68b1a/32.png) [@don\_t\_ask](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/don_t_ask)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2014, 6:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-of-mine-would-like-to-know-why-he-shouldnt-commit-suicide/697701/81 "2014-09-08T06:52:30Z")
Tell him the trailers for _Gone Girl_ look pretty good. He should at least hang around until it’s released. ---
**Author:** ![lorene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/65b543/32.png) [@lorene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lorene)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2014, 12:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-of-mine-would-like-to-know-why-he-shouldnt-commit-suicide/697701/82 "2014-09-08T12:12:32Z")
> [@Clothilde](#): > > Why Frank’s Friend Should Not Commit Suicide: > > 1. Because there are so many things to do that he hasn’t done yet. Like enter a hot-dog-eating contest. Or shear a sheep. Or deliver a baby in a cab during a hurricane/earthquake/emergency. Or streak at the 4th of July fireworks. Or teach an adult to read. Or travel to Mexico and drink a glass of water on a dare. Or take a hot air balloon up and pee over the side of the basket onto his mother in law’s roof (I posted that in another thread about someone whose friend has cancer.) > > 2. Because there are so many things he hasn’t given to the world yet. Like his best, most raunchiest dirty jokes. Or his secret to always grilling the hamburgers til they’re well done but still juicy and delicious. Or his idea for an app for my phone that would prevent my cheek from hanging up on someone when I smile (seriously!) > > 3. Because he has SO MUCH that would be a serious bummer to lose. Like his most awesome friend Frank, who really cares about him. He’s truly a lucky son of a gun. Most people don’t have a friend like Frank. And if Frank cares about him, then hopefully that’s reason enough for him to care about himself today. > > 4. Because if he can decide to put the gun/knife/rope/belt/pills/etc. down today, just for today, knowing full well that he can pick it up again TOMORROW whenever he wants to, knowing that he is the one in control, the one with all the power to decide, perhaps that takes some of the pressure off and also takes away some of the fear and resentment of others possibly taking away his power and control. He can decide to pick it up tomorrow. And he can decide to put it down today. > > Are those the type of reasons you were looking for, Frank? I don’t know if those are the type of reasons **Frank** is looking for but goddamn, that was a beautiful post. Next time I’m feeling really low I am going to reread this. ---
**Author:** ![Fear\_Itself](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fear_itself/32/19637_2.png) [@Fear\_Itself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fear_Itself)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2014, 12:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-of-mine-would-like-to-know-why-he-shouldnt-commit-suicide/697701/83 "2014-09-08T12:40:56Z")
> [@PastTense](#): > > Psychological pain can be fixed by tranquilizers and other drugs. Can I just say how tiresome this claptrap is to someone who has battled depression for 30 years? You really shouldn’t post about things you know nothing about. ---
**Author:** ![Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba9def/32.png) [@Just\_Asking\_Questions](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Just_Asking_Questions)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2014, 2:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-of-mine-would-like-to-know-why-he-shouldnt-commit-suicide/697701/84 "2014-09-08T14:54:08Z")
> [@don\_t\_ask](#): > > Tell him the trailers for _Gone Girl_ look pretty good. He should at least hang around until it’s released. yea, and then he’ll kill himself afterwards. 🙂 Man, I hated that book. Maybe they’ll fix the ending (or give it one). What it needs is that she dies, like the Entertainment Weekly cover implied. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2014, 3:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-of-mine-would-like-to-know-why-he-shouldnt-commit-suicide/697701/85 "2014-09-08T15:19:53Z")
> [@Napier](#): > > When I heard this it was pretty hard for me, as my father was a suicide when I was 12, and he was my hero. I take from this that suicide is a huge huge event, and that when people make that choice, if they get the chance to look back on it for a few seconds they wish they could change it. Postponing suicide leaves all the options open, but the moment it’s done, all the other options vanish. I’m really sorry to hear that, but I do want you to know that each time I read about someone who lost a parent it gives me a little more resolve to not add to my children’s future issues. That’s stopped me a could of times. ---
**Author:** ![phouka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/c5a1d2/32.png) [@phouka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/phouka)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2014, 4:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-of-mine-would-like-to-know-why-he-shouldnt-commit-suicide/697701/86 "2014-09-08T16:00:53Z")
**Frank** , I didn’t see an answer to your original question: how do you talk to a doctor about your suicidal ideation without being committed. When I have discussed my own issues with my doctor and mention my depression and times when I’ve had suicidal ideation, I make sure to stress that it just isn’t going to happen because my mom needs me. Whatever lies my depression may tell me, I know she needs me and that my death would just about destroy her. So, no death for me. Hearing that has caused my doctors to unclench and let go of the idea that it’s time to sock me away in a padded room. They need to know that whatever ideation is occurring, there’s something to prevent your friend from actually taking action. ---
**Author:** ![YogSothoth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/8edcca/32.png) [@YogSothoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YogSothoth)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2014, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-of-mine-would-like-to-know-why-he-shouldnt-commit-suicide/697701/87 "2014-09-08T17:12:59Z")
Serious answer: If he wants to talk without the possibility of being locked up, why not an anonymous message board? ---
**Author:** ![LurkerInNJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ed655f/32.png) [@LurkerInNJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkerInNJ)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2014, 5:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-of-mine-would-like-to-know-why-he-shouldnt-commit-suicide/697701/88 "2014-09-08T17:37:15Z")
Why does Frank want to kill himself? Are they things that can be fixed (job loss, debt, etc.)? Or or things that cannot (ALS, etc.)? In speaking with a professional, he has to be careful to not detail a plan of how he would kill himself, especially if the question is couched as a hypothetical “Well if you were going to kill yourself, how would you do it?”. That will get him placed on an involuntary hold. I can understand him not wanting to be held against his will when he is already feeling trapped and up against the wall. Does he have anything to live for? Telling him that he will make a mess for other people to clean up will make him feel shittier than he already does. What or who does he have in his life? What or who could he have in his life? Maybe he doesn’t have a clue on how to get started in on turning things around internally for himself. That’s where a therapist comes in. I think your best bet is finding a therapist that can work with him. A hotline can work as a band-aid for now, but people don’t get over suicide ideations so quickly. If they are so full of despair right now, they will still be full of despair three weeks from now. Maybe not in immediate crisis, but still desperately unhappy. He really doesn’t need to live like that. ---
**Author:** ![Fear\_Itself](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fear_itself/32/19637_2.png) [@Fear\_Itself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fear_Itself)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2014, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-of-mine-would-like-to-know-why-he-shouldnt-commit-suicide/697701/89 "2014-09-08T19:12:25Z")
> [@LurkerInNJ](#): > > Why does Frank want to kill himself? Are they things that can be fixed (job loss, debt, etc.)? Or or things that cannot (ALS, etc.)? Or maybe he is clinically depressed, which requires no negative life event to justify it. People who are not depressed seem to think there just has to be a reason someone wants to kill themselves, something besides just feeling worthless and hopeless. Until you understand depression that is not caused by life events, you really have no hope of helping someone who suffers that way. ---
**Author:** ![LurkerInNJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ed655f/32.png) [@LurkerInNJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkerInNJ)\ **Post date:** [September 8, 2014, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-of-mine-would-like-to-know-why-he-shouldnt-commit-suicide/697701/90 "2014-09-08T20:48:20Z")
> [@Fear\_Itself](#): > > Or maybe he is clinically depressed, which requires no negative life event to justify it. People who are not depressed seem to think there just has to be a reason someone wants to kill themselves, something besides just feeling worthless and hopeless. Until you understand depression that is not caused by life events, you really have no hope of helping someone who suffers that way. Well, maybe I was giving Frank too much credit. I was thinking he would be able to say “I’m depressed” if that would sum it up, but someone had to come along and sing the nobody knows the troubles I’ve seen because I’m special and no one else could possibly understand even though I don’t know anything about them song, right? ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2014, 12:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-of-mine-would-like-to-know-why-he-shouldnt-commit-suicide/697701/91 "2014-09-09T00:32:03Z")
> [@LurkerInNJ](#): > > Well, maybe I was giving Frank too much credit. I was thinking he would be able to say “I’m depressed” if that would sum it up, but someone had to come along and sing the nobody knows the troubles I’ve seen because I’m special and no one else could possibly understand even though I don’t know anything about them song, right? Would, “Because I fucking hate myself more than you could ever begin to imagine” be an acceptable answer to you? Do you want him to say something like that? Are you looking for him to spill his inner most demons out to the strangers here? ---
**Author:** ![Napier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ce73a5/32.png) [@Napier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Napier)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2014, 1:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-of-mine-would-like-to-know-why-he-shouldnt-commit-suicide/697701/92 "2014-09-09T01:28:16Z")
Frank, you’re reading along, right? How is everything going? What’s the thinking lately? ---
**Author:** ![Clothilde](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/439d5e/32.png) [@Clothilde](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothilde)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2014, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-of-mine-would-like-to-know-why-he-shouldnt-commit-suicide/697701/93 "2014-09-09T03:01:52Z")
> [@lorene](#): > > I don’t know if those are the type of reasons **Frank** is looking for but goddamn, that was a beautiful post. Next time I’m feeling really low I am going to reread this. Thank you so much, **lorene.** ---
**Author:** ![Acsenray](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/acsenray/32/4519_2.png) [@Acsenray](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Acsenray)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2014, 3:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-of-mine-would-like-to-know-why-he-shouldnt-commit-suicide/697701/94 "2014-09-09T03:37:55Z")
> [@PastTense](#): > > I can certainly understand it if he is terminally ill and in substantial physical pain–but not otherwise. > > As to why not there is a good chance these feelings won’t last forever–and if he kills himself he will never be able to enjoy life. I hope you never say this to a suicidal person. It’s terribly clueless and unhelpful. ---
**Author:** ![Merneith](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/57b2e6/32.png) [@Merneith](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Merneith)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2014, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-of-mine-would-like-to-know-why-he-shouldnt-commit-suicide/697701/95 "2014-09-09T05:24:44Z")
The national suicide prevention hotline phone number - 1-800-273-8255 You can call it yourself, too, Frank. They might help you know what to say when to your friend. ---
**Author:** ![Frank](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/3d9bf3/32.png) [@Frank](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Frank)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2014, 10:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-of-mine-would-like-to-know-why-he-shouldnt-commit-suicide/697701/96 "2014-09-09T10:04:52Z")
> [@Napier](#): > > Frank, you’re reading along, right? How is everything going? What’s the thinking lately? I am reading along. The crisis is passed; the issue remains. ---
**Author:** ![Napier](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/ce73a5/32.png) [@Napier](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Napier)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2014, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-of-mine-would-like-to-know-why-he-shouldnt-commit-suicide/697701/97 "2014-09-09T12:57:24Z")
I’m really glad to hear that we aren’t in immediate crisis. What do you think would be most useful to work on, in the remaining issue? Specifically how to get help without triggering some draconian authority response? Or are there specific content issues to work on that are causing pain? Is getting connected likely the best thing to focus on? What do you think? ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2014, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-of-mine-would-like-to-know-why-he-shouldnt-commit-suicide/697701/98 "2014-09-09T14:50:41Z")
I’m glad to hear. The pain can be so intense at times. I remember cutting myself just before I walked into a therapist, because he just wasn’t getting me. Not the most rational thing to do, but it was “Look! I really do hurt! This cut feels so much less.” Are there particular messages which resonate with you and your friend? We care. ---
**Author:** ![Blaster\_Master](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/cab0a1/32.png) [@Blaster\_Master](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blaster_Master)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2014, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-of-mine-would-like-to-know-why-he-shouldnt-commit-suicide/697701/99 "2014-09-09T17:27:37Z")
> [@PastTense](#): > > Why does he feel like committing suicide? I can certainly understand it if he is terminally ill and in substantial physical pain–but not otherwise. Most of what needs to be said I think has, but this is something I think needs to be touched on, especially since it was in the first response. But this is one of those sorts of things that I think, with no malice intended, can make matters worse. While I’ve never seriously contemplated suicide, I’ve been in some pretty damned dark places where it certainly felt insurmountable and endless. One of the things that helped me out of those situations is knowing at some level that I’m not alone, others are or have been where I was. And some of what made it that much more difficult were things people said that made it clear that just didn’t get it, or even straight up expressing that they don’t see what the big deal is. Seriously, it’s a good thing that you don’t understand, I mean that sincerely. And at the same time you express that you understand why someone might for terminal illness or pain. And I’ve been in a few situations where I’ve had unbearable physical pain for extended periods, but even in those moments, the idea of suicide didn’t cross my mind. Frankly, I can’t imagine an amount of physical pain that would make me consider that, but that’s probably just because, even as intense as those times were, there’s something far worse if it would drive someone to consider it. Either way, I think my point is that emotional pain is every bit as real. And just as those moments of intense physical pain are such that one’s whole existence can just become experiencing that pain. Even if one can have a few other thoughts, they’re fleeting before the thought of that pain returns. And even if the pain only lasts a few days or weeks, the experience seems subjectively so much longer. But now imagine that sort of crushing depression, where all one can really seem to do is be stuck just experiencing that. And even if it only lasts in that intensity for days or weeks, it’s difficult to see beyond in. And even still if one can intellectually know that it will get easier again, one also knows that it’s a virtual certainty that it will come back, possibly even worse. Others don’t need to understand; hell, most probably can’t. But I think it’s important to be careful about how one expresses that, because I could see seeing that sort of response while in that sort of state as invalidating or dismissive and that may only make things worse. ---
**Author:** ![hotflungwok](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/edb3f5/32.png) [@hotflungwok](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hotflungwok)\ **Post date:** [September 9, 2014, 5:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-of-mine-would-like-to-know-why-he-shouldnt-commit-suicide/697701/100 "2014-09-09T17:44:07Z")
> [@Blaster\_Master](#): > > And I’ve been in a few situations where I’ve had unbearable physical pain for extended periods, but even in those moments, the idea of suicide didn’t cross my mind. Frankly, I can’t imagine an amount of physical pain that would make me consider that, but that’s probably just because, even as intense as those times were, there’s something far worse if it would drive someone to consider it. It isn’t necessarily the intensity, but the fact that it never goes away. I have club feet, lots of surgery, and I have severe nerve damage in both of my feet as a result. It hurts all the time. Anything that puts pressure on it makes it hurt more. Every single step _hurts_. It doesn’t always hurt a lot, but it hurts _always_, from the second I wake up to the moment I fall asleep. Painkillers can only do so much before the incapacitate me. Knowing that getting up and going to the bathroom is going to mean pain, that just getting out of bed in the morning is going to hurt, it grinds you down. It’s never going to go away, there’s nothing you can do about it, it’s going to hurt today, and tomorrow, and for the rest of your life. When I look to the future it doesn’t matter what else I see there, I also see a lot of pain. It’s the helplessness, the inevitability, the unfairness that gets you. Some days it’s really hard to get out of bed. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-of-mine-would-like-to-know-why-he-shouldnt-commit-suicide/697701.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-friend-of-mine-would-like-to-know-why-he-shouldnt-commit-suicide/697701.md?page=6)