I’m going to totally steal one from a pal (and probably have already posted it elsewhere): He went into Wendy’s when they had a salad bar and saw the employee refilling the nacho chips container.
“You must be very important.” “Why?” “You’re the one they turn to when the chips are down.”
P.S. Speaking of rewording, it’s “its”.
This one is actually true as well:
There is a company near Holland, MI that was called “Prince Corp.” A few years back it got bought out and the name was changed to “Johnson Controls”, but everyone called it, “The Company formerly known as ‘Prince’”.
Was just going to post that.
Sorry for being a Grammar Nazi, but misplaced commas and apostrophes drive me insane, and you wouldn’t want to be the one responsible for another gorilla/police car incident, would you?
Roy was very proud of his new wing-tips. He proudly showed them off to his neighbor as he buffed them and shined them up. He decided to leave them out on the back porch for the evening to air them out. As Roy was was talking with his neighbor, a mountian lion ran across the back yard snatched the footwear and before either Roy or his neighbor could do anything, the mountain lion had mangled the wing-tips horribly and made its escape into the woods.
Roy was pissed. He grabbed his rifle and stalked off to find the confounded beast.
Hours later, a scratched and bloddied Roy came trudging out of the woods with a dead mountain lion slung over his shoulders.
His neighbor saw him return and inquired of him, “Pardon me Roy, is that the cat that chewed your new shoes?”
Jack Batty and TreacherousCretin- I don’t get those. Give me a hint?
**Jack Betty **is referencing a Glenn Miller song.
It reminds me of the time we were sitting around in our favorite bar in Taiwan discussing an upcoming seminar on traditional Chinese cooking. This very orthodox Jewish engineer starts bemoaning the fact that a lot of Chinese cuisine is all centered around pork and he felt like he was missing out. I explained to him that there is a bird in mainland China famous for attempting to nest in people’s hair and so it was often referred to by a word in Chinese that roughly translated to noogie. I had heard that the Noogie-Bird tasted a lot like pork and could be substituted for same in many Chinese delicacies.
Well, that piqued his interest, and the next day I happened to be standing in the hallway at the hotel where the seminar was being held. This engineer spotted me standing outside the conference room and so he came over and said, “Pardon me, goy, is this the chat on noogie mu shu?”
**TreacherousCretin **is talking about a substance that may or may not be edible. Like particle board.
For future tellings, I’d change Mei to Mai, so it’d be “my way” rather than “may way.”
A certain African country had a King who, though his people’s architecture was generally at the grass-hut stage, could call on some of the finest craftsmen in the world. He commissioned a magnificent throne which, though it was a marvel unrivalled in history, took so long to complete that the King died before it was ready, leaving a babe in arms as his sole heir. So the throne was stored in a disused house away from the unfit gaze of commoners for the twenty years it took the prince to grow to manhood, and only the was the wondrous throne sent for.
Unfortunately, when the storehouse was opened, it was soon proven to have been thoroughly unfit for purpose, as all kinds of rot, mould and vermin had combined to reduce the magnificent throne to ruins, and it was lost for ever. Which proves, I guess, that people who live in grass houses shouldn’t stow thrones.
Two whales find themselves under a rowboat and one says to other, “Hey, I’ve got a great idea. Why don’t we swim underneath these guys and with our blow holes send up a burst of water and tip their boat over!”
The second one agrees and the two whales together use their blow holes and capsize the boat.
The first whale then says, “You know, I’m kind of hungry. What do you say we snack on a couple of the boatmen?”
To which the second one responds, “Look, I don’t mind the occasional blow job but there’s no way I’m swallowing any seamen.”
This has been said before by somebody else but I felt I should mention that I read 10 puns in this thread expecting that at least one of them would make me laugh.
No pun in ten did.
The great French painter Henri Toulouse-Lautrec took a carriage ride on a Sunday morning outside Paris looking for subject matter to paint, when he came across some farm workers headed to Mass. Unfortunately, they were all dressed in work clothes, and the scene wasn’t quite what he was after, so he sent his driver Karl to ask them if they could put on their best clothes and pose for him.
Shortly, Karl returned and said, “The workers have nothing, Toulouse, but their jeans.”
Once upon a time the wise and much beloved leader of a band of cavemen had a birthday.
These cavemen were very advanced, and one member of the tribe could bake.
In honor of the chiefton’s birthday, the cook made a huge birthday cake.
However, the cake was so big he could not move it to the cart to take it the birthday party.
He tried lifting it. He tried pulling it. He even tried (being an advanced caveman) using a long board as a lever. Nothing worked.
Finally, he called over the strongest caveman in the tribe, Big Nate. Big Nate easily lifted the cake onto the cart, and the tribe had a wonderful celebration.
At the party, the cook told the chief the difficulties he had in delivering the cake to the party.
The chief replied, “When it comes to birthdays, better Nate than lever!”
[SIZE=“1”]I’ve sent this to unsuspecting friends as a belated birthday greeting[/SIZE]
In the early days of baseball, there was a pitcher named Mel Famey. He had a bad habit of imbibing a brew or two between innings, much to the detriment of his “base on balls” statistics.
At the end of one particularly disastrous outing, one of the opposing batters noticed an empty bottle on the dugout steps. When he asked what was in the bottle, his teammate replied, “That’s the beer that made Mel Famey walk us!”
(more a spoonerism than a pun, but it’s the best I could come up with)
A clown rented an apartment in a building reserved for circus performers. It was a beautiful apartment; nice big bedrooms, state-of-the-art appliances, wonderful view. But the clown noticed that he didn’t have an area where he could iron his clown suit.
So he called the landlord and asked “How am I supposed to iron my clown costume? I don’t have an ironing board for it.”
The landlord replied “You use the windowsill. It’s in your lease agreement. Every clown has a sill for ironing.”
I think I like the version of this where the p and the b are retained from the words bury and praise, but switched. So braise works, but I think I’d like to see a p- cooking term like puree. Of course, then you need a credible chicken recipe that involves pureeing (something for babies, perhaps?), but at least the literary aspect is retained.
It’s my favorite Shakespeare, so sue me. 
As a corollary to this, did you hear about the (drunk) guys who were arguing about whether the dock had more wooden slats, or slits between the slats? They couldn’t decide and the argument was getting more heated, so they just decided to walk and count. One counted slats and one counted slits. This was all well and good, but being distracted (and drunk), they didn’t look up from their task, and both of them fell off the end of the dock.
They both forgot that when you’re out of slits, you’re out of pier.
I went to the zoo today. It was so small, the only animal in it was one dog.
It was a Shih Tzu.
I was imagining turkey being “manufactured” the same way particle board is.
Your explanation works just as well, 10-q veddy much.
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(YouTube link).