# A grieving person of another religion asks you to pray with them. Do you do it? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [March 2, 2010, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023 "2010-03-02T18:38:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Freudian\_Slit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/5daacb/32.png) [@Freudian\_Slit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freudian_Slit)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 10:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/61 "2010-03-02T22:44:25Z")
> [@DCnDC](#): > > Agnostic. Refuse. To anyone. But nice about it. Attempt sincere non-religious comfort. > > Why? Participation would be disingenuous on my part and I would feel like I was just humoring them, because I would be. I feel it would almost be insulting to them to do so. Same here. For me it wouldn’t be praying–it would just be sitting there going along with the motions. It would be meaningless. I don’t think I even know _how_ to pray to be honest. ---
**Author:** ![Skammer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skammer/32/143_2.png) [@Skammer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skammer)\ **Post date:** [March 2, 2010, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/62 "2010-03-02T22:48:03Z")
Sure, I’d pray with anyone. Why not? Well, let me back off. If someone said “Will you pray to the sun-god Ra with me?” I would politely decline, and offer to pray to my God with/for them. But if we’re talking about the Jewish/Christian/Muslim God I wouldn’t hesitate. ---
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 12:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/63 "2010-03-03T00:36:36Z")
> [@Oakminster](#): > > Gormless Heathen, you left out the option of politely enduring the ritual…joining hands, bowing head, and remaining silent while others invoke various supernatural entities. This is a courtesy I’d extend to family members, close friends, and possibly even co-workers if there was no convenient way to extricate myself from the vicinity after expressing condolences but before religiosity occurred. Fool of a Took! The proper construction is _Gormless Heathen!_ The exclamation point is not optional. ---
**Author:** ![NinjaChick](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/71c47a/32.png) [@NinjaChick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NinjaChick)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 1:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/64 "2010-03-03T01:06:21Z")
Close friend or relative: “I’d be happy to sit with you while you said a few words.” All my close friends and immediate family know I’m not religious in any possible definition. My extended family on one half is Catholic and knows I’m not, and the other half is pretty secular Jews, who are pretty unlikely to do the “clasp hands and pray together” thing (in my experience). Anyone else: Feel _really_ uncomfortable, and say something along the lines of “I’m sorry, but I don’t share your faith. Is there someone I can call for you?” ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 1:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/65 "2010-03-03T01:30:47Z")
I’m a believer, and I’d be puzzled but probably would agree to pray with anyone who asked. Having never been asked before, I’m not sure what the point is: are they asking that I pray for their dead loved one, or for them? The former seems pointless (my prayers aren’t going to change their afterlife), but I guess praying that they themselves find peace is nice though I find someone making a request that I pray for them a bit strange. ---
**Author:** ![ToeJam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/dfb087/32.png) [@ToeJam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ToeJam)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 1:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/66 "2010-03-03T01:52:07Z")
> [@Skammer](#): > > Well, let me back off. If someone said “Will you pray to the sun-god Ra with me?” I would politely decline, and offer to pray to my God with/for them. But if we’re talking about the Jewish/Christian/Muslim God I wouldn’t hesitate. I’d be willing to pray with them to my God(s)/whatever it is I believe regardless of their religion. I’d feel most comfortable with that option- I pray to my own stuff, and you do yours, and when our powers combine… hopefully you’ll feel better- if not then we go to option 2 below: If they wished for me to pray to their specific deity in order to comfort them- I’d say a quiet (not aloud) prayer to “their” God more of a “hey, how’s it going? Uh, Prayers incoming from That Guy. Pay attention to him more than me” or something of the sort. But I’d try to go through the motions of whatever they’re doing to help them out. My goal is to comfort the person in front of me with their grief- God can deal with the metaphysical shit, but I oughta try to help in the physical realm, ya know? If their goal though is to GET me to pray for their sake (not what your Q asked, just something I’ve experienced) just so they can use that against me as an “A-HA! Now you believe with my religion or whatnot!” They’re gonna get a quick roll eye and on the banned list in my head of people who are just dicks in general. No praying with them or those who will try to pull that sorta weak shit around me. ---
**Author:** ![Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/e8c25b/32.png) [@Really\_Not\_All\_That\_Bright](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Really_Not_All_That_Bright)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/67 "2010-03-03T02:01:12Z")
I wouldn’t participate in a heartfelt prayer. I’d feel like I was lying. Curiously, I don’t mind participating in prayers at weddings or funerals; I bow my head and do the _amen_ bit. Old habits die hard, I suppose; I went to Anglican boarding schools for 7 years. ---
**Author:** ![Terraplane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/74df32/32.png) [@Terraplane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terraplane)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 2:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/68 "2010-03-03T02:40:58Z")
In a circumstance of grief, I’ll pray. Of course it’s pretend to pray, because I don’t think there’s anybody that will hear my prayers, but I’ll do it if it helps to ease somebody’s grief. Fake or not, the last thing they’ll be worried about at that moment is my personal integrity. ---
**Author:** ![Rala](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/8797f3/32.png) [@Rala](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rala)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/69 "2010-03-03T03:01:42Z")
I’m a Christian, and I’d do it for anyone who asked me to. I’d hold their hand and pray to the God I believe in to bring them comfort. ---
**Author:** ![Snowboarder\_Bo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/snowboarder_bo/32/229_2.png) [@Snowboarder\_Bo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snowboarder_Bo)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/70 "2010-03-03T03:13:03Z")
> [@Tamerlane](#): > > I would, even with a perfect stranger. It’s the kind thing to do. However… > > I wouldn’t really be doing much/any actual praying. I’d clasp hands and sit quietly with bowed head while the other person prayed and I might think good thoughts for them, but I’m not going to make an actual entreaty to a god I don’t believe in. Which would make my praying a white lie of sorts, something which I think in this circumstance would be justified. If asked to say a word, I’d try to say something both comforting and carefully neutral or just politely decline to say anything at all. > > None of the above flows from any _distaste_ for praying, as I have none, really. But as an atheist it would be just as false to think/speak about the intercession of god/gods as it would be to just go throw the apparent motions. And I think that while refusing to do either might be the more intellectually honest thing to do, in a case such as you describe it would be the wrong note emotionally. People in immediate distress need comfort and support more than they need brutal honesty. Perfectly said. This is what I would (and have) done, and why. ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 4:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/71 "2010-03-03T04:19:56Z")
> [@Contrapuntal](#): > > What about religions that have a different view of sin than you do? I’m pretty sure that a Buddhist can pray to any god he chooses without offending the Buddha. I’m not Buddhist, and this question is about me praying with them. ---
**Author:** ![Revenant\_Threshold](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f1d935/32.png) [@Revenant\_Threshold](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Revenant_Threshold)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 4:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/72 "2010-03-03T04:33:40Z")
Atheist, and I have no problem praying with anyone if invited to, so long as I would not be actually _against_ the goal of the prayer, which probably wouldn’t come up much. Other people have brought up the issue of it being essentially a lie or false to pray to a god or gods you don’t believe in, but I tend to phrase my prayers when the issue comes up as a general “If you exist, being of deceased’s belief system, then please heed…”. Pretending that I believe would be a problem for me; admitting the possibility that I may well be wrong isn’t, and a funeral service or just general prayers for a deceased person isn’t about the praying person anyway. Besides, if it turns out I _am_ right, what have I lost? ---
**Author:** ![HazelNutCoffee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/ac91a4/32.png) [@HazelNutCoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HazelNutCoffee)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/73 "2010-03-03T05:04:23Z")
I would particpate quietly. It may be faking it, but I don’t think that such a time would be the best situtation in which to stand up for my religious beliefs or lack thereof. I see no need to qualify my participation to them as not being technically prayer. What good is that going to do? I doubt they’re going to appreciate my honesty. ---
**Author:** ![Oakminster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/77aa72/32.png) [@Oakminster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oakminster)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 6:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/74 "2010-03-03T06:09:22Z")
> [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](#): > > Fool of a Took! > > The proper construction is _Gormless Heathen!_ The exclamation point is not optional. Ahhhh. They don’t cover that at Druid School. Leaves more time for cavorting with naked wood elf chicks. ---
**Author:** ![missred](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/missred/32/14096_2.png) [@missred](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/missred)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 7:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/75 "2010-03-03T07:03:00Z")
I’m agnostic, but I’ll go along for the ride to comfort a grieving friend or family member. That includes bowing my head and being quiet should someone else be saying words to a deity, holding a hand while the bereaved silently prays or respecting a moment of silence. If asked to actually say something, there’s usually some bit of poetry rattling around in my head that sounds prayerish enough without invoking a god. ---
**Author:** ![Eats\_Crayons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/278dde/32.png) [@Eats\_Crayons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eats_Crayons)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 1:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/76 "2010-03-03T13:02:55Z")
> [@missred](#): > > I’m agnostic, but I’ll go along for the ride to comfort a grieving friend or family member. That includes bowing my head and being quiet should someone else be saying words to a deity, holding a hand while the bereaved silently prays or respecting a moment of silence. If asked to actually say something, there’s usually some bit of poetry rattling around in my head that sounds prayerish enough without invoking a god. This is generally how I participate as well. I would note take part in a prayer that required me to recite actual scripture or take part in a religious ritual because I would feel like a fraud. I can’t imagine that anyone could draw comfort from my participation in prayer when they know my entreaty to God/gods/demigod/diety could not possibly be sincere. It seems to me that fraudulently praying is disrespectful to the bereaved as well as the genuinely faithful participants. ---
**Author:** ![Khadaji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 1:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/77 "2010-03-03T13:06:58Z")
> [@HazelNutCoffee](#): > > I would particpate quietly. It may be faking it, but I don’t think that such a time would be the best situtation in which to stand up for my religious beliefs or lack thereof. I see no need to qualify my participation to them as not being technically prayer. What good is that going to do? I doubt they’re going to appreciate my honesty. Totally agree. I would bow my head and be respectful. ---
**Author:** ![Leaffan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/leaffan/32/299_2.png) [@Leaffan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaffan)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 1:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/78 "2010-03-03T13:16:29Z")
> [@Swallowed\_My\_Cellphone](#): > > Okay, try this. During a Catholic Mass, go up and receive Communion. It won’t hurt you in the least and would be a display of solidarity right? > > Well, it would upset those of the Catholic faith. Communion is a huge, big deal - the most important of the sacraments, IIRC. Partaking of the Eucharist is the highest sign of Christian unity and they frown on non-Christians partaking because it is proclaiming a unity that doesn’t exist. In other words, they don’t want the lie. > > I do not partake of the Eucharist when I go to a Catholic Mass because I know that such a false proclamation is disrespectful. Similarly, I would not actively pray, or falsely proclaim a faith, because it would be disrespectful to the faithful. Again, it would be like falsely claiming a culture to be my own, or falsely claiming an honor I never earned. Or like a fake Gucci watch, my lie would be diluting the value/meaningfulness of the real deal. > > I agree completely. Which is why I bow my head in silence during Mass. Since my wife and kids are Catholic, I’m keenly aware of the protocol. I don’t take communion when I attend church with them, and I don’t kneel, but otherwise I participate including saying the Lord’s Prayer and doing the “peace be with you” thingy. No big deal to me, and a nice respectful way to participate. YMMV. ---
**Author:** ![HotSmoke](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/d9b06d/32.png) [@HotSmoke](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HotSmoke)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/79 "2010-03-03T13:21:40Z")
Years ago,when I was with my ex,he went to church with us and didn’t take communion because he is Catholic and we aren’t. Everyone was fine with it and it didn’t bother me in the least. I would definately pray with someone who asked me too. It’s a nice thing to do and if it makes them feel better,then I feel good too. I may not have their beliefs but I would say a prayer to my God to help them out. ---
**Author:** ![EvilTOJ](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ee59a6/32.png) [@EvilTOJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EvilTOJ)\ **Post date:** [March 3, 2010, 2:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023/80 "2010-03-03T14:59:04Z")
I marked atheist and wouldn’t pray for anyone, because I thought it meant “keep me in your thoughts and prayers”. I will never do that, but if someone in front of me is grieving I will humor them because it will make them feel better. Just as how I would want someone to help me grieve in my own way, even if they don’t necessarily agree with it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/a-grieving-person-of-another-religion-asks-you-to-pray-with-them-do-you-do-it/531023.md?page=5)