# A grieving person of another religion asks you to pray with them. Do you do it? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 2, 2010, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023 "2010-03-02T18:38:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/21 "2010-03-02T19:39:53Z")
I wouldn’t pray, but if they wished to pray, I would quietly let them. If they insist I pray, I’ll quote Mark Twain: “You can’t pray a lie.” ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/22 "2010-03-02T19:51:29Z")
Sure, I’ll fake a prayer if it makes someone feel better. As an atheist, I get to lie whenever I want to! ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 7:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/23 "2010-03-02T19:53:07Z")
I’m Pagan, but I would pray with anyone who needed me to pray with them, including vocal prayers to Jesus/YHVH/Mary. Unlike some Pagans, I’m cool with the Judeochristian mythologies being a legitimate pantheon, I just don’t think they’re the _only_ legitimate pantheon. (Our Lady of Guadalupe is one of my favorite goddesses, for example.) ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/24 "2010-03-02T19:56:20Z")
The following is aimed at atheists & agnostics who utterly refuse to pray because they feel it is dishonest, rather than at any single person. From what several of you have written, it seems that you elevate truthfulness to being the highest virtue, or at least more important than kindness. May I ask why? I assume that, as nonbelievers, you don’t fret about divine sanction, post-grave torment, and so forth. Why, then, would you rather not give someone you loved comfort they clearly needed in the manner they wished? What do you feel it costs you? (That’s not a rhetorical question, and it’s not meant as a criticism.) > [@DCnDC](#): > > Okay here’s the thing: it may “not be hurting anyone” as some have written, but it’s still disingenuous and against my beliefs. Frankly I find it quite insulting that people think that it’s okay to ignore the beliefs of those whose beliefs are not organized and codified. > > Let’s reverse the situation. Let’s say I’m agnostic(which I am), and someone important to _me_ just died suddenly. Let’s say some of my friends are Jewish or Muslim, and an important part of grieving and comfort for me in accordance to _my_ beliefs is eating pork and drinking whiskey(yes, I realize that’s ludicrous, but just humor me). Would I be a dick to ask them to partake in that and then get mad at them when they respectfully refuse? _Of course I would!__ **I** _ wouldn’t ask them to do that, that would **not** be right, it would be insulting both to them and myself. **Why is the opposite situation different?** Why are **my** beliefs considered situationally flexible, that they can just be ignored when it suits others? My baby sister is a believer. I am not. After our mother’s funeral, she requested that the other Rhymers join her in a prayer at the gravesite, so I took her hand and thought about Aslan. She then came over to our cousin Sam’s house with me and joined Sam and me for our ritual post-funeral Scotch drinking, though she does not otherwise drink. I didn’t feel oppressed by her request, because I love her more than my beliefs; and I think it’s safe to say that she had the same motive. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 7:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/25 "2010-03-02T19:56:21Z")
> [@RealityChuck](#): > > If they insist I pray, I’ll quote Mark Twain: “You can’t pray a lie.” This is about how I feel. I would go to church and respectfully bow my head as _they_ pray in the same way I respect moments of silence to honor the dead, but I would not be comfortable actively praying because I would be lying. I feel it would be disrespectful to do so, and would make me uncomfortable to claim a heritage that is not my own. ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/26 "2010-03-02T20:06:16Z")
> [@Malthus](#): > > My beliefs are pretty flexible, in the face of someone elses’ grief. That’s sort of where I fall in, too. I can pray to, “Hello, if there’s anyone there, could you please help my sister?” There’s a certain amount of psychology involved in prayer and belief, too. **C3** , that woman was likely looking for someone to lash out at for an unexpected, sudden death, but that sure doesn’t make believers look good - she makes it sound like she believes your husband is more powerful than God. Do you suppose you could get him to pray me up a lottery win? 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 8:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/27 "2010-03-02T20:08:37Z")
I have faith and would pray for anyone of any faith who asked me. Why isn’t that a choice? ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/28 "2010-03-02T20:11:28Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Why, then, would you rather not give someone you loved comfort they clearly needed in the manner they wished? If I’m lying, how can my loved one feel comforted? My loved one will know the prayer’s not genuine and that it’s meaningless to me. It would be as transparent as my ex, post-break-up demanding: “Say that you love me!” I did not love her. Telling her I did would not make her feel better given that she knew the truth. Secondly, I’d feel entirely too disrespectful lying like that. I’m agnostic. If there is a divine entity, I don’t think it would be quite on the up-and-up for me to claim to be a follower. I would be like claiming to be a decorated army vet when I’m not. I was never a part of that institution, even though I respect it. To falsely claim that affiliation is ignoble, IMHO. ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 8:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/29 "2010-03-02T20:12:54Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > From what several of you have written, it seems that you elevate truthfulness to being the highest virtue, or at least more important than kindness. May I ask why? I assume that, as nonbelievers, you don’t fret about divine sanction, post-grave torment, and so forth. Why, then, would you rather not give someone you loved comfort they clearly needed in the manner they wished? What do you feel it costs you? Sorry to answer a question with a question, I was taught not to do that, but in this case I feel it’s the most efficient way to explain myself. I reiterate my previous reversal of the situation. Would asking a Muslim to share a drink with me be “costing” them anything other than to totally shit on their beliefs? Let’s say I’m a Satanist and I ask my Bible-thumping Pentecostal best friend to pray to the Devil and help me sacrifice a chicken(I know Satanists don’t do that, it’s simply for the sake of argument; insert your own blasphemy if you prefer) so that my loved one could find peace in the afterlife or whatever. Would that be wrong? Am I being an asshole to ask them to temporarily ignore their own belief system for my own momentary comfort? Or should I not be selfish and self-centered and respect their beliefs, no matter whether I agree with them or not? ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 8:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/30 "2010-03-02T20:14:56Z")
> [@DCnDC](#): > > Sorry to answer a question with a question, I was taught not to do that, but in this case I feel it’s the most efficient way to explain myself. > > I reiterate my previous reversal of the situation. Would asking a Muslim to share a drink with me be “costing” them anything other than to totally shit on their beliefs? Let’s say I’m a Satanist and I ask my Bible-thumping Pentecostal best friend to pray to the Devil and help me sacrifice a chicken(I know Satanists don’t do that, it’s simply for the sake of argument; insert your own blasphemy if you prefer) so that my loved one could find peace in the afterlife or whatever. Would that be wrong? Am I being an asshole to ask them to temporarily ignore their own belief system for my own momentary comfort? Or should I not be selfish and self-centered and respect their beliefs, no matter whether I agree with them or not? When my father asks me to lead the family in prayer at Thanksgiving dinner, he is being assholish. When my father is grieving for his dead wife and asks me for comfort in the form of prayer, he is being human. ---
**Author:** ![Katriona](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/katriona/32/113_2.png) [@Katriona](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Katriona)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/31 "2010-03-02T20:20:57Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > Upon further reflection, I don’t think I could even _pretend_ to pray. It would be dishonest and patronizing. I’d put an arm around them, hug them, let them blubber, but I wouldn’t join in any religious pretense. I think I’d be likely to try to gloss it by saying something like, “go ahead and pray. I’ll stay right here.” This is pretty much what I’d do. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/32 "2010-03-02T20:23:11Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > I don’t think I could even _pretend_ to pray. It would be dishonest and patronizing. Yep. I would talk with and attempt to comfort a friend, but I wouldn’t fake a prayer. ---
**Author:** ![amarinth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3be4f8/32.png) [@amarinth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/amarinth)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/33 "2010-03-02T20:23:56Z")
It depends on what the “visible motions” were in that instance. I have no problem being present & silent while someone is grieving & praying. But there’s a limit to how much I would join in. Conveniently for me, my beliefs line up (more or less) with the most Americans & especially most Americans who are likely to try to get strangers to pray with them. ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/34 "2010-03-02T20:23:59Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > When my father asks me to lead the family in prayer at Thanksgiving dinner, he is being assholish. > > When my father is grieving for his dead wife and asks me for comfort in the form of prayer, he is being human. I’m not saying I’d be a dick about it. I would treat my friend with kindness and respect, offer what comfort I can without having to pretend to pray to their God. I would consider such a ruse to be disrespectful. Just because I don’t have a god doesn’t mean my beliefs are any less meaningful or deserving of consideration than those who do. ---
**Author:** ![Antigen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/848f3c/32.png) [@Antigen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antigen)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 8:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/35 "2010-03-02T20:30:59Z")
Of course I would pray with them in their grief. I wouldn’t necessarily go along with their faith-specific prayers, but I would pray in my own way that they will find strength and peace. Hard to pigeonhole my belief system right now. I’m somewhere between Catholic and Flying Spaghetti Monster. 😛 But either way, sending up good wishes and sincere hopes for someone’s well-being, in whichever form makes me comfortable, can only be a good thing. In my opinion, of course. ---
**Author:** ![ratatoskK](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ratatoskk/32/2987_2.png) [@ratatoskK](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ratatoskK)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/36 "2010-03-02T20:33:22Z")
Oops, I clicked the wrong box. I said “I am an atheist and I would not pray with anyone”. But I really meant I WOULD pray with ANYONE ("I am an atheist, but I would pray with perfect strangers. "). Based on the OP, if the person is really breaking down sobbing, I would do it. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 8:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/37 "2010-03-02T20:35:32Z")
I am an atheist and I would, and have, prayed with anyone and everyone. Doesn’t hurt me in the least and provides solidarity and comfort to those in need. What’s to lose? ---
**Author:** ![C3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/c3/32/3108_2.png) [@C3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/C3)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/38 "2010-03-02T20:38:06Z")
For the atheists who would pray with people, what exactly do you mean by that? Do you mean you would recite a prayer out loud with someone or lead a prayer? Or do you mean you would hold hands and bow your head while someone else recited something? ---
**Author:** ![Rushgeekgirl](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rushgeekgirl/32/3715_2.png) [@Rushgeekgirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rushgeekgirl)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/39 "2010-03-02T20:52:38Z")
You can be kind and compassionate without pretending to pray. Anyone begging me to pray will just have to accept that I won’t do it. I will do everything else I can as long as it’s honest. If we’re that close that they’d need me to pray, we should be close enough that it would be known it would be a lie. I wouldn’t pretend to do anything else either. Why would I do that? Taking someone else’s hand while they pray is a different story. I respectfully bowed my head at many a funeral, and I could clasp the hand of a friend while they prayed if that gave them comfort. But no, I will not ever pretend to pray any sooner than I’d ask my brother to renounce his beliefs in order to comfort me for some reason. ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/40 "2010-03-02T20:53:04Z")
When people in grief want to pray with you, it isn’t about YOU. It is about them. Honor their request with kindness and, if you can do no better, silence. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023.md?page=3)