# A grieving person of another religion asks you to pray with them. Do you do it? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 2, 2010, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023 "2010-03-02T18:38:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Dogzilla](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e480ec/32.png) [@Dogzilla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dogzilla)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/41 "2010-03-02T21:04:34Z")
I won’t _say_ the prayer, but I will sit politely with the person while they do it, and I will respect their religious beliefs. Meaning, I won’t nitpick and heckle while the bereaved is praying. And you could _ask_ if you can pray in my house, for me, but you won’t like the answer much. My house = my heathen rules. Come to think of it. There’s a fundie church down the street from me. Every once in a while, some of the church members walk around the neighborhood “ministering” to the locals. (Read: create good PR so we don’t evict them from the 'hood.) One fine sunny Sunday, I was working in my front yard, ass deep in mud, when 2 or 3 of the local fundies approached me and asked me if I had anything I wanted them to pray about for me. I stopped and seriously considered it. If I were going to ask god for something, why not send his ambassadors to go ask for me? Then I realized, I have nothing to ask for and if I was god, I’d be really irritated with people constantly begging for shit all the time. So I said, “Well thank you. As it turns out, I am very blessed. I want for nothing.” And the ladies, all wide-eyed, could not understand why you wouldn’t want to ask god for shit. “Are you sure?” One woman said. “Health? Better job?” “Okay, tell you what,” I said. “How 'bout you send up a prayer of thanks because I am happy, I am blessed and I truly am not in need of anything, and I’m very, very grateful for that.” Dubious, they agreed to send my thank you note to god and wandered off, completely mystified. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/42 "2010-03-02T21:07:31Z")
> [@C3](#): > > Or do you mean you would hold hands and bow your head while someone else recited something? This is along the lines of what I’m picturing. Truthfully, I would have a very easy time doing that for a stranger. With my family, it would be very hard if not impossible…they _know_ better. However, if one of them was grieving, I would suppress my inclination to argue with them. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/43 "2010-03-02T21:13:58Z")
Gormless Heathen, you left out the option of politely enduring the ritual…joining hands, bowing head, and remaining silent while others invoke various supernatural entities. This is a courtesy I’d extend to family members, close friends, and possibly even co-workers if there was no convenient way to extricate myself from the vicinity after expressing condolences but before religiosity occurred. ---
**Author:** ![Tamerlane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tamerlane/32/7602_2.png) [@Tamerlane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tamerlane)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 9:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/44 "2010-03-02T21:14:16Z")
> [@C3](#): > > Or do you mean you would hold hands and bow your head while someone else recited something? That, exactly. As **Skald** seems to have confirmed, that is what I thought the OP was implying. Going through all the overt signs of praying, but not leading a prayer, as it were. ETA: > [@Oakminster](#): > > Gormless Heathen, you left out the option of politely enduring the ritual…joining hands, bowing head, and remaining silent while others invoke various supernatural entities. That is exactly what I pictured as being meant by “praying” in the OP. ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 9:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/45 "2010-03-02T21:24:11Z")
> [@Leaffan](#): > > I am an atheist and I would, and have, prayed with anyone and everyone. Doesn’t hurt me in the least and provides solidarity and comfort to those in need. What’s to lose? Okay, try this. During a Catholic Mass, go up and receive Communion. It won’t hurt you in the least and would be a display of solidarity right? Well, it would upset those of the Catholic faith. Communion is a huge, big deal - the most important of the sacraments, IIRC. Partaking of the Eucharist is the highest sign of Christian unity and they frown on non-Christians partaking because it is proclaiming a unity that doesn’t exist. In other words, they don’t want the lie. I do not partake of the Eucharist when I go to a Catholic Mass because I know that such a false proclamation is disrespectful. Similarly, I would not actively pray, or falsely proclaim a faith, because it would be disrespectful to the faithful. Again, it would be like falsely claiming a culture to be my own, or falsely claiming an honor I never earned. Or like a fake Gucci watch, my lie would be diluting the value/meaningfulness of the real deal. > [@Chimera](#): > > When people in grief want to pray with you, it isn’t about YOU. It is about them. Honor their request with kindness and, if you can do no better, silence. I agree completely. Which is why I bow my head in silence during Mass. ---
**Author:** ![ComeToTheDarkSideWeHaveCookies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e9bcb4/32.png) [@ComeToTheDarkSideWeHaveCookies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ComeToTheDarkSideWeHaveCookies)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/46 "2010-03-02T21:33:47Z")
I voted as an agnostic who would would pray with perfect strangers. Meaning that I’d do whatever gesture they wanted, hold their hand, close my eyes, let them say what they wanted to say that will make them feel better. What I say to myself at such times is basically, “I hope everything works out.” If asked to say something out loud, I try and inject a bit more poetic wording while still saying “I hope everything works out”. I don’t really know why, but when posting on Facebook when I know a friend is ill or who just suffered a loss, just saying “I hope you feel better soon” or “sorry for your loss” comes across emotionally flat, though that is how I truly feel. When lots of other posts include things like “I’m praying for you.” I’m inclined to say something like “I’m sending you good thoughts.” Words like ‘hope’ and ‘sorry’ just don’t pack much of an emotive punch. They’re interpreted more like passive defaults, or what people are at least expected to say when being civil. But I don’t like being interpreted as merely being civil if I am indeed feeling hopeful or sorry. ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 9:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/47 "2010-03-02T21:33:50Z")
> [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](#): > > You didn’t list _pretending_ to pray with them as an option. In some rare circumstances, I might bow my head with them to comfort them, but I’d never actually pray for real. I’m incapable of it. That’s pretty much my position. ---
**Author:** ![KneadToKnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kneadtoknow/32/3999_2.png) [@KneadToKnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KneadToKnow)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 9:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/48 "2010-03-02T21:36:39Z")
[QUOTE=Independence Day] **Nimzicki** I’m not Jewish. **Levinson** Nobody’s perfect. [/QUOTE] 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9d8465/32.png) [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Swallowed_My_Cellphone)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 9:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/49 "2010-03-02T21:42:38Z")
> [@Tamerlane](#): > > That, exactly. As **Skald** seems to have confirmed, that is what I thought the OP was implying. Going through all the overt signs of praying, but not leading a prayer, as it were. > > ETA: > > That is exactly what I pictured as being meant by “praying” in the OP. [bowing head in respectful silence] That’s not how I interpreted the OP. I thought of “praying” as actually, actively praying: invoking words from scripture with an “Amen” at the end and so on. ---
**Author:** ![maladroit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/f475e1/32.png) [@maladroit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/maladroit)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/50 "2010-03-02T21:43:59Z")
I would pray with them if they were doing the speaking and I just had to say amen. None of my immediate family is very religious, so it’s not likely to ever happen. If it was my more religious cousins, I’d hold their hands and say amen. ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 9:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/51 "2010-03-02T21:45:45Z")
Praying to a different God would be a sin. No. You can be nice and understanding, but you need to stick to your religious doctrine. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 9:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/52 "2010-03-02T21:46:02Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > From what several of you have written, it seems that you elevate truthfulness to being the highest virtue, or at least more important than kindness. May I ask why? I assume that, as nonbelievers, you don’t fret about divine sanction, post-grave torment, and so forth. Why, then, would you rather not give someone you loved comfort they clearly needed in the manner they wished? What do you feel it costs you? I don’t feel like patronizing them and faking something they would know I was faking (anyone who knows me well enough to seek this kind of comfort would already know I’m not a believer) would be a comfort. I feel it would be disrespectful to them. I think I could be reassuring and comforting without being a liar. ---
**Author:** ![Contrapuntal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e274bd/32.png) [@Contrapuntal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Contrapuntal)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/53 "2010-03-02T21:47:27Z")
> [@Harmonious\_Discord](#): > > Praying to a different God would be a sin. No. You can be nice and understanding, but you need to stick to your religious doctrine. What about religions that have a different view of sin than you do? I’m pretty sure that a Buddhist can pray to any god he chooses without offending the Buddha. ---
**Author:** ![Vihaga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b4bc9f/32.png) [@Vihaga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Vihaga)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/54 "2010-03-02T21:47:27Z")
I’d do it. They’re grieving and I don’t care. It’s not like my God is going to get pissed at me for it. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 9:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/55 "2010-03-02T21:58:37Z")
Assuming it is not a prayer to Satan, and doesn’t ask God to do anything I couldn’t stomach (“Lord, send whoever killed my niece to burn in hell” or such-like). sure I’d pray with them. The controlling verse is [2 Kings 5:17-19](http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=2%20Kings+5:17-19&version=NASB). There is only the one God, and He knows who’s talking to Him. By odd coincidence I was just invited to the funeral of a former colleague who was Muslim. I don’t know their order of service, but if they have prayers that the congregation is expected to join in, I have no problem with a good clear “Amen” at the end of it. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Pleonast](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pleonast/32/1183_2.png) [@Pleonast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pleonast)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/56 "2010-03-02T21:59:56Z")
I’m Christian and have no problems praying or doing other simple acts of piety from any religion. I would have problems with the grieving aspect. Grieving is too personal a time for me to want to share with a stranger. ---
**Author:** ![rhubarbarin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/eb9ed0/32.png) [@rhubarbarin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rhubarbarin)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/57 "2010-03-02T22:03:50Z")
I’m an atheist, and I wouldn’t pray with anyone. I’d hold their hand, or bend my head if they do so, however. I don’t count that as ‘praying’. ---
**Author:** ![Malthus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/85f322/32.png) [@Malthus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Malthus)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 10:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/58 "2010-03-02T22:33:41Z")
> [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](#): > > Okay, try this. During a Catholic Mass, go up and receive Communion. It won’t hurt you in the least and would be a display of solidarity right? > > Well, it would upset those of the Catholic faith. Communion is a huge, big deal - the most important of the sacraments, IIRC. Partaking of the Eucharist is the highest sign of Christian unity and they frown on non-Christians partaking because it is proclaiming a unity that doesn’t exist. In other words, they don’t want the lie. > > I do not partake of the Eucharist when I go to a Catholic Mass because I know that such a false proclamation is disrespectful. Similarly, I would not actively pray, or falsely proclaim a faith, because it would be disrespectful to the faithful. Again, it would be like falsely claiming a culture to be my own, or falsely claiming an honor I never earned. Or like a fake Gucci watch, my lie would be diluting the value/meaningfulness of the real deal. > > I agree completely. Which is why I bow my head in silence during Mass. Seems to me that what is “disrespectful” in matter religious is purely in the eyes of the person at issue. If that person _wants_ you to pray with them, either knowing you are not of that faith or indifferent to it, how is doing what they want disrespectful to _them_? If it isn’t disrespectful to them, to whom is it disrespectful? When I was travelling in Tibet many years ago, I visited a monestary where the monks were engaged in a ritual whereby every person was sticking their head into a buddha-protector statue (with a hole in the base for this purpose). When you stuck your head in that hole, a monk standing behind the statue put some liquid butter on it. I had no idea what this rite symbolized (and still don’t), but the monks seemed very eager that we do it - obviously knowing full well we were not Tibetian Buddhists. Was this similar to the Eucharist, in that it is insulting for non-believers to participate? I have no idea - but surely the monks did. If they wanted us to do it, I figured it was only polite to go with that. What would have been accomplished by refusal? It would only have insulted them, I think. ---
**Author:** ![GilaB](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8e7dd6/32.png) [@GilaB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GilaB)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/59 "2010-03-02T22:35:13Z")
For what it’s worth, ‘clasp hands and pray’ is a very Christian mode of praying. There’s a world of prayerful folk to whom it would never occur to clasp hands at all. So when you say ‘another religion,’ do you mean Christians? For what it’s worth, in my religious tradition (Judaism), the most common form of prayer for the dead is the recitation of Psalms, which is sometimes done in unison (especially at funerals), but frequently quietly, by oneself. Hands are not held in any religious service, ever. I truly doubt that the Muslim way of praying for the dead involves the clasping-hands-group-prayer thing either. Would I hold someone’s hand and say a Christian prayer with them? No, and anybody who knows and cares about me would know not to ask, the same way that they wouldn’t ask me to eat a cheeseburger in memory of the dead. (“But it was his favorite food!”) But would I say a Psalm or two if asked? Sure. I haven’t voted, because I’m not sure how the above fits into the voting categories. ---
**Author:** ![ComeToTheDarkSideWeHaveCookies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e9bcb4/32.png) [@ComeToTheDarkSideWeHaveCookies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ComeToTheDarkSideWeHaveCookies)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 10:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/60 "2010-03-02T22:42:23Z")
I don’t want to get into a debate about pagan influence on Christianity and vice versa, but I do not think that Christianity has a corner on the market of clasping hands. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023.md?page=4)